Is My 5 Year Old Spoiled?

D., I don't think your daughter is spoiled, but overwhelmed. She might feel uncomfortable with all the attention. Maybe tone it down a bit? Doing a whole bedroom in one weekend is more than I could handle even without a five-year-old "helping" me! If you just back off a little I'll bet she'll be more positive about the things that you do get her and do for her.
As for purposely hurting your feelings, I doubt that she's that conniving. Are you trying to make up for the time that you're gone, working and at school? I'm a gramma, and what I've learned is that children want mommy's time, not so much what she can buy for them. Good luck!

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I don't think she's spoiled. I think she's just expressing feelings she doesn't think she has the right to express. And, being 5, it's not coming out right. Don't react. She's probably reacting to the BIG EVENT. Changing a bedroom is a big change for a 5 year old. You could ask her what she doesn't like. Really talk to her about it. What isn't working and work your way to what DOES work for her about the new room. It will take some time. You are not goignto change the room. She was part of the redecorating effort. But, I think that probably what's underneath this is TIME--time spent that's not about trying to get something done. Set up some cozy pillows on her bed or on the floor and spend time in the NEW ROOM looking at the books together. Make the room a place where you do fun things together. She'll come around. If you have to change one little thing, I'd concede, (maybe you'll find out that she doesn't like a color or how something smells) but you need to take the time to have the discussion with her in an unhurried way with nothing else scheduled. That's hard to do. Hear her out and respect her feelings. My guess is that she's reacting to the change and it will be less of a problem after you talk it out without (you) feeling put out.

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Hey D., Yes your little 5 yr. old sounds good & spoiled... and that's O.K.!!! Five year olds' are geniuses at manipulation. Your little Princess is just "Practicing" on her most responsive audience! YOU. You sound like a wonderful, caring & thoughtful Mom! Who is throughly enjoying these short, precious years before PEERS and OUTSIDE ENVIRONMENT steals most of your little girls' attention right out from in front of your nose.

What might help the Rudeness Situation is you Out-Adulting her in your responses and reactions to her hurtful comments. Deal w/ those in the same way you would deal w/ any other offense she made that a strong parent would not put up with. Perhaps letting her know how surprised and very disappointed you are in her making each and any hurtful comment. But w/o feeding her attempt for dramatic (negative) attention, more matter-of-factlike.
You choose whether the comment deserves consequences or " an ignored response "... ie." O.K., honey, maybe in a little more time you'll start to like your new room again." And just leave it alone w/ that. She's probably just "pushing your buttons" to get more of your attention when she sees you involved in something other than her. Which is normal for a Five yr. old to want, but would be very unhealthy for her to receive (especially On Demand) the way she is trying to get attention!
Continue to love and enjoy your smart daughter trying NOT to take personally her attempts of manipulation. Hope this advice helps a little and relieves your alarm in her behavior...that's all it is. Typical Older Toddler/Preschool Behavior. T. E.Bay

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Hi D., your story really grabbed me and I think maybe because I remember having similar feelings towards my mom during those years. I am now 31 years old, with an 11 year old son and a 2 year old daughter. I know all about the ups and downs of being a mom! And my 2 year old is already showing her attitude in her terrible 2's! I have also been a single mom and now a married mom all while having a full-time career taking up a lot of my time. I remember my mom being very busy and on the go alot. She was not there to see or hear alot of things that were bothering me, like if someone hurt my feelings at school or something. It is easy for girls to internalize pains and frustrations. My mom however, did spoil me and now looking back, I realize that she overcompensating me for many things, including her absence. We had a disfunctional family, that she didn't deal with. I do not want to assume that, that is the case with you and your daughter. Your daughter maybe feeling like she would just value your quality time more than these things that are bought? Even though you do them together, she is so young and I think that if she were at a more mature age, like a teen...she might identify you trying to connect with her that way by doing a bigger project. I believe that because she is still a little girl, she might want mom to just sit down and read a book, or do a puzzle and talk. She is at an age where she needs to be involved in things and have your guidance. She said, "I had fun painting" and kind of overlooked all the nice new things, just says to me that her heart needs you. Children can also express themselves through painting, so I would encourage you to sit with her and paint pictures and talk about what she paints. Start off by saying, "Sweetie, I have some free time right now, would you like me to read you a story? Or paint some pictures with you? Once you do it, then get her talking. Tell her that you have noticed that something is on her mind and lovingly get to the bottom of what is bothering her. Then at least you will know that her behavior means something. Little girls feel things just like us grown women, however, they don't communicate like grown people. It would make sense to me that she is crying out about something by her attitude. I hope this helps you:)
~N. DuBois

