Is My Son in Trouble Because His Part-time Caregiver Is Too Lenient?

Wow, this is one is a little tough. First of all, how lucky is your son? You obviously care about him a lot and understand how important structure, boundaries, and routine are to his young world. My feelings are, if you yourself are asking the question, "Should I talk about this?", that you must know on some level that what is happening with Uncle is having an effect at home, to some degree. THe sticky part is how to bring up the subject gently with Uncle without making him feel bad or worse, to feel any blame. I'd begin by telling Uncle the truth- You and your wife are so lucky to have someone to trust to care for your son each day! How priceless is that?! I'd express how thankful you are to have his care and let Uncle know you appreciate all he does. Then I'd turn to the issue. I'd express it from what you are noticing at home with your son (that takes Uncle out of the relm of blame, to some degree). I wouldn't speculate about what he may or may not be doing that could be the "connection" as you put it. Perhaps you could mention that you are working with some new discipline approaches at home and one of the things you read about is the imporatnce ob being consistant and avoiding power struggles. Then, maybe you could give him some examples of things you are working on at home (ie setting limits/ transitioning from one activity or person to another smoothly/whatever else). I've read a lot by Jane Nelsen and LOVE her "Positive Discipline" website. I'd go there and look for solutions to some of your issues and then, when you talk to Uncle, you gan give examples of things that sound like they'd work with your son. I find that when we are specific about what we want and expect, others are better able to understand what we'd like them to do. Since your friend is so great with your son, he must care and want to "do right" by him. If this is the case, I am sure he'd love to be "on board" with whatever will work to make your son's 2-year-old world more predictable, stable, and with the boundaries to make it the best it can be. Good luck!
-A.
ps- typing this with a baby on my lap so please excuse any typo's. pps- I use Positive Discipline with my almost 4 year old and it is incredible!! Google it and I promise you'll be so glad to read what Dr Nelsen has to say! Invest the time now to learn about it and you'll save time later by putting an end to the power struggles. Trust me on this :)

Of course you should talk to him about this issue. Children need consistency. if your child is calling the shots with your neighbor then of cours he's going to call the shots with you and your wife. I have a 5 year old son and 6 months experience watching other children. Kids need discipline from a very young age. The earlier the better. I would certainly encourage you to speak with your neighbor and work out a plan of action for your precious son. He will most certainly learn to behave and respect his caretakers once both of you sit down and work out a plan. The key here is that the discipline must be the same at your house and at your neighbors house. If it is not exaclt the same your child will be confused and not learn how to behave. good luck. Hope this helps. Be strong!! Kids can be very persistent. You just have to break the chain of bad behaviour. Contact me if you need any more adice.

yes, you are in trouble. You need a firm hand with him, period. You are doing NO ONE favors with this kind of care.
Joins a MOMs club - it is easy, costs $25 a year & is set up within your zipcode, so your support system is right around the corner.

I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, so I know a thing or two about these things. Not to metion I am currently dealing with the discipline of my 18 month old. You most definately need to have a conversation with the Uncle. A break for Mom is great, but at what expense, if your child does not listen when you two have him, that is double work. It is very important for all the consistent caregivers to provide the same parenting techniques. You need to have a sit down discussion and explain all of this gently. If this is not something he wants to do I would advice less breaks for Mommy with the Uncle. A few breaks is better than none. With all this being said you must remember to stay consistent in your home and not give into the whining and tantrums, otherwise it does not matter who else your child spends time with. Try reading Happiest Toddler on the BLock and Magic 1-2-3. They are bothe very good Parenting books. Remember it starts at home. Good Luck!

Hello A. ,

I'm a mother of two boys . Six year old & 2 year old . I'm the diseplenary . I undestand you and your wife are very greatful with this friend watching your son . But you most set the boundaries and talk to her . Talk to her and tell her your concerns . If she is a good friend she would undersatnd. When I visit my brother-in-law / sister-in-law I tell them what my boundaries are . Very diplomatic though . One thing I can't tolerate from a child is a
" Brat " & misbavior . Kids are kids and they are going to do things . BUT there is a place & time for everything. EI : My Two year old is the wild one , for example I talk to him explain that what he did was not right , so he will sit in the nutty Chair , It works ( Well so far ). My suggestion communication . Remember he is your child and you are the Parent . Good Luck keep me posted . Happy Holidays .

