Is It Normal for a Stepmom to Be Annoyed at Her Indulged (By His Father) Stepson

So neither of you are working, yet you're posting on the internet. I can see being annoyed about length of showers if you walked to the library to use the free internet. If not, give it up!

This seems like a really odd question. What do you think boys do in the shower for that long. I'm not going here. To me this is another really weird first time question.

It's not your stepsons fault that his dad and step mom choose not to work. It's not his fault that you can't pay your bills. Maybe it's time for the adults in the house to get jobs and take care of their adult responsibilities.

If you have an issue with your husband's parenting style, you should take it up with him, not be annoyed at the child. He did not choose his parents.

So you don't work, your husband doesn't work, but you are pissed about showers? So I guess all of us reading this are paying for your water? Shouldn't we be the ones getting pissed?

Get a job. It'll do you some good. You'll feel better just getting away from the child a little bit. Dad should get a job too. If you and or your husband are disabled, you can still get a job. There out there - I know they are!

Don't take your family financial problems out on the kid. It's not his fault. You're shifting your feelings about the big issue of finances that you can't control onto the small issue of long showers, which you feel like you can control.

Have you talked to your son (stop the step thing) about this? Show him the water bill. Involve him.

Back off on the shower issue. The family needs to all pitch in about being frugal. That's the real issue.

Shower may be private "me time" for him.

Kids are stinky. Be glad he wants to shower.
Be frustrated with your husband, sure, but the kid is only the symptom, not the problem.

I'm a stepmother, so I understand the problems in trying to motivate or discipline a child who isn't your own. It's a tough job and largely unrecognized and unappreciated.

It would help to know how old the son is - a 6 year old requires a different approach than an 11 year old, and different still from a 15 year old. Can you click "edit my question", write "ETA" (Edited To Add) and fill in some details? Please DO NOT click "respond to question" where your details will get lost as an answer from a new person vs. an expansion of your basic info.

I'm not sure how old the son is, but there's some advantage to having a kid who wants to take a shower. If you search on Mamapedia alone, not to mention other sites, you'll see far more parents kvetching that the kids just don't give a damn about hygiene. But I think you have 4 problems: 1) the kid is in the shower too long which keeps others from using it, 2) what's he doing in there besides standing around or (more likely) having private time including normal m***********, 3) there's no income and 4) the father doesn't agree with you.

So, address those 4 points as follows:
1) families share space and it only takes 4 minutes to shampoo, rinse, and soap up the body and rinse off. Set a timer for 4 minutes and allow a 1 minute grace period - 5 minutes total. No electronics or anything else allowed in the bathroom.
2) Give him complete privacy in his room. Absolute. You can search when he's not there (for evidence of drugs, liquor, unhealthy on-line relationships, even food wrappers that invite mice), but DO NOT just barge in, no matter what.
3) Get jobs, look into food pantry services, see about local agencies that have "household" or "clothing pantries" for other items you cannot afford, look into state-sponsored health care/insurance programs under the federal Affordable Care Act, sell everything you can (yard sales, used furniture/clothing stores, books, CDs (there are on line purchasing sites), walk dogs, do weeding/raking,mowing, clean houses, watch children after school, provide vacation coverage for neighbors needing mail/trash/pet services, and more. Start doing some SERIOUS analysis of your expenses - hot water is very very low on the list compared to "essentials" like cable TV, internet, cell phones, dinners out, expensive sneakers, cigarettes, alcohol, a gas-guzzling car, trips to McDonald's or Burger King or the pizza place, NEW toys/clothes/household items when garage sale and resale shop items will be perfectly adequate. And more. You get the idea.
4) Get counseling from your town's department of children's & family services, or a referral from your primary care physician to a therapist/psychologist who accepts your medical insurance. If you do not have a husband on the same page, your problem is not your stepson who takes long showers - it's the fact that your marriage structure isn't geared toward teamwork.

I think you're displacing your anger on the boy when you really want/need to be mad at your husband.
The whole "indulged (by his father) stepson" thing makes you sound like 'evil step mother' material - and I don't believe that's how you want to (or meant to) portray yourself.

Teens - ALL teens - spend a LOT of time in the bathroom.
My sister and I shared a bathroom when we were growing up.
It was the 80's - hair was BIG.
You think that Farrah Fawcett look was effortless?
The showers and subsequent blow drying, curling iron, hair spray, etc - that bathroom was rarely empty morning, noon or night.

"only i am the only one who is trying to cut back on all of the household and grocery expenses."
THIS is what you NEED to be discussing with your husband.
Money (or lack thereof) is one of the big things couples fight about.
It's up to your husband to put a limit on shower time.
And I know at least 3 parents who will shut the hot water off after 10 minutes.
You have the grown up discussions with the other grown up in the household and let Hubby be in charge of putting limits (if any) on his son.
Good luck!

