Kids Not Invited to Out of Town Wedding

Hi J.,
We are supposed to be at a wedding in Mexico this weekend. My husband's cousin (who he is very close with) is getting married. Same thing - kids not allowed at the reception. And this reception is on some little island accessible by boat only. My kids are 7 and 10 years old. I did not feel comfortable leaving them at a hotel babysitting service so we decided not to attend the wedding. We've taken a lot of heat for this decision but I just didn't feel comfortable leaving the kids. The family will get over it.

Hey!
two issues first: i think its rude to have children IN a wedding and not invite them to the reception. Second- there is nothing you should or can say to the blessed couple about this issue that would be ok. officially its a rock and a hard place!
if i were you i would have my husband attend the reception as our family's representative to the party because it is his family. however, i would go back to our hotel with the boys because that would make me most comfortable. i wouldnt make an issue of it... id just say its whats best for the boys and i am so sad to miss the reception- please accept me sincerest regrets. anyone who gives you grief... turn the other cheek because you didnt give the family grief for not making families welcome... and you will have taken the high road. :-)

My husband's brother is getting married in two weeks out of state. My sons, age 3 and 15 months, are in the wedding. We just found out today that the reception is adults only.

MY RESPONSE: I think it a bit insensitive for them to have not told you this before they planned to use your children in the wedding. HOWEVER, the wedding day is really FOR THE BRIDE - IT IS HER DAY, and unfortunately, sometimes what she wants may not be to the liking of others. Also, a reception is more for the adults to party and enjoy themselves. It's really not an atmosphere for children as young as yours, who will most likely get very tired and cranky. Your 15 month old will be there with the three year old. The youngest may cry for a time, but he/she will want to get involved with what all the other little people are doing, and there's nothing wrong with your three year old being a little shy.

Keep in mind it may not be her, some venues don't allow children to attend if liquor is being served. Someone sits a cup down, a child drinks out of it and get's alcohol poisoning, and the venue loses it's license, and they may have just told her this. Maybe in the beginning she wasn't having alcohol, and then later decided she wanted it, that eliminates the children.

I would not start using the children not wanting to stay with someone else, as a reason for you all not to go out TOGETHER. I'd ask to meet those caring for the children and see what they have planned, and how many adults will babysitting, and how many children are expected. There should be 1 adult per every 3 children under 8 years of age. If you are comfortable with them and their plan, you could possibly run across the street and just check on them after 45 minutes, by this time, they may have passed out, as it will be time for a nap anyway, or close to bedtime. But either you go together, or you stay together as a family.

I remember planning my wedding, if someone hadn't stood up, one my mother best friends to orchestrate the reception and the flow, it would not have happened as I had not thought of it, and I'd only been to two weddings - one when I was about 6 and served as a flower girl and my own. Our budget was limited, and the coordinator, I hired never mentioned the idea of her being on site to make sure my wedding ran smooth, and I didn't even think of it. I know my mother's friend was appalled, when she saw there was no one orchestrating the wedding and that is when she step in - THANK GOD - and ran the show! I say all this, as this young bride has had so much to think about, I'm sure, as important of a detail this is, she did not think about it until later.

As far as your son, not staying with anyone, he will, and now might be a good time to start him, unless you are planning to homeschool him. If there are other children there, once you are gone, he may cry a bit, but believe it or not, and as much as you may not want to believe it, he'll forget about you, and join in the fun! That way you all can sneak off for an hour or two, and then leave. I've found that many times it's the parents that more anxiety about leaving their children and belabor the separation, because we can't stand to walk away from our crying children - I've got five children - I know! :)

I hope you don't ask for any special favors from the bride, OR GROOM i.e., especially from the groom, that would be like you telling your kids "no candy" and then they ask their dad, and he says yes. You'll only cause friction for amongst the four of you. Please don't ask her to make any special considerations because she asked your children to be in the wedding. Again, while she should have told you this early on, I wouldn't make a big deal about it. Perhaps ask Mom to go with you, or you can tell her you can't make it, because your children will only stay with certain people. At this point neither of you would be considered very considerate, her for telling you at the last minute; you withdrawing the children and/or not showing up with them, or bringing them to the reception anyway. Besides, you can't really engage in the festivities with two little ones at an adult event. Leave the children with the children, and you and your hubby, GO AND ENJOY EACH OTHER, DANCE LAUGH, AND MAKE THE NIGHT ABOUT YOU AND HUBBY! HAVE FUN!

Babysitting will be provided for all the children in a hotel across the street. We are not staying at the hotel, we are staying 30 minutes away from the reception site. My problem is that my 15 month old will not stay with anyone besides my mother. He screams anytime I leave him and doesn't stop until I come back. My three year old is also shy around strangers. I worry about leaving both of them with a stranger in a unfamiliar location, especially one that is not childproofed or set up for children. How have others dealt with this type of situation.

