Keeping Good Boundaries with Neighborhood Kids

I used to tell the neighborhood children we cannot play with you at this time, we are having family time. It got to the point I would rather go inside than watch some of the neighborhood kids! And if the kids showing up were too old to play with my then 2 1/2 year old I would tell them no.

I am a firm believer that people will only treat you in ways that you allow them too. If you really dont want to listen to the mother rant and rave....you have to show her that you are not interested. It may be rude, but it's easier than outright saying you don't give a hoot! Don't make eye contact when she is talking...be distracted watching your daughter....or looking at a magazine etc.

For me dealing with the kids would be simple and forward. Either tell them that your daughter is too young to play with them, or her toys are too small for them, or simply after a few minutes go inside saying you will be back later.

I used to live in a townhouse and OMG my neighbors kids were so uncontrolled. If i left my front door open the older boy would come press his boogie nose on my screen door looking in. We couldn't leave anything outside or it became it was free game for them to play with. I remember looking out my back window and seeing them sitting in my daughters kiddie pool tha i had filled and left to warm in the sun....it is SO aggravating, but like someone said, you cant choose your neighbors. But you can choose how you interact with them.

You either need to be obvious with your desires, point blank tell them how feel, or just learn to deal with it. It sucks!

We used to have a mom, well actually she is still there but her kids are grown, who used to shuffle her kids out the door every morning at the same time to find somewhere to play. Then she would lie on her deck getting sun and reading a book. Funny thing was if you talked to her she would go on about how easy kids are to raise, yeah, cause the rest of the neighborhood is raising your children. :p

Every now and then I would try to get my kids to get them to let them play at their house, apparently mom would have puppies at the thought.

You can't pick your neighbors, best you can do is find someone to rant to.

I wonder if she ever realized that most groups of moms gathered together when her kids were around were talking about how awful they were and how lazy she was.......

There is nothing worse than feeling like a prisoner in your own home and not being able to enjoy your backyard. We've waited all winter (and spring) to be able to get outside! So, I agree with the others who say to just be blunt with these girls and tell them you're having family time. Maybe let them come over once in awhile for a half hour or so, but certainly not every day. They really are too old for your daughter. If it continues to be a problem, have a talk with their mom. Tell her that there is too big of an age difference and that you would prefer her daughters not come over all the time. Good luck!

Hi there,
I just want to commiserate w/ you because we had this same situation last year, although the mother didn't come over and dump her problems, she just didn't care and didn't know where her children were; she was too busy smoking outside on her big patooty all day. Sorry, I digress. But it was me constantly supervising her kids, and they were a handful. Anyway, I got so sick of it I just kept saying, "I'm sorry, but we're having family time now" and I would send them back home when I wasn't in the mood to have them over to our house. Other times I'd let them come over for a time pre-set in my mind, say an hour. Then I'd tell them that we had some family things to attend to and I'd send them home. They were finally kicked out of the house after about 6 months due to not paying their rent -- and they ended up trashing the place. Nice. I have no other advice than to say send the kids back home when you are "done" -- and by all means, send them home when their behavior breaks your home rules. Good luck, I do feel for you!!

p.s. I agree w/ Tiff below, a very uninterested, bored response to the mother will hopefully alert her that you're not into the personal problem chit chat. :)

I don't really have any advice other than to say I am having sort of the same problem too. So I'll be interested to see what answers you receive. There are a couple of girls who live next door to me that aren't very well supervised as well and aren't very nice to my 8 year old daughter. They are constantly wanting to play over here with my dtr on her trampoline and unfortunately they are the only ones who ask for my dtr to play. I am dreading the summer due to this reason. I work fulltime at home so I don't have time to play referee with them. Good luck with your situation.

"And of course in writing this I also feel like I am not a "nice" person by not trying to "help" them or be more "understanding", etc., like I am a big "B". "

First off, M., no one can be helped unless they want to seek real help. And for them, it would be with family counseling and other professional resources. I'm pretty sure you aren't a certified therapist, so don't feel badly about not offering your services in that area.

If you want to continue to have a good relationship with these folks, here are a couple ideas:

"Our yard, our rules". Each and every time the kids come over, stop and take a 'rule break'. Write the rules on something so you can remember, and keep them positive:
We ask before using the toy our friend is using.
We use our words to solve problems, not our bodies.
We ask take turns with toys and ask for a turn "when they're finished".
We are safe with our bodies and our words.
Our language and our bodies are friendly and safe.

