Judgemental Friends and Parenting Books

Tee Hee! I so love talking about this very topic. I like to hearken to a true story about two moms that are friends of mine. They are both the poster-children of the "quintessential yuppy mom." They are read up on all the latest hype concerning diet, diapering, gear, and more. So much so, that if you DON'T do or have any of the items they deem necessary or "hip," you're going to hear about it, until you have or do it too.

All I can say is, I heard A LOT of criticism from these two once very reasonable and down-to-earth moms, who have now turned into the worst "mom-sters" ever.

I however, have always been one to let water roll off my back, and would shrug and just continue to do my own thing to their chagrin. On the otherhand, when the two of them would criticise each other, things got very "interesting." Soap-opera, reality show interesting. Their worst drama to date being the "Peg-Perego High Chair Incident."

It seems they both had one, but one had the cloth seat and the other a plastic seat that was "wipeable." Well cloth-mama informed plastic-mama that her seat "would be a piece of junk in no time, and quite frankly looked like one too, since it was the cheaper plastic, of course." In response, plastic-mama told cloth-mama that she was "a materialistic snob, and paid too much for a seat that is more trouble to care for because it would need to be machined washed."

It turned into Gozilla versus Mothra in 0 to 30 seconds. They didn't talk to each for a couple of months. But I certainly heard a lot from the both of them about the whole thing.

They have since made up, but have had nothing but a tit-for-tat about everything from why one of them is a jerk because she works and has a nanny, and the other doesn't work and has a nanny. Or that their kid is not going to get into a good school because he is not fluent in at least one other language than his own, or their child is going to have a break-down becuase he's involved in too many competitive sports that are keeping him from his studies...etc. etc. etc.

I stay far away as much as possible. I really do hate being on the recieving end of that type of judgmental stuff. I go through this with relatives too, but find these people easier to do deal with.

As for why I think people do it? I think really insecure moms do it reassure themselves that they're okay and how they're raising their children is okay, usually because someone *told them* their methods stink or are wrong, and now they need reassurance. Not to mention, I think women are competitive by nature. The best place to establish rank is to start with attacking something so fundamental, basic, important as mothering.

I think in the case of in-laws and relatives, it's a turf or dominance thing. Families have a pecking order, especially amongst the females. If you're the unlucky one who gets the bad mom label, you can be sure you'll be bottom of the heap until someone else is a new mom and you pass the buck (that is if you go there).

Hang in there. I say no one knows your kid or can understand your experiences better than you. If going by the book works for you and your family, then that's the way it should be for you.

I think people (moms) who are weak in their conviction will often get pulled in many directions and in no time find they and their household are terribly out of balance because they're listening to too much outside advice. IMO it seems it's the moms who rely on their own instincts (even if its instinct to go by the book) who have a better relationship with their kids and better run households, than those quick to follow the unsolicited advice of another, or those trying to keep up with the Jonses.

A happy and confident mom and wife, means a happy and confident family.

5 moms found this helpful

First of all, she's obviously very insecure about her own competence as a mother. Perhaps you should say to her the next time she says something, "Isn't it amazing that humanity has survived all this time without parenting books or age guidelines on neatly packaged items of food? Clearly every child isn't the same or they would all be Einstein or Rainman or Charles Manson, but most fall in between somewhere on the line.

With my first I had a pretty cool group of mothers to hang around at our neighborhood playgroup, but some were Nazis about breastfeeding and organic EVERY freaking thing. I would just always say, "Hmmmmm -I prefer to be more relaxed. It seems to make our household run more smoothly when I'm not a stress case over every little thing. I have survived and even thrived -and I was completely formula fed and never even heard of organics until I was in my 20s." Sometimes you just have to give a few pointed remarks and the comments die away quickly.

2 moms found this helpful

Oh just IGNORE her!
Some people are just overbearing. SHE is not the only parent in the world.
And you go according to your Pediatrician.

The book: "What to expect the first year" is a classic.
And the website: www.babycenter.com is really good.

good luck,
Susan

1 mom found this helpful

Mothering is instinctual - you know your child best and what is best for them. My daughter wasn't on solids until 8 mos... and she's fine... each child is different. I would recommend "Instinctual Parenting" - which is more of a light read humorous look at how obsessed we've become w/ doing the "right" thing. Follow your gut, love your child and they will be okay even if they eat sugar sometimes, you keep them up late, skip a nap, sleep with them, give them juice.... all really doesn't matter in the long run. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Some people always think their way is the best. My advice is to let her know that some of her comments and opinions offend you and/or hurt your feelings. She probably has no idea that you're offended and thinks she is giving you helpful advice. Maybe once you voice that she will back off. If not, take it with a grain of salt and ignore it, my mom is one of these people and I have to just bite my tongue a lot of the time, although she does have some good advice some of the time.

1 mom found this helpful

I swear after some people have kids they think it gives them the right to say and speak all that they know or think they know about children. I would politely tell her you don't appreciate her comments and if that doesn't stop her then maybe its time to cut your visits with her.
Just keep doing what your doing, you know whats best for your child.

