Is It EVER Ok to Tell Your Child to "Shut the F++k Up

Never! I would take the kids somewhere the next time he does this (mall, family, etc). Explain on the phone you are not comfortable coming home at the moment with the kids due to his anger issues and abusive language. Give him time to think; show you mean it.

3 moms found this helpful

My brother and sister in law thought it was cute that their 6 yr old used the F word, and then no one allowed their child near him. That is lesson #1.
There is no tone that one can imagine with "shut the F up" that is not hateful. Kids have enough trouble thinking they are acceptable without hearing that tone. Lesson #2
If he can't handle Houston traffic maybe he is not old enough to drive. I wouldn't want to be in the car with someone with "anger issues". Lesson #3

He needs more or better counseling. Words are the prelude to acts.

Give him an ultimatum, figure it out or get out.
K.

2 moms found this helpful

Hi M.,
I haven't read your other responses so I hope I'm not repeating anyone. In our society today I notice that most of us have become very lax about our cursing. I remember freaking out when my mother said "Damn!" once when we were little. We've all become a bit desensitized (including me) and I think it's sad. The "f" word is something that I hope family members would never use when talking to each other - it's crude, sexual, and disgusting. The most important thing to remember is that we, as parents, are models for our children's behavior. With that said, I hope your husband can calmly say to your son (and to you), "I'm sorry I used that filthy word when I was angry with you. I'll have to learn some other ways to express my anger." I think your son will learn a lot from that. It's when we make mistakes as parents (and we ALL do that)and then own up to them that our children learn that it's okay to mess up and try again.

Good Luck...I'm sure you are both loving, caring parents. This parenting thing is rough, isn't it? The cussing thing is something I'm working on myself. ;-) Have your husband read my response.

2 moms found this helpful

I'm so sorry, and no it's not ok. I'm not really sure what to tell you, though, since I don't know your family. I told my husband yesterday "Would you please stop speaking so disrespectfully to us?" He didn't say anything. I thought he was going to blow up at me, but he didn't.

My husband gets on to my girls for using the same cuss words that he uses. I have trouble punishing them for repeating words they hear on a regular basis. He says they heard them on tv, and while that may be true for SOME of the words, they didn't say them until after daddy said them. I'm not ok with double standards (adults may say them but children may not.)

Definitely talk to him about how his anger and way of speaking affects you and your son and that in our society this is completely unacceptable.

I wouldn't leave him over this particular situation, but as I said I don't know your family and perhaps the situation as a whole should be evaluated. I do consider this kind of speech abusive. Getting husbands to understand that, though, can be difficult.

My husband is going through chemotherapy and is very sick from the cancer and the treatment. He's in a lot of pain all the time and it's like having the flu for 6 months. While I won't leave him, I do wish that a separation would be possible. My family thinks that's horrible, especially during this time, but I don't want the children to remember their father this way (the verbally abusive part) and I am miserable too. Unfortunately we can't financially afford to live apart so I'm just trying to make do the best I can. He may have to do radiation (which is a daily thing and is also painful and makes you sick) and more chemo. The cancer may return in a year in another place and warrant more treatment. I'm not agreeable to doing this again. We're only half finished and I can't imagine adding more to it. I'm not saying he was the perfect father/husband before chemo but since getting sick things have definitely escalated and he's been sick for 14 months and still has 3 more months of treatment AT LEAST. The thought of adding another round of 6-12 months of treatment is unbearable. I haven't decided what I'm going to do. People have suggested counseling but I don't see that happening.

Hugs and prayers,
S.