~ A. Suarez

Maybe you could recommend to your neighbor a book that follows your philosophy or an article that would reinforce that children need boundaries and consistency and consequences for unacceptable behavior.

Hi,
I have two boys 5&7. A little structure in his day where he gets a good 21/2 hr nap might help. Try to make it around the sametime everyday, this would give your wife her much needed break and make you less dependent on your neighbor. We often for get that parents are the guides and leaders of children and not the other way around. If children knew what was best for themselves they would hardly need us! Gentle discipline is a good idea. Mommy and daddy decide what is acceptible and what is not. Allowing a child to always have his own way may create future difficulties.

L.

The Uncle is probably to lenient, because it isn't his child. Which means he is afraid to hurt your sons feelings and doesn't want to hear him cry. Does the Uncle have any children himself? Because if he doesn't he probably doesn't know that not putting your hand down when your child is bossy as you say, is a bad thing. Next time the Uncle is over to play and your son says "Uncle no leave the Uncle should leave. Tell him nicley that you are having trouble with him bossing you and your wife around and yu are trying something new. If this means putting up with a temper tantrum you may have to. I have 3 children and I have gone through this all 3 times. Unfortunetly you have to use the tough love approach at your home, and discuss the problem with him. You never know he may understand and want to help you out.
As for your wife, we were in the same situation as you are. When we moved here from Canada we were pretty much alone. I joined the MOMS Club, met some great ladies in some in the same situation no family. They have become our family, we take turns watching each others kids. It might be something to think about. We all ask for advice and we all give advice. Maybe with a new group of moms they can help you out as well. I know since I joined the MOMS Club they pretty much saved my sanitity.
Good Luck and I hope this helps a little.
C.

I most definitely believe there is a connection between "uncle's" leniency and your son's bossy behavior. I have seen children with serious behavior problems which were caused by this kind of "no boundaries" caregiving. I would recommend having a talk with "uncle" educate him on setting boundaries with your son. It will really benefit your child in the future! Hope this helps...J.

let your wife have her break, lol!
no, really, toddlers/kids know who is who & what to expect from whom...
if you and your wife agree on the 'rules' (also referred to as routine and ritual below)and react pretty much the same way (again, everyone is different & smart kiddo knows this!)and react CONSISTANTLY the same way, then personally I think you're fine.

I highly recommend this link, and all the other links from it (menu on the left)
http://joanneaz_2.tripod.com/positivedisciplineresourcece...

I also highly recommend the book Magic 1-2-3
it's a quick read & really, after skimming it you'll 'get' it...

I say that routine (& ritual) is VERY important for you & your wife to have in the house- routine & ritual- to help your son know even more what/when to expect from you, etc. This goes hand in hand/overlaps with 'rules,'
like when you come in the house, you take your shoes & socks off, put the shoes by the door, etc (this is a routine, a ritual, a rule...)

or like in my house my son can only eat at the kitchen table or at the coffee table in the family room if he's sitting in his little giraffe chair- no 'grazing' (no wandering around the house eating, no eating on the couch, etc)

more: night time routine/ritual
this could be dinner, bath, books & milk, songs & rocking, sleep- whatever it is that you do in your house. It should be pretty much the same thing every night so that he 'knows' what to expect...you can do this around other 'times' and 'events' - that's why I say routine & ritual and not 'schedule' - because it's not a strict thing, just an order of events, etc...

all of this rambling to say that I think it's fine that others have their own way of being with your child; at the end of the day you are his parents & you RULE :-)

~L.

A. please don't take offense to this, it just what I think. You are the parent he is the child, simple as that. You can't always reinforce the environment your child is in, but the house is where you can. I've learn this with my cranky almost three yr old, letting it go will only cause more work down the road. So have a chat with the guy, not a ruff one, but ask him, "Hey we are having difficulty with "Johnny", is he showing you any of these patterns of misbehavior?" Then explain what you want done as a way of stemming the problem. If he objects, then it would be time to cut him loose. The point is that everyone who helps his growth (personal and physical) needs to be on board.

Good Luck!
Jen