Is It Ok That My BF Isn't Coming to My Babies 1St Bday Party?

I can certainly understand why your feelings are hurt, but perhaps there are some underlying factors that may be affecting her decision.

Does she like children? Does she have children of her own? Can she have children? Honestly, what has your relationship with her been like since your baby was born? What are the plans for the party? Did you actually invite her...or just assume that she would be there?

It is easy for us first-time mothers to get completely wrapped up in our new babies. We neglect our relationships--intentionally or otherwise--due to new constraints on our time and patience.

I HAVE a child and I still avoid children's parties/venues at all costs...we can talk about how I am raising a miniature antisocial version of myself later!

If you've been friends for 20 years, you should be able to ask her about this.

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Does your BF have any children? Is she used to being around children? She really may not understand this as a "milestone event." She may be thinking Kid birthday. Also, how have you been acting since the pregnancy & baby? Do you show any interest in her life? Did you stop doing all the friend things & just talk about the all-consuming new interest - pregnancy & baby? Is she even married?
I really d understand that this is a milestone event in your family's life. I was the same way. You should have seen me hoofing it to not only get pictures of my kids getting on the bus but off the bus AT THE SCHOOL for all 3 every year of elementary. This is not something to end a 20 yr relationship over if your friend isn't even in this stage of life.

God Bless you & your precious baby
S.

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I think her hint is to let you down gently. Remember she was your friend before you became baby crazy. Is she single or has no children? She may not understand your hurt, but is only thinking of her adult relationship being shanghied by a baby. Or maybe she really just has plans.

It's o.k. to let her go her own way and reconnect to go out for a coffee sometime without baby. Baby will only be little for just a flash, so take lots of pictures with baby and your husband and you. Enjoy the feeling of being a family together.

You can invite friend for celebrations, but realize its just an invitation; you'd like her to be an important part of your family, but you can't make her be part of it. Happy first birthday to your little one!

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Let it go, not that big of a deal. Obviously, she has a life of her own, and, does not need to be there. With this being your first child, you will feel like everything is a big deal. I don't expect my family to be at everything I have for my children, so, I especially do not expect my friends to be there for everything. As long as she is your friend, then, let her be a friend. Don't expect her to be at everything, that is a lot to ask out of her, and, don't give her a hard time if she has something else she would rather do!

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My very best friend of all time comes with no strings attached and it is one of my favorite things about her.
I love what she is to me, not how she performs.
I hope she thinks the same of me. Make the day about your
birthday girl. Your friend will find another way to acknowledge her birthday. Just appreciate what people have
to offer. Forget the rest. Put yourself in her shoes and
hope that you never disappoint her either.

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Ok, I do know that first birthday are very important. They were to me. I am also a HUGE football fan. She may have an opportunity to go to one game this season and if she already had plans, do you really expect her to drop them? I try to always go to birthday parties but she may not be able to go to just any game. (maybe someone offered to take her and this is a one shot deal?). Birthday parties are much more fun for the families. For the posters who say, she knew about this for a year, well, not all parties are planned on the exact first birthday. Maybe she didn't have the date.

I feel you have a right to be disappointed for sure. Yes, it is a bummer! I wouldn't take it personally. I"m sure she feels bad but maybe these plans are already set. It's ok to tell her you are disapointed but if you tell her you are very offended you really run the risk of losing her friendship. Some people just don't get into little kids birthday parties. That does'nt make them a bad person.

Enjoy your party. And enjoy the good things about your BF.

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One thing I have learned is that often people (even those closest to you) can disappoint on occasion. Our life experiences are so different that this is a just a given. However, most people we chose to keep closest to us share similar values. Loyalty, trustworthiness and kindness are things I look for as an example.

It's quit possible your friend reasons 'oh, baby won't remember anyway' and figure it is not important as a result. Is she parent herself? If not she probably doesn't see the big deal about missing one party baby won't remember. Just one possibility.