1 mom found this helpful

Why do moms judge people? Mostly, because they like to hear themselves talk. Please keep in mind that there is a LOT of perceived competition with some women. And a LOT of exaggeration. If someone is making you feel bad, then stop talking to them. If it's a relative, tune them out.
As far as asking questions here, it's a public forum. When you ask a question, you are going to receive a lot of different advice from people of all walks of life. Some you can immediately disregard, some take with a grain of salt. You can always choose to not read something.
As far as books go, I worked at a bookstore for a loooooong time. I never found anything that was really worthwhile to purchase in a parenting book.

1 mom found this helpful

Sounds like your doing a great job momma!!! Please keep doing what your doing your way. Never mind that mom who judges you!! Find like minded moms to hang out with. Do not second guess yourself because of her. You have some great support here and I am sure some of the moms here will give you the names of some good books!

1 mom found this helpful

I can totally relate to you! I had a "friend" who just loved to judge my parenting. She thought I was too easy-going and didn't discipline my child enough. I disliked her parenting style also, but I always kept my mouth shut about it. She would make snide comments and I would try to ignore her. Needless to say, we are not friends any more. And that is just fine with me. My life is a lot less stressful now. I now surround myself with supportive and kind people.

I don't know why women feel the need to judge each others parenting. Its like some women think its a contest to see who has the best child and who is the best mother. I personally never try to judge anyone's parenting. As long as the child is healthy and happy, people can parent their children however they choose in my opinion.

You need to either speak up and tell these people to butt out, or you need to end the friendship. Because it WILL boil over at some point and you may lose your temper and say something you regret. That is what happened to me. I should have ended the friendship when the snide comments started, but I didn't. And it ended up boiling over and I said a lot of things to this person that I regret. I am glad that the "toxic" friendship is over, but I should have handled it differently. I don't want that to happen to you also. Nip it in the bud now, and you will be much happier for doing so.

And you sound like a great mama! Don't let anyone tell you that your not!

Being a first-time mom is tough. It's hard not to compare your child to others. My kids were both chunky - I was constantly worried that they were consuming too much milk/formula and both were always above the 90% on weight (thank goodness, they were matched on the chart on height). I'd ask the pediatrician at each visit, and he'd reassure me the kids were fine.

I'm not a "by the book" kind of mom. I prefer to use my instincts. To each his own. But, I needed the book for a few weeks after my son was born and learned what worked for us based upon my interaction with our pediatrician, family and friends.

My only caution with parenting books is that they're out of date as soon as they're printed.

The American Academy of Pediatrics is always updating their policies regarding everything from what your kids can eat (for instance, peanut butter doesn't need to be withheld until age 2 anymore), to how to discipline, to major/minor illnesses. They have a new parenting website that I love and often refer people on this site to: HealthyChildren.org
Because they update the site in accordance with their policies, it's always up to date.
I'm very cautious to refer to sites such as Dr. Sears, Dr. Greene, etc. because the sites are not only written by staff members, but the pediatricians, themselves, can't be practicing much and developing popular website content. Something has to give.

Trust your pediatrician's guidance - especially if they have kids similar in age to yours. We struck gold with ours. But, we don't follow his advice on everything and do a lot of research on our own. We don't agree with his approaches to discipline in all situations, so we do what feels best to us.

We're all opinionated, and it's hard to not compare/judge sometimes.
What your friend is doing is a little invasive and is very much the pot calling the kettle black.

Parenting is very much a learning experience, and our only goal is that we get it "right" more often than we get it "wrong".

Good luck.
Another DanaW

I like to think I'm always ready to listen to advice (especially if I ask for it), but I'm not always willing to take it.
Just tell the other lady 'Your opinion has been noted' and 'When I want your opinion, I'll ask for it'. If the lady persists, it's time to spend more time with other friends. It's hard not to get caught up in a one upmanship game, but babies are all different and there's no one right way to do things. Your way is just as right as the next persons.

Next time say I know I should be feeding her table food, but i dont want her to get hooked on the junk food (insert something here you know she feeds hers that is bad) like 'some' people's kids, that might shut her up. Also you are doing the right thing, most current research shows not to start them on solids until closer to six months. Starting them on foods too early can lead to food allergies, especially when you have food issues on both sides of the family. I have a ten month old and we just started her on real solids (cheerios and such) most of the food she eats is still pureed fruit and veg. I have found that when people are very bossy and judgmental like this its because they feel insecure/guilty about the choices they have made. I hae also found if I tell people I am following the advice of my doctor, they usually shut up

You need to follow your pediatrician's advice and not worry about this other mother. My children didn't have teeth until they were 1 so there was no way I could feed them table food. I did buy a baby food grinder and would give them what we ate except ground up but that was after checking with my Ped. You sound like you are doing a great job and I would either un-friend this person or just ignore their "advice".

I have learned SO MUCH about myself since becomming a parent (DS is now 2). I found that once I became a parent, my "friend pool" narrowed considerably. Reasons like you described about are exactly why.

