Just "Mom" and "Wife".... Where Did "I" Go?

Hi, Karen. I just wanted to share a few things I have done to get "me" back. Maybe something will strike a chord. First, I do a lot of reading. So when I have some downtime you will normally find my nose in a boook. This is something I've always enjoyed. Second, I have joined quite a few networking groups. I really felt like I needed to make some friends and do something for myself outside of my children. One of my favorites is Portland DinnerGrrls. Third, I joined Usborne Books as an educational consultant. Again, this gets me out of the house, it gives me something to work on when I have free time at home, it doesn't take too much time away from my family, and it ties in with my love of reading. Finally, I exercise. It's a great use of downtime, and I feel so much better after I do it.

Hope this helps at least a little.

Try sewing, you can get a used machine for cheap and start out with basic patterns. You can find great fabric for $1 at walmart joannes or pacific fabrics. You can make useful things like blankets, sleep clothes (who care what those look like) pot holders and such.

I too am not a crafty person a couple ideas that I enjoy but am not able to do them sience i am a full time student and can not bring any thing out while my son is awake because he gets into it, my ideas are scapbooking most malls have scapbooking stores and it is fun to do and you do not need to be crafty to do it. Also this may sound chessy but paint by numbers are quit fun even my step dad likes them so these are fun easy things to try. If you are looking for something else maybe try taking an online class to keep you busy. Hope this helps.

How about working from home? I love my job from home and it definitely fills up free time. You can do it part-time, full-time, whatever you want - it's very flexible. And it's a great source for a second income or some extra spending money. I'd be happy to tell you about what I do. ###-###-#### or send me your number and I'll call you.

I definately know what you mean. We seem to forget about ourselves. I like to get on the computer and browse around. I check out ebay a lot, check my email, myspace, mamasource. I also like to follow up on the top stories in the news, and I love celebrity gossip. I too have started excercising, and I'm not going to tell you I love it, but it takes my mind off things! I have some me time. You should take a warm relaxing bubble bath and pamper yourself once in a while. Lock the kids out!! :) One thing that I used to do before I had kids was I stamped. It is relatively cheap, and nowadays you can buy most of the supplies at Walmart. I took a Stampin Up class, and it was lots of fun. My mom did cake decorating and she loved it. Just a couple ideas...Good luck!!

Hey, Karen I have a couple of suggestions. If you haven't already, check out "MOMS" club (www.momsclub.org). It's basically a group of local women who get together to find friends & support each other. Through it you can make many friends and find unlimited ideas of what other moms do to unwind, in addition to moms nights out, etc. Or you may want to take a class at your community college, either one you go to each week or on the internet. Revisit some of your hobbies from high school or college! I hope this helps!

You could always pick up knitting. The projects you make get used and don't just sit around picking up dust, and it gives you something to do while sitting around watching kids' movies. I used a dvd to learn... I couldn't figure it out from a book, but it didn't take too long once I was able to watch someone doing it (after many "pause" "play" moments).
Good luck...

I think alot of moms feel this way, I know I do at times. Between keeping up with my 3 year old and cleaning the house, it seems there is little to no me time. The only thing I can recommend is to try to remember what you used to do that was fulfilling to you...I usually surf the net, read, or write. I am not a big "crafty" person and have found that scrapbooking just seems to take too much out of me, as I was always searching for some new thing that to make a new album with...maybe curling up on the couch with a good novel, finding some new band that eases your mind, taking up yoga or some other meditative zen garden thing, maybe gardening, if you have the ability to, take a drive go exploring some side street you have always wanted to drive down but never did cause you always had somewhere else to go...hope any one of these helps you...

I too just had an emotional break-down of sorts over the same thing. Fortunately, I know what I want back in my life. My fit body, my creativity and my socializing.

If you aren't sure where to start, I would ask myself, what did I like to do before being a mom and wife. Of those things, what can do when I have a moment? I would also make a point to create moments (hours) too. I have given up on my origial idea of what I want my house to look like. (At least while my kids are so young and needy.) I do not want to spend the majority of my life cleaning. What kind of life would that be?!?! Of course, certain things have to be done to keep the house functioning and safe but I suggest making a priority list of what would cause you the greatest stress if it were not done.

I personally have given up on routine dusting and don't make the beds everyday. I keep up on laundry and the kitchen since so much goes on in there. Then the bathrooms for sanitation.... I suggest turning over the kids' bedrooms to the kids with a daily and weekly check-list for them.

