Is There Such a Thing as Discipline for an 18 Month Old?

Most children go through this phaze, it's called the terrible two's. But don't let that name fool you, it usually starts before 2 and unless you get her undercontrol it will go into 3's 4's 5's and so on. Time outs may or maynot work. Since the other woman says that after 11 months her child is still testing her and she still has to give out warnings is probably an indication that time outs don't usually work. They did with my son for about 3 months. then no more. he hid toys under his chair. he would be even worse when he got up. i found a very small switch for my girl who is almost 3. when I say "no" and she does it again, i swat her hand. Just a little bit, not enough to accually hurt her, just enough that she knows i mean what i say. let me tell you, when she was less than 2, she listened so much better than her cousin who is almost a year older than her. You need to get a book called "To Train up a child" It explains how training you children will eventually lead to less disipline but more obedience. Let me also add, that from what I have seen with my own, and every other child I know, saying No or anything does not mean anything to them unless they KNOW that following that NO is something they don't want to get. You can say no all you want, but until you do discipline, you might as well be saying yes b/c no means nother to her. Just like you have to show a child an apple and say apple to get your child to understand that red round thing that taste good is an apple, you have to do the same with the word no.

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I know you've already responded but I read through all your responses and have to completely agree with Paula N. Using a crib for time out doesn't make sense to me as I want my little one to LIKE her crib, so I wouldn't go there and while she may be old enough for a time out, I think there are better ways to deal with the issues, mainly those suggested by Paula N. My little one was FASCINATED with the dogs water dish for awhile so we simply moved it out of the way while she was in that area. After awhile she got used to it and now she doesn't pay any attention to it at 25 months. They learn and grow so fast, most important thing is for you to remain calm and even tempered and have a plan to deal with her behaviors (I would agree that you should try to stop thinking of them as naughty) since those behaviors are part of her growing up to be an independent little person. Testing limits is part of that, your calm, reassuring and authoritative response is key.

She probably doesn't do it with your husband because she's not as interested in getting his reactions - you are the Mom and central figure to her.

Good luck!

In my opinion an 18 month old is more than old enough for time out. Say no. When you say it again pick her up, put her in her high chair (or whichever) and strap her down. Tell her that "you are in time out" Believe me. She will get it. If she doesn't the first time she will the second. The key is constancy. When time out is up... always ask "why were you in time out?" If they can't answer answer for them. This way you will reinforce what they did and your response.

We start around 12 months here. Now, granted I will only put her in time out for about 30 seconds (strapped down) -- but she will understand and by 18 months by the time i count to three she will stop whatever it is she is doing --- immediately.

I have a 10 month old who is just learning "no touch!" and for the most part -- she gets it. Both my other girls, 2.5 and 3.5 completely get it. I can take them anyplace and have them (mostly) behave themselves b/c they listen.

And don't think it doesn't work. Some kids are more stubborn than others. Keep doing it. Over and over and over. It will be very hard on you at first... but in the end you will have an under control child. Wait and things will jsut get worse.

I have an 18mth old boy who is getting to the "trouble twos" stage also. They ARE old enough to understand time out though...dont think they're not old enough. When my son does something wrong, we say NO firmly and explain to him what he's doing is not nice or hurts other people. If he bites, or throws something at someone, then we put him in time out. Our timeout sessions have included him just sitting down for a minute or two on the floor (and of course usually crying) or being put into his crib for about two minutes. He knows he's in trouble when I do this. Afterwards, I tell him to say sorry (which he doesn't know how to say yet but he always gives a kiss and hug after).
I'm not that strict with my son either, however, they need to know right from wrong and the consequences NOW before it gets out of control.

I was always told that timeout for a 1 year old meant trouble chair, or corner, or whatever for 1 minute...a 2 year old is two minutes...3 year is three minutes...etc.

After getting sat down by himself a few times, he stops doing whatever it was he did wrong.

I have a very trying and willful child of my own and time-outs don't work for him. He's pretty happy on his own so sitting alone doesn't really do much to him. I think they probably do for most kids but not every technique works on every child. Just because your child *understands* the discipline doesn't mean it will be effective.

I picked up the Dr. Sears discipline book at about the same age as your child is now and it had some good advice.

