Kids and Chores?

Instead of her earning money she can earn privilages. My 7 year old helps with dinner, dishes, laundry, vaccuming and picking up her room in order to earn TV time, trips to Chuckie Cheez and other things of her choosing. Let her write up the privilages to choose from and once she earns one she can pick from a hat or something fun like that. Good luck!

This is just an idea, so please take it that way. Don't pay her and tell her that being part of a family is sharing responsibilities. She is old enough to keep her room clean, vaccuum, and definitely bathe herself. Maybe I am old-fashioned, but I believe children shouldn't be paid to help around the house. I never received an allowance and I am a very responsible adult. I am 34 years old and have 2 children. Thank you for reading this. Good luck.

H., I'm so sorry to hear about the time you are having. I don't know if I have the right answers, but from my experience with my stepson, tough love helped me. For example, I would stop doing her laundry. When her clothes gets dirty enough, you can show her how to do her laundry. Also, shopping days would entail you picking out what you like for her based on what you think she might like but not that she personally picks out. That can get to little girls. Then, you can offer her to make some money around to house to pick out and help and buy things that she likes. Next, if you want, clean and vacuum around the house BUT her room until she can't take it no more (or you can't - hopefully her first). Then, she can do her own vacuuming. Next, limited days or times out with her friends, computer time, or any special trips until she begins to earn it around the house. It has helped me with my own daughter. I tell her when she gets in her "moods". "If you want to play that, I can play that too ...and even better, because you will need me for something you want before I need you." That will usually help get her into gear because going into her early teens, she definitely wants to do things with her friends.

I hope this helped even a little.

Have you tried getting her dad on your side? Sounds like the best place to start is with a united front where you both make clear your expectations and you both follow through and stay on her. It's not fair for you to come across as the nagging stepmom. Your husband should pull his weight and use his clout as her father to drive the point home--and reinforce that his daughter needs to respect you.

My next suggestion would be figuring out what her priveleges are (watching TV, computer time, playing with friends, new toys or clothes, etc.) and withholding them until she does what she needs to around the house. Maybe she doesn't care to earn extra money because you guys still pay for everything she may want. Plus, I'm of the opinion that kids should do some chores for no money simply because they are part of the family and they contribute to the mess around the house. Does anyone pay you and your husband for vacuuming, laundry, or dishes??? If kids want to earn extra money then they can take on extra chores or special jobs.

Give your step daughter a time frame for cleaning her room, and if stuff is still all over, then stick it all in a garbage bag and put it away. You can be really hard core and donate the stuff, or she could earn things back one at a time with her good attitude and compliance with family rules. If she doesn't care to earn anything back, then she apparently has too much stuff and you should go ahead and donate it.

Or get her a laundry basket and teach her how to do her own laundry. That's what my parents did, and if we only had dirty clothes to wear, it was our own fault--and we didn't let that happen more than once or twice before the lesson was learned.

As for hygiene, you can always tell her that you'll wash her hair and brush her teeth for her if she can't yet do it well herself. Pride and humiliation may step in and take over at that point.

And you can always huff, puff, and pout when she asks you to do something for her, and point out that it's no fun dealing with someone who acts like that.

Best of luck!
M.

You are not doing anything wrong. This child obviously feels that not doing chores is an option. I am a stepmother and found that it takes a very special woman to be a good stepmother. Most of the time we are second guessing ourselves and asking everybody else for advice. You know that your 11 yo can get diseases from not cleaning properly and what will happen when she starts her period. Your husband needs to be backing you 200%. You are not a maid, you are a domestic engineer and as such you coordinate what needs to be done, and assign work according to ability, just like you would on the career job. Now stop worrying about how she is interpreting your words and start putting some action behind your words. Make them meaningful and she will come to find stability in your actions. A. B.

I have been a "bonus" mom for 10 years and my bonus child is a wonderful girl. She is now 15 years old and is a very responsible young lady. It is hard being a step mom but you have to be firm and let them know that you love them but they are also living in your home. Put the expectations out there and let her know the consequences of what will happen if they are not done. Example, let her be responsible for her own laundry from start to finish (oversee the job but let her learn how to become independent). When she doesn't have clothes to wear she will learn that its ok to help out. It's ok to ground her from things that she hasn't done and reward her for the good that she does do. The main thing is to let her know that she is loved and you want to be there for her. She is getting to a difficult age and will test her boundaries with you. I know because I have 2 15 year olds and they can be very testy and it started at age 10 for one of them. Stand strong and let her know that she is loved no matter what she says to you, she is listening to every word.

