Is My Marraige Falling Apart???

Try telling him what you need. If you need a weekend without the baby, then set up a grandparent's weekend (or aunt's or uncle's, etc.). If you need to feel sexy again, let him know. It's not as hard for men to sexually recuperate after a baby as it is for women. Try talking to him without blaming him ("You need to do this...") because that will only make him feel attacked and he'll get defensive. Make it more about what you feel, want, need ("I feel/need/want you...) which, hopefully will make for a more pleasant conversation, than a fight. i hope my advice helps.

Hey girl i have been right where you are and i am 24, you say you have depression well even some pills may work for depression but the side effect is no sex drive. You say she is 13 months are you post pardum depression i was on celexa for mine and had no sex drive. When i weened off the celexa i got on progesterone cream and st johns wort worked like a charm

Do you exercise? Try going to www.sparkpeople.com It is a healthy lifestyle change type of site. FREE the only kind I like. I've never really been depressed but my husband and I have fought for 11 yrs about being intimate. I could totally live my life without it and he can't. But I find that exercising and eating better have helped me to feel better about myself and my energy level in general. Also we use certain things in the bedroom that will help to satisfy my needs that I didn't really know that I had until we started using the extra help.
Hope this can help you a little.

Jen

I have heard that the drugs for depression normally cause people to lose their sex drive. You need to have a kiss and make up session - tell him how you really feel. He needs to know you love and respect him. Of course it is h*** o* him not getting what he wants. Send me a message and I will send you a sample of a product that might help you a little, I would like to see if it helps you.

Dear S.,
My husband and I have been where you are. Thankfully we are in process of healing our past and changing our habitual cycle of me not wanting to have sex and him needing it. Our only hope has been Christ Jesus, and a wonderful Counselor from our Church, who met with us for free and regularly. It was one year ago that my husband and I were just shattered and broken in our marriage. We are young too, 29 and 27 with 2 kids and one on the way. But, God can/does restore and heal. We now enjoy intimacy and I don't hate/despise having sex anymore, and he doesn't suffer from waiting in bitterness and anger. It can change. It should change. Men need us and we need them. If you would like to know more about my story please write. Thanks and I hope you look to the One true Healer, Christ. C. B.

I've also been married four years. We have a 3 1/2 year old girl and a six month old boy. After both births, it was difficult for me to get back into our sex life. We are still working on it. We have been seeing a marriage counselor to discuss these issues in our marriage. Sometimes you just need another objective opinion and listening ear. Do you also have some girlfriends you could talk these thing over with? That always helps. And continue talking to your husband. Open communication is the best thing for a marriage.

Question for you: did this start after your daughter was born? You might want to try an herbal supplement (for the sex life part). I will usually try herbs as a remedy for many things, but I haven't tried any for depression. I recommend "Woman Power" by Dr. Michaels. I don't think GNC carries his line (I buy it at a small health food store near my house) but I have even ordered off his website before. Website is michaelshealth.com.

Good luck. Email me directly if I can answer any questions about this product. I didn't want to be too explicit on an open forum / message board.

C.
email: ____@____.com

I hope no one takes what Im going to say in a negative way b/c this is how it is for me and I dont expect anyone else to like or approve. I ask you to just not care. This advice is something you can choose to acceept or not w/e's right for you. Now, me and my husband have been together now nearly 10 yrs, first got together when I was 13 and he 19. I married him at 15 and somewhere down the line we got into having an open marriage. I know that word scares alot of people but that is just something we chose together sexually and something we rarely even do..you find yourself talking about it more than actually doing it. Anyway dont think that "open marriage" solely means that u are out cheating on ur spouse...some choose to make that as an excuse To cheat but its a poor one. But it HAS to be based on trust and respect...if you abide by those 2..just those 2 then its highly successful. But most dont tend to make it through this phase ,which is what it is..my husband and I are slowly growing out of it..mainly cause theres no excitement anymore and we seem to enjoy just each other than other people..kinda homebodies. Anyway just something I threw out there..doesnt have to be something you do. Gl marriages should be taken more seriously with honesty and respect, and the word divorce shouldnt even be an option.