Main thing here is to look at the big picture- is there a pattern here? Does your friend seem consistently selfish or is the friendship becoming one sided? Do you find yourself compromising and not having her there when you need her support? If so, it might be time to re evaluate. Don't just cut her off, feel free to tell her. Not enough people talk and by the time they do the resentment festers and the relationship is irreparable. Simply tell her she's important to you and therefore you'd love to include her in this major milestone- and that *that* is an honor, actually. If your friend seems irritated or refuses to go, drop it. You do not want anyone there who feels 'obligated'. Trust me that will ruin the party and you only get one first birthday. Only you will know if this is the final straw (again, was this a build up of selfish insensitive behavior?) or not. And don't feel like you have to cling to a friendship just because you might have known each other for a long time, etc. Life happens, people change (marry, become parents, move, etc) and friends can grow apart. It's about how you feel the majority of the time. If you are giving more than you receive consistently, well... that doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. If it's a difference in perspective, then it's not as bad. Just make sure you talk to her. We never know what someone thinks and making assumptions is the best way to ruin any relationship! Good luck

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Don't be offended.
She wants to go to the game.
I'd rather have my friend at a game having fun than sitting watching my family "oooooh & ahhhh" while my one year old eats her first cake.

I have 2 kids, I don't even invite my friends, only family.

Big deal to you, not to her and that's OK. It's not rude, it's just not her kid and it's not a big deal to her.

This will make more sense to you as your child gets older.

Don't sweat the small stuff, this is SMALL stuff :)

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Please don't be offended with her! We cannot all make all the milestones of our friends and family, and many people don't put much weight on birthdays anyway.
Ask yourself if she's been there for you during important moments in your life, and how important it is for her to be there for you for one more.
To me a baby's birthday would be nice to attend, but it wouldn't be my first priority if it weren't my child.
Clearly it is very important to YOU, but doesn't carry the same weight with your friend. And THAT IS OK!
Have a wonderful party with your little one and enjoy the day, no matter who can show up and who cannot.

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I think you need to tell her, I lost my bf (of 12 years) after I had a kid, she seemed no longer interested in hanging out with me. I tried and tried to stay connected and finally had to do the work of letting go. I hope this doesn't happen to you, but sometimes things change in our lives and you find that you have to move on or get stuck in a rut. Is this something that you know is important to her, or is she just possibly not understanding that it isn't just a kid party but a celebration for your family that you really need her to be a part of. If you don't tell her how you feel, you can't blame her for not responding the way you want, but if you know this is her "thing" (the game), don't let it come between you. It is hard to understand the love of a child if you don't have one! Can you change the time to accomadate her schedule with out putting everyone else out? I know that it's no idea, but if you want her to be there, you may have to make some consessions that shouldn't be necessary, but are? Good luck, and know that this is hard, but your future is your family and life will bring you new friends that share in your troubles and joys in a way that is more rewarding that chasing down someone whose heart just isn't in it?!? I am sorry and I hope your story works out better than mine did.

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Sounds like your BF thinks more of herself that of you and a bit selfcentered. If she didn't want to come, I think a discrete & polite 'well I'd love to but I had other plans already for that day' would be sufficient but she hasn't even said that. I think you should just drop the subject w/her b/c obviously, she would rather do something for herself, that she wants to do as opposed to supporting your family on this special day. I know some people are just like that, not thinking events like that are important or doesn't realize that it's important to you & isn't mature enough, mentally to realize that she should think of others just yet & that's okay, I used to be that way but later I realized how I came across to others & changed but I think she should at least say so if she just doesn't want to go, if that's the case and I wouldn't judge her too harshly but if she says things like that again & again, I'd just refrain from inviting her to events like that in the future. If it still bothers you afterwards then just let her know how you feel.

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Amanda (your first responder) hit the nail on the head: the party is for you and your husband, not really your child. I never really understood having more than just immediate family for a small child's party. I have 4 kids and didn't have parties besides family until they were in school. Even then, my in-laws blew off at least a few of those parties to play golf (an everyday occurrence) or go to sporting events.
As far as whether this should effect your friendship, how has your friendship been this past year? Do you two do anything that doesn't revolve around your child and conversations about your child? I think as parents we lose sight of others outside of our family and whether we are meeting THEIR needs in a friendship.
I wouldn't be too upset. If you were really wanting her to be there, could you plan it for another day? I know that it is important to you, but it isn't worth confronting her. Maybe you are just in two different place right now.
And happy birthday to your little one!

