Is My Grandson Involved in Too Many Activities?

With a schedule like that I think the parents might soon realize on their own the mistake they are making. It is very likely that such a hectic and packed schedule will start causing a lot of tension in the family and potentially health problems in the child if he can't keep up and is overworked. It is sad that kids in this generation and the ones following end up growing up without their parents, the results are already visible when you speak to today's children. You can usually tell right away if a child has a strong relationship with his/her parents or if he is just being tossed from one activity to the next and is robbed of his childhood. I would let the parents try this, if they have any common sense they will soon realize what they are doing wrong. I don't know what else would convince them.

Hello S.,
I have a 4 year old grandson and a 2 year old granddaughter.I think maybe one thing at a time would be fine.Maybe swimmimg lessons at first,then when he gets older something else.Where are you from?I am from Gorham,ME.

While I do agree with you about the scheduling, the thing in your post that caught my eye was "my daughter-in-law plans on..." What about your son? I can tell by your "what happened" comments that you are a loving, caring, involved grandparent, but also that there are some serious tensions about the choices being made for your grandson. Remember, it's not just your daughter in law making those choices, but your son as well. Going back to work, putting the kids in daycare, signing up for activities etc are choices that both parents have made tacticly or explicitly. As difficult as navigating parenting is for your son, he luckily has both you and his father. Your daughter in law doesn't have either parent, and, as much as perhaps everyone would like, you cannot take that space. No doubt she feels a lot of pressure (as all working moms do) but her own parents aren't around to support her in the choices that she's making. So I guess in sum I agree with most other responders that she is making different choices than I would make, but I cannot see it being anyway helpful for your relationship with her to question that decision. If you do say anything, say it to your son, and if he choses to side with his wife, then please respect that decision and say no more about it.

You're singing my song, but you are in a tough position because you will come off as criticizing your daughter-in-law if you come on too strong.

Most teachers will tell you that kids who are over-programmed are less creative, less flexible, and sometimes over-stimulated. There is a tremendous pressure and competition among parents to ensure that we are providing every opportunity to our kids, and for some people, that is measured in terms of the number of programs in which they are enrolled. If there's not an activity every day, you're a failure as a parent.

My husband and I, as somewhat older parents (37 and 41), fought this Big Time! My husband is a writer and values his private/quiet time to think and create. I didn't go to preschool or after-school activities, and turned out to be an honor student even without all that "help." At 5, our son went to religious school one day a week, and was allowed one other structured activity. Sometimes it was soccer, sometimes it was basketball, and so on - we varied it so that he had a chance to experiment with different things. We were in a preschool play group once a week. We occasionally had organized play dates, but when he wanted us to set up cross-town dates on a regular basis, we said no. He could find a playmate in the neighborhood, or he could stay home. He became incredibly self-sufficient, and very creative. He designed elaborate things in our basement play area, combining various toys to form incredible play-scapes (he combined Legos, Brio trains, Hot Wheels, and recycling debris to create huge set-ups). He collected ants and built an ant farm. He dug for salamanders. He netted frogs. We hiked, went to museums, looked at clouds, watched family movies, played board games, and so on. He learned to be comfortable with himself, to amuse himself, and to challenge himself. When he got older, we subscribed to Popular Science magazine - and he occupied himself a lot.

Despite the fact that we never pushed him in a particular athletic activity, he wound up discovering the track team in high school (after checking out basketball), and he found a great coach and developed into a record-setting track star who got a scholarship to a great college. It was all about having him find his passion.

As for all your grandson's activities, I think swimming is critical for safety's sake, and if he turns out to love it, that's great. Karate isn't bad from the standpoint of discipline, and if he loves it, that's great. Tennis isn't bad either, but it's tough when one is so young.

If your daughter-in-law is working outside the home, then daycare is essential. People can't live on one income anymore. She may be trying to give him some variety outside of the daycare program by signing him up for some different programs. She may be running from home to job herself, and feel like she's on a treadmill, so she is putting him on one too so she can ensure that he has variety, and she may feel she has no "down time" herself, and needs him to be involved in something so she can get errands and chores done without neglecting him. When she gets home from work, she probably has to make dinner, start the laundry, and think about starting his homework when he gets to school. It can't be easy for her. She may want to put him in something more wholesome than after-school TV and video games - and she should be commended for that. Economically, she may not feel she has any options.