My marriage was definitely falling apart. But it wasn't just the lack of sex, it was the lack of money. Before we had kids we had a pretty good sex life. However, I was gradually becoming less active because of the stress I was under about money.

I have three kids, ages 3, 2, and 7 mo. It is a wonder that I have three kids being that I rarely have the urge to have sex. Most of the time I just did it to get him off my back for a while. I got to the point that I hated it because I felt like it was another job in addition to the three I already had, not counting the kids as one job.

I, too, suffer from depression but have not gotten on any medication. My depression didn't come from having children, more like life circumstances, Family deaths and a failing marriage. Even though we are back together and we are doing okay, even though he is not working, I still find myself getting into those emotional states that make me tired all the time, not wanting to eat, crying about every little thing, and even short tempered sometimes.

I read most of the responses to your request. I agree with the exercising. It has made me feel a lot better and have more energy. I also recommend finding someone to talk to, counseling. I talked to my Preacher at church for a while there, it made me feel more confindent about myself. I felt like it had lifted some weight off of my shoulders.

Life is tough on us, and it effects us emotionally. We, as women feel like it needs to be fixed. Then men try to make you feel worse about the way you already feel. Try to make you feel like there is no reason for your current feelings. They do not try to understand you, they only understand that things are not the way they want them to be. Like getting sex on the regular.

I hope that you can find a way to get through all of this in one piece. If you want your marriage to work through this, your husband needs to get emotionally involved and you both need to go to counseling, if you can get him to go.

God bless you with the strength to keep going.

Have you tried returning to your obstetrician and seeking help specifically tied to postpartum depression? Its very different...

I hope things get better for you..

M.

Your marriage will not fall apart as long as the two of you work together. I too do not like to have sex. My son just turned three. Every since I gave birth I have had a load of health problems. I've even had to have surgery. I have no sex drive what so ever. Only recently has my husband and I began to communicate about this problem.

The turning point was when I realized that not having sex affected him too. In my case it is painful to have sex. My husband really appreciated me getting perspective on the situation. He is now more understanding of me and I of him.

The biggest thing is to communicate!!! As far as saying mean things to one another, it will happen from time to time. Try and explain to him that you don't want your baby in that type of environment. You know, our children learn how to handle disagreements from us. I always tell my husband that I will not listen to a word he says when yelling or speaking disrespectful to me. Once he is ready to talk calmly I am all for it.

I hope this helps you. Good luck...

First, I am amazed by all the young women with depression and on medication. Since most of you seem to started having depression after having children did you try hormone therapy first. Sounds to me like your hormones are all out wack after having children. My doctor tried to put me on Lexapro..(i think). It was for my anxiety but she did tell me it was for anxiety and depression. I kept telling her over and over...I was not depressed. Well I tried it and it made me a person that I am not, mean and not caring, etc.. My body didn't need it and I tried to tell her that. When I took the medications it was trying to make my brain do something it didn't need to - which caused a behavior that was not the person that I am. I stopped taking it and just learned that I didn't ever have anxiety, I have SVT's which I am having a Cardiac Ablation for at the end of this month. The second time I took Welbuterin to help me to quit smoking, same thing. I had to quit taking it.

Having said all this...Have you all ever stopped to think that you weren't really depressed in the first place. That you really didn't need the drug. Are there other options?

I am not saying all this to down the people who are really - really clinically depressed. My mother and father take medication for that so I know it exists. I am not saying it doesn't. I think we know our bodies best and there is so much information available on the net we can usually diagnose ourselves. LOL

I am really concerned by all the young women on here who are depressed.

Love to all and keep your heads up.

