Is Something Wrong with Me?

I wasnt as young when i had my oldest but i have to admit we did a lot of growing together... I wasnt ready to be a mom and had no idea what i was doing. If it wasn't for her i'm not sure where i would be. I also have another daughter that i was more prepared for and had caught on to motherhood by then. I too feel closer to my oldest, i think we all do. That's the child we made most of our mistakes with we learn the most from. while the youngest still has a lot to teach us as well you always share a lot more firsts with the oldest its hard to get past but in the end if something where to truley happen to your son i think..i know you would cry just as hard as if it were your daughter. My mom tried to explain it to me when i was younger...i am the youngest... when they get older he will notice more he may take it to heart or he may just think its because he's a boy, but he will understand the day he has his first kid...its the circle of life...there is no way to understand as a child that mom and dad love us both but feel closer to the oldest which isnt it at all...its something that can never really be explained with words but know in your heart he will one day understand and that is when you will truley have made your connection i know that's how it happened for me and my mother. your not a bad mom and i can promise you are soooooooooo not alone in that!!

A.,

I think what the other moms have said is right on target. The only things I would add:

1. Don't be afraid to seek professional help if you can't get past this. It may only take a couple sessions, but it could be really helpful.

2. Remember that you are "wired" to worry about your daughter, and miss her and all that. Your relationship with her was formed in the fire, to use a metaphor. Your relationship with your son, however, was made in the meadow! So much less pressure and worry -- you've not been wired to stress over his every move, because you have a partner now, and I bet big sis is a big help.

When it comes down to it, I bet you're crazy about both your kids, just in different ways. You're in my prayers as you work through this.

I know what you mean. With the not connecting with your son. I have a little boy too. He is the second child also. I wanted him very much but when he got here it just wasn't what I was thinking it would be. He cried all the time, things took longer, he didn't do the same things the way his sister did and I wasn't able to handel him the same way. I had a really hard time with him not being the same as my daughter. Who was easy, slept when she needed to sleep ate when she needed to eat and so on. I began to resent him. I always said that he was the hard child. He just needed something more and I wasn't able to figure it out. But I started to spend some one on one time with him and it didn't happen over night or over year but we are a lot closer now. I would read him stories with just him and played with him when it was just the two of us.He still is very much a daddy's boy. And that's ok. Sometimes little boys are different, and need to be treated different. I remember when he was three and I would tuck him into bed and he would tell me NO KISSES MOMMY! and I couldn't kiss him. He lets me kiss him most of the time now if not I just steal one or two. It takes time to get to know someone. and your kids aren’t any different. My son is a very loving little boy now. He has gone though some changes from shy to out going. I wish you luck if you ever need someone to talk to let me know. I would be happy to talk to you. If you think it might be more you may want to talk to your Dr. And see if there is something else going on. And sometimes it ok just to cry. At least you know you do love him other wise it wouldn't hurt so much.

remember you went through a very tough time with your dau. and made it. That's going to mean something. It doesn't mean that you'll not have a bond like that again. If you think about life, things we have had to work the most for, are the greatest rewards and thus hold special places in our hearts & minds. You don't have the stressors now, that you had with your dau. so you aren't having to worry about that now. Your actually luckier, you get to focus on the playing and doing good things with your son. First kids, we do tend to "overprotect" because we haven't done it b4. kids after that tend to have more freedoms, less strictness, because we're wiser.

I have three boys. I had my oldest when I was 21 (on my 21st birthday) and a single mom. He is just like me. My second is CRAZY! Full of energy, loves sports, etc. He is more of a daddy's boy. I may not hang out with him and he may prefer daddy's lap over mine but it doesn't mean I don't love him. He is just a daddy's boy and my oldest is a mommy's boy. My youngest is too young to figure out just yet. He just loves to smile and laugh right now so we will have to wait and see. Also, when your daughter was born it was just you two, no one else to lean on but each other. A tighter bond is made in situations like that. We took in my 15 year old niece after a HORRIBLE family break down and we bonded within weeks! (I beleive it is because it was her mother she lost at the time...my brother was step dad. Her mom went a little crazy.) She now refers to us as her parents even though she lives with her dad now and we have always referred to her as our daughter. I'm not sure how I may feel to a girl if I had one of my own.

