Just Help

I would go talk to someone in child protective services and or an attorney about this matter to see what you legal options would be. If both parents have lost their parental rights they normally don't have any visitation rights. (especially if the children where legally adopted by you) If need be Move! so the parents don't know where you are at.

Hi R.,

I commend you and your husband for taking over the responsibilites of raising your grandchildren. I am a survivor of sexual offense. Teaching children what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior, boundary empowerment, and that they have a voice and it matters, is crucial to their safety. Finding the right Therapists to assist them with the emotional changes that accompany this violation are critical in helping healing. Is it possible to have visitations supervised? Keeping the emphasis on teaching the children what a safe environment is will not only empower them, it will also empower you. Lastly, and perhaps most important, your unwaivering love and support is the key.

I hope this has been of some help. This is a subject I care deeply about. I hope you are able to find resources that propel you forward and aid in healing; they are available. Keep looking.

Be very carefull, she might threaten the children, especially if she is in denial, she will do the extreme for her son. Screw him and her. Your doing the right thing. If the court said she couldnt see them, then don't let her. never give up because of her denial. Thats how kids always get hurt and murdered because woman like her are in denial. This is California, they dont play when it comes to children. Please never give up on the kids, your all they have to protect them. God Bless you and your

Ohhh. I'm sorry I don't have any sugestions but I'll pray for you and your grandchildren in hopes that everything works out fine. I hope the visits are supervised, check with the social worker and see what they suggest, Usually the mom has to go thru some therapy and parenting classes and prove that she is capable of being a desent parent. Keep record of everything you never know when you'll have to go to court for the kids.

good luck!

R.,
As a police officer and a mother, I'm shocked the courts would allow the children to re-visit the home where the offense occurred. This may re-traumatize the children and in a sense re-victimize them. I'm not saying the paternal grandmother shouldn't have visitation rights, but it should not be at her home and they should be supervised, at least initially. If the grandmother can prove to be trustworthy and the children are comfortable with it, then allow unsupervised visits.

I know you are only doing this because of the courts, so you feel like your hands are tied. You might want to check with your county for free services and advocacy programs. In the county I work, we have an organization called "Rape Trauma Services". They offer assistance, counseling, and guidance for survivors of sexual offenses and the survivor's family. They might be able to be a voice for you in the court to challenge these visits at the grandmother's home.

The children are very fortunate for you and your husband. My prayers and thoughts are with you. Good luck!

Hi R....
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Are the visitations supervised or does the mother get to take the children with her? If it is supervised, I would suggest simply keeping a close eye on them. If not, see about getting another court date to request supervision for the childrens' safety. I don't believe that any judge will see this as an unreasonable request. I wish I could offer more advice, but I really don't what to say. How old are the kids? Depending on their age, they may also have a say in what happens. You should look into it. I have to tell you - my brother was molested at a young age, and though it was devastating to us all, he ended up a very happy young man. I know that this is no consolation, but hopefully it can help you to remember that there is always hope, and to just keep on keeping on.
Best of luck to you and your family.

What a blessing that the children have you and your husband to love and protect them!!

With you being the guardian, voice your concerns to the judge, and express how you are very concerned for their safety. INSIST ON supervised visits!!! At the very least, the visits should be anywhere BUT where the offense happened!

Good luck! You are doing a great job!

R.,
I am sorry that I don't have just the right advice however I just had to say "GOD BLESS YOU" for doing the right thing and caring for your grandkids. Just keep up the good work....Someday long from now your grandkids will thank you!!!! good luck

I suggest you start asking God for help in the situation because nothing is impossible for Him. This is a serious situation that needs the power of prayer. I will pray that God open the mother's eyes to the situation, for God's protection of the children as well as His hand in any court ordered visitation with their father. I also pray that God gives these children grace and favor to get them through the situation, in Jesus' mighty name, a name above all names.

R.,
I will keep you and your grandchildren in my thoughts and prayers.
Doesn't this have to be a supervised visit? Can't you try to make this a supervised visit?
These are the types of situations that make me physically sick inside!!!!
It seems all wrong, but I am not an expert with the law. I can only hope that, as their guardian, you know your limitations on protecting these children, and won't stop until it's done.
I will just keep praying for them the next 2 weekends, especially the young boy that his mother doesn't believe and probably is the youngster who started the whole court thing. I hope he'll be ok in her care.
Other than that, R., it's out of your hands, even though it's really sad to say. There might be nothing you can do but LOVE those kids and keep them trusting you. Keep a cool and loving heart with this situation, as I'm sure you will.
May God be with you and those kids....

