My husband has an online female friend who reviews his online story writing. They have been in contact for 9 years. He emails her and yahoo messengers her. Sometime frequently ( like 10-20 messenger conversations a day) and sometimes not for a few months. I recently read the history of their various conversations. He has shared things that are personal to me (eg about the issues with birth if our son) and things personal to him( his family issues , his youth). She is married and has shared details about her family and birth of 2 kids during that time they have the online relationship. My husband insists he only reviews each other's writings online, which he does, and he provides very indepth and thoughtful feedback to her. His writing is something we don't share as I always felt it took away from family time., in addition to his online video gaming. He doesn't write for a living....but quite his job a few months ago because he wants to become a writer. I found the messages somewhat intimate, for example, in one email she called him sweetie and singed off Love. He sends her "gift"icons. Lots of smiley faces, and is very caring about her welfare, always asking how her pregnancies were coming along, discussing family issues. He has told her over the past 9 years about many of our family vacations. He tells her when he is travelling and where is is travelling to. She know about every move we've made and house we've bought. He send her pictures of our son. He is her Facebook friend. He says he won't ever meet her. Am I nuts to think that Iam sharing my emotionally husband with someone online? I know I am jealous. He denies there is an issue.
Thanks for all the feedback. Much appreciated. I agree about the getting interested in his writing. It was always so hard to do because I resented him for spending so much time online ( between the online writing and video games) and I spent so many years propping him up ( almost like an executive assistant ) so he can function at work, in a fairly serious and important role. ..which in the end he didn't want to do anymore. Our values and interests were certainly misaligned. Iam discussing the issue openly with him. Not sure where it will go from here but conversation is a good step forward.
You may want to begin showing some serious interest in his writing so that he can see this is something he can share with you. If you feel he's being too intimate with her, lovingly show him reasons why he can share this same intimacy with you. And don't let it take you 9yrs to do so! :0)
Before you ask him to stop contact, YOU show more GENUINE interest. After it seems you have succeeded in being interested, then insist on cutting her out.
It's not an affair yet, but what if he tries to meet this person and they click?
I'm kinda with Kelly on this one. There's a lot of little, nuanced pieces which don't seem to amount to an affair, but it would be wise to have a conversation with your guy about expectations and balance.
I want to say this gently, and I want you to hear it--- some of us are writers. It's sort of something we HAVE to do to feel right with the world. There's really no way to put that out of our lives, not even for the people we love. Some of us really would have a huge part of our lives missing if we didn't write. My husband and I met through a poetry open-mike and for the first several years, this was a huge part of our relationship with each other-- sharing our writing with each other, asking about editing/critical feedback, etc. Now that life is busier and we have a kid, I do most of my writing on my blogs or online, and he does much of his in a non-poetic way at work.
That said, I do understand that sometimes, he needs to go hang out with some of our poet friends. Validation of our work-- no matter what it is-- is so important. Just as you would like to be told "dinner was great, honey", he is wanting feedback for his work. If you have refused, he's found another way to get his work read and critiqued by someone who is interested. I would be glad it's not a predatory type of person, really. The mutual critiquing isn't costing him money (an editor might) and it sounds like she's very immersed in her own family.
I also want to say that I have worked in the past with men as writing partners on projects and there was NOTHING there. We shared the surface stuff of our personal lives with each other, sometimes even deeper, because we had created a relationship where there was trust and confidence that we each ultimately wanted what was best for the other. So, do keep that in mind.
Talk with him about how he uses/schedules his time at home. My husband also has a video game he likes to play online with friends; he has a regular date with them every Sunday night (except holidays, special occasions); we work to find balance in that *I* too have time to pursue things which matter deeply to me. So, talk to him about your concerns without being accusatory, let him know that you are missing him (if you are) and how you want to have more one -on-one time with him (if you are). Sometimes, what we really need isn't necessarily more family time as it is more time with our spouses while the kids have a sitter. Just some things to consider.
she is providing what you are unable to give him.....a vested interest in what is dearest to him: his writing.
& through this intimate & honest connection, THEY are sharing what is in both of their lives: their spouses & their families.
I do not see an issue here. I do see issues with your lack of acceptance of what is important to him. I also see jealousy & insecurity on your part. The fact that he denies there's an issue....along with everything else you've written here....means that you are pushing him away through your accusations, concerns, & misperceptions.