Tough quandry. I think your children are in the wedding they should be invited to the reception. Are you comfortable asking if you can bring them?

Is it possible for you to take your mom to babysit? I have traveled with families for weddings before. I would go to the ceremony and sit near the front (in case one of the kids needed to be taken out of the room). Then I would take the kids to the hotel room, we'd order room service (or pizza, etc...depending on the place).

One thing you don't mention is if you WANT to attend the reception without your children. To me, that sounds like a dream - LOL. The way I see it, you have a few options: 1) Do not attend the reception and stay with your kids and/or let the groom know that you will not be attending and the reason and hope they extend the invitation to your children too (again, if that's what you want); 2) Take your mother along as a babysitter although I'm not sure how feasible or costl effective this option is and 3) Consider trying out a few babysitters between now and then and hope your kids get used to being with someone else; they will eventually need to anyway so maybe now is your chance. Good luck!

first off, i do housecleaning so i know all the horror stories of children being in the wedding, but not invited to the reception...the hurt feelings and the occasional child that is snuck in..DONT despair, they wont be missing much. most receptions involve vast of alcohol anyway and thus arent very kid friendly..not to mention the sexual jokes that get batted back and forth between the adults and the occasional grabas# playing that happens anytime you mix adults and alcohol. doesnt sound like a whole lot of fun from a childs perspective, does it ?? plus, as an added bonus, you and everyone around you and your children would have to stay perfectly sober to insure that if the child is hurt while at the reception, the people around the child would be sober enough to deal with the emergency
K. h.

My son is 16 months old and I wouldn't leave him at a hotel across the street from where I would be. There are too many unknown factors such as the ppl watching him. A. Ask if they can come to the dinner part of the reception and then leave before they get cranky. or B. Attend the ceremony and take them back to where you are staying after. I don't think you need to risk your child(s) emotional well being just to go to a wedding.

Children that are in the wedding are always invited to the reception. I'd clarify that with the groom.
If you want to stay at the reception and have fun, consider the babysitter...
You can absolutely try it. The other cousins will be there and I'm sure there will be a movie on the TV, new toys to play with, and all kinds of things to munch on. Your children may simply surprise you. I think sometimes we imagine things to be worse than they turn out to be - we all do it.
When you arrive, go meet the babysitter, check out the accommodations, and then decide. Or, if it's an option, bring your mom along to care for your children...
I'd keep the kids with me at the reception for a while only because they are in the wedding. When they get tired or cranky or antsy, I'd run them across the street to play. I'd make it like it was a fun thing. Then I'd take turns checking on them once an hour.
YMMV
LBC

I would bring my mom if possible. She can most likely come to the wedding with you - or you can ask if she doesn't feel comfortable without an invite...or she can wait a the hotel till the reception...then she can hang with the boys after the ceremony. I think it's pretty weird that they would have them in the wedding and then not invite them to the reception, so they should be understanding when you ask them for whatever....either to have your mom come to the ceremony or to just have your husband at the reception for a short time, or maybe neither of you go to the reception and just go to the ceremony...? Good luck and let us know what is decided.....

Do the bride and groom already have kids? If not, they might be totally clueless. I got married at age 24 and my husband's sister already had two kids (ages 2 1/2 and 3 months at the wedding) I wanted the 2 year old in the wedding, so I just asked my SIL how it would work best because seriously, I had no idea what it was like to have little ones. We ended up providing babysitting in a room at the country club where we had the reception, mostly so the mom and dad could enjoy themselves. The 2 year old ended up running all over the reception area (which was fine) and the 3 month old stayed with the sitter (she was still too little for any separation anxiety) So I guess my point would be this - just talk out your dilemma with the bride and groom. They just might say "Ohhhhhh!" when you say your little one will scream for hours without you :) Good luck!

Hi J.! I have been to several "adults only" formal receptions but they have ALWAYS included the children that were in the wedding. I find it strange that they are not invited even though they are a part of the ceremony.
Are there other children that are in the ceremony? If not, then I would ask the bride and groom to make an exception for your kids, especially since you are not comfortable with the sitter arrangement.

I would have a hard time leaving my kids in an unfamiliar situation too.

I don't think you should feel pressured to leave your kids with anyone. If you are uncomfortable with it, don't. I don't trust hotel childcare at all myself, so I understand. I would hate to think they would take it as a slight - there are your kids after all. But childless people often don't "get it" whcih would be unfortunate.

But I don't think that you need to avoid the whole event. Bring the kids, let everyone go to the church/service for the ceremony - you don't need an invitation to go to the church. See the marriage (which is the important part after all), take soem pictures, and either ask if you can bring your kids to the early part of the reception or go back to the hotel. Your husband can go to the reception solo or even trade off with you if you decide to stay near the site.

Alternatively, could you bring your mother?

