Invitation to Bff's Daughter's Wedding

You have some decisions to make....How large of an investment do you want to make in being supportive of BF?
In order to decide this, you will need more information.

Call BF and tell her you need more information so you can figure out what you can and can't do. Ask where the wedding is going to take place, the time it starts, and how many people are going to attend and then tell her you will get back to her....

Talk it over with your husband....see what you are both willing and not willing to do....

If you can afford to buy the ribs to feed her guests, and want to pre-cook them or cook and serve at the wedding, either way can be your wedding gift.

If she doesn't want the ribs pre-cooked, ask her if she has someone attending the wedding who would do the cooking for her as your husband wont be doing this. If he can't get time off from work to attend the wedding, tell her so. If he can attend the wedding but just doesn't want to cook and serve at the party, tell her so.

If you can't afford to pay for the ribs to feed her guests, tell her so. Ask for the money up front so you can shop for what is needed.

If you decide you don't want to or cant take time off from work to attend the wedding but still willing to pre-cook the ribs, tell her so and make arrangements with her in terms of getting the ribs over to the party.

Your BF needs your support. Give it to her in the form of pre-cooked ribs. Save your vacation and your husband's time for your own family.

Hi L.,
Your story is heartbreaking and frustrating I'm sure. I was a lot like your "niece" when I was 19. I had a bf, decided not to go to college where I was accepted b/c of his location and (in my case) accidentally got pregnant at 19.

THERE IS HOPE!!! (I'm reconciled with all my family now and have managed to finish a degree, get married and have 3 children :o)
The good solid boundaries that some people are holding are going to pay off in the long run. Just remember that along with good boundaries, sincere love and affection are also good. So ABSOLUTELY go to the wedding.
It can sound something like this: "Jane Doe, I love you and will always be here to talk. Marriage is hard and I expect you will work at it because you and him have stuck by each other for these 2 years. Sometimes, I won't be able to say yes to you because it goes against my good sense - but it doesn't mean I don't love you like a daughter etc..."

As far as the ribs go, it sounds like you have an honest time conflict and it would not be exagerating to say - we're so sorry but we actually can't - but we hope we can still come to the wedding because we would really like to enjoy it with you.

Lots of love, lots of solid boundaries -
Just out of sensitivity I would also talk to her mom and just explain your thinking so that she understands that you support her as a mom. She probably feels like everyone is "rescuing" her daughter when she knows that she needs boundaries. Just lots of open, honest communication with both.

Wishing you the best outcome,
-H.

What a mess! The way I'm reading this, the daughter is asking you to bring the ribs - right? Rather a rude request since it sounds like you haven't been close for awhile. Maybe she thinks you're a nice person and she can get you to do this for her. So, I would talk to BF and see if she has decided to host this picnic thing after all, and if it would really help her (BF) out, I'd do it. Otherwise, why should you bring the main dish?? As someone else wrote, let hubby stay at work, and go to the wedding if you want to and BF needs the support. Again, if BF is not even going, follow her lead. If you really need to save that half day of vacation for something more important BF will understand as well, and I doubt hold it against you. I would give a small gift whether you go or not, and since she's pregnant and broke, the gift should definitely be functional - sheets, cookware, giftcard to Target or some other practical place. Good luck!!

Wow talk about some stuff LOL!!!

I would ask how many people are going to the wedding?
and where will it be?

a pack of ribs at costco's are 25 dollars for 3 racks
, NO BIG DEAL!

tell them that you and your ribs wouldn't be able to make it til after work.

Cook the ribs in the slow cooker they are delicious and basically cook themselves siding right off the bone .

Sugggest that the happy couple collect welfare.and get a place of their own.

be there for your friend in anyway you can.
just tell her your broke and have no money.
wish you could but its just not an option at this time.

As for the daughter well time for tough love,
the girl needs to grow up.

If she asks for favors just say NO!!
tell the same to your BF.

Offer alternative solutions that don't include your friend having to put herself out there.

like getting their GED, going back to school, supporting themselves thru working , tell them where to look for a job.

but going to the wedding is about supporting your friend, NOT supporting the marriage.

ask DD and her new Husband how they plan to change their lives now that they are married.

