Is an Unreligious Response to the Death Question Possible?

Hi-

I actually had to deal with this question way too soon, from my then 4 yo daughter when my mom died suddenly. I too, was raised Catholic, but changed to Unitarian Universalist, and married someone who was Jewish, but raised UU. What I did was to tell her what my mom believed. My mom, being Catholic, believed in Heaven, so that's what I told my daughter. She is learning that different people believe different things, and that that's okay. I also told her that Grandma will always be in her heart, as well, which I believe, and I think few would dispute. That has caused some comical situations, however. When I was crying one day because I missed my mom, my daughter lifted up her shirt and told me not to be sad, I can see her anytime by my daughter lifting up her shirt. The answers seemed to satisfy her at this point, and although she asked repeatedly for a while, it decreased over a few months.

Discussing death with a child, though a scary prospect, is also a very good opportunity for teaching, bonding and providing skills for the future. Being gently honest about everything the child wants to know, even if it's an "I don't know", provides a basis for emotional health. Young children's worlds revolve around themselves so if they are left to their own imagination, fear of the unknown can and often does "act itself out" in ways that seem unrelated.
Begin with the most basic facts; death occurs to everyone and everything. When a person dies, their heart stops beating and they don't breathe any more. The life that was in them is no longer there but the love that they had is always there because love never dies. I like to use a puppet with small children, they can understand that when "life" (your hand)is removed from the puppet, the puppet is still. Death does not hurt because the body is empty of life. You and I are still alive, so we hurt when bumped etc.
As for on going questions, answer with I believe, I don't know or lets find out together. There are lots of children's books that address death from all points of view. Check them out at your local library or buy some used from Amazon.com. I would suggest reading them yourself before reading them to your child.
Good for you for wanting to address the issue and not running from it. Your child is well on his way to being a healthy person.

Just tell him that people have different beliefs, including his parents. We all have ideas about what happens at death, you believe in one thing, dad believes in another. Tell him to ask daddy about what he believes and then explain what you believe. The beauty of this is that he sees two people with different views that love each other and are able to talk freely about their beliefs. He should NEVER be put in the possition of having to choose. Let him come to his own decisions, as you have. Live your life as an example. =)

K. -

I would only address half the issue at this point. That being what death means to the living - how we are affected by it, how we feel about it, how we deal with it... Leave the afterlife discussion until you feel your son is old enough. I would also save the "everybody dies" part for later too so he doesn't get scared that you are going to go away and never come back. Tell him it's okay to be sad. Encourage him to talk about his feelings. Hope this helps.

J.

My older son had a lot of questions about death for about a year starting when he was 3 (he's a deep thinker, I guess - my younger, almost-four-year-old hasn't asked once yet.)

With all of these types of spiritual/unknowable questions, I have two basic types of answers that I add to as needed. The first is "Some people believe," or "Most people think," or a variation of that ("The Bible says" might work for some families.) The second answer is, "I don't know," or "I'm not sure," or "no one really knows," or "no one has ever died and come back to tell us what it's like," if you have a really persistent child.

You might look for a copy of the Mr. Hooper Sesame Street book at your library. He's about the right age for it, and there are some notes for parents at the back of the book that are really good. Remember that at the root of a lot of questions about death are pretty concrete fears - this is the time to reassure your child that you are not going to die, but if something ever did happen, he will be taken care of (and tell him who would take care of him.)

My son was three when he explained his concept of death to me. I was incouraged by his wisdom.

The best way to discribe death is the concept of flowers. To explain that Grand-pa is not really gone. We look after plants. We water and feed them. They do not realize that we do that for them. Grand-pa watchs over us and helps us but we are not aware of his efforts.

Death the bird from the cage is my favorite. When we are in the human body, the body is a cage. When we die we are free of the cage. We can fly. We are not grounded to the earth. Especially if you are sick to be free of the body is wonderful.