You did not say if there is a mother in the picture? She is probley angery, upset, and you need to be very patient. Don't let her see if she is getting to you. Keep reinforcing the need to keep herself groomed, and the importance of a clean house. You might not think she is listening, but she is taking it in. Children live what they learn. Positive reinforcement is always good. After she huffs about the laundry but helps with it, say thanks for your help. Parenting dosen't come with instructions, we just have to try and instill good values, and morals by example. J.

I do not have much advice for you, but I think you are looking at chores in a way my parents did not. We were expected to do chores because we lived there and everyone in the family had responsibilities. We did not get paid to do them.

On the laundry note, I would explain to her how to wash and dry her clothes and then I would stop doing her laundry altogether. When she runs out of clothing and comes to you, kindly explain that she is responsible for having clean clothes. This is also a good method to do if your kids keep complaining that you have messed up their clothes.

J.

I remember those days, when my child was old enough to start helping around the house but didn't want to and went through the "huff, puff and pout" stage too. We always did our best to keep the lines of communication open (just as it sounds like you're doing), but we also started taking away privileges. Well, that really got her attention! Our daughter (now 14) seems to be growing out of that stage somewhat. As she matures she is also taking much more interest in her appearance and caring for herself (I think this will begin to happen when the boys start paying your daughter some attention :-). Last but not least, be sure that your husband supports your efforts and the two of you agree on how to handle the situation. She's headed for puberty and pre-teen issues, and that can be pretty challenging (for her and you) so perhaps the most important thing you can do is: P-R-A-Y!

You need to make it more fun for her. Play music, dance around the house, make it like a game or a competition ("who can fold their pile the neatest and fastest"). Don't give up. IT is really good you are starting her on chores young (and don't call them chores, try tasks instead). I wish I had been more consistent with my son at the age. He will do chores but usually only after much cajoling. The vaccuming might be too much for at this age. Kids don't get that you are supposed to vaccum everywhere. You might give her a choice between chores too. Like would you rather sweep the porch or set the table. Stuff like that. Be sure to give her praise whenever she does something even if it isn't quite up to your standards.
Good luck H.!
A.

It is the age! My daughter went through the same thing and still at 20 does some things half way. To them, when you ask them to do something and then show them how to do it, it is saying that I want you to do this, but it has to be my way or it is wrong.

Pick your battles. If you don't feel that the way she vacumns is "RIGHT" and you can't live with the way she does it, then pick something else for her to do. I always made my daughter do it anyway, and would tell her that if she was going to spend 3 minutes doing her chores, then she could only have 3 minutes on the phone, tv, video games, etc.

If she does not think it is worth "earning money" for, then don't give her any when she wants to do something. Buy only her necessities and no extras, she will eventually figure out that "chores" really do pay.

As far as her room goes, if she doesn't want to clean it and keep it reasonable (remember she is 11 and they are still learning their organizational skills) then just shut the door and tell her that her room has to be cleaned by a certain day of the week and if not, you will clean it for her and keep everything you pick up that is not in a where it should be. (Remember, if you tell her the book is suppose to be on the desk and it is there but is crooked or not exactly where you would put it, she still has it where it is suppose to be.)

I would do this, and for everything I picked up, I would put in a plastic bag and either put in the garage or I sold at a yard sale (and no I didn't replace it down the road). The clothes I would wash and dry and keep. I eventually ended up with all my daughters clothing and when she wanted something she had to bring me what she had had own and then I would give her another set of clothes to wear (of which, I picked out the outfit). Eventually she figured that out, and decided that it was easier to take care of her own clothes and wear what she wanted than my way.

The hygiene part will find its way. Remember she is in that stage from going from you taking care of her to her finding her own way and learning to be a young lady. Her friends will let her know about her hygiene. Just reassure her that you don't want anyone making fun of her because of it and you will let her do it her way, but you are always there to help if she would like it. Make sure she has all the products that she needs to do the job (there are even a couple of dvd games for computers where they can try different styles of hair, clothes, makeup etc.) and then when see she has made an effort (no matter how small) Praise her, Praise her, and Praise her some more and only Praise her. Dont's say "wow, you did a great job on this, but you could have done better on that"!

Pick the battles worth fighting and the others leave on the battlefield, she will figure it out.

Hope this helps,
Thin hair and gray mother of 20 year old daughter and 4 boys.