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Hi C.,

One thought I have is that she may not realize how you see the birthday -- as a celebration of your husband's and your achievements over the past year, as well as a party for your baby. Not everyone looks at first birthday parties the same way -- I am amazed anyone has the energy to put one together! But years ago some friends had a first birthday for their daughter and I skipped out without thinking twice, and only later heard them describe it as "their daughter's introduction to their commonity," and when I heard that I turned to my friend and said "oh my gosh -- I had no idea you were thinking of it that way - I'm sorry I didn't come!" She smiled sadly and thanked me for the apology -- she had clearly been disappointed, but I hadn't realized it would feel like that. So, in other words, if this has meaning for you, you have to let your friend know, because she may not. She may still choose to go to a football game, but at least she'll go knowing that you would rather have had her with you. Also, because of the nature of first birthday parties, you could always plan the party for a time she can come -- football games don't last all day, and if this one does, you could always celebrate the birthday a day earlier or later -- do what will make you happy and allow you to feel supported by your best friend -- work with her so she can give to you in the way you would most like-- you've had a long, tiring, very important and special year.

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My bf didn't start coming to my daughters parties until after she had a baby. don't be offended you will be so busy at the bday party you probably won't even think about her not being there.

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Just remember that this party is more for YOU, not her.

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Well for me it would depend on the football game. Like if one of her kids was playing then I would totally understand or if it was some big game she planned to go to with her hubby well before she realized it would conflict and they paid for tickets I would understand as well. I guess if it was something she could do or not do and she was being wishy washy on what she was going to pick I wouldn't like that too much because a first bday is really special. I would tell her how I felt and talk it out, after 20 years I think your relationship can handle it:) Best wishes and have a fun party, those days are exhausting but awesome!

sorry, but I do think it is rude. This is a very special day, and Best Friends should share these days together. A football game? Really? Football is a season long event. 1st birthday's are once! Sounds like she may have some underlying reasons, should probably sit down and talk. Good luck.

Can you change the date?
If not, let it go.

Something we've discussed here on Mamasource many times before is to keep the parties for 1, 2, 3 year olds very low key. No fuss, no muss.

Parties for babies & toddlers are really for the parents, not the kid. The kids are clueless until about age 4. I agree with the post-er who said parties for one year olds are boring. I have been to over 20 of them! The baby puts their hand in the cake, then cries b/c everyone laughs at the cuteness and mom and dad get frantic b/c baby is crying at party. Pictures suddenly end and people are very bored. Seen it happen a lot.

When your child is 5 or 6 and (God forbid) is very ill or breaks their arm---that's when best friends really step up to the plate!!!!

Yes, it's important to you, but in the scheme of things - it's not worth fighting or getting your feelings hurt. My gauge is always, "will this matter in a week, month, or year?" If it WILL matter by the longest, then it should matter now - if it won't, don't let it fester in you. Yes, your first born is important - but like you said, they won't know and you'll be busy trying to please everyone - consider it a blessing that there won't be one more there to serve!!! Yes, I always try to find the bright side :)

I think you need to step back and realize that the world does not revolve around you and your family.

When we become parents it is like we forget what it was like not to have children. Your BF has no obligation to do anything except to be the person she is. You are to love your friend as she is. Then she will do the same for you.

I am going to guess she is going to be a different type of parent than you and you know what? That is ok.

I am sure she was torn about her choice, but also realistic. A child's birthday is a couple of hours at the most, the football game is a day long event for most people. If there are events you absolutely want her to attend, do not ASSUME. Say it out straight what it is you are going to want and need from her, but be prepared to honor her choices.

Is it the Texas-OU game? My husband & I have had UT season tickets for longer than we have had kids, and when our daughter got engaged this summer, our first remark after, "Wow! That's wonderful! When?" was, "Please not during football season!" If your friend's in a relationship with a crazed football fan, or is one herself, then that could be an explanation.
Since you've been friends for so long, there's probably been giving and forgiving on both sides. This would seem to be a time for a heart-to-heart honest discussion. But don't end a 20-year close relationship over a one-time disappointment. Hope this helps!

I wouldn't make a big deal about it.

I think it is ok that your friend has other plans. after all it is YOUR baby and YOUR relationship with your baby and family. I'm sure that she will remember your childs birthday with you in her own way.