Well, I feel really bad for you and I totally understand what you are going through. I had a great pregnancy, delivery, and first year (for the most part) with my first daughter. Then with my second one I had problems pretty much the whole first eight months. I thought...this couldn't possibly get worse. The delivery was a nightmare and I didn't feel connected to the process at all, then when she was born I held her, but I didn't feel the NEED to, you know? She is a very difficult child, she cries all the time and I just don't know what to do about it. Then, I know this sounds crazy, she got a really bad cold about a week ago and I just sat with her. When she cried I got her, when she wanted to play I played with her, I know that I can't do it all the time, but for the first time I think she realized that I was going to be there for her. Now, she cries Ma-Ma not Da-Da and she smiles sooo big when I get her from daycare. I don't know what happened, but something just clicked, I don't know if it was so much her as it was me. I have also started college again and I think the "me" time has helped with the stress and patience level. I don't know what advice to give you, just that you are not alone. "This too shall pass!" Good luck! If you ever need to chat my email is ____@____.com, I also have messenger for msn and hotmail. Just let me know!

A....
Look at all that you and your daughter have gone through in 8 years. It is no surprise that you have a far better and tighter bond with her. It is only natural. In your heart and in your own way, you also love your son, too. I think you just need time ALONE with HIM. No husband, no daughter around. This might not be easy to do with both adults working and so forth, but I truly think you NEED to do this. Spend time with JUST HIM. And if that doesn't create some sort of bonding, then I think you need to seek some sort of counseling to deal with this. Your son needs you too, and small children can truly sense when a parent isn't connected with them. Have faith...keep confident...

My only advice is to make sure you spend one on one time with your son. Learn what he loves to do, what his favorite things are etc. Even though it may take work on your part, your relationship will be better for it.
Have you ever read "Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman? An excellent book, there is also one on kids. Maybe that will help you find a connection with your son. Or at least then you will know what makes him feel loved.

I agree that you probably need to see someone, you sound very stressed out and it will be a wonderful thing for you. As for your situation, no your not a bad parent, you are a normal typical second time around mom. Yes it sounds horrible, but you have been there, done that and got the T-shirt. The second time around is much easier because you have seen it all before. Also remember you were a very very young mom and you busted you butt off to make a life for you and your daughter AND it was you and her against the world, literally, so yes you have a more special bond with her then your son. Does this mean you love him less? NO. He probably has a different personality then your daughter and doesnt need you as much as maybe she did as a baby. Remember each child is going to be different, like each pregnancy. My son is laid back and somedays I would forget he was around. Yes I felt bad too, because he didnt need me as much as I had seen some other parents. People would say, you must be tired or how busy I must be, but I wasnt. He slept thru the night as soon as we came home from the hospital and need very little attention. I would read a book or watch a movie and realize that it was past supper time or whenever and he need to be fed. He rarely reminded me. Then I had my second child, my daughter who is now 2. She was colicy, so we didnt get hardly any sleep. She couldnt nurse, so I tried to pump and feed her, but ended up formula feeding her. She has more spunk then my son and requires a lot more attention then him, even now. My third daughter is still a baby, and she seems to have the same personality as my son, though more often then not, she reminds me that she is here. I also know from growing up with 2 siblings, that parents have a tendency to favor one, its natural especially if they have the same personality as the parent. Its not easy being a parent, but its well worth it down the road. So relax, let life happen and try to get some help. I think UND would have a program where the students getting their degree offer help at cheap or even free rates to people in need, if you cant afford one. Or if you go to church, your pastor would help, or sometimes jobs offer free counsiling for their employees. Good Luck! And remember you a great mom who is human and alive.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you. It may take you longer to find your bond with your son. I feel closer to my oldest than I do my youngest. My youngest and I weren't able to bond. I wasn't able to breastfeed him. In fact, he didn't eat at all for the first three days and after that only a little at a time. He was very ill with strep B and I almost lost him. I just make sure I give him more attention than my other son. No, I don't mean more, I mean different. See, my oldest likes it when I walk by and touch his head or rub his cheek. He says I love you a lot more than my youngest. My 7 and 1/2 year old doesn't like to be touched or kissed and he rarely says I love you. So with him, I have to show my love in a different way. There is a great book out called the Language of Love. I don't know who wrote it but it tells how different people show and recieve love in five different ways. It helped me a lot. Check it out. and don't beat yourself up about your feelings for your daughter. Circumstances were different for the two of you than with your new family. Good Luck!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel for you. I had my oldest at 16 I understand that bond and what you went thru. All bonds with your children will be different. And you will love all your kids in different ways. Its ok that you feel this way. Your son knows you love him. Maybe try setting some time aside for just you and your son. Thats what I had to do when my second daughter was born. It really helped me. There is nothing wrong with you!