Is It Possible That We Are Growing Apart?

Hi L.,
You work out in the gym every week. That's Great!
You went back to school. Super!
You are a mother of two children. That's Awesome!
You are a homemaker. 24/7!!
You are cook, cleaner, organizer, transporter, planner, hub (center) of the family. I admire you already!
Self Esteem is the way you view yourself. It is your opinion of you. Change your opinion of yourself. Start seeing all the things that you are and do and praise yourself for it! Low self esteem is low respect for yourself. If you don't respect who you are, how can others? Your children aren't keeping you from being you. They aren't holding you back. They are giving you a chance for a lifetime of new experiences and to excell at motherhood which is much more profitable to you than more college classes.
We all lose a little of "ME" in a marriage and replace it with "US". You aren't just "ME" anymore you are "FAMILY." When you and your husband got married your me's became US. (the two shall become one) You, your hubby, your 2 children are US and ours. Me, myself and I are blended into a family unit and take a back seat to "us." Thats what marriage is. A blending of two units! Let's say you are RED and hubby is YELLOW. Blended together you make ORANGE. You are not red any longer and hubby is not yellow. You are both orange and orange is beautiful. I can still see a hint of yellow and red in the orange color but the orange is now dominant.
After 30 + years of marriage and 5 children I have learned that life changes. No season is forever. I didn't have time to go to the gym or go back to school. Now that my kids are older, I can do whatever I want and I love it! When my marriage got dull, I pampered my hubby and got the fun going again. I tried to be such a good cook etc. that if I weren't around, he'd miss me terribly! When you are married to a professional you HAVE to be interested in many things or have many hobbies. He won't have time to entertain you. Join a club or volunteer for Hospice. But first, respect yourself so others will admire that trait in you. If you're not as close to your hubby as you used to be, who moved? You are wasting too much time on ME, Pour all your energy and time into US and see the big difference! God Bless.

2 moms found this helpful

The movie Fireproof is the first thing I thought of, too! =) We are doing a small group study based on the movie right now. It really gets you thinking about your marriage & what you're bringing to it -- or getting from it. Fireproof is all about growing apart & not having that "feeling" any more. But things can turn around!!! Another option is a great book called the 5 Love Languages. It'll teach you how to love your husband in his love language, and help you figure out yours. If he is willing, he can start loving you in your love language, too. It's awesome! My last suggestion is counseling. Whether he joins you or not, you need to get past the hurt of him cheating on you. You have to love yourself like God loves you...and love him the same way!! This is not an easy hurdle to overcome, but you CAN do it!! I pray that God blesses your actions & turns your life around for/with you!

2 moms found this helpful

It's definitely possible that you are growing apart, but the thing to remember is that you can only control what you do and how you develop. You cannot control what your husband does or thinks. It also sounds like you are basing your self esteem on having a career and being a "professional". I've been a stay at home mom for 15 years. It took some serious attitude adjustment to realize that the "job" of stay at home mom is one of the toughest, but most worthwhile jobs in the world. You get paid nothing and rarely even get thanked, but the reward comes in raising well adjusted, happy children. You also need to decide what makes you feel good about yourself. I have given myself permission to spend time each day doing things I love to do, especially when the kids are at school. I meet friends for lunch, write in my journal, meditate and listen to positive music and speakers. I've found that my relationships mirror how I feel about myself. When I feel good about myself, my relationships run smoothly. When I'm tired, run down or feeling bad about myself, my relationships are more rocky. Take very good care of yourself and see where it takes you. It may be bring the spark back into you and your marriage. Good luck!

Hi L.,
Very possible, but you'll only grow apart if you and your husband allow for it to. There are great steps to take to bring it back to earlier years and be 'happy' again. But marriage does take work, we all know that but sometimes dont' make the time and effort.
FIREPROOF and 5 LOVE LANGUAGES are also what I thought of. We're in a group that is currently doing the love languages, and my husband and I recently watched Fireproof -- both very helpful. There's also another book that I recommend if you're open to reading (though I was a Psychology BA, too, and there's a lot of reading to keep up with!) but it's called "The Power of A Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian. Things changed for me after just reading the first chapter...could've been coincidence, but I WAS taking time and effort by reading it in order to further my marriage ;0)
Blessings to you and your family!
Renee

All marriages have ups and downs, but you should be getting less shy and more confidence as you get older. You are a good person, you have 2 good kids. Don't blame this on the husband, but maybe you have not actually forgiven him. Work hard on that degree and get out and talk to people as much as possible to overcome your shyness. Having a job will help you tremendously.