PS - I didn't get the part about the kids being in the wedding... They absolutley should be at the reception. However, the point still remains that it is not fair to the kids to keep them up to the wee hours at their young ages, and even in a good mood, it is hard to supervise them. Maybe you could get a sitter/mother's helper to come to the reception (you pay for a plate for them)? And then retire early with the kids.

Can't wait to hear how it works out!

then one of you forgoe the reception,

it is enough that you do the wedding

neither is mandatory if they are making these kinds of requests. if they dont understand then payback can be a little witch later down the road

You may be entirely right that this won't work out, but you may find your kids surprise you b/c of one element that I'm guessing isn't present when you try to leave your kids other times.......and that is there will be other kids there. I've been in a similar situation a few times and my kids surprisingly had no problem with it b/c they were focused on the other kids they could play with and not the sitter.

I agree with the others. I would stay back with the children while my husband went along to the reception. You may want to clarify....they may full well be including your children IN the reception because they were in the wedding. Have your husband ask! Have fun.

Honestly if it were me, if the kids couldnt go then I wouldnt go. I would explain it to them but its kind of crazy to expect that out of you. I know you love your brother in law but if they expect you to have the kids in the wedding then they should understand that you all come as a package deal. :) good luck

i does seem a little odd to invite the boys to be part of the ceremony but not the reception so check on that, but their thinking is probably that folks who have not been allowed to bring their kids will be put out if yours are there. there's also the very real perspective that with no other kids around, your kids will think it stinks and not want to be there. and what could be more disruptive to a reception than unhappy toddlers?
there really is no way for the happy couple NOT to offend someone, so i think it's very considerate of them to be upfront about their desire to have the reception they want (and it IS their wedding so they should) and to make arrangements for those it will put out.
i would suggest that you go to the reception part of the time, then switch off with your husband. it's a bit awkward, but then you're not uncomfortable and you still get to celebrate.
khairete
S.

My reception was an adults only reception but I allowed the participants and children of participants to come. I would ask your husband's brother AND the bride about it. If they say no, then they have to understand why you can't be at the reception. The bride and groom should have thought about things like that since you are part of the family and they should know about your situation. But if they are clueless because they are young, well, just do what's best for your children.

I would talk to the groom. You are doing him a favor by allowing your children to be in his wedding party- this will be a huge amount of work for you on the wedding day, plus traveling with the kids in tow. I am guessing you are paying to outfit the kids in tuxes as well. I am not against adults only receptions, but he should absolutely make an exception for you.

If the kids were not in the wedding, you could make alternate arrangements, like going to the wedding on your own and leaving your mom at home with the kids. But you can't do that, and as the hosts of the event it is their responsibility to make you comfortable.

Good luck!

It's too bad that with only two weeks to go, they've only now mentioned that kids are not invited to the reception; that should have been made clear, and the babysitting arrangements made clear, as soon as they sent invitations. However, that's a moot point now, and it's their wedding, and I understand the desire to have a kid-free reception (and I agree with the folks below who posted that wedding receptions often aren't kid-friendly, what with alcohol being consumed, loud music, etc.). If this is an evening reception, this whole situation is especially tough because what 15-month-old and 3-year-old are going to go to sleep for a stranger in a strange place? If this is an evening reception, I'd probably advise getting a room at the hotel where the reception is, if it's not too late to book it, and attending the reception in a tag-team format -- you stay with the kids in your own hotel room for part of the time, your husband stays with them part of the time. Not ideal, but if you don't want to leave them with the paid babysitter, it may be the only way for you both to attend and for the kids to have a calmer, less melt-down-able night. If it's a daytime reception, you could check out the situation beforehand, calling the hotel and asking if they have a specific room for babysitting, if it's childproofed, if the sitter is insured and bonded and has has had background checks etc. Then it might be more comfortable for you to leave the kids there-- still coming over to check on them if the reception's a long one. Like someone else posted, if other kids are there they're less likely to howl for you -- IF it's a daytime reception. Good luck.

I agree with the other post , I would attend the wedding but miss the reception , I would explain my reasons in the nicest way and leave it at that , your husband can still go , 15 months is young to be left in an unfamiliar place with a stranger , my daughter (17 months) would be the same , there is no way I could leave her with a stranger and expect her to be ok with that and being putting to bed , plus I would spend the whole night worrying and not enjoy myself anyway!

Good Luck

K.

I'll be honest at my wedding my nephew was part of the ceremony and I had two sitters (licensed and bonded) for the kids who attended - and offered kid-friendly food for kids and cribs, etc. My sister had a 3-month old and a 3 year old at the event. The 3 year old was our ring bearer. We had a formal sit down dinner and the wedding started at 7pm so we thought it made sense to have sitters for the kids. Now the room was across the hall from the wedding location so it was very convenient. We bought videos, games, and toys for the kids, which came in handy once we had kids. From what I remember my sister and her husband were in and out of the reception, I never heard anything from them.