If you are nearby and can help out by providing an after-school outlet for him, including some free play and down time, that's great. If you can give him an afternoon at the library to choose a book, hang out and read together, that's great. If you can give them a museum membership so they can visit whenever time allows (and not feel that they have to stay all day to justify the admission charge for a one-time visit), that would be great.

Try to offer her options without sounding like you are criticizing her decisions and choices. It's a different world for most parents - there are pressures to be resisted, but there are economic realities that make child-rearing these days a whole different ballgame than in the past.

Good luck!

I tend to think that free time is super good for kids- and I try hard not to overschedule my own kids.
That said...
It's not your place to judge or make opinions on the way your grandson is raised. It is your son and daughter-in-law's job. If you offer these opinions or otherwise make your displeasure known or felt it will only cause stress and discontent within your family.

You can provide your grandson with quiet time while he is with you. Other than that- you really should stay out of it completely.
Many children these days carry heavy activity loads. It's just the way it is today. Right or wrong- it just depends on each child.

Good luck and concentrate on being a fun grandparent. Leave the parenting decisions to the parents.
-S.

Hi S.,

I have been teaching All Day Kindergarten for 15 years and cringe when I hear all of the activities parents involve their children in ... ESPECIALLY at the beginning of the school year! September and October are typically really difficult months for the 5-6 year old learner... as they make the adjustment to school. The fact that this little guy is going to be on the run from 7:00 a.m. (let's not forget the rush in the morning to get to school on time) to 5:30 each day is in and of itself A LOT! The poor little guy is going to have to come up with the strength (both mentally and physically) to do his swimming, tennis, and karate. My guess is... if your daughter in law does put him through this schedule... it won't take her very long to see that it is just not working for him. He really needs that DOWN TIME at the end of the day to release all that may be building up inside of him. I always warn my families that they may see a very different child at the beginning of the school year as they make this adjustment. Some behaviors may include: crying easily, extreme exhaustion, bed-wetting, need for naps, poor attitude, different appetite, moodiness, etc... Hopefully the mom will limit his activities to at least one extra during the start of the school year. The difficult part for you is that you really walk a fine line when you offer your thoughts as the mother in law. I believe once he starts school she will better be able to make decisions about what he should and should not do based on his attitude.
Good luck.

I'm late in responding, but I can't help putting my two cents in. As a teacher and a mother, I feel strongly that children need time to relax and have free play time. It is so sad how we are turning our children into stressed out, tired little people. Not that I don't believe in extra-curricular activities, but you have to know when is too much. I think more than one after school activity is too much. I don't buy what other posters have said that "that's just the way it is today." That's not an excuse to overschedule a child. My son is also starting kindergarten this year, and I know it will be a big transition, even though he went to preschool. Kindergarten is more intense than many parents realize, as the academic standards keep increasing. I prefer my son to do fewer activities well than more activities half-heartedly. Just my opinion.

You are in a difficult position as a mother-in-law. Can you talk to your son about it? I personally don't get offended by well-intentioned suggestions from my parents or mother-in-law, but some people probably do. Only you know if they'll be offended.
Goodluck!

Hi S.,
I am also a grammy. My 5 yr old grandson will also start kidnergarten this fall. My daughter was able to stop working early this summer, and just doing 'stay at home' play has been wonderful for all. The reality is that most moms have to work today. But, I've casually discussed over scheduling with all my children who all have young children now. My youngest daughter with a little 2 yr old daughter has found the value of just hanging around the yard when she has time off. Again, the reality is usually 8 am to 5:30 pm for kids today. Can you volunteer to pick him up two or three afternoons for some good Grammy time of baking cookies and yard play? Otherwise, I just don't think there is anything you can do about it. He'll probably love playing after school, and believe me, it'll be a room full of kids. Good luck. They will grow despite how different it is from the 'old' days. I'm sure its hard enough on your daughterinlaw, so I certainly wouldn't make your opinion critical in any way. I'd go for being helpful in any way.
Best of Luck
L.

i am the mother of 2 boys, 3&8. i feel very stongly that a child should participate in only one after school activity per season. i believe it is overwhelming for all involved to try to do too much, and a child should have free time while it last. once they hit middle school, forget it-they will be overloaded. tell your daughter inlaw to enjoy life a little more, it races by too fast.

