Is Lack of Confidence or Last of Education a TURN off to MEN ???

I just spent an entire weekend with a total of 8 strong women. We are all between a size 2 and a size 22. We had a 3 day bachelorette party and most of us had either never met before and had met briefly once. We all went to a club at midnight (I'm a working, homeschooling mom of 3 - so I'm usually in bed by 10pm) and closed it down. 21 year old guys were grinding on us. We had bright pink wigs and laughed our butts off. They were ALL over us. One guy asked my name and I replied, "Married." He backed up and looked scared. I then proceeded to tell him that we all were and most of us have kids. Nobody believed we were aged 35 to 48. Sexuality or the ability to turn the opposite sex on, is NOT about a college degree (even though I have 3 of them). It IS about feeling good about who you are.

I've gained a quite a bit of weight after having children. I'm extremely active, but I'm not the size 10 I was when I met my husband, who literally has only 20 pounds of body fat on him. He finds me completely sexy. I don't show my body off with trashy clothing, no fake boobs, no fake nails - nothing - barely even any make-up. I dated constantly in high school and college. I was never short on interested men.

Here's what sage advice I can give you. Find something that makes you feel like a woman and go do it. Push yourself to the limit and see where it can take you. I had never been to a bachelorette party before. I was nervous. I could have bowed out, but instead, I took a breath and went along. I almost stayed in the car and slept, since I was the designated driver....but I went. I danced. I laughed. I flirted.(I think the wig helped.) We got in at 3am. I sent a pic on my phone to my husband of me at the club with this pink wig. I can tell you, when he got the picture the next am (since he was home with our 3 kids) he was like, "Oooooooo. SO hot." When I arrived home, he said, "I am so proud of you for going. I know this is not normally something you would do, but I'm glad you did." We proceeded to have amazing sex last night. I know, TMI.

Try things you normally might not....even if it's scary. Pole-dancing classes. Buy a box of toys online or in a store that you might find intriguing - even if you find you don't like it - you tried it. Wear sexy lingerie to bed once in a while. Get someone to take the kids overnight. Get rid of grandma bras and underwear and start wearing matching colored thongs and bras....so when he sees you getting ready in the morning, he'll know all day what underwear you are wearing. (Mine are super comfy and I get the undies cheap at Kohl's.) Surprise him by locking the door in the bedrom while the kids are playing and give him some pleasure and then get up and walk away. Do things out of the ordinary....meaning, take him off guard. Guys love that. Trust me. They want someone who keeps them on their toes....and it's not ALL about sex, but trust me, most of it is.

You don't have to have a degree or an education to be sexy. I think doing things, or rather accomplishing things (whatever they may be) give you confidence. Maybe start taking a night class and start working toward your degree, if that's something you want for yourself. Men find that sexy as well.

For me, I birthed 3 babies at home, unassisted, and I felt like I could hike Mt. Everest with the best of them. It's about accomplishing something for yourself. Raising your children is an accomplishment as well, but for some woman, the accomplishment needs to be self-satisfying. For example, I love my kids, but I don't get a huge feeling of accomplishment from the day to day interactions with them. I need a little "me" time to really do things that make me feel like I am authentically living....and in turn, a turn on to my husband.

Don't let you ex still control your life. Do things that make you feel alive. Your husband will notice.

8 moms found this helpful

Hi M.,
I am the one who wrote to you about confidence. Confidence can indeed come from education, but I was really referring to confidence coming from within. Knowing that you are strong, capable, a good mother, attractive. Believing in yourself. Knowing you can cope with whatever life throws at you; sometimes faith can play a major role here. Having some hobbies/interests outside the home.

Like I said earlier, I also think you are definitely moving in the right direction with your exercise plan. This is from Men's Health Magazine: "A woman who stands tall typically a) dresses well, b) exercises often, and c) is confident about her body and what it's good for. And if she's proud of her figure no matter what shape or size, that makes men take notice, as well."

2 moms found this helpful

I think he may have known you did not have a College Education when he married you. That has nothing to do with him not wanting to have sex with you. But I think acting needy all the time might, I am not saying that is the way you act. I know when I sometimes act out with my husband I know it is a huge turn off because I know I was acting a bit needy. Is there any reason you have not gone to counseling alone to help build your self up. You would have someone to share your concerns with so you can be the confident women you want to be. I do not have a College Education, I stay home with my child, my husband is a intelligent man. He likes our lifestyle, its old fashion and I like it to. I know my husband likes it when I am confident about my self and how I run our household. Dont be so hard on your self, I am sure your a wonderful person. We all need help now and again.