I would actually put these on something smaller but permanent, so they can be visibly read and posted during playtimes. Review them EVERY time, right in front of mom. Notice that the 'rules' are very positively worded.

Then, stay child-focused when the other mom is over. When she drones on and on, keep your eyes on the kids, not her. Actively parent your girls, and step in with confidence if you see some unsafe actions on the part of her girls. Narrating the situation helps better than jumping into a correction: "Andrea, I see that Josie is using the shovel right now, and that your hand is on it because you want to use it too. Andrea, ask Josie 'Can I use the shovel now?' Oh, so Josie, you aren't done using the shovel. So Andrea, you may tell her 'I'd like a turn when you are finished, please'. There. Josie, when you are finished, Andrea would like that shovel."

Notice that all the language in this example is *very purposefully neutral*. You aren't saying Andrea's being pushy, you are simply cueing her in to your family's way of doing things and correcting the situation as you go. Thus, less for this other mom to argue with.

Your three year old isn't going to understand, either. Sorry. She just sees them as "big girls to play with". You can also use the "oh, we are having some family time right now" line, which is polite and respectful while letting them know that you don't want visitors at the moment.

And fences are also pretty awesome!

I wish I had some good advice because I have a similar situation. Our neighbors' daughter is the same age as my daughter, but she has serious behavior problems. I wouldn't worry about it too much except my daughter wants to play with her (and usually ends up screaming to go home) and my daughter picks up some of her bad behaviors when they're together. Whenever we're out, the neighbor comes out, but when my daughter sees her outside, she wants to go out, too! We have been spending way too much time inside because I am trying to avoid them. We have also been going out often to storytime, other playgrounds, etc. just not to be home. I've also figured out when her naptime is and that's when we go outside, although I guess your neighbors' kids are too old for naps. Sorry I don't have better advice - I'm going to read your responses and see if anyone has good ideas!

I think Hazel came to the conclusion that I did: Fences make great neighbors.

i never understood neighborhoods that don't have fences around their houses! I really just don't get it! seems like it would solve so many problems! I would just flat out tell the girls you want to play outside with your daughter by yourself and to go play somewhere else. and start saving up for a fence! good luck!!!

Can you afford a fence? ;) I can't offer many suggestions because I have a similar situation in my neighborhood. I do home daycare for a few friends' children so I will have them and my own outside and there are some neighborhood kids that will wander over and stay for several hours with no one checking on them- is like the parents know I will be outside so they don't even feel the need to check on their safety- I feel so awkward because I feel like I can't even give my own kids a snack without being rude to these children but then again I can't afford to feed the whole neighborhood all summer! Doling out popsicles and snacks to 8 or 9 kids gets to be a bit much! And a fence is not in our budget :) One thing that might help with the mom is to have a magazine out with you on the patio- then as she babbles on you can read your magazine and look up politely once and awhile. Maybe the disinterest will send her back to her own yard! Good luck to you! I look forward to the other moms responses.

Is getting a fence with a lock for your yard possible?

Good fences=Good neighbors

I agree with prior posts that you need to set some boundaries now and teach these other kids that you are having "family time" that they are not a part of.

I err on the side of protecting my family, house, property, etc. over worrying about other people's feelings and reactions.

Although I understand that you don't want to piss the neighbors off, I think you have every right to explain to these kids that they need to ASK to come over into your yard or if your daughter can plan instead of just barging into your yard every time they see you outside.

Also I think you'll need to address this issue with their mother. I'd say something like, "My daughter really loves playing with your kids. But sometimes we're just looking to unwind a bit before dinner and having three kids to watch is a bit overwhelming. I'd really appreciate it if your girls would ASK to come over or if we could set up playdates. I'm sure you understand."

And as for the next time the mother wants to dump on you, I think you should have generic replies like, "Wow that's too bad or I'm sorry you're having such a hard time." And if she doesn't get the hint simply say, "Excuse me, I need to go tend to Susie." If you don't engage her, at least then YOU don't have to listen to it.

I have shallow limits to "dealing" with other people's rudeness or lack of parenting. I become more direct and clear in what I expect and if it upsets them, well so be it.

Don't be a victim in your own yard - fence or not.

My response to children who wander into our yard without an invitation is I'm sorry they can't play right now you may want to go home and ask your Mom to call other friends for a playdate at your house. If Mom comes over, just let her know that now is not a good time but next week you'll make some lemonade and she can come over from 3-4 for a chat and tea. Let's her know you are not accepting company now, but includes her for a later time. If the subtle hint is not taken for pop in visits then be direct that you don't feel comfortable supervising that many children that frequently.