1 mom found this helpful

Well I was thinking on your request and I just couldn't come up with anything that I thought might actually be helpful so I ran it by my husband. I mean most guys are aggressive by nature so I thought he might have some ideas. He said he thought it would be good to hold a family meeting and bring it up together. You and your guy and the kids sit down and talk this out openly. I don't know how old the kids are so you could do the talking but he said to say first that you all love him and then continue with something like you understand he has this anger issue and that sometimes when he gets upset it erupts and that you understand that he does love all of you and hasn't figured out how to stop this habit. Then he said to ask if there was any way he could think of that you could all help him as a family. One idea my husband had was have a jar on the kitchen counter and every time he did it he would have to put a nickle or something like that in the jar. We read this great parenting book by James Dobson and when they were trying to teach their kids not to put their elbows on the table they started this game where whoever did it had to go into their bedroom and count to ten as loud as possible, even mom and dad, so it was funny and everyone participated. So maybe agree on some form of "punishment" he has to do, and make it applicable to any family member who lets out some explicative. This will help check dad and teach the kids this is not the type of behavior that is acceptable. Plus maybe it will lighten the general mood of things and not make dad feel like such a loser for having this problem. My husband also suggested cutting back on movies with a lot of cussing if you tend to watch them and music with a lot of cursing as well. He said he might need a bit of detox to get this thing in check. Come to think of it I did have a good friend who used to get crazy in traffic and switched to classical music on the way to work every day, he said it made a huge difference. That was ten years ago and he said he still does it today. The point is to do something radical if needed and not to be too hard himself, just figure out a solution. Hope that helps and that you guys come up with something great:)

1 mom found this helpful

Nope, not okay! Not only is it disrespectful to you but its also teaching your son how to treat women and children. Unless you want your daughter in law and grandkids to be treated the same way its not okay.

1 mom found this helpful

It absolutely is NOT ok for your husband to communicate with his children that way. Growing up, many members of my family also spoke to me in that manner, and as an adult I find that at times I allow other people to speak to me in a derogatory manner because my childhood situation made me accustomed to it. While I've worked on the issue and know I shouldn't let people talk to me that way, sometimes it takes me a moment to realize that what a person is saying to me is disrespectful and that I shouldn't alllow it.

Your children interact with the world based on the way they interact with you in your home. If your husband speaks to his family this way, it's very likely that not only will your children speak to others this way, but they'll also allow others to speak to them this way. If therapy is not working, you may have to take more drastic measures. Good luck, and hopefully you can get him to see how damaging his behavior is.

1 mom found this helpful

I grew up in the same type of situation. Except it was shut the h*ll up rather than the 'f' word but still the same thing. It was every day ALL the time for ANY or all reasons or no reasons. Constant temper tantrums from my father, throwing a violent tantrum no matter the situation. I would suggest talking to your husband again. He needs anger management classes. I'm sure they can help. My sister married a tantrum throwing man too (luckily I didn't) & he took anger management & it seemed to help. I can tell he tries real hard to control his temper although you can tell he really wants to 'lose it'. Let your husband know that you understand his frustration & that kids "can be annoying" at times that are inappropriate, like navigating traffic, but the kids truly don't know better that they will learn it just takes time & yelling at them doesn't help, it just upsets them & you since they don't know what they've done wrong. Punishment is for when they do something that's actually bad, not for reacting to a game too loudly. Your husband has to understand & accept that kids ARE going to & will be loud at times unexpectedly & just yelling at them, losing his temper, will only make things worse. Perhaps your husband grew up in the same type of situation. A lot of times, that's the cause. Other times it's their astrological sign, a Gemini for instance usually has a 'Jeckyll & Hyde' personality, I'm an Aries so I too have a short temper but I also grew up in a violent atmosphere at home too so that definitly affected me negatively. Taurus can be that way sometimes too so 'signs' DO affect our personalities if they clash. If couseling doesn't help, you may need to take it a step further & just tell him, you cannot be in a situation like that. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

M.,

Totally NOT exceptable!!!!! Not to say it to you and especially not to a kid. Your husband sounds extremely immature and what's he going to do when your kid spouts that off at school or to another adult?

Tell your husband to grow up. And by the way, you deserve to be treated better.

Good luck,
DH

1 mom found this helpful

Never. It is demeaning and shows a lack of respect.

The other thing is that I promise if this continues, at some point your child will repeat this and either end up being harshly disciplined at school, banned from a friends home, or you all will be in the most public situation and all of you will be humiliated.

1 mom found this helpful

My dad was like this in Houston traffic. He has since been diagnosed with sleep apthema (sp) and is taking anti depressents. As adults we laugh at how silly and over reacting he became. We arent tramatized, as kids it was a bit scary. It will help if you teach your kids how to react to people that are being angery. Like if you put your hand on his arm or talk calmly. But still stand up when need be.