If you still don't know what to start with after pondering your life before kids and marriage, maybe start with reading? Simple card-making (then you can send them to friends and family)? Gardening (indoors or out)? Maybe re-kindle old friendships through phone calls or email or coffee?

Good luck and remember a lot of moms are going through this too!

It sounds like you really need a hobby. There are alot of crafts that you can do at home. I personally like to do beading(jewelery mostly). I'm quite the opposite of you though. I get a bunch of stuff to do for crafts, and I have a ton of unfinished projects around the house. Working from home isn't a bad idea. It sounds like you need more adult contact time with other people too. Why don't you find a class to take while the kids are at school? I suggest you start to make a list of things you would like to do. Then, you can go forward and buy the things you need to do it. I went stir crazy when I wasn't working, so I understand how you feel! Good luck!

Hi Karen,
It's vital that you have something that defines you. Someday your husband wont find you very interesting, and that can lead to all kinds of things. Also, your children want to see that you have hobbies and activities that make you happy, so they don't feel so pressured by you. Kids feel pressure when they have to bear the burden of being the only thing that makes you happy. I would suggest a night out, but doing something like a dance class, or an art or sewing class. The community centers offer all kinds of classes and if you are having financial challenges they offer discounts and aid etc. Honestly, we Mamasource gals shouldn't have to tell you that you need to find something to complete you. You need to get up and do something about it. You shouldn't have to ask your husband for permission either. It is your right as a human being to participate in this world, to be both an asset to yourself and to others. Join an environmental group, go hiking, take voice lessons, etc. etc. etc. Don't make excuses like, "I can't sing," or "My religion wont allow me to dance" etc. Just go and do SOMETHING! Believe me you are not the only one to benefit from it, your family relationships will improve as well.

Hi Karen,

I kind of found myself in the same boat you are in since I have three boys including my husband & they like to play video games or watch kids movies. I have decided that I am going to take up yoga outside the home a couple times a week & it's fairly inexpensive, $12 per class drop in. I figure it would be good for my mind, body & soul. Maybe that would be an idea for you. :-)

N.

I think every mom feels that way at some point (or daily!!) What helps me is to have time set aside on a regular basis that is just mine. I love to workout, so I go to the gym, put on my music and get sweaty, which is good for my mind and my body. Also, reading is a good escape (and cheap, too!) You don't sound too keen on crafts, but knitting is VERY relaxing and surprisingly easy to learn, and you can make nice gifts or things that you can wear yourself. Maybe if you have a fellow mom in your neighborhood, you can take walks in the am before the kids get up or in the pm after bed time.

Although you said you don't like crafts; I suggest scrapbooking. I am not real crafty either but I love it and it gives me something to do for just me. You can gets lots of cheap scrapbooking stuff online like ebay and such.

I also like good books and they are free if you go to the library or Amazon has them cheap too.

I know the feelings you have and I hope this helps.

Lauren

Hi Karen! I can so relate. As moms we give and we give. But we have to remember to fill our lives too so that we don't get burned out. Being a wife and a mom is so fulfilling but I think God wants us to continue to fill our cups too. My suggestion is to either find a hobby that you are passionate about, serve in your church or find a small home based business which will challenge you mentally and help on the financial end of things. I am consultant who works with moms that encourages self development so we can be better moms. Not only can I work around my family and their schedules, I am making relationships with some awesome Christian women who encourage me throughout my week. Let me know if you ever need to talk!

God Bless!
J.