Regarding Daddy- Make sure he's not laughing or even giving the hint of a smile when you try to discipline your daughter. Dad laughing only reinforces her bad behavior. My husband would say, "No Mommy!" if I took something away from our son or told him he'd have to brush his teeth. He was doing it in jest since toddlers seem mystified by such requests but then our toddler started imitating Daddy. I had to talk to my husband and explain what difficulties this was creating and once he stopped, things improved. Be a united front!

Best of luck! You'll make it through and she'll (probably) live to be a sullen teenager someday! :)

This may be a bit controversial, but when my children did these things at that age I would tell them it was "off limits" very sternly and put them in their crib EVERY time. They are not too young to understand cause and effect- if I do... I will have to sit in my crib alone. I made sure the crib was empty and the lights were on, and there was no music or snuggling so it felt very different then bed time. They never developed a fear of the crib or associated it with punishment like some say will happen, but I suppose you could use a pack n play in a spare room instead. I still use off limits with my kids and they get the point. They rarely get into things they should not! Be firm and be consistant, she'll get it!

I actually don't have any advice...my son, 17 months, does the very same thing. I've tried everything and nothing seems to work.

I know he's a bit young for the 'naughty chair' but I might give it a shot regardless!!!

You're not alone!!!

Yes you can and should discipline an 18 month old. Discipline is not a bad word - it just means setting limits, which of course can be done in a gentle and loving way.

When she does something 'naughty', say in a firm voice - no throwing food - then remove her from the situation. Redirection is the way to go at this age. If every time she threw food you said that and then immediately took her down from her highchair, she would quickly figure out that throwing food was a no-no. Same goes for pulling hair, etc.

Good luck and remember that consistency is key!

They do "get" time-outs at this age. Keep them short, but enforce them. They learn now, they won't test as much. Otherwise it just keeps escalating. Willful disobedience gets a flick to the nose or ear...usually after a warning of "do you want a flick?" it gets attention, doesn't hurt for long, means business, and they don't get hit to learn not to hit. Usually once or twice and the time-outs are also better accepted. We also coach on taking a deep breath to get a grip on crying, and time-outs do not stop until the crying is under control. The pay-off is a happier kid who knows the kimits and consequences for actions. They understand so much more that we give them credit for many times. Be calm, and they will not get you rattled (they love that, it is funny to see a grown-up lose it :) It works in our house. Good luck.

Why isn't she old enough for time out? At this age, about 2 minutes will do it. Remove her immediately from whatever she is doing that is wrong, and put her someplace - the same place. Could be her room, could be a special chair used only for that, could be the bottom step. I would restrict it, to start, to the hitting/throwing activities (food, TV, pulling hair etc.) and relax a little on the dog's dish (which is neither violent nor dangerous, just annoying and messy). If she goes to time out for too many things, she'll get confused. Be consistent. Don't raise your voice since it's not working. Same with certain movements like your finger or crossing your arms. If the only thing she can mimic is the time out chair, she'll have nothing to mimic. If she winds up in a place with nothing to do and removed from your attention, she will learn quickly. You will feel like it's not working for the first few times, but she will quickly associate these actions with removal from toys and attention, and she WILL learn. Glad your husband finds it so funny...hopefully this is just when you tell him about it later and not when she is actually doing it. So it's frustrating for you but not directly undermining you. He needs to get on the same page with you. Hurting Mommy is NOT acceptable. Good luck.

PLEASE listen to Paula N. She wrote exactly what I would have. Yelling and shaming your child is completely inappropriate. You are the adult. There's no reason to take the wrong behavior as a personal attack. Correcting it in a calm way and being consistent should work.

Yes, if she throws food, take it away until she stops doing it, but you don't have to get emotional and yell in the process. If she hits you when you hold her, calmly put her down until she stops. Remember, she will learn from your actions. She will also learn from your behavior, so if you yell and make her feel like a BAD person, that will lead to further wrong behavior.

I have a 6 year old and a 21 month old, who does the same things your daughter does. It is a challenge, I know! Good luck!

Oh how I understand what you're going through! I have a very active 3 yr old son, and figuring out which discipline tactics work was pretty tricky for a while.

