I have just recently made contact with my biological father and two of my half-siblings and brother and a sister. This has been a big issue in my life, and not knowing them has caused me a lot of pain and confusion growing up. I met my brother, who is only three months older than I, in July. We hit it off right away. We talked a lot for a while, but not as much now because we are both full time students. My husband has had a hard time grasping how exciting and important this all is. I believe it has a lot to do with the fact that his family was never that close. I grew up with 4 other half-siblings. Since then I have moved away from them, but I still keep in very close contact with them. My husband seems to be jealous that I'm talking to my brother. It's almost as if he feels threatened. He will stand in the door way when my cell phone rings and it's my brother so that I can't answer it. He saw an email that I had written to him that I had signed with an I love you. And now all he can say is, " are you emailing your boyfriend again?" I tell all my siblings I love them EVERY TIME I talk to them. I think it's important to do that in a family. I tell my husband I love him on the phone, and my son I love him every night when I put him to bed. I feel like he is belittling the relationships I have with my family. I've told him how important this is to me, and how it makes me feel when he says things like that. But nothing has changed. I feel like he's jealous, in fact he has told me he's jealous. I even cut down how much I was talking to my brother, so that my hubby didn't feel like he was taking the back seat, but it seems to have gone unnoticed. I know this isn't a common situation, but any advice you guys have as to how to deal with this would be immensely helpful.
I am like you when it comes to family in that we are very close. But I can't grasp why he would be so jealous over family. If I were you, I would NOT slow down the calls. What harm is a call? If you want to see him everyday, there should be no problem. I would have to stand up to him and tell him it is his problem to get over that you are doing nothing wrong!
Hi D. -
Try to get your husband involved into the conversations with your step-brother. He probably feels left out and a little insecure for the lack of attention while you are on the phone with you brother. It probably sounds childish but sometime us adults have a hard time sharing our relationships with others we don't really know, mostly if you show that you are having a good time while you're on the phone with your brother or if you talk about him more that you would talk about your husband to your husband. get me?
Be patience. Feed your husband little dosis of information about your brother just here and there. I can understand how excited you are with this new sibling in your life, but this is happening to you and not your husband, so it is hard to understand for him.
Make sure you are not taking any time that you could be spending with your husband/family to call your brother, assure him (husband) that nothing has changed and that he and family continues to be your number one priority. When you decide to call your brother make your husband becomes part or the conversation (i.e. speaker phone) and let them get to know a little better.
Good luck to you!
S.
i know its been a while since you posted this. I wondered if anything had changed. I'm sure the new brother felt like a boyfriend to your husband but that's no excuse for jealousy. Has he met him and developed any kind of relationship? If not, that may be part of the problem. It doesn't feel like a brother to him - but a new man in your life. My ex was very jealous of other men - for no reaon other than his insecurity, but it made my life very stressful. Thats not why we divorced, but it was a factor early on. I'm hoping you got some counseling or something. I'm interested..... Jule
All I can say is "Wow"! You have got an uphill battle to climb with this one. He obviously has some insecurity issues for some reason. To think your family members are even in the same category that he is. I wish I could offer some advice, but I don't think I would be qualified to do so. I am also sure your husband would be offended if anyone asked him to see a counselor, it sounds like he may need one to get past his issues.
I can relate to your story in that I don't know my real father or whether or not I have other siblings out there.
D.,
The only thing I would suggest is to maybe get your husband more involved in your family relationships (i.e. all three of you go out to eat or do some type of family event). Maybe if your husband get to know your brother a little better, maybe he won't feel so insecure. If not, I don't know what else to tell you because I have never heard of something so ridiculous!
Good Luck!!
D. -
You seem to have several issues going on here. The first is your age; you're quite young. The second issue is control. I was alarmed that your husband physically "blocks the doorway so [you] can't answer the cell phone when [your] half-brother calls." That's a serious issue that needs to be addressed; you are his wife, not his child. The third, & most obvious, issue is your husband's jealousy over your new relationship. I'd suggest first reassuring your husband that your brother is *not* taking his place, that he is *family* and that you have *more* than enough love to go around. (Just like you love your son & other siblings, but in a different form of love than for your husband.) Also, as others have suggested, get your husband involved in this new relationship - be it phone calls, dinners out, sports, whatever. And, make sure that you aren't taking away time one-on-one w/your husband to spend talking w/your brother, so that your husband doesn't feel neglected. I can relate. At age 21, I married a man I'd been w/since age 14. We were YOUNG & had to learn to be "grown ups" together. I grew up w/three half-brothers & at age 17 met my half-sister. It was hard for *everyone* - my husband(then boyfriend), my brothers - to understand why I wanted to spend time w/this "stranger." But - once I made it clear that *family* was *important* to me, they all learned to back off. And, it was worth it! My sister was in my wedding, my daughter (her niece!) will be the flower girl when she marries next Spring. Good luck. Keep communication open. And - do *not* try to "hide" your relationship w/your brother. Let us know how this unfolds!