Hi Karen,

Well I'm in the same position right now. I am 24 and never really had to much responisbility before meeting my soon to be husband and his two kids. I"m originally from New Mexico where I was born and raised and I needed a change. So I moved to Alaska. And this has been the best decision ever. But I do have my days of missing the carefree lifestyle I was so used to. I have left all of my friends, and the one friend that i did have up here moved in November. I am doing the same thing you are, when I have "nothing" to do, I'm cleaning. I run a daycare out of my house, so I have lots of kids all the time here. And my cousin who is 19 lives with us. Oh, and besides me and my step-daughter all the others are boys!! Yeah, lots of mess all of the time, and no cleaning lasts longer than a few minutes. My man also works on motorcycles which is fun and all, but it sure does leave things messy! I find when I don't have anything to do (besides clean) that now I'm going out to my man's shop and cleaning there. This is no fun. I"m used to being with my friends all the time. And here I can't even drive. The weather and roads are too scary for me. So I"m stuck at home, with lots of kids and all I do is cook and clean day in and day out. NO breaks inbetween. My man tries to help me out and he will take me out for a drive but he is a full-time welding student during the week and then on fri,sat, and sunday he works three 12/hour shifts. And in the evenings his friends come over for the motorcycle stuff. So my outings are to Home Depot, and Lowes! yeah real fun! NOT! I'm trying to find things to do, but everything eventually revolves around cleaning. And when my man gets home he somewhat expects things to be done. He works hard and is a great father, and husband. he takes care of me and really wants me to be happy. So during the summer we have some trips planned. But I still have the everyday to deal with. Right now websites like this one, or myspace are the places I find myself at all of the time. I love to write, so this gives me an outlet for just me and my thoughts. Because lord knows that I can get trapped in my head trying to figure out just who I am now. The kids all call my by my first name so that helps with that idenity issue, but it doesn't mean the same thing anymore. I feel me changing, and I know that it is for the good. Becasue I have always wanted to be a mom and a wife. But the way things have happened and how quickly it has happened has left me with my head spinning and no true idea of who exactly I am. Now I"m titled and it is good, but not the me I"m used to. My friends that are married all agree that we women have the hardest role in these types of relationships. And this is the arguement of most feminists. Feminists believe that women lose their self idenity because we are no longer seen as individuals, but more as just an object who doesn't ever get tired, doesn't ever get bothered by cleaning and cooking without end! To some degree I feel this way, but then I also see the love I get in return and that is what keeps me holding on. I would live this way forever, because I was out in the world alone for a long time, and now I have a family to call my own!

I know how you feel. I just started this "stay at home mom" thing...I've been at it about a month. And sometimes I feel like I'm soooooo boring! All I have to talk about is what the kids did, or what I cleaned, etc. I tried starting crafts, like making necklaces & stuff...but that didn't turn out! I like scrapbooking, but it sometimes it feels like such a headache to get everything out just to work on it. I want to go back to school & finish my degree...but I can't do it right now, where I'm at in my life with the young ones. I've tried to take up reading, but I'm such a slow reader! I even tried to find a part-time job, but I need something that I can bring the baby with me. It's hard! I LOVE being a stay at home mom, it's what I've always wanted, but now that I'm hear, I feel like I've kinda lost my identity too!

Try Scrapbooking, its fairly inexpensive and you get to do things with all the pictures you've taken. I also like to curl up with a book in a nice quiet corner.

Hello, I have a few suggestions for hobbies. Even if you aren't crafty you could pick up knitting. You can always knit useful things for you're kids and for Christmas presents and things like that. There are easy free patterns online, and you can always find yarn onsale or at the goodwill or something like that. It really doesn't take a lot of craftiness to do that. Another thing is scrapbooking. It doesn't take a lot of craftiness, you could even just do really simple things like documenting with pictures, pen and paper you're kids lives. Or start reading. I could give you some names of good authors who write Christian books if you're interested. Hope some of these things help.
A.

I dont know how you feel about reading, but library cards are fairly inexpensive or better yet free, and there are some really good books out there. Nora Roberts is the best author, Janet Daily is really good to. Reading is my thing I do when everyone else is doing something and I am tired of cleaning or laundry. You can sit there while the kids are watching tv or doing homework and read, its relaxing, and you can bury yourself in a book and pretend that your someone else for a while who is experiencing these incredible things. The other good thing about reading, is if your kids see you reading all the time, they may be more inclined to want to read. My 3 year old now has to have a book before bedtime everynight because he sees M. read before bed. Thats his and his daddys special time when they lay down in bed and daddy reads him a book. If you want email me and I can give you a list of some of my favorite authors. ____@____.com.

Hi Karen,
I know EXACTLY how you feel! It seemed the more time went on I just became this blob. I had NO idea where "I" went. My passion and drive was completely gone. I used to be carefree and bubbly...I guess that's what the real world does to us huh?!

Anyway after having our second child I was concerned about daycare costs so I signed up with Sensaria. Sensaria Natural Bodycare is a direct selling company based in Shelton, WA. If you've never heard of it we have naturally based spa products. www.sensaria.com/jessa Let me tell you Karen that even just after I started using the products things began to change for me. I felt like I was taking better care of myself, and if felt SO good. I was able to quit my full time job and now I just have my Sensaria Business. I do home parties, which are a blast, and I'm only gone for 3-4 hours for each party...the rest I do from home :) The women who are involved with this company are completely amazing and I have made some incredible friends. I now have something of my own, I am making money, and I am getting myself back! I am even more giving of myself now because I feel there is more to give. I don't have to reserve a certain amount because I am full of life again :) I have talked to many who have joined a direct selling company for the same reason. There are many to choose from but of course I reccommend Sensaria ;o)

There is also scrapbooking. It's fun and there are no rules to doing it. It puts your pictures in a playful setting and my kids love looking at their books. I scrap their first year. I hope this helps! My relationship with my kids and my husband are much better. I'm not as cranky anymore haha.

