Is Teacher Overly Critical of 10 Year Old with Aspergers?

My Aspie is 19 now. I think that you might benefit from looking at this from the other side. I would not dismiss what the teacher says, instead, since it is a school based behavior, they need to deal with it at school. Has the teacher contacted the school counselor for help with this? Is it going to escalate into behavoir that will either lower his social status or result in referals for behavior issues? I would want to know the answers to all these questions, and I would want them documented in an IEP meeting, for his own good and protection. Unless there is a ton that you have already been through with the school, I would not file a complaint just yet. It is very common for kids to change at this age...the only thing that you have to complain about is that they have not asked you for your consent to evalaute and document the new behavior so that you know exactly what is going on, but I think that you can get that without shooting one over the bough by filing a complaint, which is one of the bridge burning actions that you cannot undo. If this teacher is full of it, an evaluation will show that too, and if she is not, then you need to know it. A complaint can be filed at any time, you have a full year-no more- so if there is a whole bunch of history that has lead you to feel like this is complaint worthy, everything that is more than a year old is mute now.

Even if the teacher is just being hard on him, then you need to get him a behavior plan that protects him from what comes next...meaning, that she is limited to only positive interventions if she sees something that she consideres to be a beahavior issue, if it is just a which hunt, then she will certainly not like all the ways she has to deal with it if it is well documented in a BIP, complaining about his behavior is not a positive intervention, so you get him what he needs, even if it is a teacher who will not over react to behaviors or make the situation worse by how they handle it. You should do this before she decides to punish him and you really are the one on the defensive; a BIP that documents the behavior and spells out how they handle it is a good thing for your son.

Second, if he is like many kids with aspergers, most I know really, he is entering a phase of life that will be very difficult for him, and even if he has had tons of therapy up to this point, he is going to need more to deal with what is coming down the pike. The upper elemetary and junior high years are rough, and I do not say that to scare you, it is just a fact of life with an aspie. It will be worse before it gets better (and IT DOES get better!)

Also, for boys, it is a vulnerable time. It is my expereince that aspie boys start being sent to the principals office and that their behavior is seen as a diciplanary issue increasingly from the age of 10 on. I see it all the time. Behavior that is a manifestation of his disablity needs to be documented early so that he does not go down the suspension, ISS, and police intervention slippery slope. I know it seems shocking that I would mention police, but, I have seen it, it happens, and it happens over silly things like you describe. You need to document it now. You need to make them write down how he acted like a bear. What did it look like? Why did he do it? How did he do it? I would protect him with words on his IEP and in evaluation data. Many fo the kids I help as an educational advocate have been teen Aspies...get this documented before he gets there. It is not fair, but it is very true, aspie boys are diciplined, aspie girls are patted on the head fo the same behavior...I have seen it myself. My aspie daughter has never had a trip to the principals office, though I know her behavior was identical to many boys who were facing ISS for exactly what she did on a regular basis. All the kids I help with BIPS are boys...almost 100%. Boys are threatening somehow, and they get spotted very quickly. Use that to your advantage.

Instead of therapy (I assume that they are suggesting cognative behavioral therapy, and if they suggest it, and think he needs it to be funcitonal in school, they should provide it...) but private social skills classes are very helpful for kids of this age with asperger. Not only will it help them, but they will meet a group of kids who they can relate to in a way that is very comforting to them. Sure, most aspies have met one or two kids along the way who share thier diagnosis and interests, but there is nothing like having a room full of them for the first time realizing that they have a place where they are free to be themeselves. My daughter still has freinds from this age, 9 years later, who she met in just this kind of setting. So, maybe "therapy" is not what the teacher should be saying, but he will need his social skills updated as he grows...just as you think you have it all figured out, it changes. That is the nature of aspie life. This time of life is hard on all kids, but aspies need to learn so much more...and they also need to learn self advocacy, and it is just a tumultious time.

This is a school issue...so put it in their court and use well place written words and evaluation data to get what you want (and then do what you need to do for him privately to get him the very best you can.) Ask for evaluation data about the behavior in the form of a functional behavioral assessment (FBA.) Get a description of the behavior, and an objective observer who counts the number of times the behavior occurs, as well as what happened directly before and after the behavior happend. If they are not willing to do that, then you have something that is not only complaint worthy, it is very specific and you have standing. Failure to evaluate is a serious issue.

