Is RSVP a Thing of the Past?

Hi H.,

When I really care about the number I don't send invitations - I call the parents directly (the same as if I was planning a playdate or sleepover with one kid). Then after I confirm, my daughter takes invites to the girls so they feel special or whatever.

If I don't care about the number (ie the year the party was at a park and all the food that was leftover could be frozen) then I don't even ask anyone to RSVP.

RSVP actually means repondez s'il vous plait or respond please. So you are correct that people are expected to respond whether they are coming or not.

Search for other posts on this question. The vast majority of the mothers think it's rude not to rsvp. There are a couple who say "I'm just too busy" bc I guess they're much more important than the rest of us who must be sitting around eating bon bons all day in order to have the 20 seconds it takes to rsvp. So I'm with you and yes, I drop people who don't rsvp. They're too busy to respond? Must be too busy to ever attend so why bother! I would assume a couple of kids may show. At one party, that happened and I made a point to say in front of the other mothers that I didn't have a goodie bag for Suzy bc they didn't rsvp. Then I magically found one as I didn't want the girl to suffer. I also fortunately ran into one mother the day before and said "oh, sorry Mary wont' make it" and she gasped and remembered she hadn't rsvp'd. But Mary wanted to come... I said ok. So out of the 7, I'd assume 3-4 show to be prepared but I'd be ready with a comment to their mothers... "Oh! I didn't hear from you so didn't think Bobby was making it!" Said nicely but at least makes some point.

Added: I've used Evite and even then people can't take a minute to click! And Evite sends reminders etc.

Hi H.,
Judging by the previous posts on this same subject matter, yes, it seems that RSVP manners are pretty scant these days. It breaks my heart to read the posts about 1 child showing up for a party where 15 where invited! (yes, that's been on here, too). I don't have any true advice, except to say that I've had a lot of success w/ Evite because it's so simple to just click yes instead of calling, I guess. My personal opinion is that when people don't know you personally (as may be the case w/ your child's classmates parents), they don't feel obligated to respond. I don't know why that is, but it's sad.

I don't think that since they didn't respond it means they aren't coming because people post on here about having people show that haven't bothered to call and say that they are beforehand. So it really leaves the party giver in a pickle. I'm sorry!

You are correct! Did you specify the rsvp date and you cell #? Sometimes it's just easier, especially working moms to text or email than call. Your Email address on the invite is very helpful also. I go through this all the time, those less organized never RSVP. I always have to call those who didn't RSVP and say " did you get my invitation? I hope you are coming to our party, I need a final head count to confirm the food, cake and favors, games etc."

The very cool online invitation site is www.evite.com everyone can access on their phone, iPad, email. And it shows you if someone had read it and it also gives the quest reminders etc. There is also a thank you card follow up. It's a little bit impersonal, but perfect for low key events, extremely
efficient and saves a lot of time and money. If there are any last minute changes from your end or the guest, you can send out a message, update your party info etc.

RSVP stands for: "réspondez, s'il vous plaît" which means "please reply." I don't know what to tell you of their intentions because I'm not a mind reader but, if you have their email/phone number or see them, please ask them if they will be attending.

No, manners are not out of style. Some people choose not to use them, that's all. Just like writing "thank you notes" seem to be a thing of the past, the important thing is that you choose to teach your child manners because it will take them farther later in life.

Oh H. I totally agree with you. I guess you will need to call or email the ones you have not heard from.

The only way we can get people to continue to have and follow manners is to use our own manners at all times and teach our children.

Unfortunately an appalling amount of people make excuses.. if you go back over older posts there a ton that moms make excuses about forgetting, changing plans at the last minute, thinking RSVP's are really not needed or expected.

I do special events.. What I suggest to my clients is to "Breast Feed the guests". Evite, US mail and a phone call.. These are the ways to find the answers. You have to literally put it in their mouths to get them to answer.

Teach your children to RSVP to the invites they receive as soon as they know if they are attending and then attend. Or Decline and let the person know you all regret you cannot make it.

I was going to say the same thing as WindyCityMom. It is so unfortunate that it has come to this, because it won't work for expensive events like weddings. Sure people are busy, but it boils down to caring and not being lazy.

I've also had the same problem as you. I invited about the same amout of kids that you did and only had 4 RSVP! I had stated in the invitation "please RSVP by_" and set the deadline as well. Out of the 4 that did RSVP, one did so after the deadline. Those that didn't RSVP - one ended up showing up! So you just can't win. I ended up with tons of extras - cake, goodie bags, etc. so it was very frustrating. For the next party, I did the same as you only invited the girls who had RSVP'd and guess what? they RSVP'd again :0)

I don't think there is anything wrong with calling and putting them on the spot - say something like "I know you're probably busy and forgot to RSVP but I need to know if _ is coming or not before I buy the party supplies". I wish I had done because I shelled out a lot of money just to have very few girls show up.

I even had a close friend send out wedding invites and not get very many RSVP's and then have more than the RSVP'd guests show up. So it happens for small parties as well as large events.

Just wanted to say that I so feel your frustration!

i'm sooo with you!!!

It seems that RSVPs have been one of those "manners" that have been put to the way side...pretty sad, eh?

I don't like to assume - but I would not call and assume they are coming..so you can be prepared...most places will not charge you for the ones that did not come..

GOOD LUCK!!!

This drives me nuts too. I get what some of the other mom's are saying especially if it is up to the young child to get it to the parent. However, anyone who has had a party should know how hard it is to have no idea what number are showing up. In addition, it puts you in a tough spot with your young child explaining that the child in question may or may not be coming or why so and so was not at the party.