Well....if finances are an issue then might I suggest getting a J.O.B. Anything. Flip burgers if you need to. I have! You need some money coming into your house so that the boy sees how to work and pay bills.

hmmmm.....what could a boy be doing in the shower? What could it be....hmmmm......

I suggest your husband talk with him and let him know that while you GREATLY appreciate the fact that he showers (TWICE) so he smells great, that his showers are a bit too long and he will set the timer for 10 minutes for each of his showers.
ALSO....if he's not m*********** in there....maybe he's....nope. I got nothing. I think he's probably doing that.
L.

It's normal, but your annoyance is misdirected. If his father is allowing him to do it, then it's your husband you should be annoyed at. Good luck with changing your husband's overindulgence of his son. It probably won't be easy.

I honestly can not imagine micromanaging how much time someone spends in the shower unless everyone is trying to get ready at the same time in the morning. Since no one is working it doesn't sound like that is the issue.

Perhaps you could turn down the temperature of the water heater so there is only so much hot water. Just make sure you get a shower first.😉

He's probably m*********** in the shower. So that is normal and you can tell him to hurry up but probably won't make a difference.

I guess you shouldn't really be "annoyed" at your step son for both of you not having jobs and not able to pay the bills for 2 years. Seems like you should be talking to your husband about these issues and not us.

Blended families are hard. Maybe pick up a book or google some articles on blended families and get some advice. A long shower seems to be the least of your problems IMO. Good luck.

The shower/water thing is not the real problem and you husband is not being indulgent.

You're focusing on that because you feel powerless to address the real issue in your house - the lack of money. You don't say why neither one of you is working, but solving that problem has to be your primary concern.

Reading your post let's me know you are NOT really annoyed at the stepson but really annoyed at the fact that there has been no income for two years and you are paying everything.

An alternate plan for your situation would be to gain more income while cutting expenses.

As for the shower situation, be grateful your teen showers. There were years were we had the opposite with our teen boys and they get particularly stinky when in sports. LOL If you turn down the temp on the hot water heater. There will be less hot water and no one really likes to shower in cold water.

You should definitely have a talk with your husband about bringing in some income. There are two types of income (earned and passive) perhaps your financial situation requires you to learn more and participate in passive income opportunities.

I hope this helps and as you research passive income try to think about how you can do this over why you can't.

E., chances are that's the only place he gets privacy and he's m***********. Seriously, that's the most likely.

The other thing is he could be OCD. If that's the case he can get meds from a mental health doc and be able to function more normally.

Turn down the heat on the hot water tank one notch so that it runs out sooner. He'll cut his shower shorter. It won't be a hot shower more than a couple of minutes. If you can't adjust the hot water tank then start the washing machine when he goes in, on warm, so it uses up a bunch of the hot water. Start the dishwasher. Use up some of the hot, hot water so he runs into cooler water quicker.

As a stepparent to a now 19 year old that has been completely overindulged and excused by both parents, I feel your pain! Just want you to know that you have some sympathy out here.
That said, I agree with the others that said turn down the water heater temp and try to turn on other appliances that use hot water while he is in there.
Your husband needs to get it together and get a job, ANY job, if he hasn't brought in any income in 2 years.
It sounds like your stepson is a teen so he too should have a job and contribute to the household. He can pay for his own toiletries, snacks, etc. and put away some money for college if he's headed in that direction.
No need for both of them to be mooching off of you endlessly. Cut them off.

It is very normal for teenage boys to take long showers, especially as they are "finding themselves". I am sure your husband remembers being a teenage boy and that is exactly why is is fine with the longer showers. I would let this one be.

It is normal for teenage boys to spend lots of time in the shower wasting water. It is also normal for moms to be annoyed by this. In my house we set limits on how often and for how long they can shower. Two showers might be reasonable if he is very active, or it is very hot out. A shower shouldn't take longer than 8 minutes. I know it only takes me about 3 minutes to wash and condition my hair and wash myself in the shower. If you don't already have a low flow shower head, make sure you install one. If he wants to be alone and relax for a long time suggest a bath instead.

If y'all have no income, how are you paying for anything?
Tell the kid that he has ten minutes max to shower, after which you will shut off the water heater. And do it. .
Either that, or he needs to get a job.

I understand a long shower for the teenage boy - we all know what he's doing - except maybe you? But twice a day is not necessary! Once a day also isn't necessary, but to each his own, I guess! The real issue is that you and your husband are unemployed. You both need to get a job, and quick!

Your post clearly says that he is a teen, so this is not a 6 year old child. I totally get your irritation. I agree with the mama who says to adjust temperature. It is about all you can do. Good luck.