Some husbands don't understand how important some things can be for kids, especially discipline. They tend to want to be your child's buddy - which is fine - but they also need to help present a united front to the kids. Personally, I think it has a lot to do with the fact that they don't get to see the kids nearly as much as moms usually do. The current situation at my house is that when daddy gets home, all the rules like "don't play kickball in the house" are going out the window...so this weekend is "Deal with Daddy" weekend.

First, talk to your husband and help him understand that by smiling and laughing, he's sending the signal to your daughter that her bad behavior makes him happy - and that's definitely NOT okay...he needs to help you present a united front, even if he has to leave the room because he's going to laugh.

Your daughter should be old enough now to understand boo-boos...let her know that when she pulls your hair, she's giving YOU a boo-boo! That seemed to do the trick for my son, and its been helping him to understand that he can actually hurt someone else.

I also started using timeouts before 18 months. When my son is naughty, he gets told "you'd better stop that or you're going to have to go sit on the naughty bench" or "do you need a timeout?" Usually that's enough to stop him at this point because we've been using timeouts for quite a while. I can even use timeouts if we're at someone else's house and there are other kids running around - he knows once he's there, he stays there until mom comes and gets him. (my three older sisters still can't believe how good he is about that!)

When we first started using timeouts, I would tell my son No, and when he didn't stop, I would pick him up, and on the way to the naughty bench I would quietly talk into his ear and tell him "that's not nice, and you need to stop when mommy says stop. It's time for a timeout". I put him in his timeout spot, and if he got up, I just put him back without saying a word until he stayed there without getting up for the required amount of time (I use one minute per year of age). When the timeout was done, I would tell him why he got a timeout, give him a hug and tell him I love him. Once he was old enough, I also had him start telling me he was sorry.

Because your daughter laughs and imitates you when you raise your voice or try to discipline her, it's very important not to raise your voice or get angry. My son used to do the same thing, which is why I now whisper into his ear on the way to timeout. Whispering makes them concentrate on listening to what you're saying and distracts them.

Good luck, and I hope this helps!

C. M

I feel for you but an 18 month old is old enough for discipline. I would recommend that you take the food away from your daughter when she throws it at you and say very stearnly NO! Try giving her food agian in a minute or so and if she throws food again then feeding time is over. If she hits or pulls your hair put her down or get up (put yourself out of her reach) and agian stearnly say NO we do not hit or pull hair. That is not nice be nice to Mommy. You have to be firm. Find another place for the dogs dishes or a way to keep her from them. My 15 month old son loves to get into the cats food/water so we shut the door when we need or block it. My son also likes to drop food off his tray and when this happens. I say NO you're all done and take his food. He has learned that if he wants to eat he can't drop his food. As for the mimmicing and finding it funny I'm at a loss. Maybe you're not firm enough. Show a bit of your anger/frustration in your voice. She will get the hint. By 2 I would put her in time out (1 minute per age) but for now maybe just remove her from the situation. HOpe this helps and good luck.

I believe she can understand timeouts. I've watched my sister-in-law do it with both of her kids from the time they were a year old. She's pretty even-tempered but after she's given a firm warning, if they did it again she placed them in t/o. She would sit them on a rug in their foyer for a minute. They would cry and scream but they would sit there. After the minute she'd get down to their level, tell them the behavior that was unacceptable and give hugs and it was over. I've watched her do this and have been amazed. She is very consistent which is the key. Your child might not sit still at first but if you keep putting her in t/o and don't give in, she'll get it. But you have to keep it up and again, be consistent! My kids were older than my sister-in-law's so I didn't have the benefit of watching her do it. I wish I had. I struggled like you with how to discipline at a young age. Good luck! It can be done!

R.
I would recommend the Positive Discipline: Infant to Toddler. They have other books for preschoolers and teenagers. I found them very helpful.
C.

You need to redirect at this age. When she gets into something you don't want her to find something that is appropriate for her to play with and give that to her. When she pulls hair or hits or anything though that you must address with a stern no. Get in her face with her looking right at you and tell her no not nice and then show her how to do nice. You can show her on yourself or with a doll or something like that. She's testing you. If it really gets out of control you can put her in her crib or some other safe place where she can't get hurt and will have to stay put for a minute and go back to her and model the behavior you expect from her.