I would go in to this IEP meeting and stroke the teacher for her terrific observations of your son's apsperger syndrome related behaviors. Then, ask for the FBA, so that her astute observations and deep concerns for your son's welfare can be measured appropriately. Tell them that you are ready to sign a consent to evaluate for an FBA, and you think that it needs to happen right away...and then say that you are ready to schedule the next IEP meeting to review the FBA and write a BIP with extensive Postitive Behavioral Interventions and Supports. Ask if the teacher feels like she needs some additional training from the school district to implement a BIP for a child with these behaviors, and if the training can be written into your sons IEP...it can be...support her in her effort to help your son. Make her feel like you are on her "team" even if you want to slug her. Ask for school based counseling. Ask for a psychological evaluation to verify that drawing animials is an appropriate replacement behavior, since they have already conceeded that this is a theraputic issue. Remember, issues they raise are their responsibly to evaluate...and they can only have IEP goals if they have evaluation data to back it up and measure progress by.

If you handle it this way, you are going to make it clear that they raised an expensive issue. If the teacher is blowing smoke, it is going to be costly, and you are either going to have evaluation that shows you that he needs help (which you should be ready for...it is coming!) or you have evaluation data that you can use to say, what are you thinking? He is fine. Maybe he needs a teacher who can see that...

If I were your advocate, that would be my strategy.

Smile.
Use thier expertise to your own advantage.
Get them on your side.
Stroke the teacher.
Get an FBA, a BIP, and psychological evaluation that shows the theraputic need and efficacy for drawing pictures, or alternatively, psychological testing that states exactly what will help your son be more functional in the school setting in social interactions.

Make them write it down. Anything they do not write down, send an email that day summerizing exactly what they said, and tell them that if they do not correct you in writing within ten school days, you will assume that you have summerized their statements accurately. If they say no to any of your requests, tell them that you require Prior Written Notice of thier refulsal that contains all the tests and measurements they used to make thier decision to turn you down. PWN is not your inviation to the meeting, if they say this, tell them that you still require PWN on that issue, and move on, then document that in a follow up email so that you get them on record as saying that they think PWN is your meeting invite.

Log on to www.wrightslaw.com and read about advocacy. FBA's BIP's and evaluation...PWN...these are tools that you can use right now to turn this situation around into something that could be quite helpful for your son.

M.

10 moms found this helpful

i think you are perfectly within your rights to be confident that you know your son best, and to help the teacher by working WITH her to understand and deal with him better.
anger and complaints won't help. she doesn't have it in for your son, she is concerned and acting within her official capacity as a trained professional to give your her observations and suggestions. of course you don't have to agree or to take them. but you are taking this personally, and you shouldn't.
if we're going to insist that our schools have IEPs, that they mainstream special needs kids, and that they have teachers designated specifically for these kids (all of which are Good Things) then we have to allow for the fact that all of these programs involve humans who are not perfect and who won't always see eye-to-eye with us. for the sake of the kids, it behooves parents to view these professionals as allies in their ongoing quest to give all kids the best education they can. placing them in a confrontational position, when it's extremely unlikely that's what was intended, just creates friction and unnecessary drama.
khairete
S.

7 moms found this helpful

I almost want to LOL here. When my aspie was in 4th grade, every conference went flawlessly until we got to playground behavior. In his case, it was more about not joining in with the other kids and pretending to play baseball all by himself.
This is NOT a matter of confusing fantasy with reality. Kids with Asperger's aren't quite that clueless! They just don't necessarily "play" the same way as the rest of their peers. The concern comes in when the other kids view it as "weird" and start to have negative reactions to it, which could *possibly* be something the administration is trying to get at without coming out and saying so.

Before making an official complaint, I'd come right out and ask if this is the real issue. If it isn't, these people need to educate themselves. If it is, you'll have to decide how you want to proceed.

(In my case, we chose to homeschool after that year. Once he's older, he'll just be another one of those "engineer-types", and nobody's going to pick on him when he's cutting their checks. ;-) )

6 moms found this helpful

Step back and consider what they are concerned about.

They are not willy nilly calling your son out. He has an IEP, but that does not mean he can behave on a constant basis a certain way and them not inform you. They have a class room full of other students and they do not want these behaviors to begin in the other children.

Be proactive not defensive. They are concerned for your son. Go and observe. Work with your son and see if YOU can get these behaviors under control.. Let the school know what you are doing on your own to help him.. See if YOU can offer a deadline for helping your son get past this behavior and if not maybe then you let them know you will take him back for therapy.. Otherwise he IS going to have a harder time with his peers.

My nephew has aspergers and like any type of condition, there have been a few times, he can not get past certain behaviors, with just the help of his parents. They dash him back to his therapist so THEY can also learn how to help him through the changes as he has gotten older. Hormones could be clicking in for him.. they could be showing themselves in his behaviors. He does not know how to adapt to them. Remember this is not the last time, his behaviors will cause behaviors that will need to be overcome. This is a lifetime and totally typical,. .

I am sending you strength.

