Just Learned Husband Has Been Having Affair...

Very sorry you are going through this. It seems like you firmly know how you'd like to move forward. I'd get an attorney before doing anything.
Good luck.

And I would not leave the house. HE needs to leave. (Unless money is not an issue at all!)

I say first off get the lawyer they can direct you in what route is best to take. Im just recently divorced and it does get easier.Starting now keep records of everything going on conversations on the phone in person everything its very important. Sorry you are going through all this. Stay strong!

How long is this affair? Is he violent toward you or the children.
Does he want to end the marriage? Have you wanted to end the marriage.
You need legal advise.

I think your first step needs to be to sit down and try and calming talk this over with your husband. Regardless of the outcome of this ( and I have been through this before with my husband, I really understand how your heart is breaking and how angry you are right now!!) you are going to have to be able to communicate with this man for years to come. He is the father of your children and for THEIR sakes you want to have as amiable a relationship with him as possible. Even if you do divorce, he is still their Father and you need to be able to "parent" with him in a way that is the most beneficial for your children.
You are not going to be able to just kick him out of the house...it is his house too...and that is going to take either agreement on his part or a court order. Dont' do ANYTHING while you are angry...you will make much wiser choices after you have managed to calm down a little bit and can look at the things more rationally and less emotionally. Right now your focus needs to be your children, they KNOW that something is wrong even if you have tried to act "normal" around them...and they are scared too. You and your husband need to work together to reassure them that both of you still love them just as much as you ever have...that both of you will always be there for them...and please PLEASE don't talk negatively about your husband around them. Treat them with respect by allowing them to continue to love and care for BOTH of you...don't hurt them by making them feel like they have to "choose" between you.
If you are affiliated with a church now is the time to go to your pastor, priest or rabbi for spiritual and emotional support. You do not want to walk through this dark time alone...reach out to someone who can give you a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear and some calm, reasonable advice.
Good luck to you my dear...and God Bless

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My brother is going through the divorce process. Do not leave the house. Ask him to leave. I would tell him that it would be less stressful on the kids. When my brother went to court for temporary custody and won the judge stated that the kids need to stay in the same house and the same school.Talk to the lawyer and see what they say. Be fair and tell him to get his belongings when the kids are not there. Sorry for all the stress and pain you are going through but remember now it is time to think about the kids. God bless and good luck

You can not change the locks. You also can not force him out. It's his house too. You will need to get an attoney and come to a mutually agreed upon plan. But you can't just lock him out. Restraining order for an affair? I don't think that's right. And I'm sorry, but I don't think you're doing this as smoothly as possible for you kids. He is still their dad. An instant cut from the life is not good for the kids. I know you're angry and upset and hurt. And you should be. But slow down. Go see an attorney. And go see a counselor. When my daughter was 4 1/2 months old my (now ex) husband told me he was moving in w/ his girlfriend. So I understand the anger. I understand the wanting to cut him out of yours and the kids lives. But it's not realistic or right for the kids.

what a terrible thing to discover. i am so sorry.
your mind must be in a total whirl. don't act until you've had a chance to move through this initial shock phase. you can't make good decisions from a place of emotional upheaval.
by walking away from the house, do you mean physically leaving, or selling it, or letting the bank take it back?
you can't get a restraining order unless he's been physically abusive, and having an affair doesn't qualify. also, if you do want things to go smoothly for your kids (and i'm sure you do), you HAVE to communicate with him. this will be traumatic for them regardless and they will need you strong, calm and competent. he's still their dad and will always be in their lives. you absolutely deserve your outrage and hurt and desire to not be around him, but after you process it all for a bit, you have to figure out how to work with him.
if it's his house too, you can't just change the locks. but if you're going to walk away, that's not an issue. if you want HIM to walk away, talk to him about it, make sure he can come and get his stuff, set up times for him to see the kids. then you can change the locks if you need to, but i suspect it's more of a gesture to make you feel better. which is fine. but you can't just lock him out, and doing so won't help things go smoothly with the kids.
you do need to get an attorney, and if you're going to keep the house, buying him out will be one of the things hashed out in the divorce settlement.
as for childcare, network with your friends and find someone you really like. that will help the transition for everyone.
i second the advice to resist the temptation to trashtalk your husband to the kids. i do understand how hard it is when you are so dreadfully hurt, but please please please keep in mind how irreparably damaging it is to kids to hear their parents shredded. it is so important that you both remember to rise above whatever is going on when you're with them, and to keep them free of any guilt (and taking sides always causes kids to feel guilty.)
hang in there, babe.
khairete
S.

hi mom!