I would be upset to a degree but if she has no children of her own, it's not fair to be upset with her before voicing your concerns - sometimes people without children just don't understand the milestone of the 1st year underway without having gone through it themselves. She may not know just how important this is to you and you need to tell her before getting angry with her or being hurt too badly. I doubt she wanted to hurt your feelings. My best friend of 20 years forgot my little girls 1st birthday (she is her GodMother) - that was reason to be angry. I've also been told that a childs birthday party can make some people, without kids, a little uncomfortable and I'm sure seeing you in a lead role as a Mother, can often make our non-parent friends (especially our besties of 20 years) really uncomfortable too. They've known us for 20 years and seen us through it all...but they can't relate to this, not yet anyway and it can be intimidating. Give her time, and openly communicate, include her in you and now your daughters party planning.

Hope I helped!
Britt

I really wouldn't care. But then again, my kids first birthdays were all small family gatherings. I didn't even consider inviting anyone that wasn't family to the party. To you it's a very special day because it's your child but to everyone else it's a little kid's birthday party....not exactly the social highlight of the year.

I would let her know that you would really like for her to be there but if she doesn't come don't blow it out of proportion. She wasn't trying to slight you or your child she was just making a choice between two comflicting events. She might even think you only invited her because you had to, given your long standing friendship. She might not think it's that important to you that she come to the party.

Good luck,
K.

It would hurt my feelings too! Of course you want your best friend there. However, does she have kids? Maybe she doesn't understand the significance of a first birthday to the parents. I would definitely forgive her though. She probably just doesn't get it!

unless a close family member is on the football team in my opinion she should attend your childs first bday ...... if that is not the case on the football team tell her you are offended, she should understand unless she is childish

IMHO people go way too overboard with this birthday party stuff. the first birthday should be celebrated by close family with a cupcake for the child to tear apart and a few simple gifts. Use common sense and wait until the child can even comprehend what is going on before inviting the world. We had "family" parties until our children were 6, then they had simple "friends" parties every other year. It shouldn't be a competition to see who can spend the most for the least reason.

This isn't trivial because it is important to you. This is a good place to ask questions like this. You just can't take it personally. Life is too short. We live in a football state. For some people, their lives revolve around their team's schedule. It is their passion just like your baby is your passion. Most people will not have the same passions you do and that is normal. Invite her and then let her decide without making her feel uncomfortable. If she is a close friend, she will feel horrible enough as it is that she might have to miss the party. If you want a party with her there, then have a fun night when there isn't a game with all your closest friends on a night when she can be there. Your baby's birthday should be all about her.

This is a real good question. Sadly though, you cannot control what other people want or what they do. If she chooses on her own to miss the party, and you just can't accept that, then you would probably have to end the friendship. Right?
When you think about that, it really isn't worth ending a 20 year friendship, is it?
Your other choice is to let this go and let your friend do as she pleases. Go on with your party and rejoice in your babies first year of life without anything standing in the way of you or your babies happiness. This incredible day is very precious between you and the baby.
Now that you have a child, it's probably best to learn to let some things go, even though these things might hurt your feelings.
I hope your baby and you have a wonderful 1 year celebration. Welcome to Mamasource Mama! :) God bless.

let it go. there's more to life than missing a birthday party. enjoy the day with your husband and child...

C.,

Is the football game out of town? If not, ask her what time the game starts and you can plan the party accordingly so that she can make it. Make it clear that you would really like for her to be there, but do not be offended if she does not attend. Our little ones are so precious to us and we hope that everyone who is close to us feels the same...but they don't. Your BFF may adore your baby but she may find a baby's 1st a little boring and maybe overrated. Is she a mother? If not, she may not understand how important a Baby's 1st may be. Be open and honest. She is your BFF and I'm sure if you are going to have your feelings hurt, she'd want to know.

Well, I don't know about right or wrong...but I do know that my best friend wouldn't DREAM of missing an important day for me, just as I would move the earth to be there for an important day for her, if there were any way possible to be there. Sometimes it can't be helped, and life goes on...but there is a certain amount of prioritizing that should take place. If she has a family member playing and is obligated to be there, or if it was a ticket she bought in advance, then I could understand that. But if it's just some random thing she wants to do instead, then I would be offended, too.

