Is My Husband Lying to Me

Don't call. Go there. If you know where the pool party is, go there too. Go FIND him.

Better have your own bank account and put money in it. This guy sounds like he is very close to taking you for an ugly ride.

Sorry,
D.

14 moms found this helpful

Why does he feel like he has to lie to you? Is there a reason he SHOULD be lying to you? Are you overbearing? If not, then just drive by the house and see if his car is there. If you have kid(s), tell him, "I'm so glad you are here, because I need you to watch the kids so I can run some errands." Don't freak out. Just be cool, hand the kids over (already in bathing suits), smile and kiss him and leave. Once you leave, go pull some money out of your bank account in CASH and go to another bank and open an account, so you have SOMETHING somewhere else. Every woman should have an account of her own, even with $1000 in it....and a credit card in her maiden name. This was the best advice I got when I got married. I've been married 11 years and we have a fabulous marriage, but I like that everything is not tied all together.

How old is he? When I read your post to my husband, he LOLd and said, "how old is this guy? 20?"

12 moms found this helpful

Go.
Bring the kids all in swimsuits.
Be pleasant and all smiles!
Enjoy yourself!
Every time he lies, pull $100 out and put it into a separate account.
Build your rainy day / escape fund.
At the rate he's going you should be able to build it up quickly.
Talk to a women's shelter and make your escape plan.

12 moms found this helpful

I'd stop by the pool party with an appetizer and say hi to everyone! Or else stop by and say, "Honey, how nice that your long work day ended earlier than you thought. I just wanted you to know that I'm going out to dinner. See you later!" Then hop in the car and go do something for yourself.

There's no excuse for lying.

If you have to ask, then you know in your gut that he's doing it. I'd ask myself why he has to lie, and what else is he hiding from you.

9 moms found this helpful

I would drive to the friends. When you see his car, stand next to it and text him. Let him know that you would like to speak to him by his car! I am sorry that you are going through this!

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Here is the thing, if you are reacting this way over possibly going to a pool party then there is a very good chance you are the reason he is lying.

See I get the frustration over stupid lies, my ex did that. I mean really stupid lies! He lied not because I restricted him in the least he just did it because he is mentally rather messed up. His childhood made lying his go to and he just didn't notice it wasn't necessary, ya know?

You and only you can figure out if it is you driving this or him, sorry I wish I had a test but it is truly internal to you. If it is you being demanding, expecting every free moment to be dedicated to you then you are going to look like a nut case going by to check up on him even if he is there. It is going to be one of those oh look Boo Boo is going nuts again, her poor husband. If it is him driving it then you will get oh poor Boo boo, his husband is such a jackass!

8 moms found this helpful

Well, if you have to ask, then usually some type of history there, that makes you feel the way you do.

Why he's lying about going to a pool party, instead of inviting you & your child to it, like married people SHOULD be doing, is curious in & of itself.

It sounds like you guys have a lot of unresolved issues. As you know, they can only resolved if BOTH parties are willing to admit their part in the problem and BOTH are willing to work on the marriage. If he makes you feel crazy, then I'm not sure how fixable things are of if they'll ever change.

I really hope you have a career to fall back on, because if I were you, I'd be thinking about Plan B and getting ready for it. Most likely you being a SAHM is adding to him feeling justified in whatever he's doing. He has a sense of control over you because you can't just up & leave.

8 moms found this helpful

I would drive by, if his car is there take a photo and text it to him.

Let him know you are out front and needed to run some errands, so please come out front and get the kids, so you can get these family errands completed..

Just very matter of fact.

I think some people grow up in families where for whatever reason they get in the bad habit of lying. My husbands family, you were not safe to tell the truth. Decisions were criticized, second guessed, or just not trusted..

But i think they were not trusted because his parents were always lying by omission.. They just did not feel their children or their parents needed to know everything going on..

My husband was told to not mention the vacations they would be going on. Do not tell your grandparents what you got for Christmas. Don't tel Aunt that we had this party..

WTH? They still do this. They have a huge family secret that none of us are to mention to our BIL because he has no idea his wife, their daughter had a certain boyfriend in college and gasp! lived with him! They honestly do not think he could handle this info.. My deal is IF he really loved her when they got married, this would not have mattered.. Now this SECRET has been perpetuated by ALL of us.. I hate it!!!!

And so before you decide to just leave him and never trust him again.. i suggest counseling.. You 2 need to learn to speak honestly and safely with each other. Help him break this cycle.

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I agree with stopping by the friend's house. The only way to control the situation with a liar is to catch them red-handed.

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Soooooo, what happened? Did you drive by? Was he there?