I worked in daycrare for 17 years total. I had a child in your grandsons position. SHe did karate, tennis,swim,chinesse school and horse back. SHe did ok but was very tired evry time i saw her. We sat down with her mom and told her how we felt about all her extra activities. Then we asked her what she wanted and the mom lowered her extra activites. so may be you can let her and your son know your concernce. Is it posiable for you to take him after school adn give him down time with you if she wants him to do all this. It is great to have a well rounded but I think at this age it is much. I am a teacher myself so i know how they are when they come into class after al the extra stu. Hope this helps Good luck keep me posted

I have a feeling that she'll soon realize that she has planned too many activities, and this situation will sort itself out. When our youngest son started Kindergarten, he was SO ready for school, so active and bright, that we thought it would be fine to have him try soccer and football. DISASTER!!! It turns out that all he could handle at that stage was school, which is fine with us. There is too much pressure these days to have your kids into everything, at an earlier and earlier age. It's ridiculous. I wonder if we even think to ask the kids if they WANT to do any of it, or would they rather be home riding their bikes and catching frogs after school. I'm blessed in that I work 25 hours per week, and I'm home to meet the school bus. But most moms I know must work until 5:00 p.m., and it's so tough. Do you live close enough that maybe you could have your grandson a couple of afternoons a week, to give him a break from child care? Just a thought. Whatever you do, PLEASE don't send guilt messages about what she has her son into. She probably just wants to have him try a few things to see if he's interested. The challenge is that, at this age, all of the practices are right at supper time it seems. It would be so much better if they were right after school. Having to feed them early and get them to a 5:00 or 5:30 practice is not fun. And if you're a mom who doesn't get off work until 5:00, that means you don't have time to feed them before practice, so the kids are hungry and cranky when they start practice. Not good. I think we all need to lighten up, and not start any sports until the kids are 8 years old or so. Anyway, I've rambled long enough. You obviously care a great deal about your grandson, offer your D-I-L a break whenever you can. I know I love it when my mom and M-I-L take the kids for a while. Even if I don't agree with everything they do, there's no denying that they love my boys and have their best interests at heart. God bless!

Hi S. - don't worry too much. I also had my kindergartener involved in lots of activities when he was this age. When he went into first grade, we wanted him to concentrate on the new routine (homework, etc.) and didn't do anything extra that year. This year he is entering 2nd grade and we'll go somewhere in the middle.
You daughter is just excited to have him try new activities, and see what he might like and gravitate too. The kids now days have so many choices that as a mom you want to see what he may like and enjoy, and you just won't know if you don't try. The fall is usually crazy when all of the sign-ups are. But don't worry, if your grandson isn't enjoying these 3 activities that you daughter probably won't pursue them for the entire school year.
Good luck.

I am a mother of a kindergartner who is in gymnastics, swimming and takes piano, but I homeschool, so my daughter does have some downtime - but she fights it. She is always on the go and wants to be doing things.

I fully believe that children do need to be bored sometimes, so they can explore their creative side. But I also know that first, there is pressure from other parents who have their children over-scheduled and second, kids for the most part, no longer "go out to play" the way many of us did when we were little. For many, the neighborhood doesn't have other kids, or it is too dangerous, so parents find physical activities for the kids that are scheduled. This is not always a bad thing.

Why not give it a month or so and see how it goes? Like the other responders, I fully agree that this is not your call, and that making statements about it to your DIL may strain your relationship and make it more difficult for you to help in the future. It may be helpful to ask why she has him in so many activities, rather than suggesting she is doing something wrong.

Hi S. - I have been away for a few days and just read your post.

As the mother of a 10 year old, I say yes - absolutely. That child will be over-scheduled. (Does he really need to play tennis???)