The problem will not be so much an anger issure as a self-esteem issue. Those words cut to the very core of who your child is growing up to be. Words hurt and the old saying sticks & stones can break my bone but word can never hurt me--WRONG. The words you use with anyone--especially your children either encourage & lift them up or tear them down. Sounds like Dad needs some help and could have even learned some of this behaviour from his childhood.

Do some research and you may find the answer. Keeping you in prayer because it will not be easy.

I will admit to saying, "can't you please just shut up" to my son and I also let out the occasional curse word, but I have to agree with the other mamas that saying that to a 6 year old is not okay. Yes, it's just words, but the tone of voice is what is being listened to. You husband is probably very scary when he says this. You might want to ask your husband if he wants to scare his children.
S. S.

no, it's not. It's funny, but he's right, they are just words. The problem is that everyone he ever meets will tell him that it is terrible to talk to another human being like this. And he'll think, "My daddy talks to us like that."

I don't know what kind of advice to give you, though. Did his parents say this type of thing to him?

You know, my sister in law yells at her kids constantly. All the time and it makes me uncomfortable, but I really think that in a lot of other ways she's an incredible mom. Her kids have no doubt whatsoever that she loves them more than life. They're OK, even if her behavior is off in that respect. While what he is doing is disturbingly wrong, does your son feel his love? If so, this might be a detail in your boy's life that will end up being unimportant, shadowed by daddy's love.

You mentioned "anger issues" for which you have been through counseling, though. It seems to be a bigger thing. I wish I had advice for you. I wish you all the best.

No, it's not okay in any circumstance. It's abusive language when it's directed at you or your kids. He needs anger management.

The Bible says that "The power of life and death are in the tongue". and your husband is cutting you with his words. Words DO matter and if he respected you or your kids he would be selfless and take control over his tongue.

The next time he says that yell "STOP ABUSING ME WITH YOUR WORDS". If he refuses then mabey you need a legal separation until he gets his anger issues under control.

BLESSINGS on you! You and your children do NOT deserve this treatment!

Hi M.,
I am sorry that you and your family are having this struggle. I am a parent educator and work with parents and families individually. Here is my 2 cents. What seems to be most important is that it is not ok with you, not what anyone else says....does this make sense? You have the right to have peace in your home.

That being said....I do not want to make your husband out to be a bad guy. Some folks have what is called emotional flooding....they get so overwhelmed with emotion that it is harder for them to connect to their ability to reason in those moments. This is analogous to a learning disability. It does not mean it is impossible to change it, just challenging. So it seem more important to help him with the emotional flooding than the actual words....if he weren't flooded, the words would not come popping out.

There are some great self-help resources for stress and anger management that I teach folks in my practice that I would be happy to send to you if your husband interested in learning them. Even though you did not experience success in counseling before, it really is possible to shift this. I wish you all of the best.
Blessings to you and your family,
K.

No it is not Ok to use this kind of language infront of our kids. If you stay, your son will grow up to be a copy of what he is seeing. Kids come blank and we fill the pages. Walk away.

this is totally unacceptable. Children, or you, should never be spoke to like this. It is not just words, they have meaning and it is a very derogatory meaning. It is degrading and abusive and very disrespectful. It is not healthy at all. He has a problem.

Ouch. I can't help you change his behavior (if I could I'd change a lot of my own husbands) but I can suggest you have very open conversations with your kids in front of dad about the language and why he does it and it's wrong and meant to hurt and that they should talk openly about how it makes them feel. We use this approach with my 5 yr old when one of us is completely unacceptable and it does seem to help. Good luck.

Wow, I know how you feel with myself having a husband with some anger management and cussing issues and I to worry about our child and children in the future growing up to pattern this behavior. Luckily my husband has never said to our daughter what yours did, but he has slammed doors and other objects and said the f word during a fit of anger in front of our daughter and I hate it-he to apologizes but it happens with the same outbursts next time he gets angry about something. What was really awful is that last time we were on the road and he got angry because he made a wrong turn he cussed so loud and then hit himself in the forehead with his fist in front of our daughter-I was disgusted with his behavior and ashamed that our daughter had to witness it (she even starting hitting herself after he did). He has been a good father except for his unpredictable anger outburst and I am once again encouraging him to seek help with managing it (so far I have been dismissed except for one time he went for one session and never went back). I grew up with a father that acted this way and he did tell me to f off one time when I was young and I still have an emotional scar from this-I want better memories for mine. Take care and you can email me if you want to talk.