Love,N.

Dear R.,

I sympathize with your situation deeply!! It's typical having the mother protect her son, Although I do not understand it at all under these circumstances. Maybe you can meet at a park or something so you can be around too. Taking them back to that house where the offense occured could harm that child, mentally. I don't understand the courts these days. I don't see how that is protecting the children. I would fight tooth and nail with the courts,especially since he's only incarcerated until July! She has a right to see her Grandchildren in all reality, but she should believe in them. She should be protecting them the way you are. I pray for you...Thank God those children have you!! You are a blessing in their lives...keep being strong and don't give up your fight!! You are all they have! (You and your husband.)God bless you! Always!

Find a local family support agency that has therapists and if the children are old enough, an after school program for your them. You, your grand children and thier parents will need all the help you can get. We have several such agencies here in Mendocino County which work with families just like yours. Don't delay. You might start at your local Mental Health dept. they should be able to give you some direction on where to go.

I hope this helps.

Jeffry

I just wanted to let you know I commend you all the way to take on all that extra responsability....I hope everything goes well for you and your family...I also hope everything works out for you and your grandkids....Just keep your head up and don't give up. Always fight for those kids. That is the advice I will give you....I show you all the respect in the world and I can truly hope there are more grandparents like you....God bless you and your family....

R.,

I am sorry for what your family has gone though. I truly believe NO ONE should have to go through that. On that note I believe you should do whatever is in your power to protect those kids. They need you and your husband and it sounds like you are one of the only safe things in their life right now. If their other grandmother can't respect that or acknowledge what her son did how can she ever protect them also. Don't get me wrong I think it would be horrible to find my son did something like that but I think it is unforgivable to not believe your grandson! Keep those kids safe and good luck. Just keep those kids safe!

oh my goodness you have your hands and heart very full, but good for you for protecting your grandchildren, and that should be your main focus. Can the visitation with the children's grma be supervised? maybe that is best for all involved, maybe try to go somewhere with the kids and the grma when they visit, like a park or amusement park. if not possible try petitioning the court with your concerns, but I also feel it is probably good for the kids to have a relationship with their grma as long as she is just giving them solid love
take care, you will be in my prayers

My heart goes out to you and your grandchildren.

Are you in a court system that offers guardianship mediation? This would be a safe and constructive way for you to express your concerns to your daughter(?)/the children's mom.

It is possible to ask in mediation or in an emergency hearing at probate court that a nuetral family friend be present to supervise the mom's visits to ensure the children's emotional comfort (they haven't seen their mom for over 8 months and need to readjust to her) and their physical/emotional safety.

I'm a family court mediator and have helped to sucessfully mediate similar issues with many families; I believe that you are doing the right thing in asking for help. I hope that you and your grandchildren find healing.

Hi R.,
Always, remember something you must do what is best for your grandchildren. So when you go to court make sure you have documents dates & times, just keep a diary on how offend the mother(is she your daughter) sees,phone's,cards etc regarding her kids. How stable is she. First of all the courts are looking out for the BEST interest of the children. But will almost 100% try to have the parents involved one way or another. She is the mother and always will be, but she has to prove that she is stable and able to take care of her kids.

How old are your grandchildren?
How did you get guarding-ship?
How long have you had your grandchildren?
Are the kids in daycare or school?
What county do you live in?

I am all for what is the best children....no manner what the parents have done, every parents need a chance (1) to prove them selfs and feel better about their mistakes in life. And there children MUST come first in life....
Y.

I am a single mother of 3 young adults now 28,27,24...my children were 10,8 & 5 when my husband and i divorce and he chose his career!!!
(DOCTOR) over his children. and i fought him in court for 14yrs. And did a very good job, very stressful but i did so i know how the court rules....Always for the Best interest in the kids. And unfortunately my children don't have a relationship with there father, which is really very sad because they feel that he abandon them. We have been in counseling for years..
But i have been blessed in so many ways.
I will pray for you and your family.

Are the visitations supervise?

Hi, Here is link to an article that you might find useful It also has links to other resources. http://www.grandparenting.org/Grandparents%20Raising%20Gr...