Talk to her and ask her what the deal is. Let her know how important this is for you and that you really want her to share in your daughter's day. With any luck, you can come to a resolution, or at very least an understanding, and save a friendship that has clearly stood the test of time.

Happy birthday to your little angel!

People have their own lives and if possible I am sure that she will come but there may be plans that can't be changes or people that will be there that she wants to see or be around. A babies 1st. birthday is sometime's boring to everyone but the parents and grand-parents and maybe aunts and uncles.

Fisrt of all, Does she have children of her own? She may not know how important this is for you, I hate children parties and until I had my own (with very small parties at that!) I rarely attended one, maybe dropped for a while but got out of there as fast as I could! So it´s really a matter of how it seems to her. Birthdays may not be that important, it´s not a Christening or a birth or a wedding... so don´t sweat it out! let her have her football game and maybe ask her to come by afterwards for a drink or before to help w/the decorations or something... I used to take picsof the cake and the child and GO!
T., married for 31 years and mother of two grownup´s 23 and 24

I understand. Your little one is so precious and dear to you and you want to share all the celebrations with your best friend. I would just call her and just express how much you will miss her but maybe the the three of you could have a special party/picnic day before the actual party. Your world is full of baby stuff and your friend has her own life stuff --- the joy is in staying friends through the years - there will be sorrows and broken expectations because you are just in different places. It's ok for you to tell her that you are honestly disappointed but your love for her is unconditional. Sometimes you have to meet halfway regardless what the circumstance is. I'm older than you and am grateful for a few very dear/close friends - we are all different but in the heart we are the same. We love each other, accept each other and respect each others differences. Just know that your unconditional love will bless you over and over and over.

you should invite whom ever you wish. realizing there will be last min things going on and some wont attend. you can let her know " it would mean so much if you could drop in for a bit". if she dosent show forgive her and be happy you have her as a life long friend.

that sucks! if ur friend is as close to u as u describe...i would expect her to come. i personally don't like guilting people into coming....b/c i think i'd resent them for coming for that reason and they would resent me for making them feel that way. however, if she asks u how u feel about it, i would be honest and say ur hurt, think of her as a sister and would expect nothing less than her be a part of your and your baby's 1st bday. good luck...glad i'm not u :(

Hi C.
My honest answer is 'let it go'. Its not all that bad. She's been a friend for 20 years, be friends with her for another 20. Its not that big a deal if she dosen't attend your child's 1st birthday. My BF didn't attend our son's either , and I still love her. It was a celebration for US ( our son, my husband, & me ). Oh and of course the grandparents, but outside of that, it wasn't important.
Our son is about to turn 7, and my BF has attended his parties the last 3 yrs. I'm sure she will attend other parties for your child. Don't be offended if she dosen't make it to this one.
Have fun! :))

C.,

If this day is important to you then it should be just as important to your friend of 20 years. Personally on all of my babies first birthday everybody attended that I could think. And I know people will say oh the baby never rememberes but, you will. So again if it's important to you you should talk to your friend about it and let her know that you would really like her to be a part of that day.

If she had something else planned before the party I would not worry about it but if not I would be a little hurt but for sure not mad!

I think you have to give your friend the benefit of the doubt. She may not think your child's 1st birthday is a big deal. That may sound hurtful, but it could just be more of a personality trait of hers. I am a mother and don't think that 1st b-day parties are even necessary and wouldn't expect any of my friends to attend. But that's just my personality. But if a close friend told me it was important to her - I'd be there. Tell your friend it's important to you. She may honestly have no idea. And I'm sure that if she knows, she'll attend.

Sorry to say it, but it's not that major. You had the baby, not her. While is it great that she is excited and happy for you, she should not have to alter her life or be penalized for not being willing to alter her life to accomodate YOUR needs. This is a big deal for you, as it should be. This is a party for a child that truly could care less who is there and won't remember any aspect of it,so why give up valuable time, if there is another option of value.

I think you already know the answer to this. Of course it's OK if your best friend isn't able to make the birthday party. As you stated, this is something very special for YOU and your HUSBAND. Anyone else that can make it is just icing on the cake.
I don't know the reason why your friend isn't able to make it, but it must be a reason that's important enough to her and that should be respected. As friends of 20 years something like this shouldn't even put a dent in your relationship.
I hope the celebration turns out to be memorable!