Get some counseling quick. Find a therapist that will see you both in marriage counseling right away before this gets out of hand. Your husband should not be feeling jealous about this situation. He must be insecure and you have to get a handle on this now. Good luck
I think that your husband is being very unfare. Family is a wonderful thing, we all need it no matter how much we think we dont at times. There seems to be an underlining reason of his jelousy and insecurity to your relationship with your brother. Making jokes that he is your boyfriend is just very juvenile. I was kinf of confused, is this your half brother...That is a really tuff situation..i wish i could give you more advise, but really you just have to tell your husband kindly that he is acting rediculous about the situation, and him not supporting the fact that you have a family your close to is going to make your immediate family [him you and yoru child] have un needed problems. good luck keep us posted
Hi D.. I cannot really relate to your story. But I can tell you what I think. No matter what, family comes first. I at one time put a boyfriend first and realized in the end I almost lost both. I believe that if someone loves you, they will celebrate all your dreams and accomplishmnents with you. You shouldn't have to pick between your husband or family. As for what I would do...I honestly can't say. But keep in mind, if he can't get past all of this, then he may not be the one for you. Blood is thicker than water. Good luck.
That is so ridiculous! I would ask him what is his reasoning behind being jealous over your brother? That is two totally different kinds of relationships. You have an intimate relationship with your husband and a family sibling bond with your brother. He has some serious jealousy issues for some reason and if he is that bad over a brother it could only get worse. That is very obsessive behavior he is showing by reading emails, listening to phone conversations, etc. And I would agree with one of the other ladies, 20 is young for a "boy" to be married, they are not mature enough. Good luck with that, hope things work out, but I would not let that go on for much longer if I were you.
Don't put up with it if your husband should be secure engough to know his place in your life. A brother is just that . It is not like this was a long lost ex-boyfriend. Try to reassure him of your love and that this is a blood relative.and there is plenty of you to go around don't miss out on having a BROTHER... They can be GREAT to have in your life.. a fiend in JASPER
I feel like the other mothers. He's not being very nice. Take it from somebody who knows. I have lost all of my family members that were close to me and I wouldn't take back any of the time that I got to spend with them. You only have a short time here on earth with your loved ones and you should cherish every second. when I losted my mother when I was 18 I was broke but at least I had 18 years. I would tell him to get over it and tell him that they could be his family too it he would let them. If you don't you will resent him after a while.
I read everything and I was hoping somebody else said it so I wouldn't have to be the one to ruffle feathers....but....the first thing that came to my mind was has cheating ever been an issue? Most men act that way when they (the man) are doing something they shouldn't be doing and they see how easy it is to get away with it...so whenever the woman does anything that is not her usual routine he get suspicious. Sorry gurl but I had to through that out there.
If you want the relationship I am with the other women, go to counseling (sp) but remember a man at his age has a large ego and are not so easy to break down.
Oh yea! I can relate. I was 18 and my husband was 17 when we were married. He was very jealous of my family. It is a somewhat complex situation. You are already describing the delicate balancing act that you must perform to keep your husband happy and still have some time talking to your brother. You should ask him to tell you why he is so upset about you talking to your brother? Maybe it is just a matter of giving him some reassurance. Just let your husband know that you love him and your son dearly, and would never do anything to hurt either of them. Tell your husband that if your happiness is important to him, then he should be supportive when he realizes that talking to your brother makes you happy. Hopefully this issue can be resolved now with open communication, or maybe even counseling, before it escalates into more serious issues. We need to be able to hold onto any happiness we can, since we live in such an unstable society, right?
You're right exactly he is jealous. One thing I learned about men a few years ago is that has helped emmensly is that they are allot more simple than woman. He is jealous and feeling left out. Here is what I think could be causing the jealousy.. You have found your brother and he is absolutely wonderful, he has yet to disapoint you, the two of you hit it off.. That is hard for your hubby to compete with. I know that it shouldn't be a competition, but that's how men work. This may seem completely absurd to you but it really isn't all that uncommon.(the way your husband is dealing with it may be a little different) It is the same as a wife being jealous of her mother in law. Many women's worst nightmare is being married to a mama's boy. It doesn't have anything to do with sexuality, it is more about your husband not feeling needed or feeling left out. Just like a woman feels when she cannot compete with her mother in law because her husband puts her on a pedestal. The best way to alleviate some of his jealous behavior is to include him more in you and your brothers relationship. When your brother calls hand the phone to your husband so that he can say hello. If your brother and husband both like football, pool, nascar, anything to get them together for some male bonding. I wouldn't slow down communication with your brother and the worst thing you can do is to try to hide communication with your brother to keep your husband from feeling bad, that just makes him feel more left out. Talk to your husband and let him know that he now has a new brother in law and that he should try and make him feel like part of the family. That will give your husband a role in this new found family and also put some of the responsibility on your husband in developing a new relationship with your brother. I read that to have a productive conversation with a man the best way is to incorporate an activity into the conversation. Approach and talk to him while the two of you are raking the yard or maybe going for a walk. It is easier for men to open up in these situations. I hope some of this helps, GOOD LUCK!!
