Issues with Teenage Children

Hi, I'm not there yet with my own kids, but I remember when my brother came home on leave from the Navy the first time and it was difficult. He felt like he was an adult, my parents felt like he was still a kid...it wasn't fun until they sat down and worked out new rules of the house that everyone could live with. Everyone had to learn a new level of respect and a new way to be with one another. The next visit was much better! Hang in there!

As I sit here, I'm listening to my son and his girlfriend in my kitchen joking and making hot pockets. He's home this weekend from his college, 2 hours away. He came home so that he could get to an interview for a summer job as a camp counselor. He'll be 20 in two months, and this will be his 6th summer working and living at a camp. So we've had a lot of experience living away from each other for long stretches of time.

I think the adjustment is rough because we think of our kids as the young, inexperienced people that we send off to school for the first time. But in just a few weeks away from home, they can grow quite a bit. We really have to be respectful of that. We also have to be respectful of the fact that we're really close to the final launching at this stage, when they will be on their own for good. Now is the time to treat them like the young adults that they are. I have not imposed any curfew on my son since he was 18, but he was always expected to give me a rough estimate of his return time. He knows that I will worry if he does not show up, so he's been very considerate of that, let's us know where he'll be, etc.

We had a very long conversation with him just before his 18th birthday. We told him that all rules were lifted. He was on his own. But, with all that freedom came a great deal of responsibility. And he knew full well that at that point, living with us became a privilege. We love him, we're here to help if he needs us, but he is not entitled to anything that is ours. Sounds a little rough when it's laid out in writing, but it's the truth. My goal from the second he was born was to get him out of my house. :) That is, I kept my eye on the long-term goal of raising a responsible adult. I'll pat myself on the back and say that it appears that so far, my husband and I have done just that. Because our son is respectful and considerate, he is welcome to return home at any time. He has the use of a rather old, but reliable car that we own, we pay his tuition, and help with occasional other expenses. If, however, he were a completely irresponsible washout, drinking all the time, not attending to his responsibilities, disrespectful... and I'm not talking about occasional issues, but real, chronic no-forward-progress type behavior... then he would get nothing from us.

So, the only advice that I can give is to say that you have a young adult living with you now. Have some serious conversations, just the way you would with any other adult roommate. You, as the landlord, set rules, but be mindful that you are setting house rules for an adult, not a high school kid. Let loose the reigns a bit. You'll probably worry a lot. We all do! But the transition will pass.

i'm going to write this from the perspective of the returning student, not the parent. it's only been a handful of years since i was in your son's shoes, so hopefully this can give you some different, and helpful, insight.

when you send someone away to college at 17, 18, or 19, you are telling them without words that you trust them, you want them to learn and to succeed. that means both inside and outside of the classroom. the first semester is such a learning experience...away from friends and family, meeting people you have a totally different background from, and living with someone 24/7 who is not a relative. major, major adjustment for anyone. during those 15 weeks, a person learns a lot about themselves, and what they learned from their family. they learn the consequences of not studying and doing their work, and what happens when they spend hours playing playstation or partying during the week. in return, they realize why their parents made them do certain things (like eat right, finish your homework before you go and play, etc...) and they come to respect that.

returning home is hard, because since august (or september) they've been the responsible ones...doing their laundry, finding their own food, getting themselves up in the morning for class and making sure they got a respectable amount of sleep so they could function. now, someone is trying to tell them, "great, glad your doing well! remember, you have to be home by 11, i expect you to be up before 10, and you're responsible for cleaning the kitchen/shoveling the snow/insert task here the whole time you are home!". that's a tough pill to swallow.

once your son has been gone for a few weeks, take some time to think about what happened. list your previous expectations, then list the way things really went. then, make a list of absolutes that cannot be bargained (overnight guests staying in the same room, out past 2AM, not doing own laundry, whatever). then, ask your son to do the same. after you both have this, compare notes. maybe he didn't realize that you had hoped he'd take over doing the laundry, and would be more than happy to do it the next time. the point is to create a dialogue, and truly remember that he is an adult.

whatever you come up with now will have to evolve over the next 4 years or so. summers are differnt than the fall/spring semester split...they are longer in time, a whole year has passed, and most likely your son will be working in the summers, even if he doesn't during the holiday break.

respect his wishes, and he'll respect yours. my mom gave me a lot of latitude, starting with my senior year in high school. i always respected what she allowed me to do, and i followed her other rules. in return, she gave me more freedom and asked for help with house stuff, instead of demanding or expecting the help.

good luck, and remember that as your son grows up he'll change, and eventually he'll be even more helpful than you thought he would ever be!