Time to appreciate what you have. Time to become a part of what is important to him. & maybe even show an interest in sharing this friend. By doing so, life will become happier for you! Good Luck!
I can see where you may not be comfortable with this but, as an outsider I would not consider this any type of affair. I mean they're discussing the births of their children that they have with their spouses. So obviously it does not seem that they are planning to meet or talking bad about their spouses or even trying to hide the fact that they are married. I think you should trust your hubby on this one but I also think he needs to consider that this is making you uneasy and mabey devote a lil more time to his family.
I don't consider this to be an affair. I do think that you have pushed him into some of this because you have nothing to do with his writing. He has compartamentalized his passion/work elsewhere because you have demanded it. Therefore, he shares it with her.
If you want to change this, then get involved with reading what he writes. Praise him for his work. Tell him what you like. Don't critique. Show him more lovey-dovey of yourself.
After you've established this "new you" with him, and yes, give it some time for him to get used to, go out to dinner with him one night and when you two are getting along really well, happy together and calm, bring up that you were feeling a bit despondent over his close relationship with this woman. You felt that they were too close, and you decided that you needed to become involved in his passion so that he wouldn't feel like she is the only one he could share it with. Let him talk. Don't tell him to drop her. That will hurt his business and your marriage. Do ask him not to share your whole lives with her, that it makes you feel bad.
Give this time to work. If he knows her saying "Love, Suzie" and the gift cons bothers you, he should pull back a little to discourage it.
That's kind of a tough one. Calling each other "sweetie" and signing of with "love" is a little over the top. However, if it's been 9 years, and during that time you and your husband have a strong, loving relationship and a healthy sex life, then I wouldn't worry about it.
I guess if they share an interest in writing then you can understand the connection, to an extent.
The fact that he goes months without contacting her is reassuring. As far as sharing intimate things goes -- that's a little iffy but I guess most of us need people to bounce relationship stuff off of occasionally.
Overall, if you feel that your relationship with your husband is good, and has been for the past 9 years, let it go, I guess. Just ask him not to call her sweetie or use the word love.
Wait, he quit his job to become a writer and you don't support his writing? He is passionate enough about it to quit his job?!?! Was this alone not something the two of you discussed ad nauseum? He is a writer. It is apparently not something you support. I have to assume you work, does he support your work?
I don't think this other woman is the issue. It sounds like there is a real lack of communication and intimacy between the two of you. I get you're sense of being left out, but it has been 9 years and he hasn't gone so far as to meet her.
Maybe you two need to spend some time getting to know - and respect - one another.
It sounds like his writing is a passion of his and something very important to him. You don't share in that passion, and from what you said, it sounds like you don't support him and you probably are giving him grief about something that he obviously loves. He has a FRIEND that shares his passion and is supportive of him and his passion. Would you think it was an affair if it was a man that he was talking to?
You have in a way created this situation by not supporting him. If you want him to talk more to you and less to her then start showing some genuine interest in what obviously means so much to him and show him some support.
Honestly it doesn't sound like a huge issue to me, but then again my husband and I are also best friends so he doesn't feel the need to find the emotional support from someone else.
I'm with Kelly.
Not an affair, but if you are that bothered by it he should respect your feelings and tone it down a bit. I think it would be unreasonable to expect him to end the friendship, but you could ask him to talk to her about the pet names and "loves". (Though, I have known many, many women who use these terms toward anyone they know...)
I'd say they're more like pen pals than anything else. Does he profess romantic love for her or share sexual things with her? The things you say he shares with her are the same things a pen pal would share.
I called someone sweetie today, on FB, that I do not know personally. They are a sweet compassionate person. If their spouse sees that do you think they should suggest we're having an online affair? Of course not.
To me it seems harmless. I do acknowledge you feel left out, you are jealous. It's normal to want his undivided attention when he's not working or attending to a specific task such as writing a chapter.
I think this sounds harmless.
My husband is a writer and has some professional relationships with editors and others. These are not people I know. I don't have a problem with it for the following reasons:
He does not share personal info. If someone can't get to his work because she is sick, he will ask her how she is feeling. He does not ask about pregnancies or discuss vacations (other than giving dates he will be out of contact) or send pictures of us.
He tells me about his contacts. He will share her comments with me.