6 moms found this helpful

before making a final decision on this, what about observing him on the playground? I truly believe it is the only way you can accurately judge what is happening. & there is absolutely no harm in observing without his being aware of it.....don't we observe our children in many different settings all thru childhood?

Make this an informed decision! Don't assume you "know" how your child behaves in every setting.....

5 moms found this helpful

I think the teacher and administration are actually trying to HELP your son, not accuse you of something.

However you know him best, ARE his parents and certainly have the right to refuse.

You certainly would not be admitting any harm doing by accepting their offer of help, but if you think they're WRONG, or you think for some reason more therapy is a BAD idea (?), by all means, don't do it. That's your right.

:)

4 moms found this helpful

Sounds to me like this teacher needs to go back to school:). I agree with you and I think her comment was not only rude but very unprofessional. If he actually drank mud I would be concerned but not because he pretended to in front of a couple of girls. Do you get the sense this teacher does not like your son? best of luck. I too have had rough years because of a less than professional teacher.

2 moms found this helpful

So sorry to hear this happened. Before I even read through this I was enraged. I am working in this environment and some of these teachers cause far too much worry for parents. It sounds rather fun and normal whatever age (believe me you should see all the things any middle schooler does in gym class or outside and they don't have to have therapy or aspergers. I think some of the teachers like all human beings get a little carried away.I am almost begging you to make a complaint to stop some of these people who feel justified doing this. Sitting and drawing during recess will not give yours or any child the exercise needed and unless the other children were hurt in some way what's the difference between throwing a ball around and screaming and making faces for some kids and running and pretending like he's a bear. Some will argue that that is fantasy, my observation is that most asbergers kids know the difference vell, that they are simply more intense than others on their thinking of things.The SPed teacher is probably covering him/herself for some reason. He/she should be applauding your child's interaction with the school population, his ability to make others laugh and have fun and the fact that he just plain old likes girls. Some of the teachers are too hard on themselves and therefore a little out of line to cover their own butts. Just my opinion.

2 moms found this helpful

I agree with Betsy. A LOT of kids pretend to be animals at recess. Lots of kids chase each other at recess. It's called being a KID. Same thing with pretending to drink the puddle to gross out the girls. Unless there is more to the story, and I think you need to ask them to be totally honest and ask them to give you more details as to why they feel a kid play acting an animal at recess needs to see a therapist. If he did scare the girls, then maybe he should be just asked not to go after them like that. Did he physically threaten them? Did someone make a complaint about his behavior? Would a simple directive not to chase them suffice? Yes, I would be irritated. I would email the special ed teacher CC the teacher and principal that you will not send a notebook or send him to therapy because there is nothing wrong with him pretending to be an animal at recess. If they still have concerns, will they please elaborate in more detail about what it is about his behavior that would cause them to make suggestions that seem to you and your husband to be premature. Maybe they are sugar coating something, and they need to lay it all out on the table, because you aren't seeing the issue in the same way.

2 moms found this helpful

Absolutely you are not wrong to make an official complaint. For one they can't make you do anything. I throw a hissy fit whenever they make my child stay in from recess, and drawing animals isn't exactly recess. My son also has mild aspergers. Luckily his teachers are VERY accomodating and his therapist is in contact with the school counselor and psychologist. This helps since his therapist knows 1st hand what goes on in school and the school psychologist also knows how to work with his behaviors. And no, pretending to drink from a mud puddle isn't horrible, had he pulled down his pants I can see that being a problem. But no, it just seems like something my son would do too and he knows the difference between reality and fantasy I think sometimes he just doesn't know what is always the right thing to do so he does the 1st thing that comes to his head and it may sometimes be a little immature for what other kids his age might do. I would agree with your counselor and if they aren't worried don't worry about it either. Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi A.,
I agree with several of the moms below, I would ask to observe the behavior myself (if you are able to) so that you can judge for yourself. It could be his behavior is quite harmless but it makes other kids uncomfortable and the staff doesn't want to just say that (as one of the moms stated earlier). If that's the case, I don't think aggressive therapy is called for. I've seen plenty of boys playing in ways that girls don't care for, but hey, that's the difference between girls and boys anyway, right? It does sound like he might be starting to get interested in girls and that's how he shows it. I know when I was little and began noticing boys I showed it by being mean to them hahaha. You are his parents, so don't let the school pressure you into a direction you don't want to go in. Good luck to you!

1 mom found this helpful

Hmmm, I would think you are right to be annoyed, but I wouldn't make an official complaint. I might have a face-to-face meeting and just say, "Look, we would like to see something a bit more serious than this before we take him back to therapy. We appreciate your concern and we're glad he has someone who is so concerned about him. And we aren't against taking him back to therapy, but we don't think these two incidents are cause for panic." And then give her examples in which he seems to very much distinguish between reality and fantasy. Sounds like something any 10 year old might do if they actually LIKED one of the girls in their class. My nine year old who doesn't have aspergers is known in his class for pretending to be a fighting bull and chasing everyone around (but esp. the girls).

