Just Need Some Support

My father died of very long and difficult battle with Leukemia when I was 22, he was only 49...so I have been raised around dealing with mortality. And just last week, both my great-grandmother (who was 95) and my husband's grandmother (who was in her 70's) died.

It is a hard thing to think about, but when an elderly person dies, I think about how lucky they have been to live such a long and happy life, filled with the things that are most important, a family that loves them and supports them. Also, many of them are tired, often times lonely, and ready to come to that peace also known as death.

Instead of dwelling on the inevitable, gather the family around and celebrate what he has left. Make a slideshow of his life, write down his history and genealogy, stories of his boyhood and reflections on life and seeing the world change. They will be so valuable when he is gone. And one day, you will all meet again on the other side and can speak of this time as not one of goodbyes, but of happy memories being made.

My grandparents all played a daily almost parent-like role in my life. I lost my grammy at 18; she was only 64. Lost my grampy to alzheimer's and eventually death too few years later. Then in 2008, I lost both my paternal grandparents within months of each other. One was a surprise and the other was expected (years after a debilitating stroke). I dream of my grandparents weekly. These dreams are so vivid I awake convinced that they really didn't die. It takes years for this kind of grief to wane but I wouldn't trade it. The dream moments when I can have my grandparents again are worth the let down when I awake and realize it is not true.

We should always being "saying our good byes" to our loved ones whenever we see them. I don't mean this in a morbid or even literal way. Make the time you see your grandpa, your parents, your friends really count. If we do that now, we will have fewer regrets when death does come.

Your post was a refreshing one after the spate of angst-ridden-family-holiday-vents we've seen on here in recent weeks. I commend you for the obvious love you have for your family. It is something to be proud of and that love is a badge you will wear and pass onto your children even after your grandfather has passed.

Wishing you peace...

Welcome to the next stage of your life.
How I envy the wonderful relationship
you have had with your grandparents.
I have often wondered, as an adult,
how my life might have been different
if I would have had loving grandparents
to turn to in times of stress or sadness.
Or aunts, or uncles.

It seems to me your primary task in the near future
is to be loving and supportive to your grandmother.
Let her know how much you have appreciated
having grandpa in your life for all these years.
Let her know how envious you are (if this is correct)
of their long long good marriage.

This is also your opportunity to explain to your DS just what is happening. That Grandpa has lived many many years but, as we get older,
sometimes our bodies are just too tired to keep going.
Sometimes, even though we want to stay among our loved ones,
the body just gives up.
As long as we have our wonderful memories of our loved ones,
as long as we can carry and enjoy those memories,
our loved ones are still with us.

{{{{{{{{{{Adansmomma}}}}}}}

AAwwww, what a beautiful loving post!

You Grandfather has had a long productive life, as you say, you are better for knowing him.

Change is hard, but you sound so healthy in your post, I'm sure you'll work through it to a peaceful place where you just feel fortunate for the (LONG) time you had together!

:)

(((hugs))))

dealing with our loved one's illness is never easy. yet, i hope you find solace in knowing that you were the best granddaughter you could be, and make every moment meaningful! continue to enjoy the days. continue to love him...

*hug* I know the feeling. My grandpa is in his 80s as well, and recently had to have surgery to remove a cancerous growth from his face... during which they found another one, but they have to wait to do surgery on it. He also has had another type of cancer that has been in remission for the last 18 years, but has come back and is now attacking his bones. And his kidneys have started failing on him. I have been away from home for about a year now, and I'm terrified that he will pass before I get a chance to go back to ID and see him again. I lived with my grandparents for about 5 years when I was younger, so we are super close. My main comfort is to know that he has lived a full, happy life; and I am soo thankful that I was able to spend the time I did with him.

If you're close to someone, it's hard to think of them gone -doesn't matter how old they are! My husband's grandmother died yesterday and she was 94 -but it doesn't mean he isn't very sad about it. I always think news like this is compounded when we're at a major holiday because we're all supposed to be with family and happy, etc.

One thing -yes -your grandfather is having heart problems. Older folks in my family have a rich history with these, so I know a bit about them. He may pass away soon -but he may NOT! It's not a bad thing to get it in the back of your head that you need to be prepared, but the catheter is a procedure that my grandmother had 2 years ago -at age 94 -and she'll be 97 in January! Her husband, my grandfather, died at 90 after 25 years of heart issues including 2 open heart surgeries, the catheter procedure, etc. He had an arrhythmia and so does my grandmother. My other grandmother lived until 83 with these problems too! I know it's a shock, but don't feel that he's necessarily going to die immediately. Like I said -it may happen, but it may be awhile. I hope you get to see him tomorrow and that you all have a fabulous Thanksgiving!

Dear Adansmama,

Many HUGS to you and your family!

Why not ask the doc next time you get the chance, so you can find out more about your Grandpa's specific circumstances? As another post said, he could live quite awhile still.

While you still have them, make sure you ask all the questions you ever said "Someday I have to ask Grandma and Grandpa about..xyz....." I remember wishing I had asked my Dad's mom what it was like when she gave birth to him....what was the weather like that day, who was with her, was she scared (he was her first baby), long or short labor, was he a fussy baby, etc. My other grandma passed away when I was too young to even think about childbirth, lol; but Dad's mom died afer I had my own two kiddos.

Keep doing what you are doing--staying in contact, and loving them, making memories and reliving former ones. It is not easy to lose someone close, but you will be OK!