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I have 4 children and one on the way. My daughter is 5 also and occasionally throws fits, but compared to her brothers, a dream... It isn't my daughter that acts that way, it's my son. My answer is yes, take it away. I take my son out & have a 'date' with him and then he thinks it's 'expected'. That it's owed to him. It has been my experience that kids who have a lot think that the world owes them something when in fact, someone just did something nice for them. I tell my son that he needs to treat people with respect whether or not they give him anything. It's about teaching her to respect you. It's a life long thing. They need to learn to respect those in authority over them. Yes, it's a constant battle, but one I feel is one of the most important battles to have. You can lay down the law. Don't feel bad, girls especially like to do the guilt trip.. I know I did when I was little. But it NEVER worked with my mom! Just stay strong, don't let what she says hurt your feelings. It's normal for the kids to say that they don't like you or whatever. I tell my kids "Good, it's not my job to make sure you like me, it's my job to teach you what's right." That's how I look at things. Good luck to you. I'll be praying for you. You can do it!
B.

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Dear D.,

One of the toughest things I learned while teaching was to NOT take the children's action to HEART. It is a very difficult thing to do however your child is still very young and she is only responding to you this way because 1) she can, & 2) she is obviously getting some sort of reaction out of you. It is just my personal opinion that your daughter will likely try these tactics other adults (& children) to check the reactions she is getting.

I remember the 1st time my 3 y/o DD said 'you're NOT my friend anymore!' I was so crushed, I wanted to cry but I quickly realized that this is how children her age act and I didn't take it personal. I know it's very hard to do this esp. with our own children but I would suggest that every time she says something rude or hurts your feelings you respond very nonchalantly & positively. Maybe say 'well I think your room is beautiful and I LOVE the colorsa you chose'. If she continues or tries to antagonize you then just ignore the negative.

Good luck!

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Hi D.,
I have two questions? One, what is she watching on TV and the other does she get time outs(discipline) for being rude or disrespectful?
I have noticed kids from all ages are influenced by their TV choices. With that said you might monitor her TV. Next you might consider some kind of appropriate discipline for her behavior. My guess is she is trying to see how much control she can get over you. I highly suggest you get a handle on it before she is a teen. You think its hard now. Thats where you set the boundries for her. It will be really hard at first but it will be for her benefit for life. You sound like a really loving and caring mother. I hope you find the strenght to love her enough to set boundries. It will change everything.
Blessings~

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D.,

Just by the tone of your e-mail, it sounds like you're really stressed. I bet it has a lot more to do with "first time mom, full time college student and work part time" than your daughter.

Raising children is hard enough, but with all that other stuff you end up "wanting to rip your hair out."

I say cut something out. Your children are only young once.