Hang in there- I'm sure you are doing a great job as a step mom! My kids are little, but what works for me is making it fun- a contest or a challenge, singing, etc. They especially love playing 'freeze clean' where I play music and they clean as fast as they can, but get to freeze when the music stops. I know it sounds like a lot of hoopla that you may see as excessive for an eleven year old, but let's face it, most people DON'T love to clean! You are doing a wonderful thing trying to teach her the responsibility along with doing the chores, but have fun with her at the same time. If all she hears is "nagging" then all she is going to do is push back with her huffing and puffing- it's the nature of her age to be lazy and test limits. But in the end, it really is all about wanting to spend time with someone who wants to spend time with her........and why not enjoy each other's company while you have help getting house work done? Trust me, I have nights I just want it done and I am too tired for the fanfare, but those are the same nights that there is more yelling and crying and less work getting done by any of us!

First, her father should be involved, sit down with him and her and discuss the daily household operations and the areas you expect her to help you. The list is a good idea but follow through on her parent's part is important. Only under her parent's supervision will she consistantly do her assigned jobs (keeping her room and clothes clean should be her responsibility anyway). If she does not do what is expected explain to her during your meeting that there will be consequences. I operate on the 3 strikes you're out system, 1)talk about why she didn't do the job or do it as expected, 2)talk plus take away a privilage; i.e.a sleep over already planned, 3) talk, take away a privilage and ground her for 1 week (that means no cell, telephone, email, electronic games, shopping trips, friends over or TV). Only once she starts taking care of her jobs regularly, should you offer to pay her a regular amount for those jobs each week.

C.

I never had a daughter, but this worked with my sons. I would find something they wanted to do or somewhere they wanted to go and I would explain to them that certain chores needed to be done before we could go. I explained as a "TEAM" we could get things done much faster and be on our way. This also gave me time to bond with my boys on the outing. I also bragged on them in public for helping me. By doing chores together, they also saw that I was willing to do my part. As far as personal hygiene, have you ever thought of taking her to get a manicure and pedicure with you. I know she is only 11, and there is some expense in this, but if she finds out how neat this is and her friends comment on how nice she looks, maybe it will help.
R. B.

I am a stepmother of two beautiful girls. I have now been in their lives over 8 years. When I first got together with their dad, the girls were 8 and 3. Let me just say, it was no walk in the park!! The 3 year old was no problem - the 8 year old was a whole differnt story. It took about 3 years or so before the oldest and I clicked and she actually listened to me and respected me as a person. Looking back on it all now, she was a little girl acting out for attention and making sure daddy didn't forget about her, because of the new woman in his life. You kind of have to put yourself in your stepdaughter's shoes - have you bonded with her on a personal level?? Do you have her respect? Do you respect her?? My answer to all of these questions was no. Like i said before, it took about 3 years for us to click - because I didn't think about these things ahead of time. RESPECT is a big thing - even for young kids. They are smarter than you think. On another note - the youngest is now 11. She does not take care of herself and it drives me crazy!!!! She thinks showering every 3 days is fine - and she hates chores as well and when she does complete the chores they are done sloppy - be patient - this is a phase. Reward her with other ways than money - like an outing somewhere to her favorite place or a new shirt or something like that. Use a reward that helps you bond. Let me know how it goes!!

Maybe you could make doing a chore (and doing it completely) a prerequisite for doing something she likes, like getting on the computer or watching TV (or both).

Writing down the chores on a daily list is still a good idea, because you can refer to that list (and refer her to it also) to see what needs to be done before those privileges are granted. That way she won't feel like you are just making up chores 'on the fly' to annoy her.

It will take a while, believe me. She will get upset at first and keep trying you, hoping to wear you down. (This is all based on my experience. ;-) ) Try to stay calm, even though she will get upset. Just state it matter of factly. One day warning is nice, or warning at a family meeting for the next week - that this is the way it will be done. Your job will be to inspect the completion of the chore (don't notice or mention the 'time it took to complete it' factor) and send her back if it wasn't done completely. Be sure to explain in detail what each chore entails and what you expect to see as results.

Like on the vacuuming, be detailed about what you want done - what should be moved and put back and where vacuumed. Look for evidence of unvacuumed places when you check the results and have you finish up if needed.

Mine used to gripe and gripe and gripe and try to do a lousy job. But eventually they reconciled themselves to just doing it and getting it over with, and doing it right the first time.

I'm not sure on the bathing issue. My thought would be if her hair looks greasy to send her back or if you notice dirt. But, other than that, you may just have to wait until she cares more about her appearance.