DO NOT give a wedding gift.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

M

my thought, if she is your BF, you need to be there and support her. I am sure she is not thrilled with this "last minute" deal and calling people to ask favors, etc. but this is her daughter and she is probably trying to do the best she can with what she has. I say it is only an afternoon/evening out of your life for your best friend and this is what best friends are for. Go and have a good time.

WOW. That is a big delima. I think that you should attend for your BF. Even if you don't support the wedding, that is what a good friend would do. Regarding the ribs, ask your BF to buy all the ingredients and your hubby will make them this way you won't get stuck paying for the ribs.

Good Luck!

Call your friend for any details on the wedding such as time and place. Explain that since it's last minute your hubby and his ribs won't be attending but you'll be there. If you have some time offer to help. If not then just be there so she can vent. Sometimes being a friend means just being there.

Wow this is a toughie... Okay, so you don't want to go. Maybe, you could send a little gift? Or, if BFF or "D" buys the ribs, your hubby could still cook them, drop them off, and they warm them up? I know you'd like to be there to support your friend, but if you really don't support the marriage, then maybe you should just stay home, and be with your friend "in spirit". Honestly I don't know for sure what I'd do in your shoes. Have you talked to your BFF? Maybe if she knew how you felt she'd understand. If it were me, I'd probably let my hubby make the decision, just so I didn't have to... LOL :) Best of luck hun!!!

L.
If for no other reason, do it for your BF. She will always remember that you were NOT there, if you don't show. Even if just you and your daughters go.
Good luck!

Hi L. -
Yes, you go...to support your best friend, not her loser of a daughter.

Make the ribs ahead of time and have them warmed up, if hubby can't go, then you go with the girls for a couple hours.

It may even be a good teaching experience for your girls, talking about how her bad choices are evident by what they witnessed at this "reception".

All the best -
J.

L.,
If it was me I wouldn't go, but I would give your BF's daughter a gift, only not money. I would tell them that both you and your husband have to work that day, as it is not on a weekend when most weddings take place, and that financially you can't afford to be short the pay. As for the ribs, I think that is really tacky to call someone, invite them to the wedding and ask them to make ribs; personally I wouldn't make the ribs, especially seeing as the bride-to-be and you are no longer close. Also talk to your BF and be honest with her about things. Good luck.
Hugs,
T.

Let me figure this out. This lady has two daughters. One has a child and is a screw up. Then the other one is now engaged and wants to get married on July 10. I don't think we know much about this daughter so I am not sure why your best friend does not seem happy about the engagement or why you are struggling with it. But if it is the same daughter doing all this stuff it makes a little more sense. I guess in any case I would say if you don't want to go then don't. You can support your bf without attending the wedding. You can listen to here and be there for her in many ways. It is a Thursday night. I don't know who in their right mind gets married on a Thursday night. You have a family of your own and you work all week. It is very polite to simply say I can't make it because Thursday nights are just too busy for me or something of that sort. YOu don't have to say you don't want to go. But if you do end up going then leave the cooking and planning to the bride and groom and go after work for the reception and stuff. Don't feel you have to be there from the start. Your family and your kids are more important and if you have plans for your 1/2 day then stick to it!

It sounds to me like this mother daughter relationship is very damaged and that your BF needs your support not your judgment. Being too judgmental will just damage your relationship with BF. It was probably really hard for her to even ask you in the first place. I would do what you BF is asking with in reason. Try to make the ribs so that they can be heated up by them and tell them it is impossible *If it truly is* for you all to come until after work. I would pay for the ribs and give them a nice cards saying enjoy the ribs and thank them for letting you help them with their day this way. If you feel there will be resentment regarding no gift. Perhaps a handmade gift like an afghan that is like a keepsake that will mean more than something monetary.

I understand the complexities of your dilemma (some of them at least) and here is my advice;

Their marriage either is or is not going to make it regardless of how supportive you are or aren't. It sounds like it may not go well- and knowing that should inspire you to do everything you can to BE supportive in whatever way you can. Ultimately it will not rock the foundation of that marriage so you may as well be on the "good" side and remove all hint of possibility that the people in her life weren't supportive. There are boundaries & lines in the sand of course- I wouldn't suggest you let them move in with you (Yikes!). But $20 or so on some ribs won't make or break you in the long run. And you Could conceivably come up with other times to spend with your kids (play hookie one day and call in sick, LOL).