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Hi D.! I think she is very spoiled. I think that you need to take control of her, and not let her feel that she intimidates you or can act that way and get her room decorated. You need to stand on your grounds and let her know that her actions have consequences and hold her to them and that you are in control.
If you let her continue like this she will treat you and everyone else like that and ultimately the one that suffers is her in the future then you will really start crying when she gets fired from jobs or can't find a longlasting relationship due to her attitude. How far are you going to let it get bad!
YOu may still be able to teach her this it may be too late later if you let her continue with this behavior and not ground her or strongly let her feel those actions are intolerable. And no she doesn't get to redecorate her room again she had her chance specially acting like this.. hope that helps. AG

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I don't know the full attitude of your daughter but I have a 5 year old girl as well. I have been known to be a bit harsh. But..here is what I would do. Remove the things from her room. We as a parent are in charge of their attitudes. I read a good parenting book that says to discipline the attitude not the action. I would guess that her prob has nothing to do with the things she is recieving but something else. It is important for her character sake that you figure out what is going on here and help her. This may seem a bit extreme but if you attend a church or now of a good one perhaps some one else could counsel her on it. Sometimes words come better from someone other than your mom. I know I tend to listen to others advice myself. I hope this was somewhat helpful. God Bless. Oh and don't let her hurt your feelings, she has no idea that she is causing these kinds of feelings to you. Kids love pleasing moms and she just has something confusing her there.

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I've found little girls to be very funny creatures. And, yes, I suppose all of us mommy's were little girls once, too, lol!

I don't think your daughter knows why she suddenly feels so cranky. Most likely, it's the let down that follows the excitement. My daughter does exactly the same thing, as if nothing good ever lives up to expectations. I think what happens is that in her imagination everything is so perfect, and it is going to make her so very happy, that reality can never live up. The dilemma of the perfectionist (which many little girls, like my daughter, seem to naturally be). I really don't think "spoiled" is the right word, although my daughter can be spoiled about some things, but emotionally it seems to come from a different place, not from a sense of entitlement.

What I'm learning to do with my daughter is simply tone everything down. Lower expectations going in, keep things very simple, treat less often, etc. Experience the joy of sitting in our PJ's reading books together, or making a puzzle, and then talking about how nice that was. Learning that these are the best "treats." Ultimately, my daughter really is a simple child, who likes to stay close to home, not have much change, watch a lot of movies, talk with her friends, and shop (not that she needs a thing - we talk a lot about that, too, about choices AND what the heck you DO with all that stuff!).

The funny thing is that material things can't make our children happy, but the children believe they can. And, often, us parents believe the same (we are, after, products of the same society our children are, and the subliminal messages of advertising are a tough thing to fight). It's like having been sold a false bill of goods. The more we can do to help them reconcile the reality of the experience with the false expectation, the happier the child - and the parent - will be. They need to learn, for example, that creating a new room is fun, and something they will subtly appreciate for a long time, but isn't a magic bullet that will suddenly make every day glorious. And, yes, the problem is that she believed it would.

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I notice that you're working and going to school, in addition to raising your daughter. Her acting out may be simply a 5-year-old's way of trying to get more attention from her Mommy. Remember, when a need is truly met, it goes away - it doesn't get worse. Try to dig deeper and figure out what your daughter's real needs are and meet those needs. It may not be new things she's craving, but just more face-time with you. Best of luck to you.

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Hi D.!

I don't think she's spoiled. I think that it's wonderful that you involved her in the creative process with her room. That is on my to-do list with mine.

My daughter is 5 and sometimes has a similar attitide. I think it must just be a normal part of their personality development. I simply tell her, "It's not okay to be mean to me." When she asks for attention or me to do something for her, I say, "You can do it yourself. You were mean to me and I don't want to play with you (or help you, or look at your picture) right now." Usually she will apologize in short order and go back to being her sweet self.

She has to learn that being mean has consequences.

Good luck!
L.

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she's 5!!!! they're like that. hot and cold. if she sees that that kind of stuff gets to you she'll see that she has power and control and it will only get worse. just ignore it. "i don't like my new room". Response "I'm sorry to hear that, we're not going to change it now, maybe we can talk about that another time. Oh look, a squirrel". seriously, just redirect her and don't get into it. five year olds are not going to be grateful and gracious and conscious of your feelings. they test. they push. they experiment with their power over you. and, it's probably just a phase. go with it.