Good luck.

Being a stepchild myself, I never listened to my stepdad. My mom always had to tell me what to do before it would get done. It's not that we don't want to listen to our step parents it's just that we see our mom as our mom and our dad as our dad and that's it. So first things first, you have to talk with hubby and have him tell daughter the rules and the consequences should the rules be broken. He also must tell her that you will be the one inforcing the rules and applying the punishment if the rules are broken. I would develop a routine though. I find that children do better with routines. Our cleaning day at my house is Saturdays. I wash the dishes, do the laundry, and sweep and mop the floors. My husband cleans the bathroom (toilet, bathtub, sink, and mops). My son has simple chores like - cleaning his bedroom the way he has been shown to do it and dusting. Laundry is a family afair. While I do the folding I make everyone put their own clothes away. Through the week - I don't stress cleaning unless we there is a specific reason. Begin a routine and get hubby involved in the routine. I don't know if your daughter has the amount of homework that my son does, but he is in the first grade and has a ton of homework. My goal during the week is to have him focus on that. It takes us about 2 hours on Saturdays to get everything done. As far, as monetary rewards - my opinion is that kids have enough privileges with video games, bikes, trampolines, etc. without having to pay them to contribute to the household chores. I think that is a responsibility everyone is the family should be part of.

Is there any recourse for your step-daughter not doing the chores that are required of her? Grounding, things taken away that she loves, etc. would be my first suggestion. I have a 13 yr. old son and a 17 yr. old daughter that do everything from dishes to laundry and in-between. They have had chores since they were very young. We have never paid them for chores. We do reward our kids with extra privileges and lots of praise if they do an exceptionally good job on something. You just have to make her understand that she is part of a family and family members are all suppose to do their part in whatever needs to be done around the house. We do have to remind our son of his responsibilities much more than our daughter. There is no excuse for your step-daughter not cleaning her own room nor taking care of her own personal hygiene. It might take a while but when she realizes she will loose her privileges if she does not do her part, she'll come around. Good luck and hang tough. It's all about consistancy.

I also have an 11 year old and getting her to do things is a real pain, however I have found that positve comments help. She has to unload the dishwasher, and she hates it, but I always tell her thank you so much when she is done, and let her know that by her helping what I was able to accomplish with her help, and explain to her how it makes everyones day better when we all help out. We also do something fun every weekend and I tell her that because she helps around the house we get to do things that had she not helped with, we wouldn't be able to be out because we would be at home doing all the things that didn't get done! She is also not into the whole hygiene thing, but it's getting better. I use to have to remind her every morning to brush her teeth, wash her face etc. She is getting to that very social age when she wants to be presentable, so I think it's just a stage! It will pass!Hope that helps!

tell her she has to do her own laundry and clean her own room & bathroom (if she has her own) and then just let it alone. don't do any of it for her. i teach this age group (my son is still little) but that is what i can think of!

My daughter will be 11 this May. Bathing is not real high on her list either. I have spoken with other moms, and it turns out this is normal. I found out that my cousin used to get in the shower but never actually get wet. Then she would lie and say she was clean. It is an old family joke about her stinky years. She is married now with kids of her own and I am positive she takes baths! I settle for Lauren bathing before church on Sunday mornings, and on Wednesday nights. Some moms may think that is terrible...I figure I'll take advantage of saving on the water bill right now, and that boys are just around the corner. I bet I won't have to worry about her bathing then! As for the chores, she is normal too. We have chores here, and my son is much better to deal with than my daughter about them. The rule is 30 minutes of tv/snack when she gets home, and then nothing else, including homework, until she gets her chores done. That may seem harsh, but her chores should only take about 30 minutes. It is her fault if she drags it out. No tv, no phone, no friends until they are done. Monday is the only day she has an afterschool activity that prevents her from having time for the chores. So, Mondays there are no chores. Her responsibilities are her room, bathroom trashcans, unload the dishwasher, and to clean up the mess her baby brother has made in the toyroom that day - which she thinks is so unfair. Oh well...life is just that way. My son is 7. He does his room, the office trash, picks up in the family room, and sets the table. I think vacuuming is also age appropriate - we have wood floors though. You are not doing anything wrong. She is just a normal preteen, plus you are a new authority figure...so are her new teachers every year though and she has to obey them or suffer the consequences. I have learned that suffering the consequences of not having time for homework, not seeing a friend who calls unexpectedly, or missing a favorite tv show are way batter teachers for her than me yelling, griping, or grounding her. Best of luck to you...this shall pass...