I strongly recommend counseling for you to help you get control of your self esteem. And if you still want to grow old with hubby, make sure you are having a "date" night once a week and find different and interesting things you can do together.

Oh sweety, I know how you feel. My first marriage sounds exactly like what you are going through now. My husband was going to school & working, I was working 2 jobs & we had 3 small children.We had an agreement that after he got his Bachelors, it would be my turn. He also cheated & my self esteem was zero. When he chose to leave the marriage, 6 months before he graduated, I was devasted but evantually I got better. We did do counseling but looking back I now realize that God had a plan for me. Hang in there, love your hubby & pray, pray, pray. A few posters suggested The Power of the Praying Wife. I am reading that now & it is wonderful.I am determined to let God be the leader of my 2nd marriage. Hang in there, you'll be in my thoughts.

I'm assuming you saw a therapist when he cheated. You need to be honest with him about how you are feeling and go back in to therapy with him.

check out:

http://www.retrouvaille.org/

or

http://www.exceptionalmarriages.com/

and always PRAY!

God Bless, M.

Have you spoken to your husband about this? If you are feeling this way, he should be the first one that you talk to. Maybe you can work something out that you get a job while the kids are in school (if they are school age) so that you get out there more.

I think what you are feeling is pretty normal. It sounds like you want to go back to the working world. Maybe you should look into finding a job. It may not be ideal in this economy. If you don't need the money, maybe you can just do some volunteer work that relates to psychology. Also, you didn't mention church, but that can help. I, too, have feelings that I've "lost myself", but a great group of women in my bible study are really helping me get through this.
Good luck and God bless.
J.

Yes. That's ABSOLUTELY possible. It happens more than you realize. You need to not only do something for the physical (going to the gym) but also read, group Bible study or support groups, etc. to help build your confidence back.

Plan date night twice a month so that you can have something to look forward to AND get dolled up in the process.

Write down your qualities and what you have to offer - BESIDES being a mom. Don't forget to have conversations w/ your husband about what HE sees your qualities being and you need to remind him of his.

Send suggestive cards as an invitation to a "shower" (clothing not required!), bubble bath, etc. or even date night. It could even be dinner at home and NO KIDS - at grandma's for the night! You STILL need to get dressed up and maybe even rent a french maid costume.

Have a hot tub.....rent a mermaid costume....make sure to have plenty of candles, wine, etc. to go along with it. Put the fire back in your relationship! Be creative! It's FUN!

Have you ever watched "Fireproof?" If not, I would strongly encourage it!! This may help you find the answers you are seeking...

All my best,
D.

I completely agree with Melissa B. She was so nice and said it just the way I would if I was as good with words as she is. I would recommend all of her suggestions. Don't be afraid of counseling too. If you need it it's not a bad thing. As a psychology major I would expect you of all people to know that. :) Best of luck. You can do it hang in there. :) Communication is KEY!!

M.

I think you're doing a wonderful thing going back to school. As you finish that and then get out there in the world too you seriously will not feel as bad. As far as your husband and you have you talked to him? Also not to be to personal but do you believe in God? If so take it to him to help you feel better. Do you have lot's of friends? Get out and spend some time with them. As far as your husband and getting closer have you tried to create a romantic evening just the two of you? It will make you feel close to him and feel sexy all at the same time going to get a special outfit and some sweet special thing just for you shopping always makes a person feel good. There is always something you can do to help yourself. The next thing is realize your beautiful say it believe it and live it. Encourage yourself!!!! Have a blessed day!