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I think it sounds perfectly plausible and believable that your daughter BOTH had fun painting and decorating her room AND she doesn't like it now. It's also possible (stay with me) that she will like it again after she gets used to it.

She is FIVE, and part of that means that she's very much in the moment (feels those feelings right then!) and that she couldn't possibly have understood when you began the redecorating project that it meant a permanent (or semipermanent) change to her room. She could understand the words, if you explained it, but she would have no point of reference or way to anticipate how she would feel about it later on. It's a big change for her!

It's important to remember that she's not trying to hurt your feelings and she's not being mean. She's having a reaction of her own. I think when you say she has an attitude with you when you do nice things for her like this, it's developmental. What seems like a fun total-make-over project could just be too much change for a young child. Or it could be so much excitement that she has a let-down response later.

Maybe you can find a time when she's not stressed out and you are not angry, to talk about it. It seems reasonable to let her know that you tried to make her happy by doing that project (and you had fun together doing it!), so it hurts your feelings when she says she doesn't like it. I think it's also reasonable for her not to like it, so you have to make room for her opinion, too. Maybe you can sort of slowly, calmly talk about the parts of it -- the colors she picked out, something you changed, something you kept the same, etc. Maybe in conversation she'll settle into it and decide she likes it. Maybe she can agree to "live with it" for X days and just think about it -- sometimes people change their minds. On the other hand, if she REALLY doesn't like it, I think maybe then the conversation could shift to how to adapt it, put some things back the way they were, or something like that.

Keep it simple, and be sure she hears loud and clear that you love her so much, so even though you're frustrated about how the redecoration turned out (that is, her reaction not liking it after it was done), together you'll find a way to live with it or adapt it or whatever.

Any way about it, you're not an idiot. You're a mom!

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I go through the same thing with my 6 year old girl. I think all the focus and attention on them during holidays such as their birthday and Christmas is tough. My daughter always acts out on her birthday if the group is too large. So, we try to keep it smaller. YOu may want to start on an allowance and have her start to earn her extra toys. As far as the room goes, you should think about all the memories you created. You did it together and allowed her to be creative. She will always remember that.

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Age 5 is a tricky one. They want to be all gorun up and on the other had thes are still onli 5 years. Don't stick them in a corner not good. take away of some of her prilages.

She'e not a bad bad child, She just gets frustrated when she don't really no what to do. and If she desiced to through a fit. Put her in her room for 20 min. Most inmpotenthe is that you give her something she like to do just have her do it in her room. Trust me in time it will work. Make deals with her.
EXample you want her to clean her room bagen with her. i would make dea or bargen her. if she want to go get ice cream.

You tell her in order to get the ice cream she as to clean her room. what ever you do . do not give in to her. Your the patrent she is the child, secret don't cream and yell if she troughs a fit do not give into ther demiz.

Kids will be kids just got to love them.

If i can be of some service don't hesitat cecken back with.
I hope this helps a little.
Your frend V.

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I have a six year old girl who pulls the same stunts with me. I have found that when I take away whatever it is that she's not "appreciating" (and sometimes actually throw it in the garbage can), she reconsiders and changes her attitude. Like adults, a lot of times you don't appreciate what you have until you lose it. Try it. Take away the shelves and whatever else she doesn't like from her room and leave it bare. She'll appreciate it then.

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I know how you feel about wanting to do nice things for your kids & then they don't even realize how lucky they are. I have an almost 5yo boy who is the same way. (I got Pottery Barn dinosaur sheets on sale for him & he couldn't have cared less until his dad explained how my feelings were hurt.)I know I don't spoil him. He is not allowed to whine, must say please & thank you, & doesn't get away with bad behavior. Sometimes, on a bad day, he has 4-5 time outs! I think what both of our kids need is a visit to skid row. Let's show them how less fortunate people live & explain how some children have to sleep in a car or shelter, instead of a newly decorated room. It may take a few times, but they will eventually get it.