I've been in a similar situation and for the sake of brevity won't bother getting into it. Suffice to say I do "get" the conflictual feelings. Just remember to put things into perspective.

Moreover- it's raining and gray today- is a BBQ still the plan? I don't think your hubby should be standing over a grill. Offer a compromise and either buy cooked ribs (Big Ws in Wappinger Falls is GREAT if you're in that area) or say you can bring a couple buckets of KFC (get coupons). Simplify your life and don't consciously or inadvertently become a part of that soap opera drama they are creating for themselves.

Hope that helps... N.

This is a tough one, but what I really think is that with everything your BFF is going through right now, she could really use your support as she is probably not too fond of this marriage either. Supporting each other is what BFFs are for.

As for the ribs, and since you don't really support the marriage so you may not want to get a fancy gift for them, the ribs could be a wedding present instead. Then they can never say you didn't get them anything and you're not buying something fancy for a coupling you disagree with. And if you still didn't want to do that, because things like that are expensive, then they should pay for the ribs as it's their reception.

I hope this helps, but in the end it is really up to you!

Good Luck!

wow.......that's alot. I personally would go to be there for support for my BF, but would not bring a monetary gift or any gift really, I would let the ribs be my gift. Show your support for your BF if you feel she needs it, if you feel secure that she will be ok without you, pass on the event. You know your BF best and base your decision on what you think she will need. As for your hubby, let him pass on this with the excuse that he couldn't get off work. Don't lose sight of the fact that you are attending this function for your BF, not for the daughter or event really. Know what I mean? You are strictly her moral support. Good luck!

hi there, if i were you, i will not go, its not your best friends wedding, its her stuck-up daughter's wedding, and DD just invited you guys so they can have a free ribs for main course! can't you realize that? it's not a real LOVE wedding anyway. dont even have to think about it,ok? don't let DD make a fool out of the two of you.

Hi L.,

This is difficult for you I know. It seems neither you or your husband want to go... I think I'd feel the same. In my opinion your husband should definitely not go. Lets face it, it's your friend and her daughter is just trying to use your husband for some free cooking. I would just buy some ribs and tell her it's a wedding gift but she'll have to get someone else to stand over the grill for the evening because your husband is unable to attend. I would not take a half day either. Let your best friend know that you'll do everything to be there as early as you can but your vacation days are few in number and you have already promised your girls that you'll spend your vacation days with them. Your bf will understand. This girl has her whole family being messed up by her bad decisions, don't let her mess up your family time too.

Good luck,
M..

Hi L.,

Try to keep in mind that anything you do is for BF, not D, and that may help you decide what's best in this situation.

Maybe you could offer to purchase and cook the ribs as a wedding gift to the couple. Then there's no resentment on your part and the gift is taken care of. Just an idea.

I agree with the comment that this is a great learning opportunity for YOUR girls!

You have to attend the wedding regardless of what your personal feelings are about this union. She is your BF after all and this is her daugther. As far as the ribs go I would give her a call and ask her if this was really needed and explain to her you would be happy to do it only if it is important because you will have to take time off work etc...
Good Luck

First thing I would do is to call BF and ask her what SHE wants you to do as far as going to the wedding. IF you do go, tell D you can not make the ribs... sorry but you have too much to do with work and such, but you would be happy to arrive as a guest to celebrate with her.

going or not going is not going to make her change her mind about who she is marrying and when. The best you can do is be supportive of BF. She might need you there for that. If nothing else, you should go for BF, if that's what she wants you to do....

I know it's hard to see your kids (and by that I mean even your friend's kids with whom you've always been close) mess up their lives. But it's important for you to be there for her mom as you've always been.

My best friend (of over 30 years) and I would do the same for each other, even if we didn't agree on what our kids were doing at the time.
Kids do need to learn from their own mistakes and unfortunately, it looks like D will be one that has to get a hard lesson before she learns.

The best you can do is to be there for BF and help her through all of the garbage she's about to have to wade through.

Wow! You should go to the wedding if YOU want to. If you decide to go, you are under no obligation to provide food unless it is your pleasure to do so. Lack of planning on their part does not constitute an emergency on your part. You aren't under any obligation to explain why you can/can't attend or can/can't provide food. I'd personally say I'm sorry, but I'm not able to bring the ribs (with no further explanation). I would, however, attend alone if my work schedule allowed. I would bring a gift in the form of a gift certificate for a local home store or even Walmart so they can purchase what they need for their home or for the baby. Do not give cash.