I agree, treat him like an adult b/c he is. For the time he was away, he made all his own choices. He didn't ask your permission or have any of your rules to follow. And while he's been gone, you've had none of his laundry to do, messes to clean up, or meals to cook. You both got use to things a certain way. Now he's back & he expects you to still do all the old stuff & so do you. Even though this is your "child", he is now more like a house guest. And any house guest can out stay his welcome if he stays too long. LOL So, you are going to have to have a talk. And not just one where you tell him the rules. Try brain storming, asking why everyone felt the visit went badly & how each would like things to run on visits. That way he won't resort back to a teenager, but w/out rules & you won't be nagging an adult. Remember, this was only the 1st visit, I'm sure it will get easier. Lastly, at college 18 year olds drink & go to clubs. I know its illegal, but its a normalcy there. It should be discussed. I always knew I wasn't allowed to smoke in front of my parents b/c they thought it was disrespectful, even though I was old enough. Main rules when I was home, no overnight guests & to tell them about when I thought I'd be home (even if in the am). Also, either where I was going or who w/ so they new what to do in an emergency. They made sure they told me that was the reason, so I didn't think they were checking up on me. That also, no lectures or guilt from them.

Of course, I'm sure most family's have issues. My youngest sister lives with me & my family, and has lived with us for the past 4 years. She started college this past fall. When she came home, she was use to doing what she wanted to do. When she wanted to do it, and with out asking. We had to sit down and go over the rules of my home again. And I had to be more flexible on some of my rules, she is a responsible teenager/young adult. She knows the consequences, and that is her choice. And for that I t has made her think about her actions, and the consequences they will have.

Life is like a jar of Jalapeños, what you do today may burn like heck tomorrow.

Without details, it's hard to understand where the trouble is..just remember, your child is having a lot of new insecurities and adjustments to make and well as new freedom and wanting to be an adult now. Whatever it is, if you're relationship is strong, it's a phase,and probably having to do with their own "stuff". It's OK if a first visit didn't go well. There will be many others. Sometimes backing off from a college age student makes them want to come towards you more than if they feel you are worried or "interfering". Good luck!

Hi W.,
I have 4 boys 2 are older 27 and 24. So let me tell you I have experience. The hard part is that when they come home now all of a sudden they have rules again. So you just need to set them right from the beginning. When my first came home from college for the first time over Thanksgiving he actualy put a case of beer in our Fridge. Can you believe the nerve of him he was only 19. Well we thanked him for bringing beer home for us. And don't think that you are drinking it. His mouth dropped. They think now that I am a big boy I do not have to listen to you anymore. They are still living under your roof so you set the rules accordinly. Now you might want to make them different in a slight way to say to him you are different and so are we. And we respect your growing up but He needs to respect you also It is a new phase and they are not in high school any more. So you have to parent a little different but still be firm and make sure he understands your bounderies.Hope fully the next time he comes home it will be better for you . Good luck
S. F

Dear W.,
My daughters are older now, married and have some children of their own. What was the problems with your teenager? My fiance has a son who is 19 and he is in military school right now and comes home from school and we have him too? How can we help you? Sometimes they aren't really interested in curfews etc. since they have had free reins at college. My girls still new their father had fairly strict rules and as long as he was paying for their college, they had to obey. Send us another email if we can answer any questions for you. Have a great day!
N.

W.,

I have a stepdaughter in college about two hours away - since college started, she has been home 4-5 times to be with us (really to be with her boyfriend). Each time it is stressful to re-make up her room from guests, clean up after her and have expectations of when she will be here versus with her boyfriend or out in general.

My issues are probably different from yours, though, as I'm a stepparent, which in her mind is totally different than a 'real' mom (I've been married to her dad 10 years, but still no real change). Just remember that your child is technical an adult and even if they don't act that way, it's important to try to treat them that way most of the time.

Best of luck.

S.

I agree with Maria, however, I have to add that I came home as a college student and then again for 6 months as a 23 year old professional saving to buy a house. As the college student I wanted my freedom and didn't feel I had to be treated as a "child" upon returning home during college. I thought I shoud be able to live independently at home as I had been doing at school. My parents felt I needed to respect the house rules no matter what. Fast forward a few years, I lived with my parents as a professional...out of college and in the work force. MUCH different!!! When you are in college, no offense, you are still a teenager with teenage mentality and immaturity!! As a young adult living under my parents roof, I chose to respect THEIR rules and observe their schedules and expectations of me. You don't have the right as a young adult to make your parents adhere to YOUR lifestyle while you are in their house. NOW fast forward a few more years, I have a husband, children, and I'm much older. When my parents visit me...they observe MY rules (regarding my kids and the way I discipline them). They have no problem with that and I feel that it is an appropriate expectaion since it is MY house.
Bottom line here is if it is your house...it is your rules. The HARDEST time of my life was the adjustment after the first year of college. I hate to say it but after you have spent a little time in college, you feel cocky, and a little defiant of authority because you have been sort of "on your own". The reality is, they haven't truly been on their own...they just think that they have!