S. -
You are not alone. I don't like sex much either and my husband pouts about 'not getting any'. But if you are like me, you haven't had a full nights sleep in ages and you are constantly on high-alert trying to take the best care of your child possible. Relaxing to the point that sex is enjoyable is a joke. Unfortunately, men don't realize this.
First thing you have to do is remove your daughter from the situation - call up mom or mom-in-law and have them take her for the night (or weekend even). Next, clean off the bed (put all the baby stuff that ultimately ends up in your room in the closet). Next, order a nice meal in - pick up from a restaurant that you both enjoy (no cooking mess to clean up). Take a long bath or shower, invite your husband to join you. Let him do for you, wash your hair or soap up your back. Then, see how you feel. Maybe just cuddling for 8 straight hours will be enough to make you feel loved and secure.
Also, don't stress about what you said to each other last night - we all say mean things to each other when we are angry and while you remember every single word, I bet he doesn't (typical man behavior) - so don't sweat the small stuff!

I think one thing you will need to realize is that a husband gets his self-esteem through his wife making love to him. If that is not happening, you both miss out b/c he is not feeling like the man he needs to. It's a God-given natural need for a man - not just a desire, but a physical need. I'd definitely talk to a dr. about the depression, but also suggest reading a book called For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhaun - gives you insight into his mind.... Don't give up!!!

Hi there. Without knowing more about the two of you any other problems you've had. I do suggest seeing a thearpist, by yourself, and together. Perhaps even a sex thearpist. I don't think it's normal not to enjoy sex with your husband. Forgive me for prying, but is it you due to depression or is it more him? Sex isn't even close to the most important thing in a relationship, but I myself do think the physical itimacy does mean a lot. I had a previous relationship, we had problems, such as growing apart, but I was 'in love' and tried to make it work. But I just didn't like having sex with him, granted I suffered from depression for a while, but it was both of us. He didn't do it for me, and we had other problems that contributed to our sexual problems. The bedroom was just the first place we suffered that we both noticed.

Like I said before, seek marriage counseling, and seek help yourself for your depression. If your daughter is 13 months old it could still be PPD. And remember some women don't fully enjoy sex again until a year (or more) after their child is born (One more nosey thing, but ask yourself if you even enjoyed sex before your daughter). And speak openly with him, do seek sexual counseling, maybe open yourself up to new things so you can better enjoy it and you can seek physical fufillment from your husband.

Good luck hun.

First let me start with saying, the ladies that suggest that your husband needs YOU to keep HIS self-esteem up, and that sex is god given and you should just DO IT need counseling themselves. If your husband love you whole heartedly then he should understand that you have a problem right now. I am 30 years old and when I was 28 and my husband was 25 I was going through not wanting sex and feeling very unsexy. It didnt matter what he done I wasnt interested. When I went for my yearly exam I found out I had cervical and ovarian cancer. I had an emergency Hysterectomy 2 days later. That added another 2 months without sex to the already 2 month we had went through.But that was when my husband acted like a real man and said. I love you and sex is mearly a bonus in life. It has nothing to do with love. And if a man needs you for his self-esteem he needs to go back home to momma. Obviously he was a momma's baby and he needs her more than you. Good luck sweety, hope things get better and remember ITS NOT YOU

Talk to your doctor. Alot of the drugs that are for depression can inhibit sex drive. Make sure that your doctor and your husband know that you are concerned about this side effect. You need to talk to your doctor about how long you have had this problem, have you thought that it might be post partum depression? Talk to your husband and tell him that you want to fix the problem. dont let this ruin your marriage.

Check with your doctor if you are on depression meds. Many have a side effect of low sex drive. It sounds as if you have a few things going on, a newer child, depresson, pressure... that can drive many to lose their drive. I know, I've been there and have seen it happen with friends. Have you tried date night? Dressing up and having some wine? Again ,you doctor may have good advice.

Well i know how you feel. Before my 4 month old i was ready all the time.
A little romance if you will always works.. Have him do nice things for you. I mean not flowers and stuff. well if that is what you want. I like mine to do stuff round the house for me. Tell me i am pretty that i look nice etc. Then when he makes the move then i am more willing.
Maybe you should also talk to your OBGYN about a different medicine for your depression. Birth control pills can also mess up your hormones to make you not want to have sex. I would ask about that also.
Good luck girl. Tell your hubby to bear with you it will get better.