Regardless, tell your friend you're thrilled that she's going to become a grandmother. You need not provide another other support or disapproval unless specifically asked for your opinion. As for them asking you to bring ribs - they probably asked you because they know you'd probably say yes. People rarely ask someone to go out of their way unless they know the person can set boundries for themself. Sorry to be so harsh.

If you really want to support your BF then call her and ask her what does she need from you. What can you help her with, and do it. If your BF has always been there for you it is time to reciprocate. This is probably one of those times where you need to think of your friend without thinking of yourself, especially if she has always been there for you.

If you want to maintain a relationship with D, then you should go or she will probably be offended; your husband is under no obligation to attend and should not if it would cause trouble at work. If you decide to supply the ribs, then it should be a wedding gift - you can purchase prepared ribs and deliver them the night before; no need to waste time preparing them yourself.

Hi L.,

I would say yes, go to the wedding. While you may not approve of the choices this young woman has made, I don't feel it's your place to judge, you aren't the mother or an immediate family member. She may have done things that you don't agree with (and I wouldn't either) but she has not done them to you. You are being invited as the close friend of her mother.

That said, I think it's a lot for the bride's mom, your close friend, to expect other people to bring the food to the wedding. I would tell her that the ribs need to be precooked, that it is the middle of the workweek for you and your husband and you simply won't have the time to prepare them.

Good luck!

just go to it- you will regret it if you don't- it is important to be at these events.

I would talk to your BFF and ask her how she would like to be supported during this wedding. If she would like you to go and help her through it then I would go. If your husband doesn't want to help out at the reception he should just say he is unable to attend. It's not like he wants to go anyway. Wow, what a crazy situation.

Go to the wedding, bring a gift and a smile. Decline the ribs duty gracefully since Hubby will just be able to get out of work in time to make it to the wedding on a Thursday. Offer to bring a side dish.
Just remember your presence is a present to your friend, not her daughter.

In the end it's your best friend and you "niece". And you not going to that wedding could def end your friendship. It's not really your place to support or not support the wedding. You can never make anyone happy when you're getting married and planning a wedding. Obviously they want to be together if they are going through all these steps. And they just may end up being the most happy of all.

They have minimum wage jobs, but they are working, so there is some responsibility there. All new couples and parents struggle, theirs just may be a bit harder, therefore more rewarding. Secondly, don't throw stones, because you have 2 daughters yourself, and I'm sure those 11 and 12 years have flown...so will the next 6 until they are 18, and you never know what the future will bring. You may soon find yourself in a similar situation and need the support from your BFF. Everyone wants the best for their kids and for them to find love and be happy, but who's to say what makes each person happy. The same way some people want a Lexus and others are happy driving a Ford Tempo.

I'm just saying don't be so quick to not go, because of an afternoon off. As for your husband making ribs...maybe she has always looked to him as a father figure and needs his help. And if it's something as simple as making ribs, then why not? And hell if you can get away with buying ribs as their wedding present than count me in. I'm not sure where you live and what wedding gifts requirements are, but in New York, it's going to cost me a mortgage payment when my BFF's daughter gets married. However, I do applaud him for not just throwing a definite answer.

In the end you have to pick and choose your battles...and to me you are making this seem like an obligation. And if you really feel that way than maybe you are ready to move on from the whole thing. Not everyone is meant to be in your life forever. But don't be so quick to cast them aside when it sounds like they need you the most right now.

Hi L.,

Sounds like you are a bit torn - you certainly write out the details so things are pretty clear. Beyond that, I don't know your situation, but I hear some disturbing connections being made about what you are being asked to do almost out of social obligation.

If I am off base on this, just throw a flag and ignore me; I may not have understood the entire picture. I"ll speak plainly so you dont' have to read between any lines. Here's what I'd do in your situation, -

Sounds like you and BF need to be talking really soon about what BF's thoughts are on these recent developments and requests/demands for support of a wedding she wasnt' even told about - if you vaue BF's friendship, make sure your approaches are hopefully simliar, and perhaps the same strategy for both of you, your hubby, and all other adults who have been contacted to support this in a socially coercive manner. BF may be be not-that-clear with her daughter on what standards are acceptable for demands on friends and where the line needs to be drawn; you will have some decisions to make and keep in mind "what is the real goal here" - hint, it's not to make a fun wedding, especially if participants feel uused.