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Hogwash.
being respectful is what men see as love. Showing respect and saying you respect some decision or something they did or do or anything just saying I respect you is what a man needs. Plus the physical is a need then caring and a good meal. That is all the education most men see unless they are very vain and insecure themsleves. Love your man.

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Having confidence just means you are okay with yourself. You can do all kinds of external things like educate yourself, but that won't necessarily make you confident. Confidence is a knowing that you are good enough, even if you lack college degrees, the perfect figure, or some amazing talent.
Don't listen to outside voices that say you have to be a career woman to be of any value. Listen to your heart, the smart voice that says, being a SAH mom is one of the most valuable things you could ever do because you get to mold and shape your children's values and characters which is far more worthwhile than having more money to spend on stuff. If you truly don't feel you are living up to your potential, then do something about it. Go to school, get fit, whatever it is. But don't do if it harms your family life. If you have kids to raise, take pride in that and pursue something when they are older.

I don't think in the scope of this message I can tell you how to be more confident, but here are some tips: Hide the crazy (when you have huge episodes of self doubt and neediness, don't let it all hang out with your man. Confide you feelings with a close friend instead and wait for the feelings to pass if they are irrational. Obviously you should be able to tell you husband anything, just learn the difference between rational and irrational and downplay your irrationality)

I don't think men judge woman on the same scale that women judge men. But if he has respect issues it probably isn't lack of education. Are you hardworking at what you do tackle? Then thats good enough.

I wont' attempt to offer any thoughts on why he may not be interested in sex because there isn't enough info to go on, but the answer to you question is no. I don't think lack of eduction is his issue or he wouldn't have married you to begin with. He was obviously fine with it.

1 mom found this helpful

You are being too hard on yourself. Lack of an education does not mean you are not smart. You were smart enough to get away from your first husband. Now that is in the past and it is time for you to take control of you. You sound like you might be your own worst enemy. If you are feeling uneducated and not confident, it will stop you from being you and will affect your relationship with others and how they see you. I would say that the two of you could benefit from marriage counseling, but also that maybe you could start seeing someone to help you bring out the woman you are so that you can have better relationships with others and yourself as well!

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I don't know if lack of education and confidence alone would be a turn off. I guess it would depend on the man. I imagine there are still men out there who are traditionalists -- Who find a dependent, soft-spoken, compliant woman to be exactly what a woman should be.

My husband is not among them and nor are any of his crew of friends (really they are more like brothers). Each and every one of them have married strong women and each and every one of them shares all family roles equally and some have been married 15 years now...Not a divorce among us. That is not to say I might not occasionally wish I wasn't taking out the garbage or shoveling the driveway or that my husband might sometimes wish I didn't always have a book in my hand or that a 5 course dinner was always waiting for him when he got home. But at the end of the day, we are pretty happy.

Is this something you are concerned about personally or generally? Either way, I guess I would worry less about how education and confidence impacted the husband and worry more how I felt about it and what actions I was going to take to change for MYSELF for MYSELF.

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No. Self esteem and confidence comes from within and in KNOWING you are worth it. Not from degrees on your wall. Perhaps you could benefit from some individual counseling. Good luck!

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I would have to agree with the fact the confidence comes from within. I have a degree but even now I would rather be at home with my children. Confidence has nothing to do with my profession, degrees etc....I teach my children confidence in every way I can. I never tell them that confidence comes from what they are instead of who they are. I, too, was married to a man who wanted to take every bit of self-esteem out of me so I would be totally dependent on him. It was never going to happen and that is why I left. It was a minor setback in our lives. I tell my older kids (the ones that our not his kids) that it was all a bump in the road and we will succeed in life because he wanted us to be insecure. If we don't make a good life for ourselves then we are just letting him succeed. Maybe you need to go and talk to a counselor and let them pump you up. Confidence leads to so many positive things in a person's life.