No one responds to RSVP's, statistically that is, less than 50% will even notice that the letters are on there and they forget anyway. I say just have the party, plan for the number you invited and have fun. If they don't show up then you'll have extra cake, if they do the you have the right amount of everything. I don't even add the RSVP, I just tell the if they can come then come on, if not then we'll miss them.

I think that people don't know what to do with RSVPs but I think that doesn't mean to give up on them. I have always followed up after the deadline if I've heard NOTHING from someone and I need a headcount.

I think a lot of people think RSVP means to call only if you are coming and it doesn't. It means respond, please. So either way, you should RESPOND to the invite.

My uncle never responds and his wife is flakey. It was too hard for a grown man to check a box and put a card in a pre-stamped, pre-addressed envelope for my wedding. But my sister (at the time not really speaking to me) had the smarts to do it. Some people....

I also hate it when people say they'll come and you wait and wait and nothing. Kids with no one at their parties. People waiting to start a meal when the person changed their mind. How hard is it to call or email? Really. If my uncle's wife can post on FaceBook 50 times a day, she can send a note saying she won't be at the baby shower.

Edit: even Evites need to be followed up on but you can send a blanket message to all invitees. Just don't wait to follow up. Friend found out that the daycare person who was supposed to send out the email to the kids in her son's class (privacy issues) messed up the mother's email address and forgot the phone number so no one COULD RSVP! Only 2 kids came, and they were friends notified through FaceBook.

RSVP is short for répondez s'il vous plaît, which means: Please respond.

Yes, lots of people don't reply. I think it is from lack of knowledge due to lack of teaching by parents.

I would not count on those who don't respond to not show up. I had guests not tell me they were coming to a function I planned, yet they had already booked rooms.

The truth of the matter is many people do not RSVP. I like to assume that people are not trying to be rude, and that usually the invitation just got buried in a pile of papers or not removed from a backpack. For most people, if they do not RSVP right away, they will not RSVP at all. With that said, I would assume no response means they are not coming. I usually try to have enough supplies for a couple of surprise people at the party in case someone does show up that I didn't expect. Unless you are having a party that absolutely requires a headcount (e.g. you need to reserve a space and pay in advance), I would try to go with the flow. Good luck!

I try to attend as many events as I can, so I always RSVP. It depends on who I am RSVPing to if I am unable to make it. If I am close with the person, I give them my regrets, but if I do not know them, I do not reply. I apologize for any rudeness in that. I never understood how important it was to respond to a RSVP even if I couldn't go, until I read this post. Thank you, mamas.

I tend to email all the moms to find a date that most can make it and then we send out invites by mail. We have small parties since my kids prefer them so it is essential to pick a date most can make it.
PS: when I did used to do larger parties and send invites (the whole class at one of those bouncy house party places) we sent them 3 weeks in advance and asked to RSVP by a certain date, about a week before the event. Still some folks just showed up at the party, no RSVP, no email, no comments as to why, and we had to order extra pizza's on the spot to have enough lunch for everyone. I found it thoughtless if not rude, but since I did not want to be rude back I just had to accept it.

What I would assume - truthfully - is that SOME of these invites never made it out of the child's backpack. Or even got into their backpacks. My normally very responsible daughter once embarassed me quite severely by handing me an invitation a day after the party had already happened. But I had to realized - she was only 5 years old and generally did take responsibility for things, and who hasn't forgotten something every once in awhile. So for those who haven't responded, I usually try to reach them again with a "Did you ever get the invitation?" question. Still - you'll have those parents who did get and just are not going to respond. But some just may never have got it.

R is for respond, not regets. I don't know if they are rude on purpose or just over the moon busy, but a follow-up phone call to the hold-outs may be in order. It is more work for you, but will allow you to properly plan as well as "remind" the parents of courtesy. As the kids get older you can put more of the responsibility with your birthday host and her friends, but this is not the age to teach 5 y/o a lesson by not having enough food or goodie bags :) What a pain in the butt for you. Hope the party goes well for you and your daughter!

People who don't RSVP drive me nuts. It is only polite to let a hostess know if you will or will not attend, not that hard.

I've had parties where I had to lock in a number of people 3 days in advance and still have not heard from people. I'm talking parties that were $30 per person and I have 100 invitations out. I got on the phone and called people and asked if they were coming or not that I was locking in my number for the party.

Sometimes people were embarrassed by this and I got the "oh I am so sorry, I thought little Susie told your daughter she'd be there".

I have the same issue with thank you notes. It is not that hard to teach a child good manners. Write a thank you note.

I agree with you and it drives me crazy. I would hate to not have enough for everyone but I also don't think it is fair for the added expense of buying extra only to be wasted. We have a big family and some assume I "know they are coming" while others assume that I "know they aren't coming" if they didn't reply. I am NOT a mind reader.

Manners and consideration are NEVER a thing of the past. But apparently, common sense and courtesy are!

Respondez - Respond, Please. That's 2 years of highschool french for ya!
I'd have to say, yes, rsvp is over, unless for really formal events. We use a phone tree when planning things. It's usually just close friends and family that are invited. I call, or text, tell them what we're doing and they say, yes no or I'll let you know. Then news spreads among family members. If plans change they call or text me back. If I were inviting the whole class - I would never invite the whole class! I would expect maybe 1/3 would show up. If I have leftover stuff, no biggie.