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I have four daughters, three of them are five years and up. Five is a tough age, full of growth and a lot of new experiences, especially if they started kindergarten. I really like the responses from Debbie W and Tracy C. They are practical and right on with my own experiences. We want so much for our children and give them so many experiences and things we never had as children. We expect them to appreciate this, but they just can't as they have never know life any other way. I once told my oldest the story of my only having three barbies growing up. She thought that was so sad she cried. I didn't tell it to her to make her sad, but to help her appreciate what she had. Daughters are complex funny creatures. I totally agree with the attitude coming from the let down after a big afternoon or event. Don't let her disrespect you but don't feel the need to punish her for not being appreciative enough, children don't mean to seem or be ungrateful. Don't pay extra attention to her if she is being rude. Don't follow her trying to find out what might be the problem, don't engage in extra conversation, it sounds as if she is just trying to manipulate you. If she can't be polite she should spend some time by herself. It's all part of being five and trying to get her own way, even if she doesn't know exactly what she wants. Don't despair, you sound like a great mom. Make sure you give her an extra hug at bedtime on the days you feel least like doing it. You'll both feel better. Take Care.

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D.,
My 6 year old does the same thing. If she's had good behavior for the week we will do something special like go to the park or stop for a scoop of ice cream after school on Friday's. Later in the evening she will be rude to me and even to my husband.
From what you sent I don't think your daughter is spoiled. I don't think there is anything wrong with doing something special for you child every once in a while. You let her decide how she wanted her room and it sounds like you had a really good time. I wish I had some advice but I'm anxious to see what advice you do get, I sure could use a little myself. You are not alone in this one. -Cindi

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I work with kids and have experienced the "me" generation that one post talked about. I think the core of this issue is often a lack of empathy. This may come from too much TV and shows that model disrespectful behavior and not nearly enough empathy (particularly with the tweens). It may come from a lack of guidance on moral issues (books like the how to be good series can be good). Sometimes it is a cry for personal attention. There can be many causes. It sounds like you know how to hold your ground with her (even if it tears you up inside). It seems that nowadays there are less opportunities to really help our children learn about empathy. We are often two income families. Teachers are so converned with our kids passing the state tests that they no longer use social skills and ampathy building activities in class. I actually had one teacher tell me that if the kids didn't learn social skills by 2nd grade there was nothing she could do with them because it was all academic from then on. Can you believe it. And unfortunately she is not in the minority. The TV or movies for some kids are the only place they learn about social behavior.

Some things that I have tried with my own kids:
*Reading bookd about people who have helped others or had less than others and went on to be amazing people.
*Watching movies where we pause the movie and comment on what just happened, what the charaters might be feeling and thinking and what we think about the choices they have made.
*Limiting TV and Video games and then having them do something to help out in the house if they want extra time.
*Having my children buy a gift for another child that they would really want themselves and knowing that they will NEVER get that particular gift themselves (Like toys for tots during christmas).
*Pointing out everyday behavior and how it affects others while shopping, going to parks etc. (particularly praising other children from afar and notcing things like how much fun they are having or how good they must feel about themselves or how happy it seems they made the other person)
*Lots of praise for doing the right thing.
*Remaining calm but firm with discipline and letting them have their feelings without taking them on myself or blaming myself for them (they are allowed to have their feelings no matter how strong, but they are not allowed to harm others)
*ANd I have put them both onto "That's the Ticket" It is a family game where the kids earn tickets for good behavior and can buy things like TV time, going to the park, a $5.00 shopping spree etc. They get tickets taken away for misbehavior (calmly and matter of factly). You can look it up on the internet. The main idea is that nothing is for free and we have to earn everything including respect...but never love!
I hope some of this helps. Your little girl...and you...will be learning a lot from each other! Keep up the good work and don't worry. Your love is the main ingredient and you have tons of that!
M.

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D. does she act differently when you do not do anything speacial for her? Also is she tired, hungrey or having a battle of the wills when she acts out.
You could definately tell her that it hurts mommy's feeling when she acts that way,at the time she is doing it, as she will not relate or understand what your talking about if you randomly bring up her behavior after the fact.
I have not done this before, new to me, the mama source, my kids are 16 & 17 1/2, but I remember them well at 5, they are smart and test us all the time, and they forget fast!