From experience, my daughter was in dance and karate in first grade and added girl souts in second. At the end of second grade, she begged me not to suggest ANY activities in third grade! Not one. She quit everything because she was so over scheduled and frazzled...

My fault. I felt terrible! She started out enjoying them all and in the end, hated life.

In fourth grade, she chose girl scouts and has stuck with that.

PLEASE do what you can to keep this young boy relaxed and happy at home. The results can be disasterous...

wow! I hate to ask this, but is your son & daughter in-law more involved with their career or their own personal life and this child interferes when he is around? I say both your son and daughter in law because if they are not divorced then they have a joint interest in what happens with their child. It sounds like he has been raised by day care since age one, will start going to school during the day, stay for the aftercare program when he is done with school and will participate in at lease three different sport related activities in the evenings and weekends (since he doesn't actually leave the school until 5:30pm). When does he actually see his parents? Do they take turns staying with him at these events? Showing their support for him and seeing him when he fails and when he succeeds? This includes your son as well.
This child is on the track to feeling stimulated, ignored by his parents (because they are never around), and unloved. He may become a perfectionist trying to please them by doing everything they say perfectly which adds undue stress especially in the teenage years (an A isn't good enough, I'm not smart enough to be the best etc.) not a good path to go down.
In the pre-teen years when puberty starts happening and his testosterone is running rampant through his body, they may find a lot of anger and disrespect going their way. It is really hard to teach a teenager that you love him when all his life they are showing them I don't have time for you by doing exactly what they are planning on doing. Wait until they hear "work is more important than me!", when they say: "it is not" all of the history will be repeated to them telling them exactly what he feels. He may start looking for negative attention by doing things you would never expect, but it will get the attention he is seeking one way or another.
Have you talked to your son or daughter in law yet about this? Can you offer some help to have him with you instead of aftercare? This is an opportunity to help them with their busy schedules if they are unwilling to give up a little work to raise the family they decided to have. This little boy's life can be changed by a family member's willingness to help and love him as much as possible so he can see that even with all the activities someone really cares about him and not just what he can accomplish. He will be learning how to be a father all his life and he will repeat what he is taught.
On the parents point of view: Your son has obviously agreed to the raising of his son, is this how he was raised? It didn't sound like it when you spoke of sleeping in on weekends, re think how your husband was with him. Was he at work all the time and primarily raised by you? Was his dad there at all his activities or was it you? He also learned how to be a parent by his parents. Is this how his wife was raised? Was her mom a working mom and doing everything she could do to keep her daughter from ever struggling? This may be the only way she knows how to parent, we start to resemble our parents eventually. (I never got guidelines when my husband and I had our boys). Maybe they don't realize there is even an issue. As a daughter in law myself, in the beginning I didn't like hearing what my mother in law had to say and took it as she was picking on me and telling me what to do. I even threatened to keep my children from seeing her & my husband agreed to this. My husband didn't want to raise our children like they did him. As we matured (I had my children at 33 and 35 & we had been married 13 years before we decided to have children) we both realized that my husband had been raised pretty well and loved. They us as business owners who were so busy, we were neglecting our boys without realizing it.(Our boys were always at work with us, I had one day off with my first and 1/2 a day off with my second and I was back at work running our business full time) My husband and I looked at it as we were being great parents not putting our children in daycare because they were with us at work.
Please know whatever you decide to do, it is their choice to either succeed or fail as parents and if you want to continue to see your son and grandchild you may have to approach this situation very carefully to not be seen as the "terrible, noisy mother in-law" Let them know your concern, but let them know that you will not be repeating this over and over again. Let them know you would just like to give your side to it as an observer and if you can help for them to ask.
I wish you the best of luck with this delicate situation. You are doing exactly what I will do when and if I am ever in this situation and I may be, because early on I taught my boys that work was more important than they were because I wouldn't work regular hours (at times 70 hrs. a week, there was always something else that had to be finished before I quit. I am now a stay at home mom, working my Arbonne business 100 hours a month! I am at all the events,I even started running so I could be involved with their cross country team at all the practices!, I have been able to become the mom all the kids recognize and they know I only miss games if I am out of state. The boys are coming around and I hope I have caught my error in time, they are 11 & 13 and there isn't much time left before they are off to college.
Feel free to pass this letter on to your son and his wife if you think it might help. My prayers are with you. L.

