October 24, 2008,
C.K. asks from York, PA on October 23, 2008
Ok, I am a working mom (not by choice) and my two children have been baby sat by the grandparents. My oldest was two in Sept. and my youngest just turned 5 mths. We know that my 2 year old is getting antsy and needs to be out of the house with other kids. My husband and I decided to put her in a part time day care until we can get her in pre-school. We have her on the waitlist for 3 of them. THis way she can be more socialized and get out of the house two days a week. We both go in different directions for work and my husband has a great day care across the street from where he works. He can look out the window and see it. The day care I looked at is not as close to my work and would make me have to take a different route to work.
I guess I am a little jealous that he will be taking her and picking her up, I feel like that is what I am supposed to do as the mother. I know this is so insane but I can't stop being jealous. My husband wants to be a part of there lives and I do get to take them to alot of fun places because he does work on Saturdays. I just feel like I will be missing out on something. I already feel that way because of working full time.
Just need someone to snap me out of it!
So What Happened?™
Thank you to everyone that responded!! I feel so much better just hearing your ideas and if you had the same feelings. I don't want to be jealous but sometime it is hard...I actually joined a gym so I can use that time to work out. I do need some "me" time and like some of you said this is the time to do it!
S.V. answers from Philadelphia on October 24, 2008
I also have two great kids that I love so much, and am also a full time working mom. My kids are now 16 and 14, and I have had the same feelings as you. My husband switched to night work when my daughter (2nd child) was about two. So he was the one who got to spend the days with the kids, take them to school, spend summer days with them, etc. etc. etc. In my mind, all of the good stuff. It took me some time, but I realized that I had no choice but to work so make every moment with my kids count. I keep a picture of my kids on my desk to remind myself that they are the reason I am at work -- to make their lives better.
I've also realized that kids having a good relationship with their father is invaluable. And that I have not missed out as I thought, but have gained in so many other ways. As moms, we will always have the relationship with our kids -- you need to continue to work on it, and always keep the communication going.
It doesn't have to be a bad thing to work full time, or for the kids to have a close relationship with their father. It's all in how you handle it.
Good luck to you.
1 mom found this helpful
L.N. answers from Pittsburgh on October 24, 2008
Believe me, this is not the last time you will feel guilty. It's a thing every mother goes thru. I have 4 kids, ages 18,13, 5, and 1. I have felt guilty with each of them for various reasons. Some are true reasons, like going out for a much needed girls night once in a blue moon and my daughter crying because she wants to go, or other things that I hold on to way longer than kids do. There was a year, I was pregnant with my last child and my hubby took my second child to almost all of his soccer games, mainly because I felt horrible, but ya know what, they don't hold on to those thoughts as much as mother's do. We seem to remember every thing we feel we didn't do right by them. You have to do what is best for your family, and things will fall into place.
1 mom found this helpful
R.B. answers from Pittsburgh on October 24, 2008
I am a naturally jealous person too, so I can sympathize with you in feeling this way, but girl, count your lucky stars your husband helps you!!! I'm not going to bore you with my woes, but try to relax a little, and be thankful for the help! And to make up for how you are feeling, maybe take some time in the morning and have extra mommy-daughter time. Good luck!!
T.S. answers from Philadelphia on October 24, 2008
I can understand that you are feeling badly, but perhaps try to take a different spin on this. How wonderful that your husband is eager to take on this responsibility...and it is a big responsibility. You will have more flexibility than he will...he will need to be out of the door (home in the AM, work in the PM) at a certain time. Also, not to sound sexist here, but I'm guessing that you have/take on many more responsibilities re the kids and the home than he does? (If I'm wrong, lucky you!) I would be thrilled to be able to "share the wealth" this way! Having the pick up and delibvery responsibility is HUGE!
Having your husband do this also a wonderful bonding experience for your child and her dad! No doubt she already spends a lot of quality time with YOU!
Good luck with it all! I know it's not easy!
A.J. answers from Williamsport on October 24, 2008
Bless you for wanting all the time you can get with your kids, and hopefully you'll be able to arrange that somehow in the future. As for the daycare drop off/pick up. It won't seem so bad once it's really happening. You should definitely invent another nice regular "together" activity for yourself and the kids to make up for it and console yourself-and they'll like it too. Try to feel glad that the daycare drop off will be "their thing", dad's usually don't get many of those. When my husband isn't traveling, he takes my daughter out for errands, recycling, shopping and a donut on Wednesdays. I've never gone along, and it's the highlight of their week. I always feel a little jealous, but my daughter feels really special with her dad and tells me all about everything when she gets home. One week, she even specified, "No, Mom, you stay here." When I went to the door to say good bye. :( It's heartbreaking (in a nice way), but you'll be fine! Best of luck!
T.M. answers from Philadelphia on October 23, 2008
i am sure you can sneak out here and there and pick up or go late and drop off..you will make it work..think of the main objective in sending her and youll get over it..be thankful you have a great husband...find your little thing to do with the kids....