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All five year olds are absolutely obnoxious, at least some of the time. She's also probably exploring her boundaries with you and trying to see what she can get away with. You know if she's spoiled, set your boundaries of appropriate behavior and stick to them. Be as consistant as you can be and try not to worry about it too much. If you have a disciplinary system great, if not try 1,2,3, Magic, it works wonders, if you are very consistant and can get everyone who helps you raise her on board. Hang in there!
-K.

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She is definitely working her power with you! Has anything changed in her life recently? New baby, separation, a move? I think she is just pushing your buttons to see how far she can get. I would tell her it hurts your feelings when she talks to you like that and you are not going to go out of your way to do special things for her if she is going to have attitude about it later. The next time you do something special for her, I would remind her that she needs to say thank you or whatever it is will be returned to the store.

***Just read the second part of your bio and saw that you did in fact move recently. This may be why she is acting like this~ it's an outlet for her frustration over your move. I would have a conversation with her about it and maybe let her draw a picture to send to her old friends. Even if you don't really have a way to send it, it would be therapeutic for her.

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I am a single mom of a daughter who is now 14 yrs old. I have been struggling with this myself. My daughter started at a young age also and is still doing it today. I had a conversation with my sister a while back and discovered our kids are from the me generation. That is exackly how they act its all about me. My suggestion is to point out to her how she is hurting your feelings and that you will not do special things for her (give time frame)and let her know how would she feel if you did that to her. Not sure if that will work on her but give it a try. When my daughter was five it did now, not so much.

I am a single mom, work full time job and go to college myself. I am 37 yrs old.

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Hi D.- what a loving mother you are, to even have the courage to ask whether your child might be "spoiled". That term is such a loaded one that I'm going to bypass it for something more to the point- your daughter is only five years old. Children of that age tend to behave 'rudely' when they are tired/stressed/out of their regular rhythm- a bit like grown-ups, actually, if we are truthful. The occasions you mention for her rudeness would all very likely have tired or stressed her- the big high followed by the big crash.

At the same time, it sounds like you actually expect her to have the maturity to modify her feelings and behaviour out of a sense of gratitude- but that is a capacity way beyond her years. Try settling her down into her most comfy routine, and she'll probably be much more enjoyable to be around.

As for not liking her room anymore- that's only to be expected in a little one- it was the experience of creating her room this way which mattered. i'd let it drop as an item of conversation- most children, as long as they are comfortable, and not surrounded by truly loud or strong decor, don't really mind what their rooms look like- she senses that this gets a rise out of you, so I'd change the subject for the time being. If she really hates it, you'll know about it and can think about maybe a new coat of paint- applied at a time when you can both enjoy the experience.

Wishing you good times-R

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Hi D.. My name is Cindy and I am the mother of 3. I have 2 boys, ages 8 and 6, and a little girl, age 3. All children have to be taught thankfulness. With mine, I feel like it is almost a daily discussion. My first responce when they start to behave that way is to stop the behaviour. I will tell them that that behaviour is unacceptable and I did not bring them in this world to be ungrateful little heathens'. And that if their behaviour doesn't change, then I will not go out of my way to do or buy extra little things that they might like but don't need. Also, this year at Christmas, my 6 year old could only remember 1 gift he had received for Christmas. I was shocked. Especially after all my efforts to make it special. I decided that next year they can write their letter to Santa for their 1 gift that they want more than anything. The rest is going to be charity. We will go shopping for a needy family. We also attended a fundraiser on New Years Eve this year that raised money for children who have cancer. We plan on doing that every year. My hope is that by teaching them to be charitable, they will learn to be grateful for what they have. Good luck with your daughter. Remember, when she acts out, it is an opportunity to teach. Try not to let it make you sad.

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