I am a step mom of 3, in which I came into the marriage a single woman, who never dreamed of getting into this situation. One of my best friends from childhood came back into my life and now I have been a step mom for over 5 years. The number one thing you must do is get your husband involved! The heavy must come from him, another suggestion must be to look at your step daughter as more of neice, than a daughter ( I mean this in a positive sense ) don't try to be the heavy like a real mom, let that be left to her real parents. Your job is to be a guardian, positive role model, and the adult she can trust to come to for talking about her day, or if involved in a delicate matter. Don't offer her money for her chores but offer her time (that is all that every kid wants) they want to be involved in decisions, activities and so forth,or maybe you can let her decide on something she would like to work towards. If you don't have a common link, then create one with her, such as scrapbooking, common interest with taking care of pets, walking for exercise, having her show you how to become more familiar with the family computer, whatever. Once a realionship is developed on a more eye to eye matter, everything else seems to fall into place. Also, don't let her huff and puff and get away with it, have your husband call her out, so ask in front of him in the morning. Don't get me wrong I have handled things on my own, and the kids know they can not walk on me but it is rare that I have to show it, because I have established this over the years. I made the mistake in the beginning of trying to be on the same level as their parents and it blew up in my face, now since I have taken the aunt like role, and let things ride, and tuned into them more as individuals it is a whole new world. I am very close to all of them, but I mainly believe the foundation is respect, I respect who they are, their interests and get involved on their level. Do we still drive each other crazy at times, hell ya, but we continue to grow and learn from each other..time is also a key element.
My step children's ages are turning (less than 4 weeks) 13, 11, and 8.
The teenage years are just around the corner which will open another whole can of worms, but I know I'm prepared for that realm, I was a junior high teacher for 7 years, high school cheerleading coach for 5, so I've dealt with a heap of drama. This is when my husband will have to take off his rose colored glasses and deal with reality. So anyways I don't know if this helps any but hopefully it might give you a different perspective on trying a different approach.

H.,
What would your parents have done if you acted that way? I think it is time for there to be "a new sheriff in town". You need to let her know you are the parent and she is the child and as long as she is living under your roof this is how it is going to be. I know it sounds old fashioned...but I see so many parents today let their children disrespect them, and the problem is, if your children are not going to respect you... who will they respect. Take back your home!

Household chores should not be about 'earning money'. Helping around the house is about being a family and supporting each member of the family. If she doesn't want to help with family support start taking away privileges and explain to her that these things are privileges and her behavior does not merit rewards and privileges. Television, computer time, special treats like candy etc are not rights but privileges. I have a 10 yr old son and he's starting to get surly and pouty on occasion. He's fairly reasonable though and responds very well to explanation, compromise and reward whereas nagging gets us nowhere. Maybe if you could talk her around to having some pride in her work, she'd do a better job. Perhaps start with giving her one specific household area to keep tidy and organized, something very visible to the whole family so she'll feel some family peer pressure to keep it clean. Her father might have more effect on her than you as a stepparent also. What is his take on the situation? If he doesn't think it's important for her to help you, she's certainly not going to go out of her way to help you. Stepparent is a hard, thankless, esteem bruising position. Regarding personal hygiene, she's 11, she's likely not quite in the mindset of a young lady or interested in boys yet. She'll come around when her little girlfriends start chasing boys and/or when she herself decides she likes a boy. Society has a way of conforming people to societal expectations.
Do you have family dinner time or regular family activities to reinforce the idea and institution of 'family?' You weren't part of the original family, and unfair as it is, it seems like it's going to fall on you to work hardest to create a new strong family bond and to do that you need family rituals such as family dinner time definately, and some regular weekly activity such as a television show that the whole family enjoys and watches together or even weekly grocery shopping trip where the whole family goes and she helps choose the food for one nights dinner and helps prepare that dinner. If dad is uninterested in shopping like my husband, you could take her along and to include dad, talk about dad's favourite foods, what would dad like, what to fix for dad. Then the two of you are sharing 'dad' together. Anything you can do to create a feeling of 'all of us' and get her mind out of the 'me and dad, you and dad' set.
Good Luck.

priv·i·lege [priv-uh-lij, priv-lij]
3. a grant to an individual, corporation, etc., of a special right or immunity, under certain conditions.
http://dictionary.reference.com/search?r=2&q=privilege

H....just a real quick add. Does your stepdaughter get to see her little brother? My ex uses my big boys to get to me. But I have let the boys know that I love them and miss them every single solitary day they are not here. Far as your husband goes, he needs to put his foot down and tell her to take a hike where using their son is concerned. I would hope that your stepdaughter is told every day how special she is to you. Steps are not an easy relationship. Just tell her she is special enough that you married her and her daddy. Maybe then she will do things even better for herself and to help you out even more. Also, my dad took me on a date night just the two of us once a month. Is that a possibility?? Have a great weekend!

