May 01, 2008,
K.W. asks from Colorado Springs, CO on April 22, 2008
Just Found Out I'm Pregnant, Need Advice on How to Tell My Husband
Hi, I just found out that I am pregnant with our second child. I wanted another baby, but my husband has been saying to anyone we know that asks that he doesn't. He wanted another if we had one right away after the first, but I had a very difficult labor and wasn't ready to go through that again. In one conversation with a friend- who just asked when and if we were going to have more kids, my husband said no, and that he had actually thought about having a vasectomy, something he has never talked to me about. Needless to say I was floored that he would say this to someone without having even discussed this with me. This is not the only situation that he has done or said something without regard to me. We have been married for 5 years, but he obviously still has some intimacy and relationship issues. He is in the military and has already gone through 2 deployments since we have been married. This has not helped our situation. I am honestly worried about what his reaction will be when I tell him about this pregnancy. I don't think that he would hurt me physically, but I think that he might turn cold and verbally abusive. I think that this could be the last straw in our relationship though and might have to leave him if he does not have an ongoing positive reaction to the news. I don't want to raise our son and baby to be in a bad environment. Our son is 4 next month and thinks his father walks on water.
I basically just need some advice or suggestions to help me handle this. Please no judgements, I have enough self doubt and stress going on right now. Thanks in advance.
1 mom found this helpful
C. answers from Denver on April 22, 2008
If your marriage is already on teh rocks, maybe seeking counseling would be a agood thing. This would help also work our the stress of another baby. My thought is "it takes tow to tango", if he 100% did not want another baby maybe HE should have done something to be sure it would never happen. My husband and I have been in counseling and it has helped LOTS. My second pregnancy was awful, stressful and sad due to us having soooooooo many problems. Best wishes with what ever you do!
1 mom found this helpful
S.W. answers from Denver on April 22, 2008
You know, I always thought for a while after each child (I have 3) that I was done...no more. And then I always changed my mind (until now...I'm tired...I'm done). So my husband did get a vasectomy. It seems to me if your husband were concrete in his decision that he would have already had one. I often say extreme thoughts out loud, almost wishing I could talk myself into them, but that is not typically the case. I more do this in a way that is just venting things lying underneath the actual words. Not wanting another child really meant that I just felt like sleeping, for example. My husband has learned to take what I say as nothing more than words when I get in that mode.
Why are you worried that your husband will turn into a verbally abusive person when you tell him? Is he verbally abusive to you? If not, are you just fearful because of his response to the idea of another child (which is understandable...still, fear is just fear...it isn't neccessarily the truth).
My suggestion is you tell him in a nice way (definitely NOT through the grapevine). Maybe go out for a date night to let him know. His reaction (if he is a verbally abusive person) I imagine might be more subdued in a public setting. I, in the past, have wrapped a preganancy test in a gift with a new robe for my husband and a baby towel and washcloth for my husband and presented it on father's day. My husband has never had the dreamy, happy reaction I would love, but oh well.
Best wishes to you and congratulations...no matter what, I've learned that things in life may not go as I want or wish, but it seems that everything turns out okay anyway. (((hug)))
G.M. answers from Denver on April 22, 2008
Just tell him...you cannot control or predict another person's behavior....BUT have a plan. Put some money away if you need to "travel".....by all means protect your child...that is your first duty to protect your children..they did not ask to be put in the situation and you cannot expect them to deal with "adult problems."
K.H. answers from Colorado Springs on April 22, 2008
This suggestion might be persnarkety on my part but, I am tempted to say that in the same manner as your husband shares intimate things with others without regard to you that maybe you play that game with him as well. So, you might want to share the news that you are pregnant when you are in the midst of visiting with friends like he does. Maybe three hours later, when the friends have left, he will have his feelings sorted out and he will be able to respond happily. If he acts out in rage in front of others, then maybe you will also feel more safe with them around.
One other thought: I am raising four sons. I know parents are always worried about their daughters with regard to fertility issues and becoming pregnant BUT, what I tell my sons is "you can make a baby every single time you 'shoot.' If you don't want to make a baby, either keep your zipper up or take responsibility. A woman can only make a baby 48 hours in an entire month -- if she is lucky. Why should she change her entire cycle to prevent pregnancy every single day? Guys need to take responsibility for their actions and furthermore NOT be so damn surprised when he makes a woman/girlfriend pregnant. A guy should expect it and always be prepared financially and emotionally. A woman should be surprised. With a prepared mate, she will be happy. Happy is good for her pregnancy. That's the way it should be."
