Is This Normal? Toddler Behavior/developmental Question

I don't think its normal or abnormal. I'd be concerned if
she starts to make no eye contact or starts with strick routines or other autistic type behaviors. If those appear then I'd seek out an assessment for that. But if she smiles and just watches then that's ok. I'd role play with her in the moment and react in the way that would be appropriate. "Look you're friend is sharing her toy, thank you! Wasn't that nice?" Then take the toy. You child will catch on. Practice at home with toys. Have the toys "play together." For example, have Minnie Mouse and dolly play with toy cars driving them back and forth and sharing. At that age they more parallel play and wouldn't do too much back and forth anyways. So I'd try to work on parallel playing with other kids. Just try to direct her to start playing solo doing the same activity as another child. That's really about all you could expect anyways. :)

Don't overthink this.

She may by nature be an observer: A person who needs to take in the surroundings, check everything out, observe others. This may be her personality. You see the other kids running and playing and think it's abnormal that she is not but it sounds normal for HER. Don't gauge her by other kids.

You mention group settings several times in the post. You mention "as many toddler gatherings as my schedule allows" and classes etc. Maybe it's time she got more of those playdates, with only one other child there, that you find hard to set up. I would make a real effort to get her those and ramp back on gatherings with lots of kids, or park play dates where loads of toddlers are running around. She may be overwhelmed by lots of kids in one place. With one other kid there and plenty of toys etc. you might find that she eventually warms up to play with the other kid -- BUT be aware that at her age children still do a lot of "parallel play" where they are in another child's presence but each child plays separately or wants to be played with by the parent who is present. This is absolutely normal and a normal developmental stage -- get some child development books and read up on parallel play; there is nothing wrong with it.

Your expectations of her behavior may be unrealistic for her age and stage and personality, too. Those kids you see engaging in what looks like group play at the park and classes may really be doing more parallel play and more merely running (not actually engaging each other in "play") than you realize.

Can you make even more time to play with her, at home, yourself? At 20 months, a child's best playmate is a parent, frankly. Other kids can be overwhelming and simply unwelcome to a child her age --you are her universe, and she would rather play with you and have your full attention than be surrounded by groups of kids her own age. She does not yet see them as peers or playmates--you need to see that. Maximum one on one play time with her is fine -- she will not be antisocial or unable to play with other kids if she plays more with you and dad! That is also how she will learn language and motor skills and concepts much better than when she is in group settings at this age.

Don't waste time role playing how she should behave. She is too young to connect it all up yet. Just do more one on one with other kids, more time with her yourself, and maybe fewer of the loud, busy toddler "gatherings" for a while.

It's totally normal!
Many kids will parallel play (play side by side rather than cooperatively together) till they are about 4 to almost 5 years old.
It's a normal development stage and no amount of socializing will get her through it any faster.
Our son preferred sitting and watching from my lap till he was 3 1/2 years old.
After that he had no trouble running around with his friends.
Nothing to worry about!

My kid was big on observing.
I don't think this is "abnormal."
Set up a O.-on-O. hour with another toddler.
I'll bet she joins in.

This is perfectly, perfectly normal. She's not even 2 yet.

Often, the kids who are really social at this age are the ones with older siblings. They have a natural jump start at socialization. Oldest/only children just need more time to acclimate.

It's also possible that she may be a bit of an introvert/observer, but these are wonderful qualities and nothing to worry about. But I wouldn't even jump to that conclusion, at her age. She could be the life of the party, in another year.

Just keep doing what you're doing -- mommy/me type things are great. And if you can do regular playdates with the same child (and by regular, I mean once or twice a month) that might be good,. Sometimes, even at this young age, they like to have one or two official friends. But really, nothing worrisome in your post at all.

I think it's fine.
She's most likely a shy child that likes to observe.
She's also young.
Let her be. Don't over think it.
Keep taking her places w/other kids. Encourage her to play with others
but don't force it.
Each child is different. Different personality types, diff stage development.
Don't push her.
My SD is shy while her sibling is not.
One of my sisters is shy while I am not, etc.

she is not a median on a child development chart.
she is a unique and wonderful personality all her own.
please stop second-guessing and overthinking. she's tiny. she gets a tad overwhelmed in new situations and wants to take it all in before choosing her course. it may be a phase, or she may grow to be a woman who draws people in to her rather than reaching out to all who within her sphere.
don't try to manipulate her personality. watch, learn, and appreciate with joy and wonder just how extraordinary your daughter is. your focus should be more on figuring out her learning and coping styles rather than trying to mold her to fit a fictional norm.
khairete
S.