Just let her huff and puff. I have a 16 and 12 year old, and I have had to push the 16 year old and now my 12 year old to do anything. I used to get so frustrated that they can't seem to remember even one or two chores that they are required to do every day, or to even take a shower. It still bothers me, but I've decided to pick my battles (at least the 16 year old is more into showers now that there are BOYS to consider - not sure that's a good trade-off for me though). If their chores aren't done when I get home from work, they lose their privileges the rest of the night. I don't even try to get them or my husband to see other things that need done around the house on their own - it just won't happen. I accept my fate as the hander-out of duties and simply do it. The kids can stick their lip out the entire time if they want, so long as they do what I ask. And if it's not done right, they will go back and do it again until it is.

I hate the middle-school years. It seems to be the moodiest time of all and they are either mad or sad or pouting all the time. It will pass (mostly ;) There's nothing wrong with needing help around the house - we all do. Even the kids of stay-at-home moms should have chores and help in my opinion. It teaches them skills they need to care for their own homes one day and responsibilities. I also don't give set allowances because I want them to understand that as a family, we all pitch in to keep our home in shape - we're a team.

Good luck! (BTW, we are all learning as we go! Don't tell the kids that though ;)

helping around the house should be a normal thing ,shouldnt be a problem for her,I know when I was younger and I did have step parents,you did your chores or you didnt get to do the things u wanted to do,she does live there so it is something that should be done helping around the house,if u dont get a handle on it now it will only get worse,I know from my own experience.I think kidds this day and time think its not to be exspected from them,but it only will hurt them in the long run of things,hope this has helped u we all have to stick together,its hard rasing kids this day and time.Thanks,K.

I do not have any step children, but I will tell you how it works in our home. We have 3 children, 15, 13, & 11. They do not have a choice about chores since my husband and I both work. The two oldest take turns with the dishes every night and the youngest helps clean off the table and load the dishwasher. All three fold clothes, and my husband and I help when we are not doing something else. We do not give our kids an allowance, but we give them money as needed for things. They have to help us or they do not get to watch TV, play video games, or play with toys. In other words, they get grounded to their rooms where they have to read books or study for school. I guess another question would be, where is the father and why is he not backing you up? I have been around several step families and it takes both parents working together to make the household work. I hope this helps, good luck.

I have two daughters, respectively 11 and almost 8. My kids are not always willing to clean their rooms. When they do a clean up or chore and it is not satisfactory - they either do it over or there is swift consequence where it hurts. Not TV, no game cube, no friends over whatever makes them think -gee I don't want that taken away. I take things away and I follow through. You are the mom, she is part of the household and being part of the household means you are all a part of a team - the same team. Now either she does the job and does the job well and takes pride in the job done well or she has a consequence that you follow through with.
I am not saying this is easy - it is not. I am saying all professionals in child psychology state to be consistent and follow through and with my own experience - that has worked the best. Is your husband standing by your side on the family team? That is important since you are the "step-mom" Step-mom or not respect to the adults in the house is to be upmost priority.
Hope this insight helps.
G.

H.,

I beleive that everyone who lives in the house needs to help, and I don't tie allowance into basic chores.

At one point 2 of my children didn't seem the need to help out around the house. Nothing I said workd, so I went on strike. I didn't do laundry, groceries, or cook. The strike only lasted 4 days until they saw the light.

They are really good now about helping out. When the times come (and they do) that they don't want to get things done, or they put it off, I offer to have Kirby clean their rooms for them. Kirby is my trash can. They know that if I have to clean up after them, Kirby gets their things.

Hope this helps.

Perhaps giving her some choice in what "chores" she wants to help with would help. As a family we sat down and talked about how this is OUR house- we all live in it and we are all responsible for taking care of it and making it a better place for ALL of us to live in and it's unfair for one person to be responsible for everything. I wrote up all the things it takes to run the house from feeding the dog to laundry to bringing in the mail to grocery shopping to vacumming (and how often per week these things need to be done). Then we (Dad included) each took the cards for the things we were agreeing to be responsible for. Sometimes the cards dictated who would choose it (my kids are too little to mow the lawn or grocery shop). But usually we got to pick things we don't mind doing so much. We don't talk about "chores" but responsibilities toward the family and house. Doing this seemed to help everyone (includind Dad) see just how much needs to get done to keep a house/family clean and in order. Nothing is tied to money. And it was made very clear at the family meeting that doing our responsibilities comes before play time.