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M.,
I read your previous post and felt the need to respond. I think that different men are attracted to different types of women. Some men may be threatened by the type of woman you describe as confident and then some will be turned on by that. Just really a prersonal preference by the guy. My feelings are that he was and is attracted to you because he did marry you and you guys have a child together.

I know you said that your husband doesn't have difficulty with being able to have sex...perhaps he does. Maybe the times he is "tired" he knows things will net work (know what I mean?). I think maybe it might be good to keep in mind that when he had that romantic vacation he was younger.

I guess the bottom line is: try and not make his lack of sexual interest a problem with you. I don't mean that to sound harsh at all...if it does I am sorry. I really think it is something with him and I would encourage you to keep trying to talk with him. I have sought out professional counseling before with different life issues that has come up in my life and that has helped a great deal. Perhaps it would help in this situation. It sounds like you are doing the right things, addressing the things that you find are a problem, for example working out. You sure sound like a sensitive woman who loves her man deeply. Hang in there. I hope that you are able to get to the bottom of what the difficulty is.
C.

Confidence has nothing to do with education or past experiences. Confidence is the belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities. You can derive just as much confidence from entertaining and teaching a child, cooking a meal or managing a home as you can from working out of the house. It all depends on you and your attitude. It is more difficult to maintain self-confidence without doing something for yourself that is enriching. Stretching your mind, body or spirit through reading, community service, physical exertion, meaningful conversations with others are just a few ways, that I have found, to build confidence and give your life meaning, and, of course, spending time with your family. You know what makes you feel good, just do more of it and the confidence will radiate from you. I don't know anything about the person you're specifically asking about, but building self-esteem is much more important than trying to guess what a man wants or doesn't want. If a man loves you, he will want you to have confidence and self-esteem and believe me, he will want to have sex with you, even more so when you are feeling good about yourself.

A clingy needy person can be a big turnoff. In the beginning, its a turn on, the man feels he is needed and important, but after awhile it becomes a burden.

In most good strong relationships, the man and woman need to have similiar intellect. That doesn't necessary mean college degrees, but if one is much more sucessful or educated, and the other isn't, often it can be difficult for them to communicate about a varitey of things and to keep the same social circles.

i don't think its true..i have done experiments where i "dummy up" and guys always start telling me what a "doll" i am..most guys i know like soft women..unless the guy is a bit feminine then they like a stronger woman..they're all different.

Education doesn't need college degrees. The local library has everything you
need to be an interesting person.
B. v.O.

Updated

Education doesn't need college degrees. Every thing you need to be interesting is at you local library. Just go for it.
B. v.O.

There are some men who seem to want a more subdued woman, but the majority want women who are strong and could stand on their own if they needed/wanted to. The men want to take care of us but they also want a woman who could stand on her own but chooses to let them be the provider.

I have faded away from 20+ years in the LDS (Mormon) church and in a situation similar to what you have posted. My experience has been women as 2nd class citizens and all LDS males had direct connection to God hence men could give 'priesthood blessings' and women's prayers would be ok but not as powerful as a man's.

Men were trained in leadership and women trained to serve men and children. When a woman divorces and has spent a lifetime of equating obedience with holiness, it is extremely difficult to make decisions. The polygomous Mormons (FLDS) are different only in their clothing and group marriage. And LDS believe someday they'll go back to polygomy anyhow.

I believe other conservative religious groups also have submissive women who have snapped and gotten their brain back but find it difficult to re-enter the world to become independent, much less be concerned over what a (new) man may think of her.

From a 58 yr old gal, today's men prefer women to be strong, confident, capable, independent. I think there are men from more rural areas that still want to be the man of the house, they do want to care for their wives and children and enjoy being depended upon but the modern man wants a strong mate. A gal w/o an education, w/o skills for a job, and no self esteem would be a pretty sorry sight and a whimpering mess. Just because a gal has no formal secondary education or specific job skills does not make a woman incapable of finding work, less strong, less capable = less sexy, not at all. It's all about the self esteem. Without that, I think a woman is much less attractive in many ways to a man. It would be like taking in an abused dog. Their not sexy, they need consistency, kind words and actions to begin to trust humans again before thay can give love back. The only guy that would get caught up with a gal like that would be a rescuer and they often have severe issues of their own.

You want answers to a specific situation that only you and your husband can answer. You need some marriage counseling.