Losing one's self in a marriage is not as uncommon as you may think. But don't look down at yourself. You are raising your children , mentally supporting your husbands success in the buisness world plus taking care of your home and going to school to better yourself.
Sadly all most all men cheat.We either forgive them or get rid of them. The first few years are the hardest.You obviously chose to forgive him. So keep your marriage fresh start by going out together and getting a baby sitter.You need pampering too.You need to know that you can do anything you set your mind too and succeed.And you can. It will take work but it will be worth it in the end. You said you are trying to get your Psychology Degree, are you analysing your self now ? Keep a positive attitude and the rest should follow.
Blessings, Debbie

It is not only probable, it's likely. It's the natural progression of a relationship UNLESS YOU WORK ON THAT RELATIONSHIP. You are working on yourself, and that is great. But you also need to work on your marriage. I'll bet that you and your husband have approached your life in a "divide and conquer" way. That's really effective for taking care of the kids and yopur own personal needs, but your marriage suffers. You need to do things as a couple. Establish a regular date night (get a babysitter, or trade off with another couple in the same boat) and make it a priority. Do something together that you enjoyed when you were dating. Talk about anything but the kids. I would also recommend joining a couples group so you have mutual friends if you don't already. Volunteer together as a family.
As for your self-esteem, it sounds like you are doing a lot to improve it, but something isn't clicking. Do you have a network of SAHM friends to rely on and boost you up? Play Group was a lifesaver to me when our kids were young. Also, keep in mind how valuable you are to your family. Aside from the fact that you are there for your kids, how much would it cost if you had to pay someone for all the little things that you do?
I just read a book that helped me a lot. It's called "How do I Get Through to You?" by Terrence Real. I highly recommend it. (in spite of the "psychobabble" sections)Here's a link:

http://www.amazon.com/Through-Closing-Intimacy-Between-Wo...

It is possible ONLY if you let it become that.
It sounds to me as if you are doing fine being a homemaker and student...two tasks not easy to do together.
Stand up for yourself and your children.
Despite what you may think, his position in the "world" is certainly not better or more important than your position at home.
His employer could replace him without a thought, but your children could never replace the two of you without much heartache.
Be interested in what he does, and loving, but do not make the mistake of denigrating your role in his life and that of your children!

Maybe it's just me but the first thought that went through my mind was "oh my gosh, this person is depressed". Have you talked to your doc about this? Depression will affect EVERY aspect of your life from how you feel about yourself to how you think others feel about you. You will pull away from people and often times not even realize you're doing it. I've been there. I think your first step should be to look up the signs of depression. I would hate to see a healthy marriage crumble because your view was altered by something you couldn't control. Look into that then look at your marriage again. Make a strong effort to reconnect to yourself and your spouse. If you need to talk, I'm here and I'm sure that many other mamas share that sentiment. Good luck to you dear. Reading a question like yours makes me remember how far I've come. Thank you for that. I hope all goes well for you. All the best to ya, T. M.

Watch the movie Fireproof togehter and do the Love Dare. It is worth your time.

Don't blame your husband for the choice you made to care for your babies. They are a treasure more valuable than any career advances. I delayed completing my Bachelors degree until later also when two beautiful baby boys entered our lives. I have no regrets about the postponement of my career. I graduated in 2005 with a Psyc. degree. My boys are young men now and I am proud of the life choices they are making.

I hope you watch the movie Fireproof and choose to never leave your partner behind.

May God bless your life. My prayers are with you today.

Hello,
First think about how is he treating you? Is he supportive of your ideas & goals? If not, he may not be worth any more of your time. If he is not an emotionally supportive husband then the only exception is if he would agree to marriage counseling.

Marriage is give & take but that does not mean the end of personal growth. You will learn about that in your major. You need friends & interests outside your home as well as a personal goal. Sounds like you have a personal goal. Children need to grow up watching each parent being happy with life & going after goals. That is the way they learn how to do it themselves.

I have been a working mom most of the time. I am also in psychology. I use to take my toddlers to the library & book stores when I was gathering info. & materials for the therapy groups I use to do. They grew up to love researching & are happy honors students.

You may want to try going to see a counselor so you have objective help sorting out your goals & your responsibilities. It is very helpful.

You should be with a man that makes you feel very important. Do not stay long with him if he makes you feel worse about who you are & who you are trying to be. Never stop chosing goals for yourself. I hope this is helpful & I hope it works out for the best for you & the kids.