I have a 10 year old with the same issue -- she wants, wants and wants, but doesn't want to work for anything. It's very frustrating.

I don't many kids regardless of age who actually LIKE doing chores. You don't mention why she is living with you and if her mother is still in the picture. If the mother is in the picture she may resent you "telling" her what to do. Regarless of the circumstances you should sit down as a family and discuss what is expected of her. Keeping her room ressonable clean, a bath everyday etc. Give her a little room to breathe and realize that it will probably not be done exactly as you would do it but she is only 11 and probably has never had to do chores before. Offer encouragement each time she does do something such as thank you so much for emptying the trash. Good luck!

You're not doing anything wrong. 11-year-old girls are notorious for being pouty and non-helpful around the house. I'd say she has to do her chores and get NO money for them and NO fun on weekends until the chores get done. You might want to bring her dad into this, too. After all, you're "just" the step-parent. He really needs to back you up on this in order to get her to help out around the house. Also, and I'm still getting used to this one, kids do a bad job of cleaning. But you just have to let them do it. She's old enough to handle some critiquing, like if you check on her vacuuming and there are dust bunnies in the corners, praise her effort and then point out the faults. But don't make too big a deal out of it. Just ask her to check it over again, but only once. Good luck!

Sometimes, no matter what the age of the child or what their situation, they just need the adult to be by their side and actually help them with their chores. It will be together time for the two of you, you can show her how it should be done and she will be getting lots of attention and praise for working 'with you' to accomplish something.
If negative attention is what she is used to, then she will do things to get negative attention because it is all she knows.
If she gets possitive attention, she will continue to advance herself in that direction as long as their is continued help, love and attention from all the concerned adults in her life.

Children are not adults. They need tons of attention, praise and love to feel accepted. Help her find and accept who she is and she will willingly help you to understand her and find the best way to interact. If you feel she is depressed and will not come out of it with your help, you may want to speak to a counselor or doctor for professional help.

God bless you and your family
MJ

hi - you are in such a tough position - I have been there with a stepson and even with my own son at about this age.
First, the discipline and rules HAS to come down from her Dad so you are not the bad guy - then - with his rules in place, do her chores with her (you would be doing them anyway!) and use the time to connect with her - be one her team - then you are the good guy instead of the bad guy. My stepson died and the only thing I really regret was being the bad guy to make him do his chores. They are important but joy and love are much more important!
With Love
L.

You need the support of her father to let her know that helping you around the house, etc. is not a choice but something you expect her to do. It is part of being responsible and respectful. Parents who care are the parents who set boundries and rules within the household.
If the money does not work as an incentive...start looking at taking away some activities (that she wants to do) ie, birthday parties, movies, etc. In the long run she will appreciate that you guys loved her enough to be strict.

I don't have an eleven year old, so I'm not quite to that parenting stage yet. The only advice that I can give you is what I would like to think that I would do in your situation.

My daughter has had chores and expectations of her virtually her whole life. Whether it be to merely to put her juice cup in the kitchen when she was little where it typically ended up on the floor :) or now to cleaning her room twice a week and picking up after herself, she has had some sort of expectation of her role in our family unit and it changes very very frequently. Your stepdaughter is eleven, and while that is still young, there are many many different things that she can do to contribute at eleven.

Initially, I would start with *her* stuff. Meaning, that everyday she needs to make sure that her homework is done, that all her belongings are picked up, that her dirty clothes are sorted, her clean clothes (that you fold) are put away, and any practicing (piano, band, soccer, etc) is finished. These are all things that she can claim ownership to. Establish VERY FIRM guidelines about what is expected. Once all of those things are finished, she can have the rest of the evening to do as she chooses, however if they are not done, the TV, computer, phone, outings, etc are off limits. Many times with this age group those things (social outlets) are worth much much more than money.