First off...big cyber HUGS!!

I think you need to follow the same sage advice from some of the previous posters...

Get an attorney...many will give an initial consult for free...

DO start setting some $$ aside in an account for you.

Then BREATHE!!!

I would not say much to your husband until YOU have really explored ALL options in a calmer frame of mind...I know you are hurting...

Counseling for you (and perhaps hubby) would be a great thing FOR YOU!

Please private me if I can be of help...

Remember to love your children MORE than you hate him at this point...he IS their dad...and will always be!!

Sending more HUGS...
Michele/cat

Oh, M. J., I am so sorry - how rotten and unfair.

But, don't walk away from anything - his affair is ending the marriage and he should be the one to leave. Also, you don't want him to have any ammunition against you when you go to court.

So, make him move out, change your locks, notify the schools that he no longer lives in the home, call an attorney, open your own bank account and transfer as much money from the household accounts that you possibly can.

As for the mortgage, that will probably be settled with the divorce decree. He could quit-claim his portion of the home to you, you could refinance the home into you name alone, the home could be sold with the proceeds divided between the two of you. There are many options. The easiest is to have him quit claim it to you, leave the mortgage in place, and you continue paying it. This is what my sister has done with her home when she was divorced because of his affair.

Most of all, be strong and calm for your children. They will have lots of questions and confusion when Dad moves out so think about what you will say to them beforehand so you are prepared with adequate answers.

Childcare - depending on the ages of your children - check into after school care at their current schools - that way no transition to another facility after school. If they are younger than school age what about an in-home sitter for them (one who comes to your house)? Always, do spot checks on the facilities you are considering - when I had to pick one for my son I just dropped in unannounced a few times at different times of day to see what the atmosphere and activities where like.

Stay strong,

Good Luck and God Bless

Oh, that feeling of getting punched in the gut. Isn't it fun? (But then I lost 15 pounds.)

He certainly deserves everything you are doing, but you may want to see if there is any way to possibly salvage the marriage, depending on the type of affair (longstanding vs. two interludes), and his reaction to your finding out.

Being a single parent and then the inevitable step/blended family that will happen someday are not rosy and fun either.

I'm sorry about this, I know what it feels like. Good luck, whatever you do.

A few old saying come to mind... "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water" and "Don't cut off your nose despite your face"... As on, don't do anything that's going to make things worse and more challenging for you.

Don't walk from the mortgage. You don't want the negative credit rating to haunt you. Now a days, your credit history will be checked when you try to rent an apartment, when you're being considered for a job, when you try to get bank accounts and credit cards in your name.

I understand you're angry, but you can't make any split second decisions. You've got to strategize! Find a good attorney and pull the $$ together for paying the attorney's retainer. Let level heads prevail!

Don't do a ding dang thing. Pull waaaay back. You're mad, and I understand. You said you *just learned*. You may feel calm and collected but it's more likely that your anger is white hot at the moment which is why it feels cool. When you act out of anger, you can't be rational. It's fine to retain an attorney, but the first step is to talk to him and have him leave the house until you get a game plan for moving forward on your own. If you want to reduce the impact on the kids, make sure that you keep them in the same environment and deal with the emotions as they come so that you can help them deal with theirs.

Good luck.

read KansasMom response again...and again...and again.

If you decide to go forward with a divorce, contact an attorney first. Keep your emotions in check. Now is not the time to lose your control.

Take a breath. Your first instinct is to run, which is normal. But don't forget. YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG, so do NOT make yourself uncomfortable in any way. For example. Don't just grab the kids and run willy nilly from the house to make your point. DO NOT CALL THE MORTGAGE company.

Change the locks, tell him not to come back, and sit tight. Keep yourself and your kids as grounded as possible while a lawyer helps you get your ducks in a row.

Kick him out, but don't run. You have full advantage here. Stay sane. One step at a time. Notify all the relatives-even and especially his-VERY IMPORTANT going forward. You don't need any deception starting on top of everything else. You need full support.

Keep all documentation of evidence. I am so sorry this happened. Remember, you and your kids come first. Breath.

I posted a link that will be of great help to you in many way. Please go check it out. I'm not saying you shouldn't go through with what you are planning to do but please read on that site first.

http://survivinginfidelity.com/welcome.asp

I would suggest retaining an attorney first before you make any decisions about what to do with the house. Under his guidance, he should be able to tell you if it is in your best interest financially to walk away from the house, or if it would be better to try to sell it if possible so that your credit rating doesn't have to take so much of a dive it you have to short sell it.