I agree with the post that it is your daughter in laws decision and you should respect her decision. I would not say anything to her. She knows her son best and will be able to make the best decisions about what he can handle.

This may come off as a bit harsh, but I think you are being over dramatic... it "breaks my heart" re: his time at school and after school. Some parents don't have any other option. I can speak first hand about this given I am a full-time working mother (attorney) and my husband is active duty military and currently gone. Clearly, your DIL and presumably Son, believe this routine works for them and thier child. Perhaps, all the activities are something you grandson has shown and interest in. However, once he tries, he may not even like each of them or be able to handle all the activities. If my little one does not get enough rest, she melts or gets run down, so I would think that at his age, your DIL and son, would and will recognize if he's "overscheduled." My concern would be more along the lines of quality family time (perhaps the swim lessons are or could be for the family too). I wouldn't say anything until the situation becomes ripe; meaning, he hasn't even started these activities. One last note, children at age 5 don't "sleep in."

There is a lot of evidence supporting your point of view. I feel the same way-kids are too scheduled and they need a lot more down time than they get, but since your daughter-in-law wants to do this, you probably don't have much say in the matter. If you have the time and live close, you could offer to have him with you some of those days instead of having him do an activity, but you may also just have to hold your tongue on this one. It's so hard to see things happening in your family that you don't agree with. You sound like a great grandmother. Stay supportive, over time she-and your son-may see things differently.

Hello S.,
I can understand your heartache, but with all due respect, you have no say in what your daughter in law chooses to do with her children. Sure, you can voice your opinion, but she will do what she feels is right for her family. I personally feel like she has them in too many activities, but perhaps her own mother can voice that to her rather then you. I know I HATE IT when my MIL voices her thoughts to me about my kids. MIL and DIL have a strange relationship. To keep it on good terms, I'd advice you to let her mother take on the roll of telling her opinions like that about her kids. Hope this helps!

I agree that it sounds like an awful lot, but times have changed. When I grew up we would get up in the morning and be out all day with the kids in the neighborhood. We would come home for lunch and be back out right after lunch until supper time and then most days we would be out again until the street lights came on. I have 4 kids now and my oldest is almost 8. I don't know if I will ever feel confident about letting them out alone. The sad truth is there are too many crazy people out there nowadays. Plus when I grew up there were much more stay at home moms and everybody kind of kept an eye on eachothers children. There were many different houses to "check in". When my kids go out to play now I am right with them. The time I spend with them playing takes away from time getting laundry done and cleaning up after 6 people. This creates a lot of pressure on a mom today to try to be like our moms in a world that is nothing like the one we grew up in. Most moms work full time and while they are at work they just want to make sure their kids are safe and doing something constructive. Please understand that times have changed and if it's too much for your grandchild then your son or daughter in law will figure that out pretty quick and they will put a stop to it. Please don't say anything, it will only add a lot of stress. Maybe try to help out instead. It's always easy to be a critic when you are not directly involved in a situation. I know it is only out of love for your grandchild, but you need to have faith in your son and daughter in law.

I have 2 little ones and will have to make these decisions soon myself. I agree it sounds like too much, but I am sure their mom has their best interest at heart and will realize if/when it is a mistake. But, I also agree it is not your call.
For the long days, I also work full time, lucky enough to be home one day a week. Fortunately, our day care is great and my kids are really happy there. If they are out in the playground at pick up time, they want us to stay there longer! :) So, it has worked out well for us. I would guess your DIL has to work and may feel badly about the long days for her kids. But, it isn't always a choice. And it would be no help if MIL (or mom) were to make her feel badly about it .

Keeping kids busy is never a bad thing,I'm pretty sure as his mother she will make sure he is fine. As far as extended day at school some parents have to do what they have to do and I'm sure she already feels bad about him having to be away for that period of time, she certainly doesnt need any negative feedback from people who are supposed to be supporting her. Kids do not come with manuals and we all make mistakes, It sounds to me that she has his best interest at heart, trust me , running them to the extra activities is not exactly fun for us. Try giving positive feedback and she will feel more secure with any changes she deems neccesary for him. If she thinks she will be critisized for every little thing she does she wont make changes as freely.

