Issues with Step-daughter

I don't have much experience in this area or much advice, except that I think you are right much of it probably has to do with her age. My oldest son just turned 13 so I am just starting the teenage years. Maybe she's a little jealous of her little brother? With three parents in her life it is probably possible that she is trying to manipulate the three of you to her advantage. I wanted to say that I thought one of the other posters was a little harsh, and I applaud you for working with her mother and having a positive relationship with her. I think that is very mature and could have nothing but a positive effect on your stepdaughter. I have no idea why you would want to assume she is "the enemy," and I think that would only make things worse for your stepdaughter. Blended families can be difficult and it sounds like you are a very busy woman, but maybe you could get some counseling to give you some additional ideas of how to work with your stepdaughter and not let it interfere with your relationship with your husband either. Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

My daughter does not like the man I am with now. She blames him the breakup between me and my ex-husband. She has some strong residual anger feelings. Even though she loves me and hugs me, she has a difficult time even having a civil conversation with Chris.

First, we try the ground rules. We write down what are fair rules from all perspectives. We all sign off on it.

Second, I explain calmly and repeatedly what things and behavior are ok, and which are not. For a long time, I let her get away with EVERYTHING because I was so cautious about making things worse.

We still aren't out of the danger zone. I'm going to take her to a family therapist. I'm going to have her do some one on one discussions. Then I'm going to sit in with her. Then we'll move on to family sessions. She can't really be at peace until she deals with the negative emotions that are biting away at her.

These turn into short snappy, waspish statements and completely disrespectful tones when she talks to me.

I do not ever have my ex and my current talk to each other, especially about the children. So, I'd probably ditto J.L. and say stop the conversations with bio mom. It's probably not a good way to go about helping the girl get her feelings under control.

I'm sorry I don't know how to help you in your issues with your step-daughter. But I read the responses you got and felt compelled to respond.

My husband and step-son's mother have an amicable relationship. She made it very clear from the beginning that she knew very well that my presence in her son's life would have an impact whether I did anything about it or not. (Whether I liked it or not. Whether she liked it or not.) She chose to acknowledge that and I became involved in his life early on. My stepson has gone through some rough patches in his young life, and all 3 of us have been very frank and open about what we saw, how we saw it, how we thought we should proceed. We have attended therapy together, as a family. We have agreed and disagreed...

You should not feel like she's the enemy. If she is, then she is. But if she isn't, please don't walk away from this post feeling like you should. Are there people out there that use their children against their exes? Sure. Is everyone like that? No, absolutely not!!

There are people that actually talk to their friends about their feelings of frustration against an ex, instead of their children. There are people who make it very clear that just because the parents aren't together, it doesn't mean they aren't parents anymore. People who chose to stand up for their child's best interest instead of their own foolish pride (just don't let go of your dignity).

Such people listen when they are told their children misbehave because they want to know how to correct that... because they don't want their offspring to become anti-social. "It takes a village"!

At least, that's what my experience has been. If you feel like perhaps you should watch out, then go ahead. But please don't believe that everyone out there is bitter about their ex and their new spouse.

Good luck!

I'd stop the one-on-one meetings with bio-mom about her kid immediately. You're asking for trouble. One day this will blow up in your face in a way that will cause conflict between you and your husband.

Don't trust for one minute bio-mom views you as a friend, respects your parenting skills, cares or even believes what you have to say about her daughter's behavior, let alone considers you a bonafide parent to her daughter. Turn the tables, if it were the other way around and she were telling you your child was ill-mannered, would you be all happy and receptive? Or would you find yourself on the defensive, feeling like you, your parenting skills, and child were being judged by the evil-step mother?

This woman is probably taking advantage of you and this situation to maintain access to your husband. The girl is being disruptive to "punish" her father for marrying you, and to hopefully cause discord in your relationship with her father...and probably all with bio-mom's blessing.

I can't help but have images of bio-mom saying, "D.'s at it again, complaining about you. Don't listen to anything she has to say. Your dad's a jerk. Yadda, yadda, yadda." All the while bio-mom is probably biding her time for the perfect opportunity to start trouble via her kid.

And who knows what the two of them are saying about you and your kid behind your back. Angry teen is probably relaying personal details of your relationship to bio-mom and more. Bio-mom may not be directly plotting with her daughter to cause trouble, but clearly she's probably emotionally manipulating the girl so she'll harbor anger toward her father and act out when she's with you. You're just giving bio-mom too much trust, too much info and too much access in my opinion.

Be careful about any personal details about your feelings about your step-daughter, his ex, your relationship with your husband around the girl...and from here on out, leave the bickering between dh and his daughter. That way he can never come back to you angry about anything if a misunderstanding or some other unforseen issue should arise. Definitely avoid bad mouthing the ex or complaining about the dauther's behavior to dad, especially in front of the daughter. And stand clear of all three of them (ex, kid, and dh) pulling you into the middle of old by-gone issues. You'll be the one who loses in the end. Keep all of their family dealings between them! And them only.

Bottom-line definitely don't trust his ex as a friend or peer. Why give up your power to the enemy? Harsh I know, but heck....it's human nature we're talking about here.

It usually doesn't work too well to look to an adolescent to make you feel good. Do everything you can to keep yourself loving and happy, and she will learn from your example--although it may take a while. If you can take care of your own feelings, at least you will be feeling good while you wait for her to change.