Hi Elliebirds Mom,

I have an Associate Degree in Early Childhood Education and I also do Parent Education, and I can assure you that your daughter is perfectly fine, really! Her behavior is on par for he age and development.

At 20 months, it is still quite normal for children to do some parallel play, while starting to spread their wings and trying group play. It's also common at this age to be very outgoing at home with mom and dad (and siblings and grandparents, if there are any) because they feel comfortable there. Some kids, while outgoing at home, may take a little longer to warm up with others when away from their comfort zone. There is nothing wrong with this, I promise. Your daughter, over time, may become more outgoing when she is with others, or she may not. That's ok.

I'm willing to bet it's just her personality. I don't think it warrants intervention at tis time, I really don't. I firmly believe it's just a developmental stage, and as she gets older and has more time with other kids, she'll become more comfortable with them.

Do I think you should have socialized her more when she younger? No. That's what you are doing now, and it's a great time to do it. You have done absolutely nothing wrong, so please stop blaming yourself. Just know you are doing the best for your daughter, and I firmly believe you are.

You may want to consider preschool when she turns 3, two or three days a week, or at thievery least, preschool when she turns 4 to help her get ready for school. I'm a firm believer in preschool.

As for what you can do, I have a few ideas. First, keep getting her out with others as much as you can, and sounds like you are doing that. Good for you.

Second, when she is at the park, or mommy and me, and is hesitant about interacting, you can narrate what you see going on around you. For example, You can say "I see Tommy on the swings, that looks like fun. Oh look, Jenny just went down the slide. And Katie is in the sandbox building a castle. Do any of the look lie fun to you?" If you get a response great, if not that's fine too. Just talk about what you see and here around you. This might encourage her to play. But don't force her to do something she isn't ready for, be willing to let her set the pace. Remember, she is still in the parallel play stage.

I have two books to recommend. Both are written by T. Berry Brazelton (one of my favorite go to guys on child development)and Joshua Sparrow M.D.

* Touchpoints; Birth to Three

*Touchpoints: Three to Six

These books have great information on child development milestones and are easy to read. They are great resources and might be helpful for you. I would bet you can get the at the library or through Amazon.

I know this is long, but I wanted to be of some help. Again, please remember, You have done nothing wrong, and you are a great mom!

Good luck!

She is 20 months old! Let her be. Let her develop at her own pace.
Geez. Quit trying to fix what is not broken. I so glad 35 years ago, we just raised our kids. We played we interacted but we never picked apart behaviors like is done all too often today. These kids are who they are. Maybe she is just shy and will always be. Nothing wrong with that. Do t mean to sound snarky, but I think people are missing out on so much fun time by worrying about every little thing. Just enjoy her.

She is still very young.
Don't worry about it.
I have 2 kids. At that age, they were JUST like that too.
AND they were fine.
My kids... .are VERY observant and also about the "cues" and atmosphere of situations. That is a good thing, to me. Because now that they are older, it serves them well. Versus other kids their age, that are just more unaware of things.

Anyway, my kids were like that.
It was no big deal. And I also did not care, about what others thought of them. They were developmentally on par.
Both my kids also went to Preschool. One went at 3 years old. When she was ready. And the other went when he was 4 years old, when he was ready.
Once they entered into elementary school, they were fine!
They are not, and were not, socially handicapped.
Sure, they were shy... but to me, they just knew themselves and their own cues, and they are observers. Very good traits to have. And I nurtured them... for who THEY are. Not what others, are. And they are VERY self-assured kids, who are comfortable in their own skin. They don't go around comparing themselves. And they know how to choose friends... very well.

There is a real mistake, about thinking there is something "wrong" with a kid, just because they may be a bit more shy, compared to, other kids.
The other mistake is thinking that... "extrovert" gad about kids, are "better." However, being extroverted or thinking that ALL kids have to be that way.... is a wrong way to think.
The KEY thing is: is to know YOUR child, and their cues, and nurture, that. That is what I did with my kids. And they know themselves VERY well, versus kids their own age. And they are very socially adept. Versus other kids their own age. And in school, they have gotten complimented on that by Teachers, many times. EVEN if, they were less "extroverted" and gad about, than other kids.