Death is truly a wonderful thing. It is h*** o* those left behind. Death is truly a messanger of joy. It makes us realize what is important. Like telling our children each day that we love they because one of us may never have the chance to say it again. To forget the cleaning and play on the floor. To feel our emotions instead of hiding them.

Hi K.,
We've just been through this same thing as my dad, my grandma, and my Mom all passed away within six months time. The death question could not be avoided.

My husband and I do not share the same beliefs either. We say that the person has died but our lovely memories of them will stay with us our entire lives. We were very honest about our personal and religious beliefs when he asked further even though they differ. He seems to accept this. We answered all his questions simply and honestly.

Hi K.,

I wrote an article similar to this for Chicago Parent that might help:

http://www.chicagoparent.com/article.asp?aID=83245203.###...

It's a tough question to answer no matter what you believe in. Best of luck!

M.
Want to join my moms resource list for future articles? Contact me!
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www.michellesussman.com

Back to your original questions, about an unreligious response., I think there is. You can go the science route and talk about living things and every living thing has a life cycle. There comes a point in time when the living thing can no longer sustain life. You can do comparisons between plants, people, pets, and all different living things. It can be scary, but I think it is better to be honest. The person that posted about the puppets seems to tie into this and is a good visual way. Good luck.

I would be honest and tell him what you believe happens after death. If that is religous than its religous if not than it will not be. Your child will be raised to what your families beliefs will be. When your child is an adult he will decide what religion, if any he wants to be. If your family does not teach him religion he will not know any religion. Personally I explained to my children that when Grandpa died he went to heaven to be with God. No he will not be back. Good Luck and keep us posted.

Wow, this is a toughy. What I will say is avoid the he is sleeping thing...you don't want him to get scared of going to sleep and never waking up. Be honest, his body stopped working and he can't do xyz anymore. Really a simple answer will satisfy his curiousity more than you realize.

We've run into this as well with our 7-year old. Her mom's family are Christians and they sometimes take her to their church. She has learned about heaven from them.

My husband (her dad) and I are Scientologists and she has been to our church as well. We believe the spirit leaves the body, and then gets a new body.

There has been A LOT of confusion as to what happened when her Aunt died. She sometimes says "Auntie is in heaven" and sometimes "Auntie has a new body and she's somebody's baby right now."

Right now in our house when she asks, we explain our beliefs. If she says "but mommy said Auntie went to heaven" we say "yes, many people believe lots of different things and none of them are wrong. We don't really know what happens. Which one do you believe? You get to choose!" Whatever she says, even if it's "Auntie is in heaven" we're OK with it.

In the end I don't think you CAN give children conflicting information because they just get confused. I really think you should give kids one religious answer because they WILL eventually make a choice. My parents raised me as a democrat but I grew up and went Libertarian.

If I had my way she would have been taught ONE religion as a child, and later on exposed to the other. But she's not my kid so we do what we can.

Ditto on Chandra's response...

Our children are quite comfortable with what we consider to be the truth...."Grandpa's body stopped working. We all loved each other when his body was working, we all knew we loved each other, and we still love him and have all the memories of him". We then discussed some of the fond memories and how everything has a birth and a death. We also touched on some people believing in a heaven but that I really doubted that and that to us what had been important was how we treated each other while alive. My children seem quite comfortable with it---I suspect our frequent trips to the Field Museum "Evolving Planet" exhibit has made it even clearer (2 yrs have passed since Granpa died). Good luck and just follow your own instincts on what is appropriate for your child and true in your heart.

I am jewish but don't believe in "god" and was faced with this issue recently-- unfortunately. My father-in-law died suddenly in June and we went to the funeral. My 3 year old was close to her grandparents so this was hard to explain. Basically-- what I said was that "Grandpa's body stopped working but if you ever want to talk to him-- he is always part of you and lives forever in your heart". She still talks about him a lot and we discuss death-- in 3 year old terms-- boxes in the ground- flowers-- miss them.