I'm with the others who would so be out taking a short drive....you know how car rides make babies sleep and all....

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B.:

If you don't trust him - why are you married to him?

WHY does he feel the need to lie to you? Do you go off-the-handle if he tells you the truth? Even if you do - that's HIS problem. IF you go wild - then you need to learn to control your temper...

why not drive by the friends house and see if he's there? Get the kid and go to the party like you were invited...if he's there...tell him he can stay there or the hotel down the street. Change the locks and be done with him.

You have options. Stop thinking like someone who has no options. You can kick his butt out of the house. make him pay for it until the divorce is settled. He'll have to pay child support.

You can find a job. It might not be a glamorous job - but you can find one and you can get financial aid. Don't feel sorry for yourself. You and your child deserve better than this.

5 moms found this helpful

I'd say he's planning on hitting that pool party after work.

Sounds like he's lying by omission. But why would he feel that he has to?

Is there a reason YOU are not invited?

When he comes in smelling of chlorine, let the cat out of the bag and ask him why he just didnt tell you that he was stopping at Bob's for a swim.
Let us know what he says.

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You could also call his job and ask for him. If he's not there then head over to the party.

I can see why you are suspicious.

5 moms found this helpful

Stop by there with some of his favorite food or coffee....you know just because you were thinking about him, and know he is working hard. WINK WINK ;)

Then you wont look crazy, and you will also be able to see what is going on.

I dont mind looking like a physco in my marriage. If you are lying to me, I deserve to know, and I will do whatever it takes to find out.

5 moms found this helpful

I agree with Dawn. Just go to the friends house. And what kind of pond has lights in it? A pool maybe, but a pond??

5 moms found this helpful

Welcome to my physco club! I am married as well and to me lying is lying! Period. I like you stay home all day too and I like to be included in things too and it would hurt my feelings. If you have access to a car I no doubt would drive by and check it out. I would not cause a scene at all but when he got home I would most certainly confront him. Your his wife and you deserve not to be lied to. I don't know the other situation but its uncalled for. Best of luck love!

5 moms found this helpful

if he is a lier you need to address that, and dont let him turn it back around on you. If he will lie about this, he could be about other things. are you sure he really works on Saturdays?

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Jennifer P.- excellent advice! I wish I had the same advice a couple of years ago. Lied to for years over stupid stuff. He left me alone all of the time while he went out and had fun! He would also tell me that he would only be gone a couple of hours, so instead of going and doing something by myself, I would wait for him, so we could do something together. He ALWAYS ended up gone for 5-9 hours and I would be so worried that I called the hospital, police station and drove around looking in ditches for his car.
Dumb me did this for many years. Dumb me smartened up and is in the middle of a divorce. Smarter me is still learning how to keep her eyes open so this never happens again even if it means I am alone forever! Better that then the alternative misery!

4 moms found this helpful

I agree with Laura, below, you should stop by. I would guess he is probably lying. It doesn't sound like a great marriage, I'm sorry about that. Why would he go to a party without you?

Do you have a family or other support? If he lies as much as you say he does, you might need to be prepared to make it on your own, as Dawn said.

If you stop by, and catch him in a lie, why does that make YOU the psycho? Stop by, and when you find him there, just let him see you, and don't say anything. If you yell and scream, THEN you look like a psycho, but if you stay calm, he will look like the jerk.

Good luck.

4 moms found this helpful

I would absolutely stop by, but that's me. If he's not there, you could say you thought he might be and you just wanted to touch base with him on something -- you don't have to go in guns ablazing and make yourself look psycho -- just that you needed to talk with him real quick and you weren't sure if he'd be there or not. But I totally would go. Hope he's being honest.

4 moms found this helpful

I would SOOOOO be checking up an him. Driving by that friends house would be it. If his car was there then it's obvious something is going on.

There are many excuses for his behavior if he did lie but none of them are excusable until he tells you what was going on in his mind.

When I was pregnant with my daughter my ex got invited out to eat. He told me he had to work. I called him at work and they said he was't there...duh!

I saw his car at a restaurant on the way home so I went in. I was primed for bear let me tell you....here I was pregnant out to there and he went out without me. Was I ugly? Too Fat? Crabby? What was it? And in front of all of the people in the restaurant I let him have it.

He just looked sheepishly at me and said "You puke every time you smell food and I was getting really hungry for a meal with out puke being involved. I didn't want to make you feel bad since you can't help puking all day".

Well, I felt bad. I was puking at least 3 times per day for at least 8 1/2 months. I had a really hard time being pregnant. I said Okay, and walked out.

I was so embarrassed. I blamed the outburst on the hormones.
***********************
I like the advice to go to the friends house and if his car is there you just take a picture and text it to him. OR you could call him and ask him is he coming to the car or are you coming in there.

