Keeping Toddler Son (2) Happy in My Daddy's Absence

P.,

As the product of an "every other weekend dad," I want to encourage you to establish traditions and rituals that you and your son do together that you know his other parent doesn't do. For example, my dad started reading novels to us. He read the whole Chronicles of Narnia series and Lord of the Rings trilogy when we were little. He took us to art shows and music festivals. He took us on hikes where we got to pick out what we wanted in our lunches the night before. He got us hiking boots and walking sticks that we kept at his house. He also made a big deal of Halloween: made elaborate costumes, carved pumpkins and took us out Trick or Treating. All of these were things my mom either wasn't into, didn't have time for, or couldn't afford. It exposed us to new things and gave us something to look forward to that were just "dad things."

The other suggestions I would have require support from the other parent, so I'm not sure how useful they will be.

1. Get on Skype and call him every day or every other day so you can "see" each other. Maybe you can eat breakfast "together" or you can read him a bedtime story and be able to show him the pictures.

2. Make DVDs of you two reading bedtime stories that he can play before he goes to bed, or whenever he wants.

3. Send mail. A couple times a week, send him a card, postcard, a page from a coloring book, a picture of the two of you, a coupon for an ice cream cone, stickers, etc. I realize he's not reading yet, but it is a thrill for a little one to receive mail with HIS name on the envelope!

Just letting him know that you are thinking of him when he is not with you goes a long way. It sounds like you are doing the best you can given the circumstances.

Cheers,
A.

1 mom found this helpful

P.,
You have some wonderful ideas here and I'm so impressed for you to have taken the initiative to be proactive in keeping in touch with your son.

in addition to the other ideas.. don't forget about Regular mail ;)
Give your son a plastic pocket folder to keep the letters in.
Be sure to include some pre-addressed/stamped envelopes in your pocket folder to help make it easy for the mom to send his drawings or messages to you. this may take a little while to catch on.

Or e-mail - if the mom is on-board to help. There are several cute pbs web sites (try 'jakers', but there are others) which have 'postcards' which can be sent.

all the best,
marg.

1 mom found this helpful

artscow.com has a lot of printed products that you can put your pictures on. Pillows, bags, shirts, etc. I'm sure he would love a picture book or a pillow or shirt or something. Maybe a few shirts, so that he can pick which one he wants to wear. :)

P.,

A photo album is a great idea. Be sure to leave room at the back for new photos that can be added.

When my son was 2 (he's all of 5 now) my sister came for a visit and brought him Thomas sheets. He still remembers who gave him the sheets every time we put them on the bed.

Perhaps something like sheets or a special night light for his room would be nice. Cozy stuffed animals are nice. Something big and squishy to remind him of a big hug from you.

There us a site called My Mommy Doll. They make a doll of your likeness and you can record a message that your son can hear of your voice. A little spendy but might be well worth it.

T.

I haven't read through the other responses yet, but here are my suggestions:

1 - Build-a-Bear has teddy bears or other stuffed animals that you can create with your son. Last time I was there (a few months ago), they had a piece that you could insert inside the teddy bear that would have your voice recorded on it. You could have a special message recorded for your son, and every time he squeezed the bear's foot (or wherever you decided to put it), he could hear daddy's voice.

2 - Record yourself reading books to your son and have your son's mom play the recordings for him at night before bed (as she flips through the pages for him). Pick new books for him every month and make new recordings.

3 - The photo album is a great idea - a small one that he can flip through with his little hands.

4 - Make a small memory blanket for him - make it out of scraps of his older baby clothes and some of your older clothes for a patchwork effect. I think there is also a program where you can get your photos printed on fabric. I'm no seamstress, but I'm sure your local fabric store could help you out with this.

5 - Send a special food treat home with your son and have him count down the days until he sees you next by eating one of the special treats each day. This activity can be a great chance for your son to learn the days of the week, counting down numbers, and will also be a daily reminder of dad.

Hope one of these works for you!
M.

That is an awesome idea. You could take your child to the build a bear workshop and make a stuffed animal with him. Once the stuffed animal is made, you could tie the photo album (with a piece of leather I imagine) to the stuffed animal. That way he has the animal as a memory as well as the small photo album of you and your child together. Hope all works out well for you!

Is there an article of clothing you could let him take for the week? When I took my daughter for a trip away from dad for a few days I brought a shirt that my husband had recent;y worn and when my daughter would get upset at night I would have her cuddle the shirt. The smell of dad on the shirt seemed to comfort her.