There are certain types of parents that have a style similar to my own that I enjoy being around. There are others that I avoid like the plague. Esp when the kids are little and not in school, this is very easy for you to do.
If it were me, I would find myself less and less involved with these friends. They're toxic and don't make you feel good about yourself. And dealing with the stress of being a new mom is plenty without having that kind of drama to deal with on top it.

I would put her in her place. Then I would drop them.
Just my 2 cents.

She sounds horrible. I'm not sure if you meant parenting books in terms of "how to's" as I think you got recommendations for that but what I found helpful were books written by mothers about not taking it all so seriously. One good one was Confessions of a Slacker Mom. Kind of fun reading. So much pressure now to do everything "perfectly" and what is "perfect" anyway? Have to say it doesn't necessarily get better. Mothers brag all the time etc. Good luck but get rid of this friend or I'd tell her "enough".

D., why do you let this woman talk to you this way? Tell her no more advice next time she starts in. Tell her that friends don't tear down friends or try to "one-up" their own child over another's. If she keeps this up, please rethink being around her. You don't need this in your life. If you don't stand up for yourself now, what's going to happen when your children are old enough to play together, and your child takes a toy away from her child? She will go ballistic and tell you that it's your fault because your not a good mother. Nip her nastiness in the bud now.

You keep doing just what you are doing with your baby. You are doing just fine. There is nothing that you said that points to your baby being behind developmentally in any way. Her child isn't ahead - she has just foisted other choices on her baby that are pretty bad, to be honest. It doesn't make her baby "faster" developmentally.

Try "What to Expect - the Toddler Years". You can get it through amazon.com. (You may already have "What To Expect the First Year).

All my best,
D.

My daughter is now 6, so I have complete baby amnesia! I cannot remember at all what we were supposed to do.

Your "friend's" annoying behavior aside, I thought you weren't supposed to feed a baby table food until they had some teeth to chew. I don't think many 7 month olds do yet.

Do what you think is right for you child, let your friend do what she thinks is right. The next time your friend criticizes your parenting by telling you what she did, just say "Good for you!" in as sarcastic a tone as possible. If this doesn't help the situation, and it continues to irk you, don't get together with her anymore. Find moms you like more!

C.
www.littlebitquirky.blogspot.com
Vote for my blog!

You have some good responses on the crazy friend, so I won't address that!

My favorite parenting book is "The New Parenting Power!" by John Rosemond. He is so common-sense and his suggestions have helped us so much with our two girls.

Congrats on being so dedicated to feeding your baby healthy food, by the way! I think it is admirable to see moms educating their little ones on eating right.

People tend to defend themselves against their own uncertainties by latching onto an idea or a system, and proselytizing like crazy. This is true of parenting, education, politics, religion…. it's just what people do until they notice that the results may not be what they expected. But most people never get around to noticing that. It would be so inconvenient. And upsetting.

But we all "preach," to some extent. I catch myself doing it. BUT, because I know it happens, I pay close attention to what I believe, what the results are, what else might work as well or better. I read a variety of parenting books (and the other above topics, too), talk to people who have different understandings, look at the results in their lives and relationships. Fortunately I've been around long enough to make some pretty informed comparisons, and feel confident but not defensive about where my investigations have taken me.

BUT, you are asking what to do about people who do that to you. I just thank them. Period. They mean well, or think they do. Then I do what I am led to do by my heart, my gut, and my intellect. If that doesn't include their advice, fine.

You don't have to explain yourself to her or defend your parenting. She sounds like the more aggressive "preacher" in your relationship. You might mention to her that you don't expect to teach her your parenting style. She may get the message.

Stay strong! You know what is best for your baby... and every baby is different and unique.

I commend you for holding your tongue with your friend. I would do the same, try to change the subject, politely nod and smile. But, if she pushes it, I wouldn't hesitate to limit contact with her if possible.

I find myself 'by the book' as well. I read a lot of different books and find the style and advice that works for me.

I love the 'touchpoints' books by Brazelton and I also like the Baby 911.

Good job monitoring what your baby eats now... because when she gets to be older, you may lose some of that control! But, my baby girl is 5 now and she will eat her veggies... even brussel sprouts!

Good luck

If your "friends" are causing this much internal angst in you, why are you even bothering with them?
I also find it amusing that some of the other responses you received about "why are moms judgmental" include judgmental statements about others! Quite ironic, don't you think? (Even your post contained your judgmental thought on this other mom's parenting style!)
In general, people don't like qualities of others that are qualities they see in themselves. I'm not talking just parenting issues here. For example, if people eschew gossip, maybe it's because it's a quality they struggle with themselves. Interpersonal interaction is a true mirror to the soul!

My advice: Cut loose these friends that make you second guess your choices. You know your child best and you need to ignore the nasty comments as much as you can. Don't get sucked into the I'm-a-better-mommy-than-you-are game--it goes on for YEARS!!!

SO ANNOYING! I wonder what this friend would say given a dose of her own medicine? That wouldn't be right though would it? LOL I never knew everything that becoming a parent entails. I knew I would have to change diapers, get up at night with the baby & not be able to do as I'd please but I didn't realize the half of it!! I think it's best to keep a sense of humor and make "this too shall pass" my mantra.