Just curious but how would he react if you told him to shut the f$#k up?

He is a bully and teaching your children how to be bullies. Those words, while "just words", have meaning and do hurt. I will admit that I have cussed in front of my children, they are now 21 and 17 but I have NEVER said those words to or in front of my children. I won't even say "shut up". This is wrong! He needs some anger management classes. Good luck!

No, not OK. If your husband is in the habit of saying that, it will take considerable effort on his part to monitor himself in front of the kids. Saying that "they're just words" is doing no favors for anyone. Your children are very impressionable and once they learn that language from him, they could be suspended from school and even lose jobs because they've offended others. It's not as harmless as he thinks. You already know the issues his anger has caused in your relationship, and your kids are at risk for the same types of behaviors in their future relationships.

If counseling has not helped, you may consider trying a different counselor. Make sure your husband feels comfortable with the counselor. If he feels that everyone is against him, including the counselor, then it won't work.

I admit to saying a cuss word here and there in front of my kids.... I'm not perfect. I've said Sh%t before - if I tripped or slammed my finger in door, etc. But to say 'shut the F up' to a 6 year old is harsh and unacceptable. Tell your husband this is NOT normal behavior. Let him read these responses.

Wow! What a bad habit. And on top of that, he's convinced
himself that it is ok. It is not ok. I can't think of
when it would be appropriate, EVER! I bet he is clever
enough to think of another "word". It is belittling,
at least; some may say "abusive". "Please be quiet. Dad is battling traffic. I need to concentrate."
Those are adult words and respectful to who he is addressing. Children can learn when to be quiet if
stated that way. It probably is just a habit, but if he
apologizes immediately in front of all the receiving
ears, he probably does not mean to harm. After he says
the abusive phrase, he should then say what he should
have said. It's all about breaking a terrible habit and
replaceing it with a better reaction. Very much luck.
Let us hear what happens.

Honestly, I'm a little bit in shock. The only word I've ever had to tell my husband to stop saying in front of the kids is "suck" as in "The Bears really sucked today." He didn't really understand the harm until his sweet little 5 year old princess yelled "this sucks" when one of her toys quit working. Hearing it come out of her mouth he realized how bad it looked.

Anyway, no it's not ok. And honestly, not to get on my high horse here, but the f word in general is used by junior high and some high school kids who think they're "cool". It's not a word that any educated self respecting adult uses in front of anyone especially children.

Good luck,
K.

No, No, and NO. It is not okay to use that sort of language. In our house, we don't even use "shut up". It is a crass and disrespectful way of speaking to people and certainly should not be used on individuals who are considered to be 'loved ones'. People who must use foul and offensive language do so because they lack a strong vocabulary and are not adept at expressing or controlling their emotions. Your husband may love you, but he does not respect your or your children if that sort of behavior continues. Discuss this with your husband privately (not in front of the kids), continue to seek counseling, and also teach your children about proper language and self-control. Do not second-guess yourself about this - you are in the right.

Does he talk this way to co-workers or people on the street? Probably not. Why do people think it's okay to treat strangers better than they treat their own family? If my husband spoke to me that way he would be sleeping in his car and vise versa. We have been together for 20 years and have never cussed at each other. Not that we don't cuss at all, we both cuss a lot. But never at each other. It was a ground rule we laid down when we first started dating in high school. We have faithfully stuck to that rule. I think it's a good one to have.

No it's not ok...I think maybe coming up with a way to let your husband excuse himself to another room when things get heated might be a good idea,

Our family is not even allowed to tell someone to shut up, much less add additional words to the phrase. We also don't call someone stupid. But, if it is in his vocabulary, then sometimes it is hard to get rid of. When your husband says things like that, make him correct it with a softer term (just like correcting a grammar mistake you make). The more you get used to correcting it, the more it will stick with him that it's not something to say. At least he is apologizing for it when called out. But, you have to find a way to eliminate it. My husband says a lot of things before he really thinks about what he is saying or how it is coming out. We are working on it, but it's hard. That's how he was raised. But, we don't want our son raised thinking that is the way you talk to someone.

I'll just add a tidbit since I agree with the other responses.
Ask your husband to think about what would happen if your child repeated his words at school.