W.L. answers from Boise on April 23, 2008
I would say that first of all I wouldn't make any thing about this in to a game. I would have my child else where for the entire night if at all possible. Cook him a nice dinner, put the pregnancy test in a new bottle with a ribbon on it and have it ready. I would have a nice dinner with him and tell him that you have some news you would like to share with him. I would explain that the news is unexpected and you would like to talk about it. I would give him the bottle and let him make the first reaction. I would be willing to allow him time to take it all in for a bit before speaking. When he is calm and seems ready to talk about it I would explain that it isn't something that you planned and are aware that he may have reservations about it, but it is a reality and that you need to come together as a family and make the best of it. You never know he may think that he has too many problems for another child, (planned), right now. He could have hundreds of wonderful reasons why he didn't want more children but wanting them and having them are two different things. I would have a hard time believing that he would not love this child as much as your first child. Sometimes men need more time to work through their feelings to come up with how they really feel. Good luck!!!
J.S. answers from Colorado Springs on April 22, 2008
I have to start by saying congrats! No matter what happens a new life is developed which is a miricle all in itself. Now about the issue. I think that telling him in a public place with friends is a bad idea. You are already concerned about how he is going to react and I think it will make him more upset. I am not sure on how much time you all get to spend together, but maybe go for a walk in a park with your 4 year old. You should make him enjoy the first one and then let him know there is another on the way. I think this would be the best way to let him know. You guys can continue to walk around and talk about the situation instead of argue about it.
I also would recommend NOT making it a game. A childs life and a life changing event is not a way to get back at your partner. I think this would make him fume as well. I agree with another post saying that he may react positively. You never know.
You are right, your children deserve to have nothing but love in their lives. No matter what happens you will work it all out. If you ever need someone to talk to, then send a message to me and I will be glad to talk. You have to keep your head up and not worry right now with your pregnancy. The sooner the better with telling him. It will go one way or the other. A life should be charished no matter what the situation. Good Luck, and please tell us how it goes!
J.H. answers from Billings on April 22, 2008
What a hard situation. It may be that your husband thinks he does not want another child, but will feel differently when you tell him your news. I hope that is the case! But if he has considered a vasectomy, then you are probably right, and he isn't going to take the news well...
I think you should tell him when your son is not around--does he go to preschool, or could you send him to a friend's house? That way, if your husband gets upset, your son will not hear it. I am so sorry you are in this situation--a baby is such a wonderful thing, it should be a happy, exciting time for you and your husband. I hope he comes around!
D.K. answers from Denver on April 22, 2008
You may be surprised how he will react. He may be happy about it. Men are ones to say one thing but when the situation is different and real they may change their mind.
Just sit him down and tell him. If he isn't overly excited, don't react to his bad attitude, just be happy yourself. If something as wonderful as telling him he is going to be a dad again is going to push him to being verbally abusive, then it is best to get away from him anyway! There is no excuse for a wife to be scared to share such amazing news with her husband. If he didn't want anymore children, then he should have sat you down and discussed it and gotten a vasectomy. Not having more children has to be a mutual decision, not just his. Now there is a new life about to enter the world and he either can be supportive and enjoy it or I would give him his walking papers. The last thing you need is stress or upset during a pregnancy. You just need to do it, then from there decide what you want to do. Only you know that!! :)
Hugs and Congrats!
J. answers from Salt Lake City on April 22, 2008
I can relate to what you're saying, and I think many women could. Most women that I know want more children, and most of their husbands don't! Or at least they are reticent. Men are more fearful of commitment and intimacy than women, and they don't like attention taken away from them! I would try to tell him about it in a way that will make you both feel comfortable...maybe at a dinner in public where he will be less likely to make a scene, or even over the phone--even though that sounds impersonal, it might be the best way. Maybe you could enlist some of his friends or family to help pave the way? You may need to get some counseling (if he will go) to get through it. You will know over time if the relationship will survive or not...give it time, and give him some breathing room. He has his own fears to deal with, and men are generally not great at communicating emotions in a healthy way. Good luck--and above all, take care of yourself and those two little babies!!