Hey, I just wanted you to know you are not alone. My sex drive flew the coop right after I got pregnant four years ago. We went through a lot of difficulty - him thinking that we couldn't be "close", and I would try anyway and it would hurt or I'd just get mad about it later. Compounded with drugs such as Depo, Effexor, and the fact that we both are significantly overweight (which makes it just too much of a hassle, in my opinion), and we don't stand a chance. DON'T just "do it" to appease him. DO talk to him, really, honestly, openly talk to him. Tell him that you'll see a doctor, and that you are willing to try other things -- if you are, that is. Don't worry about the recent argument - I know we passed some nasty words here and there. Just talk to him. Counseling is good, too. And if this helps - it has taken four years, but my hubby's finally lost interest, too! I know thast's not encouraging. I, too, would like to enjoy love-making. Unfortunately, for many of us women, it just doesn't work. Everything you said in your post, he should hear. And have you tried therapy, rather than drugs? It may help. I'm sorry, and I feel for you. If you find something that works, drop me a line!

Adderal helped me with a bout of depression several years ago. It tends to have less sexual side effects. As for sex, search out what turns you on and do it! Books, pictures, fantasies, whatever!!! You deserve to take care of yourself and that includes enjoying your sexuality together.
K.

I suffered from ppd for a year before seeking medical advise. It wasn't until my father was on his deathbed that I discovered that I truely did suffer from depression. Please talk to your DR. but I tke Lexapro 10 mg! It made me a better mother, wife, and friend!

I am 28 and married as well with 2 toddlers and 1 on the way,I know that it is rough to get yourself in the mood.. Have you thought about trying alternatives... being intimate with out having intercourse??

It happens to most moms. I have two daughters and it has happened both times. My husband and I fight about sex all the time. He doesn't understand why it is so hard for me to do it. Guys don't get. They are different then us. They love sex a lot and think they need it to survive. They don't think like we do. And during arguments, many mean things get said. You just have to remember the birth of your child wasn't just h*** o* you. It was h*** o* him too. We have so many changes going on in our bodies after we have kids, I don't see how anyone has more then one. But understand it does get better. I am not just talking about the sex, the depression gets better too. I have had depression both times, during and after pregnancy and birth. It is hard, but you can work through it. If you need to talk, let me know.

I would definetly see your dr about your meds. It could just be your on the wrong one. Also when I took the Depo shot it killed my sex drive. I already don't have much of one but luckily my husband doesn't either!! Don't listen to these other people that tell you he has to have sex to feel like a man b/c my husband and I honestly don't have sex that often and we're both fine with it.And also please ignore the advise that says just b/c u dont like it doesn't mean u shouldn't do it and it's just 15 mins. If u do that your just gonna end up resenting him later for it. Work it out don't just put up with doing it for his sake. I got lucky to get a man who has the same outlook on sex as me and that is it's just a bonus that comes with marriage but it isn't the glue that holds it together.Your love and trust for each other is what does that!! I wish you luck-J.

Hey S.,I can definately understand what youre going through.Im married to a trucker whom is never home but maybe 6-8 weeks at a time.My hubby was just home for a week and it wasnt a great visit either for we too argued about not having sex.I battle depression also although I havent been on any medicine because i havent made the step to try and get help.My hubby is very patient and he should be because we are patient with them,,lol.My husband has bought me a book and mailed it to me.Its a great book and it has helped me out.It helped me get through things that seemed to bother me.Of course im still working on it.With your hubby if youre having one of your better days just try to be spontaneous.Tell him kids are sleeping youre going to take a shower maybe ask him to join or meet him in whatever room he is at and just tell him and reassure him how much you love him and give him a kiss or two and see where it leads.If you dont plan on it and just do it when u are in the right frame of mind it will be easier for you to WANT to make love to him and vice versa.He may be angry because he loves you and is very attracted to you! Hes prob feeling youre not atttracted to him anymore since the baby and men cant handle that.They are actually more sensitive than we are,,lol.If you want to talk or what not please email me,,for im going thru a similar problm.I can share some things /ideas with ____@____.com