What I would do (and have done with my kids at that age) is to say no firmly, and immediately remove them from the situation and redirect. If it's throwing food at a meal or snack, the meal or snack is over and they get removed from the table (with kids this young, it's not wait until the next meal -- they're too young for that -- 10 minutes is like a lifetime to them -- after that you can make sure they get enough to eat) Time outs may or may not work, depending on your child, but I don't like them. I think that the goal here is getting the behavior to stop, not punishing the child, particularly at this age.

I look at discipline as teaching rather than punishment and I don't use time out. DD is just about 3. 18 mos is such a baby. She is experimenting. Yes, she is doing "naughty" things over and over. She's only had 18 months of existence so of course she is testing testing testing. It takes a while to learn that if you throw your food it goes splat every.single.time. I think it is easier to deal with these behaviors constructively if we drop words like "naughty" and think they are doing it to us. They aren't. We are giving them motives they are too young for. It can put us in an us vs them stance and just makes us more frustrated.

At that age I used redirection and prevention. Even if they do get that it is something they are not supposed to do, they are unable to control the impulse to do something. The answer to the kid running in the street is not to put him in time out to teach him it is "bad." The answer is to make sure you hold his/her hand and don't give the opportunity to do it.

The glass table is a safety issue. DH has a scar from a glass table that cut his face as a child. I wouldn't have one in my house with a little one, but that's just my comfort level (we use ottomans). I was of the school of thought of babyproofing everything until she was of a stage where she could be trusted to not go there. But I know others are comfortable with a firm "No" about that stuff until she gets it at a young age. I'd be sure I was not overusing "No" for non safety things tho, so she really gets it.

DD was into the cat's dishes. I moved them up. Problem solved. Once she was able to control her impulse to get in there they were put back down. No need to continually punish her until she "got it." I just waited until she was at an age/developmental stage where she was capable of controlling her impulse.

Hitting, we didn't have a big issue with. They all do it and need to learn not to. I didn't use stern voice, I was matter of fact "we don't hit" or "gentle hands" and put DD down out of reach. If she wanted back up that was fine but if she hit again she was put down again. I never had to shame her or scare her with yelling for her to get the idea that hitting wasn't permitted. When she was in the food throwing stage (they all go there) I'd just say "oh you must be done" and took the food away. No big deal. She got over the stage.

I have used the matter-of-fact technique with most things. The stern voice or angry face or whatever can give them the idea that it is more important and it can make them stick to doing the behavior. I reserve raised voice and stern "No" for danger situations.

I am sure she thinks it is really funny when you cross your arms and say "Naughty." She is thinking that what she just did got a really cool reaction from Mommy, so she should do it over and over. Reminding of the rule with matter-of-fact voice is pretty boring.

Definitely your DH needs to not laugh if she is doing soemthing you want her to stop. Really sometimes this is difficult. But if he laughs she will learn to repeat repeat repeat and really putting your kid in time out for something that is okay sometimes is just not fair.

Now, I have a normal limit-testing about 3 yr old. She is not a maniac who won't listen to me. We eat out all the time, travel, go to people's houses, etc. So, there are other ways to do it than time out, it doesn't mean I am not setting limits and making expectations known. They get it when they are ready and with our help.

They do understand time out ... I think she is testing testing testing you to see what she can get away with and to see your reactions. They all do this and it is completely normal for them to test you. Keep up with the time outs and don't let them see you sweat! She will get it eventually and find that she can't keep doing what she is doing. It can be exhausting, but parenting is no easy ride. The most difficult part of being a parent is the discipline part. When she climbs on the glass table, tell her no, we don't climb, I will put you in a time out. If she doesn't listen, pull her off and put her in a time spot. Sit with her if you have to, hold her so she doesn't squirm out. Tell her she is in time out for climbing the chair. Keep doing this. It is all about consistency. It will have to happen over and over again. She is going to see if you mean business. We started time outs at 11 months old and my son knew exactly what I meant when I said ... do you want a time out? You don't have to try different things all the time, try one thing - time out - for an extended period of time. It may not work the first few times, but it is because they don't think you are serious yet. My son kept teasing my sister's dog and the simple time out didn't work, so I put him in his pak n play for a time out and when he came out he said sorry and didn't do it again. Constantly testing me to see what he can get away with!! best of luck!

this is a very frustrating age, however at this point they do understand right from wrong & they do understand time out. While others may not agree, we have been using time out with my daughter who just turned 17 months and its been working(she has an older brother who we also use time out with & started with him around this age too). The key to time outs is to give a warning to change her behavior & follow through with a time out if the behavior doesn't change. The first few times may take a while to get her to sit there for the full minute (1 minute per age), but if you're persistent it works...yes got this from Super Nanny & I swear by it. Best of luck to you!