I would do that for no less than 8-12 weeks and see how it goes. There can be ZERO wiggle room from the guidelines that you set or the validity of the system will be gone. Additionally, this is something that you and your husband need to explain to her together as you are the step-mom. You two need to be on a united front and it will probably seem more real to her if dad is involved (that also helps to keep the two of you on the same page). Once a few months have passed and things are going smoothly, start introducing (note: that is adding a new chore, not exchanging)one new thing every other week or so, depending on how the last one went. Maybe she needs to vacuum the living room every other day, or be responsible for unloading the dishwasher when they are clean. Start the chores that will contribute to the household as well as herself.

I hope that helps and that things can start moving in the direction that you want. Validate her concerns when she complains, but don't give in. "I understand that you are upset about this." Don't appologize as you have NOTHING to appologize for. You are in the parental role and that trumps all others.

Good luck!

my suggestion, get your husband involved. Maybe if he sets some ground rules, she will listen better. Another suggestion, have a sit down with your husband and agree on "punishments" if she does not do her chores like she is asked to. Then you and your husband need to sit with your step-daughter and discuss these new punishments with her if she does not do her chores. She is getting to that age where she'd rather be talking to her friends on the phone than do housework. Your step-daughter probably doesn't take you seriously because she doesn't see you as her "mother"; but in truth, you are. Even though there is a "step" in there, you are still the authoritative figure in the house and she needs to understand that even though you didn't give birth to her, she still needs to respect you and listen to you as if you had. Make a list of privileges to go with the list of chores. If one chore does not get done in a timely manner, take a privilege away. When that chore is done, the privilege is returned. She will most likely fight you at first, but in time she will realize this is how it's going to be and she must obey these new rules if she wants personal things like clothes and "toys", and wants her privileges, like talking on the phone or going to the mall with friends. Good luck!

Hey H.,
My name is N. Hull and I was wondering how you got my name to refer me to Mamasource? Just curious! :)
I have 3 teenagers and I am not a stepmom, but I have would suggest that your husband tell he what chores to do. She is bucking the system it seems....will he talkt to her?

You are not doing anything wrong. Unfortunately she has to decide it is important before she will do it. Even a monetary reward might not seem important to her now but it will soon as trips to the mall and lunch out become teenage rituals. Let's give her the benefit of the doubt that maybe she can't understand generic or big tasks like 'clean the bathroom'. I have a list of what it takes to clean the bathroom posted on the back of the door. It says ... the bathroom is clean when it passes my inspection ... to get it to 'pass inspection' you should do the following ... 1. clean mirrors with windex and paper towel, 2. wipe baseboards with a wipe, 3. nothing else is on the floor except the floor mats and the laundry basket, etc. It seems silly but it leaves no room for debate and it gives my daughter some independence in that she doesn't have to keep asking me 'is this ok', 'am i done' - when she is done with the list it looks great. Friday is cleaning day (room and bathroom) and the tv doesn't come on until it is done and passes inspection. It doesn't go well all the time even with a couple of older kids but at last they understand expectations. Regarding folding laundry, my kids don't often participate in that and certainly how a towel is folded may mean more to me than them but one day my daughter was at a friends house and helped her mom fold the laundry and I received so many compliments about her skills. It reminds me to laugh.

I recommend the book by Jim Faye: Parenting with Love and Logic. IT'S THE BEST BOOK I'VE EVER READ!!!

it states 'never pay for chores'.... there are some GREAT bits of advice in there on how to get your child to be a house helper w/o paying... I'm also a stepmom, to a 9 year old who lives with me full time :)

I remember as a kid I always had to help around the house. I was VERY small when my Mom started having me help on Sat mornings cleaning. I also remember how she was never pushy, she never got excited or upset when I didn't help. She was however an expert at using leverage. I myself have used this when my husband's 15yr old brother came to live with for a year.
Just wait for that moment when she asks a question like... "Can I go play at XYZ's house?" All you have to say is, "Sure, as soon as you clean your room, and vaccumm the floors." Or whatever else she is supposed to help with. There may be times that she weighs the options and chooses to stay at home instead of cleaning, but she won't forever. As I got older I either clened something ahead of time, or expected to have to do something. My Mom was never a Nazi about it, and made exceptions if time didn't allow for me to do it before. When I was in high school it became understood that if the house wasn't clean, I didn't go anywhere. So, it became natural for me to pitch in and help just to go ahead and get it done fast. Funny too how that habit stuck and even in college Sat mornings were when I cleaned my dorm room! Anyway, I think that by my Mom doing it that way she taught me that you work in order to get things you want. And she never paid me a penny. You can use just about any "Can I?" question, and just fill in the blank of whatever you want her to do. My Mom was a genious. (JK) And if it worked for a 15 yr old boy, surely it should work for most anybody!