ABOUT ME:
32(33in Nov) work from home mom of 3,girl-15 and boys 13 and 5.Im a wife to a trucker who is never home!But hes a great Husband and cant complain(too much anyways,,lol)I live in cleveland,Tn

Antidepressants lower your sex stimulant. As far as your marriage being over, that is honestly between you and your husband. Sec is an important factor in a marriage but it should not be the leading cause to stay married to someone or leave someone. However, in some cases it is. My husband and I have gone thru this also. The only thing I can honestly tell you is to talk to your husband. If you guys can't talk to each other, consider marriage counseling or individual counseling. Believe that does help a good bit. I have a counselor in Cleveland if you are close enough and would like to give it a try. Communication is the key to a healthy relationship.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Little about myself.. I am 27 and a military wife,mother of 2 boys between the ages of 4 and 2, along with a full time employee.

Believe it or not there are alot of women out there that feel the same way as you. Especially after becoming a mother we are tired and sometimes our libido is just not there anymore. Alot of medications out there for depression can cause the lack of sex drive. It is very important though to have a healthy sex life to keep most marriages happy. Maybe have someone take your daughter for the night or weekend and plan a getaway. Maybe get some new things to spice up the bedroom. I am a Passion Parties consultant and I hear this same story every week by someone. I am not trying to sell u anything I just want you to know you are not alone.

Part of the marriage vow is to be connected to your husband. He married you because he wanted a partner. Just because you don't feel like doing something doesn't mean you shouldn't just DO IT!! I don't like doing laundry, but I do it anyway. My question for you is.... If your husband stopped talking to you because he "didn't like it", would you feel abandoned? The way that your husband feels close to you is through physical contact... SEX. If he doesn't get it, you are just his roommate.
Your husband provides for his family, works hard, and fulfills his manly responsibilities. Is he not worth 15-30 minutes a day of your time and effort in order to feel appreciated and admired? That is all that he wants.
Women have been programmed to think that men are sex hungry animals, and in some cases, this is true. But, a man wants to be with his wife because of love.... this is how he gives and receives love.
Please don't tear apart a family for 15 minutes a day.

I know how you feel! I am 25 as well I have a 4 yo daughter and a 8 mo son. After my daughter was born I was very depressed. I have always had body image issues, after my daughter was born they were really there! I took Lexapro for about a year, the sexual side effects aren't too bad and it helped me quite a bit. My hubby and I had alot of arguments about sex after my daughter was born. I just didn't want to do it. I have since decided that it isn't all that bad to give in even if you don't feel great about it all the time. Sometimes the hubby doesn't feel like it but he still does it so why shouldn't I. I have also come to terms with the fact that my body will never look like it did when I was 20 with no children. I am happy with where I am at now and it makes a difference. Another thing that my hubby pointed out is that when I get my hair done or do something for myself I am more inclined to be sexually charged, do something for yourself it may help.

I would seek counseling. Some employers offer an employee assistance program and alot of times you can get free therapy sessions. Maybe for now you can compromise with him, until you feel better. Say like promise him once a week, say Saturday night you will make love with him. I went through a time where I had no sex drive. Most of the time once things got started I really enjoyed myself. Sex is also a good way to relieve stress and release emotions. I don't want you to do something you really don't want to do, but maybe having sex more often would help you with your depression. Remember that anti-depressants cause a decrease in sex drive. Try not to think of it as whose fault it is. Placing blame on yourself is going to make you feel pressured. Pressure makes us resist what we're feeling pressured towards. Its time to sit down and have a heart to heart with your hubby, let him know your lack of interest in sex has nothing to do with him and that you still find him sexy. Think of how you would feel if you wanted to have sex with him and he turned you down. Good Luck.