Nurture YOUR child.
Not forcing them to have a different personality.
Know, YOUR child.

Even for adults, some are that way, too.
Nothing is wrong with that.
But at each age juncture, kids acquire more, knowledge and skills and things which we cannot even teach them. My daughter for example, although she was that way when younger, she had more awareness... of others character/motivations/and could tell, if someone was being real or not. She didn't just assume, just because a person is more extroverted or social, that they were better or best or she was not. She never compared herself to others. She knows who SHE, is.
She can even tell if some kid just wants attention and to be "popular" for the wrong reasons. Even when she was 7 years old, she could tell that and describe... social situations and surmise things. Because, she is an observer and she knows, herself. These are things, that cannot always be taught. But as a parent, I nurtured those aspects in my kids. As well. And as her parent, I know these things... about my kids.
EVEN if they were, just like your daughter. Once.
And now at their ages, they are great fully developed kids, who are very aware, of social situations.

Don't "compare" your daughter or who she is.
Nurture, HER.

She's normal! Mine does the same thing. She's just taking it all in. We do playdates and whenever she's around other kids she just sorta orbits around them without actually interacting much. The most interaction was when she fought with another little girl over who got to push and who got to sit on her cart. That was interesting... But I wouldn't stress so much over it. In due time your daughter will be excited to see other kids :) She's just probably not interested or shy at this point!

She's still pretty little and trying to understand where she fits in social situations. I wouldn't worry about it. Give her a toy of her own and let her play.

As for your observation of her being very extroverted at home, that doesn't mean that she's an extrovert. She might be an introvert who displays extroverted tendencies at home because that's where she's comfortable. There's nothing wrong with that. That's how I am too.

But don't get too hung up on labelling her or worrying about it. Does she have cousins near her age? Or do you have a friend with a toddler her age and size? Have them over and while you are socializing with the adults, let the kids play. You might find her to have a better time of it in her own space.

Go to parentcenter.com and join to get the emails specific to your child. It's so fun to see where they should be and what's normal. I looked forward to getting them all the time.

I think this sounds very normal. She sounds like she may be naturally a bit more introverted, and there's nothing wrong with that. She's observing everything going on, watching how other children interact, but she's not ready to do that herself yet. If she is happy standing and watching, just let her do that. One day she will decide to join in. It may be a bit overwhelming when there's a big crowd of other kids; she might enjoy playing with just one other child (in parallel play, maybe) in a familiar setting first, if you know another family with a child of the same age?

First, completely normal. She's still VERY little. When I worked with a group of 20-30 month olds (was a lead caregiver for that group for 2.5 years) I saw a LOT of what you describe. Much more parallel play and less 'taking turns'/ imaginative play.

You've got an observer. There is NOTHING wrong with your girl. It sounds like she is intelligent enough to want to see what is going on, see what happens. This is not uncommon. Some kids just jump right in to social situation, esp if they have older siblings at home-- they are more used to those peer interactions.

Let her watch. I have a little boy who really wanted nothing much to do with kids his age (mostly liked either adults or open-ended sensory parallel play with peers) until the preschool teachers helped him at four; they had him 'shadow' another child for a short while each morning, increasing that time as he went along. "Today, for fifteen minutes, you are going to do everything Calvin does". Finding a 'safe' peer to emulate helped him immensely.

At twenty months, there isn't a lot verbally you can tell your daughter other than giving concrete directions. "Oh, David is offering the bear. He wants you to take it from his hand. Now you say 'thank you'." Gentle social coaching. She doesn't take the bear. "Oh, you don't want the bear? Let's tell David "no thank you"."

Other than this, please-- don't sweat it. Role playing and such-- too much for this age, much better for older kids who are dealing with social challenges. Look at the wins in this situation, too-- she's smiling at the kids, not running away, not hiding in your lap or expecting to be held. So, it's obvious to me that she doesn't feel threatened or upset, just that she is still taking it all in, and may be for a while. Some of us in life are observers; that is to say, we might go to a group function and then sit and listen for a while, sort of read the room and then find a way to enter the conversation or action. It's a very intelligent way to approach things.

is she in day care? or home alone with a sitter all day?

if she was in day care she would learn how to play with others.. at home she will not have much chance to learn...

either way she is normal.. and it will come in time. don't worry.