A.L. answers from Allentown on October 24, 2008
I too am a full time working mom. I have been in babysitting crisis where I had to get my kids to two different places. I too always thought it was my job. I then started to have anxiety issues after being sick and out of commission for a month. I now love that my husband is not like some and willing to share in the responsibilities that go with having a 2 income household. Instead of one of us being jealous of the other, we work together so that we know our kids are where they need to be and we get to work. (and most importantly safe.) I also know a lot of women who work whose husbands do not want anything to do with that. We should consider ourselves lucky to have such wonderful husbands!
E.F. answers from Pittsburgh on October 24, 2008
Cnn had a great article about this recently...
You're not alone. I am working only part-time (definitely by choice), and parent most of the time of the time (my husband only sees him a hour in the evenings during the week) and it does make me mad when my husband is better at something than than I am. :-)
P.F. answers from Philadelphia on October 24, 2008
I was a SAHM with both of my children until they were about 2 1/2 years old, working part time only. Once they were "old enough" in our eyes, they went to learning centers. Trust me, we were broke beyond all reason during those days but, worth it. I did most of the picking up dropping off, but I just found out the my husband was the one who felt cheated. He felt that he missed out on something. I left my corporate position to come home and raise a child, I took on crappy part time jobs and then returned to the grind full time, clawing my way back up. I did this twice (my son and daughter are 6 years apart)before I made a career change where now everything works in terms of time with the family. At first I thought that being home would be eaiser! Ha! But I have learned that you have good days and bad, working is a sacrifice, but so is staying home, make no mistake. Since you have Saturdays to yourself I would give your husband the two days for his "alone time" in the car bonding, you have a whole day by yourself with the kids, he has drop off and pick up. You are still mommy, always will be, you'll be ok. You are making their lifes better by providing love and money to your family. Maybe on your husbands daycare days you can make a special dinner or do the baths that night etc. But do not cheat your husband out of "his time" with the kids. Again, you will be fine, you're doing great.
K.K. answers from Erie on October 23, 2008
Just wondering if it would make you feel any better to meet the teachers and tour the building -if you haven't. and ask them ways for you to be involved. some places have the parents take off work to come to the school parties or to make gingerbread houses on a certain day.
See if they send a note home hightlighting your childs day with them, some places even have webcams so you can peek on your kids while you are at work.
Another thing to help you keep connected with what your kids are doign at school is to know the right questions to ask. I know that every day my son hears a story, does an art project and has snack, so i ask him if he painted today, or what was for snack or who he sat next to for story time. That gets the converstation started and usually they spill a whole lot more. although she is young though.
like the other poster asked, does she need to go to day care, can't grandma just do playdough or bake cookies or take her to the zoo or something?
I know you were more concerned about being the one to drop off and pick up, so maybe these ideas won't really help. But you just gotta do the best thing for your family.
A.M. answers from Scranton on October 24, 2008
I have to be honest with you: My husband takes our kids (I have a 4 year old and a 6 month old) to preschool/daycare...and I LOVE it. It's a LOT of work to get them off every morning (the older one is so SLOW in the mornings), getting them up, fed, dressed, hair and teeth brushed...all that. It's pretty much on him-some mornings if one or both kids happens to be awake when I am getting ready for work, I help get them ready. But for the most part, I get up and get ready and go to work and he is on his own. I am not rushed or stressed to get to work on time...and that is nice. We chose that place because at the time when our older child started, it was close to where he was working...5 minutes up the road. If she ever got sick, they could call him and he could be there right away-I was 30 minutes in the other direction. He could get to her and take her right to the ped.'s office if need be. He was also able to visit her on his lunch breaks when she was younger (he stopped when she got into the separation anxiety phase). It was good for him because he worked Saturdays at the time. I would (and still do now) pick her (and now her little sister) up, though. My day finishes a good 2.5 hours before his (and starts earlier, too), so instead of leaving the kids there until he could get to them-I pick them up myself...it is out of my way...but it makes me feel good to be the one to get them. Could you do something like that? Let him do the drop-off and you do the pick up? I am very lucky in that my work day ends early enough for me to do that.
You have to go wtih whichever place sits best with you...being a FT working mom is just so hard. I KNOW.
B.K. answers from Pittsburgh on October 24, 2008
Hi C.! I know what you are feeling. When my girls were little I worked 50+ hours a week because I had to. I worked nights and weekends as much as I could because I didn't want my babysitter to "raise" my girls. When they were really little on my nights off I HAD to leave the house so that my hubby could put them to bed because they wouldn't go to bed if I was home! Talk about jealous! I couldn't read them their bedtime story, tuck them in, give them their bath because they would be sooo excited that I was home they'd never go to sleep. I don't know how many times I would sit in my car in the driveway crying over it! What kind of Mother was I? So I wasted a few weeks feeling jealous, hurt and misserable every night. Then I decided that I wasn't going to waste those few precious moments & all that energy. My girls are now 16, 14 & 11, we have been married 18 years, and they have a great realationship with their dad! He has coached every sport they have been in, he has volunteered with girl scouts, and the marching band, he as gone to every dance recital,football game, band competition, orchestra concert, and awards ceremony. They can talk to him and they want to be with him as much as they want to be with me. It is very important to let your children develop a great relationship with Daddy...and giving them "alone" time, even if it's in the car to and from daycare a couple of times a week or even every day. Also the added benefit of the daycare being right where he can be there in a moment if there is a problem is amazing! Let go of that "green-eyed monster"! Thank your lucky stars that you have such a great opportunity to start a realtionship between your hubby and daughter that will last a lifetime and will help you though any rough patches (like the teen years!) that you may encounter along the way. Keep reminding yourself that they set the standard for any man they may love based on their relaionship with their father. That to me is way more important than my feelings! I know it's hard!! But what your giving up is nothing compared to what your giving by letting go and letting Dad step-up! Best wishes!!