I am cringing at the post where someone mentioned that they'd like to think that these young parents know their child best...........well matter of fact, they DO! that post will certainly create some tension between you and your DIL if you confront the matter. Your son and DIL know what's best for your grandson and you should really not get that involved. What you should do is, like someone else mentioned, offer up some time where he can spend some time with you. Worry about being a grandmother and not a mother. Parenting is a lot of work and I'm sure they don't need a meddling grandmother mixed in. It can ruin relationships. Tread litely. They know their son best and if it is too much for him, they will know, and he will let them know.

Hi S.,
I'm the mother of a 3 y.o. and an 11 week old, as well as aunt to 4, almost 5 and almost 6 yo nephews. I think you're remembering life with bigger kids. We had guests just this weekend including 4 boys aged 9-14. I was amazed that they all wanted to sleep in and asked when that started (the 7yo girl was up with my daughter at day break) The other 2 moms told me it just started for the youngest boy and only b/c he was so active, other wise their best bet was after 10.

Children need to be engaged. They need direction, activities, and to be introduced to a wide range of activities, so that they can find and discover their talents and interests. I feel like under 5 they still have that "baby brain" that soaks up everything and can so easily learn. Our "bad" days at home are the days we don't have activities to do, or only do grown up things like grocery shop. Even arts-n-crafts aren't enough to stimulate a child for the whole day.
Your daughter in law should be praised. Many kids are plopped in front of a television, so that mom and dad can have their time, but it sounds like she works and then devotes her weekends to being a great mom and staying busy.

Hope this makes you feel better.

p.s. - I was a child development specialist for 5 years for a residential home. I worked with ages 5-11 and then with teenagers. So, I'm sharing my thoughts from a wide range of experience 8-)

Hi S.,
It broke my heart a bit to read your story here. I can totally understand why you are feeling the way you do. I first wanted to address the time frame in which your grandson will be in the same building daily. I am assuming that the mother must work full-time and therefore needs the after school care? Also, again, assuming, your grandson is attending a full day of kindergarten? There is much debate over that subject alone. Some states institute an all-day kindergarten while others feel it better to attend either a morning or afternoon session (amounting to about 3 hours a day). For me personally, I think it's a very rough transition for a 5-6 year old to go from being home to being away from home, let alone for an entire day, every day! So, to then couple that with having to stay at that very school well past the end of the school day seems a bit excessive for such a young child. I do though, understand the need for such having been on the other end as a single mom working full time. If it has to be this way then I'd at least encourage mom to find a local and reputible day care provider willing to either pick up the kids from school or have them ride the bus to the providers home. This is what I did with my son and while it was a long day for him, at least getting away from the school to a day-care broke up the routine of school a bit. Plus the child is more likely to view the day care as a fun after-school activity rather than associate that care with school? Am I making sense? I am exhausted just typing this so it does worry my to now contemplate adding in all of the other 'activities' the mother wants to incorporate into your grandson's schedule. I really don't see the need for any of the extra activities at your grandson's age. 1st grade and beyond is the time for a kid to explore their interests and they are usually based on what their friends or other kids are doing! It's all relevant to a social aspect of learning rather than the physical that his mother may think is most important.Let the child decide what they like and dislike and pick ONE thing they rally want to try out. If it fits then great..if not then onto something else. I strongly feel that loading up a child's 'calendar' with endless amounts of activities is detrimental to their ability to learn creativity! Doing all of that is like programming them..and to not think for themselves. What the hell is wrong with playing at HOME and sparking creativity from that? Too many mothers make the mistake of thinking they need to keep their child's mind constantly full. Truth be told, I really think a lot of mothers do this so that they don't have to spend that time with their kid and teach them things themselves. If we are constantly pwning off our kids on someone else's abilities then our kids will never have the opportunity to figure out what they really want nor ever get the chance to know their own parents. I so feel for you and maybe you should explain your concerns to her? Are you in any position to help out with care and scheduling? If so, maybe you could offer to take your grandson after school even if it can only be one day a week..he'd really look forward to that and you can ensure that he gets that 'down time' you know he needs? But, I'd really start at initiating a conversation about all of this, in a very non threatening and non judgemental way of course. I do hope it works out for you and especially your grandson!