The attorney should also be able to tell you what the laws are on changing the locks on the property and also whether your divorce petition includes an automatic temporary restrain order and whether the TRO includes physical proximity to you, not just prohibiting liquidating or transferring assets. And the attorney can also include in your court papers something about how how childcare costs should be handled -- he should pay, he should reimburse, 50/50 split.

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Be strong and have faith that it will all work out in the end.

"I am going to walk away from the house"
"I want to change my locks"
"Do I call the mortgage company now"
"Is it possible to take him off the mortgage"
"I want a restraining order"

There's too much emotion and pain to do anything rash at this time. You ask him to leave and he could run right back into the arms of the other woman where he is "king" and has no responsibilities. Or you could ask him to move into the guest room (if you have one) and while you BOTH calm down to point you can decide what you want to do and keep it as normal for for your children as possible.

There is no harm is speaking with an attorney, but understand attorneys charge by the minute.

Unless your husband is abusive, there is no need for a restraining order or to change the locks. Even if he leaves he still needs to see the children.

I would take a look at your bank accounts and assets and make sure you can put 50% aside if you can.

If divorce is the only answer, don't be so sure you will have to go to work full time or leave your home. The court will probably order him to pay child and perhaps spousal support.

If you are a praying woman, pray a lot and ask God for comfort, peace, the ability of forgiveness and most of all guidance during this very painful time.

I will pray for you and your family.

Blessings......

I am sorry you are going through this but I think you need to slow WAY down.

Even if you know you want a divorce......you are not thinking logically right now.... you are thinking emotionally. When you start making HUGE lifechanging decisions out of emotions you are setting yourself up for some wrong decisions.

Why do you need a restraining order? Has he hurt you or are you planning that as a "gotcha" to him.

Your children are his children as well. You need to get yourself calmed down, think rationally and logically before everything is completely screwed up. Think about your children...

You've gotten some great answers. I think I would do a little of both - seek an attorney, tidy up bank accounts, etc, AND seek marriage counseling. Getting your financial house in order will help restore your power and give you peace of mind. It will help you make clear decisions.

The counseling may circumvent things all together and restore your family with a lot of time and effort. Keep in mind that if you divorce, you'll be sending your children to spend "every other weekend" with the woman of HIS choice be it a girlfriend(s) or stepmother(s). I really disliked my father's 2nd and 3rd wives, but the 4th is nice. HA! You will end up coordinating Christmas and birthday gifts, vacations, ceremonies, you name it, with HER. While they are young, her morals and values will influence them. Also, keep in mind that the court will probably smile on you for initiating counseling, especially if he makes no effort to attend with you. So, do both the attorney AND counseling.

I'll certainly be praying for you, as I often wonder if I'm in the same boat and don't know it yet. Keep "your big girl panties on" and think before you strike!

Do not leave the house! I did so years ago, at the advice of an extremely bad or paid off attorney and he later told me I couldn't have my house (which my two kids would have loved to live in instead of the apartment) and the lawyer said (even though the apartment was more) that I wouldn't have been able to afford it. (That's where I always wondered about the paid off part-never saw the actual judge who he claimed said that). Since you have been living with this for a bit and not knowing-you are extremely angry right now (ME TOO at him), but take your time on all of your decisions. I am thinking you are confused since it says you want to walk away from the house but get locks and get a restraining order.You would be locking yourself out in that case. He is having an affair. You didn't say if he was hurting you or not. My sincere thought is that you go to someone (church/ counselor?) and sort this out. Attorneys are expensive and they are usually the ones who win on this deal and since this is a very emotional situation you need to feel calm before you act. And unless you find an attorney who you know will truly be on your side (they usually are if you have tons of money you are willing to give up), I suggest you take all the steps you can first. As far as child care goes-why does that change? He still has to help but I need more information about this to know how to contribute other ideas.

You can tell him to leave and if he wants to be with the othe rgirl he will.

Slow down and think all of this through. You seem to have a million things going through your head, understandably so. Get your attorney first.

I agree with the suggestions to slow down and think it through. If I were you, I know I'd be feeling EXACTLY the same way! I would want him gone and done with. But as someone else mentioned, you'll then have shared custody and his girlfriend will be in a "mother" role as disgusting as that may be to you (I know I'd HATE that!). As someone who is looking in on things, I would suggest to try to work it out...or something...mostly for your sake and the kids' sake so that you don't have to share your children with that other woman. BIG HUGS.