Did you try discussing your concerns with your lawyer. I presume you have one since you have legal guardianship. Why was full custody not granted to you if the children's father is incarcerated and the children's mother is abusive (?) If it was up to me, all these child molesters and sex offenders will be castrated. I can't imagine how a mother would be insane enough to believe her man than her own kids. You can replace a spouse but not your own kids!

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this incredible crisis. It is a blessing beyond measure that you are there to provide a safe place for your grandchildren. It sounds as though not only is the sex offender very sick, but the mother of these children is as well. Everyone involved needs some therapy, because this issue is bigger than anyone can be expected to handle by themselves. The Samaritan Center in Sacramento does this kind of work, and I believe they have a sliding scale for low income folks, if that is an issue for you. Good luck, you are in my prayers.

You absolutely must fight that this woman only be able to have supervised visits either with you or with an officer of the court. If your grandson tells you he even sees his father, you will need to fight so that his mother is no longer allowed to see her son other than at a court/child protective service facility. Be sure to talk to your grandson before he sees his mom about how important it is to be truthful with you about what he does and who sees when he is with him mother.

The fact that his mother does not believe him is a huge danger sign-you are right to be worried and you must be vigilant.

I apologize if this a frightening response but as a therapist, I have seen hundreds of cases like this and you are right on to be concerned about your grandson's safety.

Hi R. ,

Security and structure . Does "mom" have plans for your grandchildren ? There is power in having gaurdianship ,
don't feel like just because she is the biological grand parent she can do whatever she wants and not keep you informed .
Some ideas are help plan activities for their time together
that you feel would be safe and the children would not be put in a less akward uncomfortable place . Do they have a class like gymnastics or dance or play group that she could take them to to help fill up the time and put you at ease ? If the children are old enough you could ask them what they would like to do , go to the movies the library
feed ducks , anything that will take up the time and give the kids something to do and avoid long talks about "the situation" . your doing a good thing .

I am so sorry, I can't even imagine how difficult this is for you. I am hoping the visitation is at least supervised. It's amazing what our court system allows children to continue to deal with. Take care.

If the court granted visitation to the mother, there is nothing you can do. I dont know why the court would do that in this case, but still, no recourse. Just continue to be sure the kids know YOU Love them and would never hurt them and would do anything in your power to stop them from being hurt by anyone. This is all you can do, and it will be enough for them. Good luck.

R.,
What type of guardianship do you have? If with Court intervention, go back to your worker and/or court and speak to someone about your concerns. Does your grandson have a District Attorney that represented him? Call Social Services and speak to someone about your concerns. We have been foster parents for 20 years and found that you need to really dig your heels in and speak up!

Hi R.,

That is such a tough situation to be in. You must be so worried since the grandmother can't keep safety if she's in denial. I assume there is a social worker involved? If so, tell him/her your concerns and ask what safety measures are in place. If the other grandmother is getting visitation, she must have done some work to show social services or whoever that the children can be safe with her, i.e. no strangers can be left alone with the kids, etc. Also, I assume Victim Witness is involved if they aren't already. They can help with counseling and such.

As for the kids, you don't say how old they are, but in a way that's appropriate for their ages, make sure they understand that regardless of their grandmother's denial you are there for them and they can talk to you. Make sure they know you believe them, which will add to their feelings of safety. And when they return from their visits w/her, just gently check in with them. As much as you may want to, don't grill them for info or push too much. In a light-hearted way, ask general questions like "How was your visit? What did you do? Did you have fun? Did you feel safe there?" And for every positive, let them know you are glad.

I would be totally stressed too, but in such situations we have to surrender some control and trust that things will work out, while at the same time keeping an eye on your grandkids and making sure you and your home are safe for them.

Good luck. I'm sending up prayers for you all.

L.

No matter what happens you need to be that safe place to fall for those children!! Try not to bad mouth their other grandmother in front of them or they may decide it is happier for everyone if they do not talk to you. Have lots of open talks between you and the children about their visits. Ask open ended questions, like what did you do? Where did you go? Who was there? Stuff like that that allows them to lead the conversation. If they say something that is a little alarming to you, then ask them how that made them feel. And document everything!!! Every visit and everything the children talk about. Make sure they know that it is okay to tell you anything and to share their feelings, good or bad, and if they do not understand their feelings that you will help them understand them. And if they do not talk (older ones tend not to) then this should also be documented and extra hug time given.

Try to be positive and keep giving those kids lots of hugs!! They are going to be fine because they have you and your husband! I commend you for your love and willingness to step up! Keep it up!