K. Z.

I'm sending you hugs. I am in the same situation, still have all my grandparents, and my grandma has recently been having more and more health problems. She's the most influential person in my life and sometimes I sob just at the thought of her passing. I hope that things turn out well for your Grandpa, I'll be praying for him.

find and attend a "grief support" group. Ask the hospital if they know any or do a Google search for your area.

I went through something similar, with my Dad.. who has since passed away 10 years ago. For my Mom, attending a local grief-support group... REALLY helped her.... there are SO many... emotions involved and adjustment... and she met many great people there... who understood perfectly, what she was going through.

Even if your Grandfather is still alive... having to come to grips with his health and illnesses.... and thoughts about it.... is a kind of 'grieving'... because you are experiencing... them.... becoming more fragile.... and how they impact your life.... before and now.

all the best,
Susan

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandfather's health problems. I'll say a prayer for him and for you all. It's extra hard around the holidays too. I have 1 grandparent and my husband has 3 living and they're all in their 80's. We are all so close to them and it's hard to see them growing older and more frail. I treasure each day I can spend with them. (((((((HUGS))))))))

I know exactly what you're going through. My 2 year old son has several heart problems including a SVT arrhythmia. He takes 2 meds to control it (Digoxin and Propranolol), but he had one in August of this year. I rushed him to the hospital and they had to cardiovert him (shock him like they did to your grandfather). Next year they will do an electrical mapping of his heart through a cardiac cath to find the exact location and then they will do the ablation. They would like to wait until he's a little bigger for the ablation. He also needs another open heart surgery.

We currently live in Leavenworth (my husband is Army), and all of his treatment is done at Children's Mercy.

I don't have any words of comfort, but I do believe in the power of prayer and living every day to the fullest! Also, I'm so amazed with modern medicine and the amazing doctors that have saved my son's life so many times.

Enjoy your time with your grandfather. You're so lucky to have him and live close to him!!

Enjoy your time with him and don't give up hope yet. Ask the doctor if the new drug Pradexa would work better than the coumadin for a blood thinner. Lots of people have Arrhythmias and live a long life with it. The blood thinners help to prevent stroke and blood clots. Love him and spend lots of time with him while he is here. The time goes by fast. It is hard when you loose someone close to you. My thoughts are with you.

Sweet girl - I am sending you hugs and support and good thoughts and prayers. Best to you and your grandfather. A. from Virginia

Doesn't matter the age of the ones you love, just that they are special to you and therefore will be missed becasue you love them and also because they have been in your life so long. 3 years ago my grandfather died he was 103. Yes 103 and the love of my life. My son then 3 was totally my grandfathers best buddy and they adored eachother. He was perfectly healthy up until a month before he died. His body started to break down after all those years. I knew the end was coming and I was devastated. And if one more person told me well he is 103 and lived a wonderful life, I was gonna scream. But I was thinking of me not my grandfather who was suffering and was tired and I think ready to go. His last words he spoke was calling out to my grandmother who died 10 years before, he wanted to see her. I am sorry you and your family has to go through this, thank goodness you can spend time with him, tell him how much you love him, and if he does pass you can be content that he knew you loved him. You and your family are in my prayers.

Hug, I know how it feels and you will hurt and things will get better and then as life goes on , we hurt, we feel better and we hurt and somehow with God's help, we move on, living an existence where we feel like no one understands our hurt and voila, we find those people who do!! And oftentimes we continue to find them on this website. Prayers and HUGS AGAIN.
LOVE,
S.

The best advice I can offer you is to appreciate the gift of the time you've had with them. We all know, in our minds, that death is a part of life, but I think many of us forget to see the gift we've been given in knowing someone else. I loved my late maternal grandfather and late paternal grandmother with all my heart and I miss them terribly, but instead of focusing on my loss, I focus on the gift of their love and time that I was given. I share their stories with family and friends; I live by their wisdom. In doing so, they continue to live in my heart and mind.

Enjoy each day you have with your grandpa. Honor him by living your life to its fullest. And when he's gone, treasure the gift you've been given. In this way, he will never truly be gone.

Hugs.

Hi Adansmother,
I'm sorry for the heartache that you're going through. These times are never easy and at the Holidays they seem so much more difficult.
I'm happy that you had those wonderful times growing up and those are stories you'll be able to pass along to your son. How precious the times were for you and your grandparents to help raise you! I know, my oldest granddaughter is 15,( I raised her for the first year 1/2 while "the kids" went to further education) my grandson is 9 months old and he and my 9yr. old granddaughter have only had me as their babysitter. I have such fulfilling memory pictures of these times and feel so blessed to have the opportunity to be there with/for them. I'm sure your grandparents feel the same.
The fact that you can look back and see what a long and loving life you have shared with your grandfather is a treasure so few know. I send you hugs and pray for strength in this most trying time. Be Well, RO

I know how very hard it is to lose a grandparent. I lost 2 already. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I know this is a very difficult time for you. I am so sorry. I am sending you that big ((hug)) !!!

(((HUGS))))

I'm sorry you are going through this. I think it is an honor for you to share this with us. I lost my Grandfather in fourth grade and my other GF in eighth... it wasn't easy then, and I think it would be twice as hard now... especially since your son has gotten to know and love him.
The fact that you have the foresight to come to grips with his mortality BEFORE he dies will help you in the future. You can cherish every moment and make the time to create more moments to share. It's something we all wish for once we lose a loved one. Right now, you have a gift of being able to soak in the joy of having this very special person in your life.
I wish you and your family all the best. My thoughts are with you.
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