I agree with the other suggestions to use time-outs. The other piece that I think is key in doing the time-outs is the parent staying calm and showing little emotion. I try to be firm and gentle but hide the anger and frustration. So much of the behavior at her age is testing to see how you react. A negative reaction is still a reaction and if you are angry she's still had some effect on you. If your response is calm and she's the one who has the consequence, it sends the message that the choice is hers- behave and no consequence, break the rules and consequence, you decide. (It's SO hard to do though!!!) I also think praising good behavior and giving lots of attention to positive things helps too, so that when there's misbehavior it gets no attention other than the consequence. (And after you or she says why there was a time out, give hugs to each other.) Good luck! It's so much easier to write about than to do!!

time to put your foot down, if she doesn't understand time out well she should start now. when she behaves like that take her to her room and tell her she has to sit there till u tell her to come out because she is being bad. she understand more than u think she does, at this age their testing their independence and seeing how far they can go with adult figure or just about anything. so yeah make her go sit in her room till she behaves, and every time she tries to come out put her right back(every time so she learns u mean business)and tell your husband that he shouldn't laugh at her actions because that just urges her to do it more to u like your the joke of the family. his laughing is what is probably causing her to do it more so that she can make daddy laugh, so tell him to stop. and also when you do decide that putting her on punishment in her room is the only way to teach her be consistent, and if she cries or pitches a fit let her it's the only way she's gonna learn that when mommy says no or mommy says be good, then she has to do what mommy says. if you let this bahavior go on because you feel punsihing her is wrong, wait and see she'll just get worse and worse. been there done that with my kids and now they know better.

Paula N is 100% right. At this age, your daughter is too young to control her impulses. She may know on some level that getting into the dog's dishes is wrong, but she is just too curious to stop herself.

I have two very active children (now 5 and 3). I found time-out to be fairly ineffective. In the way that most people use time-out, it is punishment instead of discipline. It addresses a specific behavior, and may correct the behavior over time, but it doesn't address the needs of the child or teach the child what to do instead. You might try a "time-in" instead -- giving your daughter more of your time when she is misbehaving rather than separating yourself from her by placing her in time-out.

You may want to think about setting your child up for success, rather than punishing her failures. If she is getting into the dog's food, move the dog's food. Retire the glass table until she is old enough to understand not to climb on it, or else gate off that room completely and give her a room in which to play that is as toddler proof as possible. When she is hitting the tv or computer, remove her from the situation and distract her. Or give her something that she can hit instead -- "We don't hit the tv, but we can hit this pillow or the floor." Setting your child up for success also limits the number of times you need to say "no." Children hear that word far too often.

Another thing to remember -- at this age, your daughter is learning that she is an individual, separate from you. She may need to have a little more control over the situations in her life. When my son was about this age, he wouldn't stay out of the garbage can. Rather than make the garbage can completely off limits, I started asking him to throw garbage away for me. He loved having this little responsibility, and he stopped playing in the garbage. If you can look for little situations where you can give your daughter more power, it may solve a few of your problems.

You might want to check out Sharon Silva's website Proactive Parenting at http://www.proactiveparenting.net/. She has a lot of really excellent tips on parenting toddlers and preschoolers.

A couple of other valuable resources are Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn and Between Parent and Child by Dr. Haim Ginott.

Good luck! This is a tough age, but it can also be so much fun!

Hi R.,
You know, my son is doing something similar, though not as many instances as you seem to be dealing with. Certainly, there is the game aspect going on here. I have tried two things. Option one is to say no-no, and I might say why, like "that hurts", or "danger" or maybe "uh-oh". I will give it three times, with pause between, then take him away from whatever it is. It is not a time out, as I am with him, and we go somewhere else together. This may lead to option #2 for me which is redirecting. Find something else that will draw her interest, as in "oh, I wonder if the mail is here?" or well, look out the window, there's a truck!, or find a toy, etc. etc., etc. You can redirect sometimes without even acknowledging the other behavior, too. Good Luck.