My simple answer is, it depends on the kid.

Our son would fall apart if he was scheduled with all of that. A friend of his thrives on it. Some kids are just different when it comes to how many extra activities they can handle. Time will tell which kind of child your grandson is.

It also depends on how the parents spend time with him when they are together. I'm currently home full-time and our son has LOTS of time to just chill and play and get lost in his own world of imagination. Personally, I think that's great and it fits our son well. But I also have to admit that SOMETIMES I spent more quality time with him when I was working part-time or even full-time. Because I got fed professionally, I was ready to be an engaged mom when I was there. Sometimes the volunteer work I do at home takes up more time than I'd care to admit.

That being said, we have made the choice for me to be home because this is what works best for our family. In fact, the last couple of summers, our 11-year-old son has specifically requested that I not work during the summer. And this summer he went a step further and said he'd like to not be scheduled for anything or even go away on any long vacation...except Scout camp and scouting. Fortunately, we have the flexibility for me to be home.

When I was working more hours and our son was in an after-school program, I have to admit he always had lots of friends to play with. It was structured, in that there was supervision. But they basically could choose what they wanted to do--play ball outside, read or play games inside, make some project, bake something, learn something, do homework, etc.

Our neighborhood is not like it was when I was a kid, where there were always kids next door or down the street to play with. I think after-school programs and activities have the potential to provide wonderful play-time and socialization, if they are a good fit for the child.

In our household, your grandson's schedule would be too much for our son. But in his friend's household, it would be awesome. Both families do a lot of family time so it's not like one family does it right and the other doesn't. It's just different.

So, before your heart breaks, spend some time observing the nature of your grandson. It might be right up his alley. If not, your son's family may make some adjustments through time. If both parents need or choose to work, that is their choice. I would certainly say after-school programs and activities are better than having a child home alone.

Just remember to help allow some unstructured time when you have the opportunity to spend time with your grandson. It might just be the respite that refuels him for his next adventure.

Hi S.,

There have been studies done to show that kids do better when they are involved in many activities. I think that your DIL knows best and if you grandson wants to do these things, then he should. It's good to keep him active and involved in things as he would carry this on through out life. Does he have to do the extended care because your DIL and son work? Are you able to help them out after school so he is not there all day? If not, then your DIL and son are just trying to do what is best for everyone if they have to work. Even if I was to try to let my 5 1/2 year old sleep in on the weekends, it wouldn't happen, she is always up and ready to go, wanting to do something. She will be taking dance this fall and I am looking into gymnastics for her as well as girl scouts. I do not think that you should have reason for concern...maybe him doing all of these things are affecting you for some reason (you end up with him for less time) but I am sure he'll do fine and thrive in so many ways than you can imagine. Good luck, it will all work out.

Yes, I agree that many children are overscheduled, and it sounds like your grandson might be heading in that direction, too. While organized activities do have benefits, too much of a good thing can be bad. I have heard the recommendation that one activity per season is enough.
As far as the fact that he will be in an after-school program and therefore stuck in one building and away from family basically from sun up to sun down, it is an unfortunate consequence of this society in which both parents need to work (I assume this is the case, or he wouldnt be in an after-school program) that such things are necessary to support a certain type of lifestyle.
Although my situation is not possible for everyone, I have chosen to take a job where I am able to bring my son with me (Im a nanny), and I am effectively a stay at home mom. Financially, this means we dont have a lot of extra money, but we live a simple and happy life. I would rather "miss out" on unnecessary things like expensive cars and TVs and the latest fashions, and be able to spend time with my son and be here for my husband.
Thats just my opinion :)

Hello S.,
I tend to agree with you that your grandson will be overprogrammed with all those activities. I taught kindergarten for many years, and from what I know, these little ones do need some down time. I'd like to think that these young parents know their child best, but I believe you need to have a talk with them. All the best...
D.