I like the photo album idea too.

P., that sounds like a great idea. also another idea would be to record yourself reading his favorite book to him that he can listen to every night. all the other posts have wonderful suggestions. the most important years in a childs life is birth to 4 years old. these are the imprinting years. anything that you can do to instill your love in him will be well worth it in years to come especially since you and his mother are not together anymore. good luck.

This is a really hard time - going through this with my husband and he's had times where his son will tell me he doesn't want him or freaks out - not because my husband is a bad dad but because he's confused. He's now nearly 4 and out of that stage and loves to see daddy so it will pass I promise - whatever you do ALWAYS be there regardless of what your son says.

The blankie idea and picture book are really great ideas. Do the two of you have any special places you go or things you do? Put pics of those in there. Also your parenting plan should provide that you can call whenever you want. Even if it's only for a hi try to call him on a nearly daily basis.

This is a really hard stage, but it will get better. Boys love their daddies but when parenting styles split they have a hard time coping with being allowed to love both parents equally.

The fact that you want to do this makes you a good father!!!

These are all great ideas - he will cherish whatever you do!

My parents split when I was young & I remember my Dad always telling me interesting facts - like why the sky is orange & red at sunset. At the time he probably thought I would never retain that info - but I did. He also took me fishing & those are my fondest memories.

No matter the relationship with your ex - never speak ill of her - he will only resent you for it later.

Be the positive male figure he needs!

Best of luck!

When I was a preschool teacher, we made photo boxes for each of the kids. When they were missing their families or having a hard time, they could go get their box and sit with it or carry it around. t worked great!

To make one, select a small box like the ones mugs come in. Tape the lid shut securely. You can even fill it with beans or something to make noise when he shakes it. Cover every surface with a colored paper and then start a photo collage all over the surfaces. When you are done, laminate the whole box with contact paper (craft stores carry it cheap).

If you want something more durable, you can get a wooden box or stool or any wooden thing from the craft store. Paint it and decoupage the whole thing. The craft store can help you pick out the supplies you need. This is a project that you can do with your son.

If you and your ex get along well, you might even suggest that one be made of you to keep at her house and one be made of her to keep at your house. It is hard for a child so young to transition like this, and you are absolutely on the right track to make it as easy as possible.

Again, if you and your ex are on good terms, you could make a video tape of you reading books so that your son can watch it while he is at Mommy's house and Daddy will be right there reading him books.

The photo book is a great idea. You can also order quilts/blankets with photos on them. That would be a neat idea, then he could cuddle up with you at night. Also, you can record yourself on a DVD or something reading stories. Then when he misses you he can watch you on video. Just some ideas!

P.,
I want you to know how great I think it is that you want to do more than exist as an every other weekend dad.

Just like so many of the mom's have already suggested- if your ex will do it- set up weekly Skype calls. It's hard to keep a toddler's attention, so it should only take about 10 minutes, but a good ten minutes! Sometimes for my inlaws we used to just set up the camera towards his play area and let them watch him play (especially when we couldn't hold him in front of the camera). They would call out to him and he would run over and show them toys.

There were also times when I was traveling that I would take along a favorite book and read it to him live via Skype. A couple of times when the timing worked out, I would order room service, set up in front of the computer and my husband would put my son's highchair in front of our home computer and we would eat together. You gotta do what you gotta do!

I also video taped my husband reading my son a story for when his traveling kept us apart and he loved to watch it- especially since he was watching himself with his dad- he got so excited!

The photos in a frame and sending him little letters is great too.

No matter what, don't give up on your efforts. I only saw my dad maybe once a year from 5-13 yrs old and then maybe twice a year once I became a teenager. I rarely remember him calling us more than once a semester either.

And now that I am a mom it blows my mind that someone would not want to try to do more and be more present, even when your hands are tied. Your child will thank you for it down the line. Good luck to you!

I think the photo book is a fantastic idea, maybe even get a bunch of pictures and a small inexpensive (but fairly durable) albumn and let him help you choose which pictures to put in it. I know something my husband and I have is we each have a certain song/nighttime ritual that is only ours. Winnie the pooh is mine (I sing winnie the pooh songs to her at night), and if we were to be apart for a length of time I would send her with her pooh bear, a CD of Pooh songs and the movie. For Daddy it's Beatles songs and he takes her swimming so a Beatles CD and pictures of them swimming would be good. Simple, but hopefully it gives a few ideas.