J.

Hey Karen!

What city do you live in? My husband and I just moved from living in an island community for 18 years to the "big" city of Vancouver Wa. We are in our 50's and have already raised 2 daughters ages 21 and 19. Our 21 year old got married and pregnant on her honeymoon in Dec, so we will be grandparents in Sept. NOW, we are starting over again raising twin girls that will be 3 in May. I can't tell you how many times I've gone thru the exact feelings you're experiencing! I'm having an even harder time now, cuz I didn't expect to be raising little ones at this stage of my life. At this time, I basically have one friend that works full time. I'm a stay at home mom. We have found a church that seems to make us happy and I'm trying to get involved there. They have a knitting/croshet(sp?) class twice a month on Friday nite that I'm seriously thinking of going to. I can learn something and socialize with other women in the process. My husband and I play scrabble and cribbage together, but before we moved we really enjoyed having other people over and playing cards or dominoes or something. It'll be awhile before we know anyone here. I get terribly lonely and feel kind of trapped in a world of kids. I don't have any solutions other than trying to trust that God has a plan and something will turn around. My husband is currently looking for work and he's wonderful about helping out, but he's much more content to just sit around at home with the kids than I am. I find myself spending long hours at thrift stores on weekends just to do something and get out of the house. I read alot of books! I'd love to find a book club. I'd love to email back and forth if you'd like someone to vent your frustrations with. Maybe we'll actually end up thinking of ways to help each other! K. ____@____.com

I recently found exercise is a good outlet for me.
I also like to scrapbook and like you I'm not a crafty person. It's more important to me to preserve memories so I try to make it easy by just mounting pictures on colorful paper and journaling.

hi karen, well i think that first of all you should stop asking your husband to give you something to do, or asking his permission. read, go on a walk, paint, there are lots of things to do. i know that we don't feel like we always have the time but we do. we need to make time. finding a hobby is a very good thing, i wish you luck......K.

This may not be up your alley at all, but I went through a similar "crisis" about 6 months ago. I have a full time job, a 4 year old and a husband- but between work, cooking and housecleaning I was less than inspired. I started scrapbooking but found that as another thing on my to-do list because of the amount of work I needed to dedicate to it. I wanted something I could pick up or put down as needed but could use to sort of vegg out in my own activity. I took up knitting. It is really easy to do, inexpensive to start, and you can do it anywhere. I knit while sitting on the couch with the family or in bed on Saturday mornings. It is not difficult once you get the hang of it and it can be as hard or difficult as you want. And you certainly dont have to keep your creations laying around-use them as holiday gifts, or I donate little hats and socks to shelters for children. If you can, get a book from the library or even go to a nearby nursing home and learn the basics. It may help fill your time and make you feel better.
Good luck!

I know you said you are not very crafty, but I like to scrapbook. It might sound corny but it is fun. You just need some old and new family photos. You can do vacations you have been on, holidays, special memories for the kids. You can make them each one. They will be very thankful when they are older to have such a precious memory that you Made!!!!! Also, it is relaxing and cures any case of boredom.

Read, girl, read.

Even if you never have liked it before, hit the library and pick out a book from every catagory you can think of. I have friends who had never finished a book all through school, and now LOVE to read as Mommies. One likes romance, one likes mysteries and one likes home improvement books. One of them figured out from reading that she likes to arrange flowers ... she even ended up going to school for it. It's total ME time: you and the book.

The best part is, it's good for the kids to see you engrossed in a book, but you can always mark your place and come back later if they need you.
I can recommend some titles if you already know what you like ... or the library and internet keep lots of reviews.

Have fun. I hope this helps.

what about reading or doing a puzzle? even if you did a puzzle they have mats that you can do the puzzles on and then roll it up and put it away until next time you want to do it.

Karen,

I'm going to suggest some things that I have started doing and some ideas that might pique your interest. I like to read, so I check out books from the Library. I also like to make things and have started crocheting various items for Christmas presents or other gifts. Sudoku puzzles might interest you or other puzzles like crossword or word finds. These are also good for your mental abilities.

If you don't know how to crohet or knit, I would be willing to teach you. I know you said you don't want a night out with the girls, but girl time is also good. It gives you a chance to rediscover who you are aside from being a mom and a wife. Please e-mail me if you want. I will be praying for you.