1 mom found this helpful

I think this teacher need to go back to school too. She is a special aid teacher right, you would think she would be more understanding and work better with your son. Kids have a large imagination and like to play pretend at any age, even us as adults like to think we are someone or something else sometimes. My son loved playing pretend. I did thou use to go to the school during recess without the school or my kids knowing to see the interaction in the play ground not just for my kids but in general. If I so something that concerned me I wouldn’t tell my kids that I so them I would just talk about situation like what I so with out giving my self way. Now in days everyone is so worried about saying the wrong thing or offending someone. All this political correctness has as all uptight.
This is simple did the other teacher say something, did the other kids complain, did it look like your son could hurt himself, what???

1 mom found this helpful

I think they are totally overreacting here. To me, it sounds like normal behavior for a 5th grade boy. And even if it weren't, it was only two times and it's not like anyone got hurt. For them to say he needs therapy over that is a bit ridiculous.

1 mom found this helpful

As a parent of a soon to be 12 y/o with Asperger's, I can empathize with what you are going through. Eventhough our son is 11.5, he still plays games that peers his age wouldn't dare. Mentally, it's like he's still 7-8y/o. It sounds to me like your child is playing, imaginery play. Does his teacher have a problem with this type of play because he's in 5th grade now? It sounds to me like the teacher is over-reacting and doesn't understand Asperger's or your child. I agree that observation in that room for a week or more may be in order so that you can get a better understanding of what the problem really is or if there even is one to begin with.

Best of luck to you.
Peace & Light,
J.

I will start out by saying I don't know very much about aspergers. I know that the main issue is difficulty in social situations. I think that because he is showing interest in girls, which is totally normal, maybe the teacher feels he needs therapy to help him deal with those feelings appropriately. Scaring the girls is not okay. Should she have gone to the principal? I think she is obligated to if she is concerned. The worst form of communication is e-mail when dealing with this type of thing. Talk to her in person. Observing him on the playground is a great idea.

This is one of those things that makes me grind my teeth...when did we decide that 10 year olds had to grow up and be mature 24/7? He is 10...whether he has Asperger's or not he is 10 and it was recess...kids should be able to play and have an imagination and being the mom of a son who was once 10 I can say that "grossing out girls" is something that tickles their fancy ( pretending to drink out of a mud puddle)
I say that the idea of Suggesting your son needs therapy based on these two incidents would have had me up at the school and in someones face.
Yes, in answer to your question, I would be angry...I would say I would be down right pissed off, he is not my son and I am angry that there are such ignorant people out there. Of course I am coming from a position of having a special needs child myself and also having two nieces who are special needs, so I am used to being frustrated with people's ignorant reactions and responses. It is just why we all have to do our part to be the best advocates for our children that we can. I would request a meeting to discuss it ( tell them how you feel) and be done with it...the notebook idea? Tell them no thank you....my 10 year old still plays and pretends and I for one encourage her! To many people want kids to grow up TOO soon...if he were standing up on his desk in the middle of class pretending to be a bear then that would be one thing, but it was RECESS! Ugh, ok...so that was my two cents! ((hugs)) momma....hang in there = )

Hi A.! I don't have any experience with aspergers, but I do have two girls (ages 9 and 7). The younger one runs around our backyard for hours on end pretending to be a cat. I can hear the older one alone in her room talking in squeeky little voice, most likely pretending to be a hamster. I'm pretty sure they have a firm grasp on reality!! They both know they're not animals, and I have a feeling your son knows this too. Even I ran and jumped over logs and such when I was a kid, pretending to be a horse. I wasn't just pretending to ride a horse - I WAS the horse. And I did this until I was probably 12!! Just thought I'd give you my two cents :) Good luck with everything.

Oh, and I am a substitute teacher at my girls' school - I watch the kids play this sort of thing all the time.

The ONLY issue I see with his behavior is that it may be more typical of a 2nd grader, but it is NORMAL for a child with Aspergers to be behind in social skills. Rather than being concerned about a 10-yr-old boy showing off in front of the ladies, (like 20, 30, 40, 50, etc. yr-old men don't do the same thing??!!) I think the teacher, school, should be looking for the other children that could be enticing a boy that they see as "different" to do things that are inappropriate just to laugh at him.
Can you meet with the teacher, his caseworker, etc. to determine if there are multiple ongoing issues that need to be addressed? Can you ask for a plan that will help your son to learn social skills that won't set him up for ridicule as he goes into middle school and beyond? Drawing animals in a notebook sounds counter-productive to me.