GREAT question- and the photo album will be treasured by your boy. You can also buy a ''Build-a-bear'' critter at one of their stores ( not all of them are costly-) and give it your voice-- so he can squeese the little monkeys' paw and your voice says'''' I love you buddy, see you in a day or so''' --- I 'd also encourage you to call him daily- if he's at day-care - I'm sure they'd let him chat for a minute or two ( and he'd mostly listen to start with - for sure :-)))) ) You can also record songs and stories that he likes on tape- and give him a little tape player ---

Great question- you can make your bond with him iron-clad - I guarantee it.

Blessings,
J.
aka- Old Mom

P., someone below mentioned a blanket --- my mom recently gave us a blanket as a gift for our son from www.lovinghandsblankets.com. It has the child's name embroidered on it, you trace your hands on it and add a personal message(s) with special fabric pens that come with the blanket. Ours also had a bible verse on it, but you can customize it if you are not Christian. You can also have pictures put on the blanket.

This is from their website: "Messages of love to the recipient can be written within the traced hands. The center satin-stitched design is a heart with a set of hands representing God’s hands, a verse from Scripture or a desired sentiment, and the recipient’s name embroidered across the hands. It is amazing what warm feelings come from having the hands of friends and family surround you when you are wrapped up in a Loving Hands Blanket."

Then he could be Wrapped in your arms/hands when you aren't there. Good on you for looking for ways to stay close when you are not with him!

My step son was given a photo album of him mom and siblings when he came to live with us. I am not sure if he looked at it much, but I know that he kept it on his night stand. So yes, I think the album is a great idea. I also think that the build a bear thing is a good idea too. It gives him something to snuggle at night when he misses his daddy. Good luck and most of all, just give that little guy lots of love.

the photo album is great. Many others mentioned dolls or animals. I have a recordable sound box that you can put into your animal and you can hand stuff these together. no sewing or machines needed.

www.FunPartyForKids.com

I always love the idea of a photo pillow. ITs a small pillow with a picture of you on it. You can have them made (through ebay) for around $15.00 or you can buy a pillow with a little sleeve to add a picture too. Kids love to snuggle and nothing is better than snuggling with mom/dad.

Hi P.!

That photo Album idea sounds good. You can also burn slide shows with music to DVD for him to play "movies". If you have a camera that records..you can record yourself reading him a story and put it on dvd. Maybe three or four stories..kind of like a "daddy time" dvd. If his mother is okay with him watching it, shouldn't be a problem. Of course the photo album might be a good idea in edition in case he doesn't get to watch tv every day, or if there are objections!
Good luck!
H.

Photos, any way you do it, is great! I have a 2 yo and we live far away from the rest of the family. I use a photobook and she reads it all the time. She now talks about the people in it or what they are doing. We also use skype and have a build a bear that talks with some family saying that they love her. Both are really great too!!! I work with kids as well and in separation situations, I sometimes also suggest that you send a tshirt you have worn home for the week. it smells like you, which kids really enjoy and they can use it as a blankie if they want to cuddle up with it. Good luck!

How good a relationship do you have with your ex? If is bad, don't even ask.

If it is good, or even so-so I would ask if you give him a small 5x7 photo of you and him. Put it in a modest frame with a stand up base. I think a book at this age is a bit much.

At three when he has more language you can create a small, age appropriate book at your house and talk about it there before you send it (with your ex's permission). Too big a book may make her feel not so good and not too happy, so keep it small with just a few pictures.

But ask first, if she asks for time to consider it, give her time. If she says no, accept it. She may just be too emotionally not ready to do this. Give her time. Ask again in six months or so.

Make him a daddy doll. Lots of deployed soldiers get them for their kids. It will have your picture on it and he can snuggle with it, sleep with it, etc.

What about a keychain with your photo, or a string and bead (eg. manly) necklace he can wear?

that is a great idea. They have some soft ones specifically for kids.

I think that the picture book is a wonderful idea. He will treasure it. Another spin on the book would also to make it educational. A friend of mine made a book for my sons birthday where she cut out pictures of things that were certain colors or pictures of his favorite things and put it with a letter, so Cat (C) etc. You could do that with pictures of you both and maybe his mom would be willing to read it to him at night.

Hi P.,
I like the photo album idea, and here is another. Do you wear cologn? if so, put a squirt on one of your shirts that he can take with him. We walked into the house the other day and my 3 year old said "it smells like daddy in here" because he had just put some on.
- C.