L.B. answers from Philadelphia on October 23, 2008
Your guilt about working and not being with the kids is what is driving this jealousy, it will pass in time. Just know how lucky you are that your husband is willing and able to help out with the shuttling. If I wanted my EX to take my daughter to school (ON HIS WAY TO WORK), I would have to get out of bed early and get all ready and leave. I think part time daycare is a great idea for your daughter and she will be so excited to tell you about her day when she comes home to you.
The best moms are those that get some time to regroup and spend alittle time alone without the children so take advantage of this opportunity and enjoy yourself for a few minutes on your ride home! In a few short years you will beg for this time alone.
I wish you luck.
B.P. answers from Pittsburgh on October 24, 2008
Don't feel bad...give yourself a break. It sounds to me like you are feeling guilty about working. I go through this a few times a week and it never seems to get any easier!
We had my son in daycare when he was little for about 1 year. My husband would drop him off, and I would pick him up. My husband couldn't stand the drop off...my son would be so upset and wouldn't want him to leave and my husband would then be upset. I never wanted to do the drop off!
My husband is very active in my son's life. He even went to a "mommy and me" class. My husband has a business which gives him more flexibility than me. I am a teacher. But, it sometimes makes me jealous that he gets to spend time with him when I feel like I should be there. That mommy and me class just about drove me mad, but he and my husband are so close now, and I am happy about that!
You just have to remind yourself that everything you do is for your children and family. It is fine that you are a working mom. Your children will be proud of such a hardworking mom...you'll see.
Hang in there. Make every moment count...and when you get home to see your kids...isn't the greeting the best thing ever after a long day at work!??
D.P. answers from Pittsburgh on October 23, 2008
I think I understand what you are feeling. When I had my son I worked full time and I had so much guilt and sadness abut missing out on being with my son. I, too, ws lucky, in that my parents watched him and although there was no one better to care for him, I still felt left out. Ultimately, I switched to PT to feel more balance in my life. I still work PT and it works out great for me.
As for the daycare, are you sure that, at 2, she needs to do this? Maybe you are considering Nursery school for her at 3 and it might be OK to wait another year.
As for "who does the dropping off and picking up", I think you should look at both places and pick the best one and whoever is closest should do the shuttling. There's going to be SO much stuff coming up over the next few years for you to get involved with, believe me!
AND--you are, after all, the MOM! We all know that the mom is the most important person in the family--no matter who drops the kiddos at daycare! :-)
Good luck to you!
B.W. answers from Erie on October 24, 2008
I think you'll outgrow this as the reality of sending them to daycare wears off. I remember sometimes feeling kind of "miffed" when my kids chose Daddy over me -- which is really funny, cuz at other times I WISHED they'd go to him and not me !!
Our 15 yr old and 13 yr old went to daycare and came home with Daddy, more because of scheduling than distance. He LOVED it. His favorite time of the day was picking them up, having the older one yell, "DADEEEEEE!" and run into his arms. I missed a whole lot of that, but when I came home, supper was cooking, the kids were busy playing, and I just joined in and helped.
Don't worry about down the road, though. There are still some very definite differences between Mommy and Daddy. Dave and I share parental chores, and he's a wonderful Dad, and one day I tucked the kids in (more saying good night, pryaing with them and having time for some private one-on-one--we take turns), and I shared something our older daughter was struggling with. He sounded kind of jealous, "She didn't tell me that." Nope. It's a mom thing. I get the stories, I get the insecurities, I get to hear lots of things that don't get shared with Dad. You'll definately have your special stuff, even if he takes the kids back and forth.
After it gets going, you may find that you enjoy the freedom of not having to race to daycare, get them settled, extricate yourself and then get to work ontime. It can be very frustrating and stressful.
You're already doing the first step to getting over it. You're admitting you feel jealous. Be sure to let your husband know that you're a little jealous of him having what you would have considered a "mommy" chore. Make the decisions, however, on what is the best fit for your children, not their Mommy. :-) and it'll be okay. You'll grow through this, and the kids will grow and having your husband intimately involved in the day care issues and the child care is absolutely wonderful. There are lots of women out there, I'm sure, who would be jealous of YOU, because he is such a devoted dad. Lots of men earn the $$ and leave the rest fo Mom. Make sure you sit down and count your blessings ! That'll help to wipe some of the "yucks" away, and then just live through this funny feeling stuff. It'll go away as life settles down into "normal" again. :-)