Issues with My Adult Siblings..what Would You Do?

Yikes. If I were you, I'd divide the funds and put what's not yours in a savings account for them and don't touch it. It'll be hard (especially in hard times) because the money is just sitting there, but it's not yours. Usually savings accounts are a free service that banks offer. The last thing you want is to have them come after you or be mad at you later for spending their inherritance.(one more thing for them to be angry at you) Some day, they may end up cleaning themselves up and wanting something from their mom. I'd stop trying to contact them. If they want the money, they'll call you. But, at some point, if you spend the money, you'll always have that hanging over your head because you obviously are an honest and fair person. If you don't do the right thing now, you'll be going against your moral values and you will be unhappy about it and it could haunt you for a long time in a couple of ways. Either the fact that you spent their share, or the fact that you never know when they will be back to claim their share. I wouldn't spend it...at least not yet. Unless it were a small amount of money that you could easily replace later if they came looking for it. Someday, maybe it'll be yours, or your daughter's, depending on how long it sits there. I'd also talk to a family attorney. Perhaps there is a statute of limitations on money and after 5 or 7 years, it becomes your property legally.

Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

I would say you tried, if you want, depending on how much, save some of it in case your brothers get their act togther, I have a sister that is the same problem so I feel you on this.

It's hard to speculate about the future but if you guys are all so young, try to think about it from a 20-years from now perspective. From someone with a few more miles on the tires as you, I agree with the posters who say that you should split it three ways and put theirs into an account.

Be careful of people who say things like, "Legally, you are entitled..." when they may not be an attorney or even an attorney in this field. That is irresponsible advice and may not be true. I'm not saying that you should hire an attorney. And, just because something is "legal" does not make it "just" or "fair".

How will the B. of 20 years from now feel about this decision that you only have one chance to make? It may or may not be a ton of money and you may have really good uses for it but something about your post makes me sense that you wish for some sort of reconciliation - even if it is years from now. It doesn't sound like any of you have had the easiest of lives.

They may be making horrible choices right now in their 20s but that doesn't mean as 40 year old men that they will still be acting this way. It's hard to have compassion but I sense from your post that you do. What if this money could be the jumpstart they need to get an apartment, find a job and get on the right track, would you wish that you could give that to them?

If you do keep the money, maybe you could donate it towards a charity meaningful for your mom, or put it in your kid's college fund or something?

Honestly,
if both your brothers are addicts, i wouldnt share the money. You may want to put a little in a bank for them and leave it there, so if they ever get straightened up, you could give them it. If ou tried to contact them and they dont trespond, you did your best.
S.

For all you know it could be $5, right? I would accept it, put it all somewhere as an investment, and if later down the road your brothers clean up their act and contact you, then split it up. Find out how much there is before you invest in a lawyer. If the sum could help pay for the lawyer, then that would probably be the way to go.

Good luck!

You have a lot of advice before mine, but only you can decide what to do. No one can tell you what you should do, only your heart can. Just make sure you are good with the decision as you will have to live with it for the rest of your life.

What would I do? I am also a single parent and while I have another 8 years to plan for college, it's not going to be easy...I would open a college fund, as a gift from Grandma, but that's just me.

I would find out how much it is before you stress about it. It may not be much. If that's the case, it wont be any big deal. If it's a lot, there may be legal issues if you just keep it all. Fill out the paperwork so you find that out then talk to a lawyer or someone who knows the laws regarding these things. He shouldn't be cut out just cause you and he don't get along.

With those kind of issues I'd put it in a trust or savings for your children and say it is from their grandma when they get old enough to know about it. None of you expected the money coming and since you don't know how much, I'd set it aside and divide it among your children. It's fair that way and no stress for you, just open an account for the grandkids.
Good luck!
S. Mom to 5

Legally you are all entitled to the money unless your mother has something in writing. There is nothing you can do as to what they spend it on. Sadly, they are adults and can do what they want. If your mom has something in writing making you in charge then I would talk to someone about doing the saving account or trust funds, like someone else offered.

There is a big difference between fair and equal. If you were there for your mom and your brothers weren't, and you'll do good things with the money and they likley won't, is it fair that they get 1/3 of the money? You could always split it 60-20-20 or something and give them their "fair" share if you ever find them.

If even the chance at some money isn't enough to bring your younger bro out of the woodwork, I would say the money is yours. Karma just smiled on you. Do something good with it!

I would share the money. Whatever they do with it is their decision. Who knows, maybe they will use it to do something useful like get an education. Maybe you could suggest that and say they should try to do something to make their mother proud. Anyways, if you keep it and they find out, they might try to get it from you and that could be a really ugly situation.

I would put the money in an investment account (even as simple as a certificate of deposit at a bank) and leave it there for family emergencies. That way if your brothers ever get their acts together and needed some help to get their life back in order you could give them their share. And if they don't, then it is $ that you can use for your daughter's education. There is absolutely no point in giving money to an addict, you would only be supporting their bad choices.

Obviously, you know the answer in your heart. You wouldn't have put it out here if you weren't thinking about splitting it between you and your siblings.

I believe in good karma. Perhaps your brothers will spend the money on drugs if you provide them their portions. But, your concious will be clear knowing that you have done the fair thing.

My mother, MANY years ago, tried to protect her older brother from the inheritance of their mother. She set up a complicated trust because he hadn't made wise decisions with his money prior to that. It only caused serious strife in the family.

I'd share. And, if you cannot find them, put it in the bank and when they show up, give it to them with the story of how it came to be. No one can hold that kind of fairness against you.

I would not feel indebted to your siblings. You have done what you feel is morally acceptable by calling. It was his choice not to return those calls and to be consumed by his anger and addictions. If you feel obligated still, set some of the money aside in a savings account or some type of fund and perhaps offer it to your brothers when or if they get healthy again. If they never come around or work on improving their lives, then perhaps you can use that money for a college fun for your child or children. You could offer to help pay for treatment for your brother's addiction if he does not have insurance and would like to improve his life, but you will not be helping him simply by offering him money that you feel will be spent on drugs or alcohol. You are a wonderful person for wanting to be honest, moral and supportive. I am sorry for the loss of your mother years ago. I can only imagine how painful that was for you and your brothers. Do what feels right for you.

You could always split the money anyways. Keep your share and put your bothers' share into an account for such a time as when you are reconciled and can give it to them. I think that would be a fair way to go. What they decide to spend the money on, I guess, is their choice seeing as though, since it was from your mother, the money does belong to all of you. That's how I would see it. Unless the money being kept in an account is a problem for you (ie they count it as income and that counts against any social programs you may be eligible for) If it poses a problem for you perhaps donating it to something in your brothers' names would also be a fair alternative to you getting the entire amount. My mom also passed away when I was fairly young and if I was to find out there was money coming I would certainly see it as something I would be obligated to share with my brother and sister, no matter what I thought they would spend it on.
Good Luck
K. H

I would suggest splitting the money, but putting your brothers share in the bank. And hopefully someday they'll come around and you can give it to them. Giving it to them no doesn't make any sense - you'd only be supporting a bad habit.

-J.

who got her estate when she passed away? if it was split among the three of you, i am sure this will need to be split too. i agree and would check with a family attorney. you may have been listed as the beneficiary and you may get to do with the money as you see fit. being a single mom, i am sure you can use is wisely!

I would check with an attorney about your legal responsibilities. You don't want to not share and have your brothers come back and sue you for the money. My gut instinct is that you have to spit this money equally among siblings.