He networks with a variety of people to maximize his chances of getting published. He uses LinkedIn not just Facebook.
Your husband "wants to become a writer" - what does that mean? What is he doing to advance his career, improve his skills, wide his contacts? Meantime he quit his job?
Is he telling you about all the conversations? How in the world does he justify 10-20 conversations a day? That has nothing NOTHING to do with writing! That's not how to become a writer!
Your husband is taking away from family time. If he's trying to start a second career, some of that may be necessary, but absolutely NOT if he's discussing personal things! He's kidding himself. And he's deceiving you, I think. No professional writers sign things "love" and "sweetie".
If he wants you to read every message to her so you can see how professional it is, that's good. But it doesn't sound like that. This sounds very much like an emotional affair - he says he won't meet her, so why he's doing is safe, in his mind. He's giving his emotional self to her rather than to you.
I know you don't share his love of writing, but maybe you should read more of what he does to share his interest. If he puts up even one roadblock to that, you've got a huge problem. He could be spending that time with you or with your child - or he could be spending it writing! Just giving his in-depth opinion of her writing is doing nothing to advance his career, and it's of questionable value to her in her writing career. And he's not working with any other writers or editors, correct? Big huge red flag!! I'd put a stop to this.
I think the fact that he hasn't hidden her from you speaks volumes about who she is. I've been married 12 years, and I've had online friends ( guys) that I've been chatting with for 15+ years. They know intimate details of my life - but we have no emotional attachment. Mine live in other countries or halfway across the country. I'm pretty sure my husband has similar friends. The issue here is whether you trust him or not. It's easy to try and compare your relationship to the snapshot of an online one your husband has. I assure you - if he was having an affair, sharing every detail of your personal lives together is NOT the way to get a woman to stay with you!
I think you may need to look closely at your relationship with your husband and see why this one makes you uncomfortable. Does he seem more at ease chatting with her? Do you with you communicated better? Is there a core reason why you feel uncomfortable? Ultimately online friendships are great because you can say what you feel in a safe environment without any risk of your words swinging back to you. There tends to be very little judgement - because you aren't really connected anyway. This may be what she provides for him.
Oh and I know this is random - but don't stress about the video games. I'm a gamer :) My husband is a gamer - but we don't really game together - and we have perfectly functional lives. It's possible to be a gamer, and a parent, and a professional.......
Seems like a friend to me. Yes, it would be better if it were a guy. Have you seen her picture? I know that sounds harsh but if he's not attracted to her, then that will save you lots of time and energy.
I WOULD DEFINATELY AGREE THERE IS AN ISSUE. I am totally on your side. I think you need to talk to him, and let him know this is really bothering you and you are not okay with this wether he agrees with you or not. I would NOT be okay with this under any curcumstances. It doesnt really matter to me if they've been friends, do business, she edits his work IT DOESNT EVEN MATTER at this point he is sharing info that only one woman needs to know and thats you... I feel he is taking way too much out of the family and sharing it with someone else. And yes, I would feel like I need to share my husband with someone else. This is wrong. End of story. Am sorry this is an unfortunate position to be in for you, but you have to communicate to him and he has to respect your feelings and the way you see this. Good luck.
I guess I don't understand your reasoning... you say he doesn't write for a living except he quit his job in order to write full time and dedicate his life to writing. That means writing for a living. Except... you mean he quit his job to pursue his dream to write but he's not bringing in the paycheck any more and you resent that. I take all of that to mean that you don't believe he's a "real" writer if he's not bringing in a paycheck.
You claim that you've spent so much time "propping him up" (I guess during his previous career when he was considering writing through the last couple of months?) but he didn't need an executive assistant ... he needed a friend and wife who would genuinely support him with emotional support and encouragement. He got that from his online friend because as you said yourself:
"His writing is something we don't share as I always felt it took away from family time, in addition to his online video gaming."
I would bet that you overestimate the time he plays games online and underestimate the time he spends writing and all that is involved surrounding the process. You said you saw that he discusses in depth with her his process. You made it taboo... I don't get that. And instead of trying to convince you, he compensated.
I'm glad to you started talking but you really need to open up communication completely and don't put anything off limits. You need to put aside any preconceived notions you have about writers. Instant success isn't part of the deal. The creative process can take years. You could suggest that he look into some college courses to help him along to hone his skills. I bet that would knock his socks off.