It is more for you & your husband with your baby. 1st are very important but is most important to you. This your baby, not hers. The fact that she is hinting shows she understands how important that is to YOU!! But at the end of the party, this is for your baby and your friend has a life that is hers. She cares very much about you to hint about other plans rather than just say no! Let it go with a smile and tell her to have fun and you will get together with pictures of the party next week. The day of the party will be filled with much joy for your family.

Ok some of these people on here are really belittling your feelings on this, and I think that's a bit unfair. I definitely agree that this is a very special day to you, and you have every right to be dissappointed. I had friends that drove three hours to come to my child's first birthday party. I see alot of them saying that it's not a big deal and that you should only have family there. I really kind of dissagree because to me a lot of my friends I have concidered a part of my family as well. They have been there through chidlrens' birthdays and other special days for a very long time. And with someone that has been your friend for 20 years, that really does make her a part of your family in my book. However, I do agree that you shouldn't end a friendship over it, but you should definitely talk to her about it. Tell her you are a little upset about it and ask what was so important about the football game that would make her miss this special day. I agree she might have made these plans before she knew exactly what day you were doing the party or maybe she just forgot, and if she bought these tickets for a specific reason then maybe it's something you'll be able to understand. There is never anything wrong with feeling hurt when someone close to you missing a special day. Don't over do it on all the other birthdays but I think it's completely reasonable for you to want someone close to you there to share in that special moment. Just talk to her, maybe she doesn't realize how badly it would upset you and that's why she's hinting. Maybe she's just trying to find out if it's going to really bother you and is afraid to really talk to you about it. Don't lose the friendship over her missing it, but it's ok to be upset about it. I would be.

D. H.

I would get over it. She's still your friend. This party is more important to you than it is to her (as it should be). She's probably been looking forward to this game. If she doesn't have children, she doesn't understand. If she does, she probably just wants the break and knows that one year olds don't remember the party anyway. Give her some benefit of the doubt. You're thinking of yourself and she's thinking of herself. No one is considering what the other wants. Let it go. It's not worth it. Will you be disappointed? Yes, of course. But, you will still have fun without her.

This may be a football game she's been planning to attend for quite sometime. She (or someone else) may have already paid for the tickets. You're right, your baby won't know if she is there or not, so this is really all about you. Parents always make a big to-do about their baby's first birthday because it is a very important day for them, but it's selfish for you to expect it to be as important to your friend. It doesn't mean that she thinks less of you, and in the long run you shouldn't think less of her. She just has other plans for that day. Get over it.

Tell your friend that you'd really like for her to come, since, as you said, this is a celebration for you and your husband too. However, free her to make her own decision. There is no point in her being there if she resents it.

I too have a BF over 20 yrs, don't let little things like a birthday party for your 1st born get in the way of a lifetime friendship. I'm sure if she could she would be there.

R. W.

WOW...Your Best Friend of 20 yrs is going to a FB game instead? I can tell you my story. I had preemies twins that were in the hospital for 4 months and my BF's little girl was having her 1st birthday. I felt horrible but I was at the hospital with my twins which was an hour and a half away from home. I still to this day feel bad that I couldnt attend but my reason was a good one. I had to be there for my twins. Going to a FB game instead is just not right. It doesnt matter if your little girl won't remember that because she will one day see the pictures and your BF won't be in them. If anything your BF should be there for you. I am not saying she is a bad or mean person maybe she has had this planned but she also has known for almost a year when your little girl would be turning one! Hope this helps! Not trying to upset anyone!!

Honestly, if I were in your shoes I would feel that a brithday party for the baby's first birthday is more important than a football game. In my opinion, games come and go every year and there are more than one a year. But when a birthday only comes once a year I think that it would be important for a friend that you have had so long to be there. I hope that this helps ease your mind a little. I too have also been in the same situation before. Hope things get worked out for you.

Football tickets are expensive and probably pre-bought and paid and she may be going with someone. You can state your disappointment and maybe set aside a special time near the first BD to just spend with your BF and family. If she herself does not have children yet, she doesn't quite get the importance of the event to you - hopefully someday she will.