Beware of attempts to divide and conqour if you two are in agreement and D decides she is owed by family members and friends catering a wedding/reception. There may have been some politics afoot to attempt to get everyone pitching in for a wedding project, yet it could be something none of them really agree with. (find out who else has been contacted and given tasks to do for the wedding, and see if they are being told that "everybody wants to do this" or "everybody agreed to this" to push them to help out with the wedding.) - and if BF wishes to go this way, help her talk individualy with each coerced adult, find out their feeligns, , MEET each other without D, for a "planning meeting", kindly, to see if there is coercion and social engineering going on; dont' be used unless you really want to reward this behavior and potentially sell out whowever else may be getting used by a guilt trip for their "not goign along with the fun".

I applauded your husband; he is a smart man to wait until you all can talk before any wedding support is given or committed. - You are both awesome for listening to your feelings, and being clear with your potential cost and conseequences of jumping through hoops for someone who you now don't know as well as before and appears to use people - Hubby probably recognized an assignment for what it was when it was given. Why was a wedding invite given by phone to him if you are the person with the relationship with D?

BF has been required to go through some tough love situations for an adult daughter who is not behaving responsibly, she has given a message (by babysitting) that she tolerates some of this behavior, and now she and you appear to be getting a serious coercion effort by that same daughter (and/or fiance) to donate time, money, support and use of facilities for a wedding that D is dropping on your doorstop as if she is entitled to the social obligation, yet without establishing any emotional connection or involvement, no matter how close you were before her teenage years.

This sounds like all the adults need to meet NOW and sort out what, if any emotional extortion is being attempted or acquiesced to. I would explore who is really supporting this, and who is thinking they ought to pitch in if everyone else is. If everyone wants to, great! - but if they are being used, they will resent the apparent support by BF, and that's the real relationship hit if BF allows the appearence of support when she doesn't agree wtih her friends being used by a less responsible daughter.

One of my tendencies is that if they (D and fiance) appear to be establishing healthy relationships with you and BF and other adults (and each other), that may influence what you do. It sounds like there is none of this. Rather, a free wedding party may be in the making, and my tendency is to gather all the (formerly known as family and friends) caterers who have been handed chores and expenses for the wedding without volunteering for same, to draw up an estimate of expenses, and (with BF's agreement on some specific stragety with not just BF, but an authority figure as well since BF got used some by D for the rent) sit the young couple down and let them know that if they expect a wedding of their choosing as they appear to be doing; they have the associated cost or loan to repay over and above back rent expenses and college expenses to grandma, for your catering work, since you planned to give different gifts to them of your choosing (like paying parts of their back debts instead of giving them funds and picnics up front)

A wedding does not absolve people of back debts ESPECIALLY TO FAMILY or friends, nor using others by social engineering a party.

Meanwhile D, who may have been your close buddy years ago, is not earning the kind of respect that would come with a fellow adult female with friends support of a wedding. Can you talk about the role of a woman in managing her own responsilbiites and relationships? The consequences of using people? Heck, have you met her fiance? Has D shown up on your doorstep with evidence she is a responsible adult mending fences and relationships with you?

Ensure you are not being used by someone calling a wedding and leaning on your past (but not sustained) relataionship, and therefore you feel personal and social guilt, and so feel comopelled to jump to the occaision and comply with demands for support and expenses.

It cheapens friendship, lets your family (and possibly others who feel helpless) be used, and you will resent it if you dont' get a grip on it and get aligned fast with the other adults who may be in the same boat as you- it's a touchy tangle, and they seem to be moving fast to get exactly the kind of wedding they want by social engineering, and it will work unless you are aligned with all the other adults on what you all decide to do and how.

If the wedding/caterer "invitees" can agree, I recommend you have some tough decisions for you and BF in your relationship, and then you and hubby need to talk and agree on your family stance.

Wow. Okay, I think you go in order to support your BF through which I am sure will be a difficult day for her. You can make an excuse for why your husband cannot attend or bring ribs. You may want to offer to help in some other way (i.e. decorate, make favors, etc.)

Good luck! Sometimes being a friend means doing things we don't really want to do - if it makes our friend feel supported.