My friend that is going through a divorce had a husband that told his friends all kind of things about her. That she was rude, didn't like to be around people, that she was too busy out spending his hard earned money to come to the activity with him. When if fact half the time she didn't even know there was something to go to. He'd even take the kids and say they were going to go do some stuff and they'd be back later. Then he'd post pictures of them at some party or something on FB> I asked her why she didn't go to this stuff and she said his friends didn't really like her so it was okay.

Now we know he was filling their heads with untrue stories and was setting them up to be his witnesses that she was withdrawn and unsociable so they could testify at their divorce hearing. He made her sound like a raving lunatic. When in fact she stayed at home and let him go to his friends without her.

Come to find out he was also taking one of his numerous girlfriends to these parties too. His kids didn't realize, he was their dad and just giving someone a ride.

4 moms found this helpful

ditto to what Dawn said....she's right on all points.

& flatout, don't give him another opportunity to lie to you. Get a babysitter. Drive to the friend's house. The end.

4 moms found this helpful

I would just drive by and see if his car is parked at the house. Easy enough and he doesn't even have to know that you know he lied... catch him in the lie with your knowledge.

4 moms found this helpful

I agree with Dawn too, you should earn money get a job, have a separate bank account stash some money there so if you leave the marriage (I hope not and I hope you guys work it out) you can support you and your children. I hope you guys work it out. NO You guys WILL work it out..

4 moms found this helpful

I also like Jennifer Ps advice. Even if you don't drop the kids off it is not a bad idea at all to have "emergency" funds in place. Even if you aren't planning on leaving, if something else happened such as an accident or deah, you might need funds you can get your hands on right away.

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I don't get why he wouldn't just tell you he plans to go to a pool party at his friend's house. But obviously there is reason he didn't want to tell you. Is it a family-type party? Or a boys party? Or and adults-only kind of thing? A specific group of friends from college or work or something? Are other families and spouses invited? Maybe it's the kind of invite for just him, maybe he was afraid you'd be upset and not want him to go. Is that how you would have reacted? It's stressful to be the at-home parent when the working parent is gone longer than the regular work day. Maybe he feels a little guilty going to a party while you're left home with the kids. Would that bother you? Maybe he just doesn't want to deal with an argument with you. He should feel comfortable telling you he's going to a party. There isn't anything wrong with a married pesron going to a party. It doesn't necessarily mean he has plans to flirt or pick up some other woman. I'd just ask him straight out. "I see Bob is having a party. Are you going to his place after work?" If you still feel like you are hearing lies, go find out where he really is. And yes, then I would confront him for the reason he lied.

3 moms found this helpful

I don't know if he's lying to you...but the cards can be read different ways.

I'm not sure what I would do...but I know if I'd been lied to previously about a lot of things I would search for the truth.

3 moms found this helpful

sounds like he's lying. is his lying fueld by you bing overly controlling or by his own personality?
my ex lied about EVERYTHING under the sun. His family raised him that way. I would get so annoyed, he would argue so much that he was being honest until he was blue in the face over things. Even if i had proof of the lie i would eventually believe him because i figured who would lie about something that little? about something i wouldnt even care about? He thought M. stating i wouldnt care if he J. came clean was a trick, and he also was raised that its better to lie and get your way rather than deal with consequences.

I think you need to find the root cause of the lying and work on that. if he has issues from childhood and is willing to get help then great, if he thinks you're over controlling then both of you can work on that, either way you need to talk or dig deep and try and figure out what the issue is

1 mom found this helpful

It sounds like you need to prepare yourself for single parenting. Let him lie all he wants. Use the time to study and go to school or find the night job. Sock money away and move on.

You don't mention his line of work, but really he has to change light bulbs in the pool...is that something he would normally do?

I dated a lier once before and he is GONE!

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Its too late, but you could just do a drive by and look for the car.

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i'm sorry, hon. i just don't know what to do with chronic liars. i couldn't live with one. if he would really lie over something like this, what else would he lie about?
i suppose the matter rests on whether or not you are a perpetually paranoid person who sees untruth in everything he says or does, which will surely drive him into lying or leaving, or whether you're a woman who is lied to so much that she can no longer trust anything he says.
it's not a great outlook either way.
i suppose the only answer, other than checking up on him all the time and/or leaving, is the ubiquitous 'go to counseling' suggestion.
good luck!
khairete
S.

1 mom found this helpful

If he did NOT bring a change of clothes to do a job like that yes I would feel it was funny. I say if your feeling like you should not be in the marriage you should be working.. what type of lies does he do?