J.C. answers from Colorado Springs on April 22, 2008
First of all congrats:) I think it's wonderful that you're pregnant regardless of how your husband feels. Doesn't he know what happens when you have sex unprotected? He can't be mad at you for anything. Regardless of how he might respond he deserves to know. I love the other woman's suggestion about letting it slip to friends. I would just tell him that you know how much he didn't want another baby but it happened and he needs to let you know what he wants to do about it. Does he want to try to make it a good experience or ruin what you have already created. If you're really worried about him turning "crazy" I'd definately do it somewhere semi-public. Maybe go out to dinner and let it slip that you guys are going to be parents again. It's his own fault for not taking matters into his own hands and protecting himself from an unwanted pregnancy. Who knows maybe he'll surprise you and be totally excited. You never know until you tell him. I hope things go the way you want. Just tell him how badly you know he didn't want this but that you didn't do this to yourself and that you'd appreciate it if he acted like it wasn't the worst thing in the world. Geez, men can be such butts:) Good luck!! And congrats again.
K.G. answers from Denver on April 22, 2008
Congrats on the new bundle of joy!! Maybe this may help, maybe not. All the men in my family are military men (The rough and tough to the core kind) and let me tell you they all have said at one point "Absolutly no kids, dirty diapers and all that" But when they actually had them they are now the biggest softies ever. You may be really surprised to see his reaction. A lot of times men are so strong willed because they don't know exactlly what they want. Your little guys is 4 now and our hubby may be thinking that by this time "why start over" but when it happens (as it has) he may be totally excited that it has.
I would suggest make dinner at home and then tell him your putting your 4 yr old to bed and go dress him in a " BIG BROTHER TO BE" shirt and bring him out to give dad kisses goodnight. Then it's a whole family affair and maybe then with your son right there (he may senor his first reaction if it were to be bad with your son there) OR he may be excited.
Either way if you stress then he may pick up on it and have a stressed reaction, if you're excited then it makes things less tense..... GOODLUCK.
A.F. answers from Salt Lake City on April 22, 2008
Woah, definitely do NOT do the same thing to him that bothers you so much. It may sound like a good idea at first, but nothing is more harmful to any relationship than games and one-ups on each other. If you truly want the relationship to work, you need to be the "adult" about the situation and handle it in the most responsible way possible. I agree with the first poster who says to just tell him but have a plan. I do not agree that a public setting for sharing such personal information is the right choice. Especially if he has been expressing his desire for no more children to the same groups. He will feel betrayed and disrespected if you do it that way. It doesn't matter that he's the one who did it first. If you're afraid of his reaction, you can definitely do it in a public place, but "privately" tell him in a public setting. Not so that everyone else can hear. Just so he can. The public place will force him to control his reaction. Like another poster also said, he may be more happy and excited about it than you would expect. If not, then you can deal with that when it comes.
On a funny side note: I had twin boys 22 months ago. Immediately after, I began telling everyone that we were definitely NOT having any more children at least for a while. When someone would jokingly ask me when we were having another baby, I would tell them to ask me again in a year. Well, after 5 months of insisting there wouldn't be another one anytime soon, bam! Another one was on the way. My twins and baby are only 13 1/2 months apart. When we told my mother-in-law, she actually laughed out loud! The point is, even when something happens that is unexpected, most people accept it and incorporate their new situation into their lives. I think God made a woman's gestation period an entire 9 months long to give us a chance to get used to the idea of creating another life and prepare for taking care of it. So.. On the bright side, your husband will have an entire 9 months to get used to the idea of having another child! Best of luck to you. I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
C.M. answers from Colorado Springs on April 22, 2008
Take him out for a date night and tell him at the end of evening. Make sure it is something that you both enjoy, such as dinner, movie, show, etc. If you are intimidated by his anticipated reaction, then double date with another couple. Then you may want to explore the option of having a doula at your next birth as a way to help make the experience more positive. I feel for you and you are right, your children should be brought up in nothing but an environment of LOVE.
A.S. answers from Missoula on April 25, 2008
Hi, I hope this helps. Your first baby being a difficult delivery may have scared him. He may think that you don't want any more. My advice is just be honest with him and he may be happier than you think. Just be honest about how you feel about it too.
my hubby and I blended a family of 6 and didn't want to try for a baby for at least a year from the time we got married. Suprise, we were due slightly more than a year of being married. This despite our birth control and our plan. Wanna hear God laugh, tell him your plans.....needless to say I was worried about telling my hubby. He was thrilled. I hope the same happens for you. We now have a beautiful baby boy who came even sooner than we thought. Good luck and I will pray for you.
M.S. answers from Salt Lake City on May 01, 2008
Make a cute scrapbook page or have your little boy help you draw a picture or look up some cute poems that you could give to him. Remeber that if he does get angry it took 2 to tango! So he can't be mad at you! Eventually he will be happy. Who couldn't think these babies are sent from heaven and fall in love immediatly. Hang in there and good luck.