Hi L.,
Sounds like you are a bit torn - you certainly write out the details so things are pretty clear. Beyond that, I don't know your situation, but I hear some disturbing connections being made about what you are being asked to do almost out of social obligation.
If I am off base on this, just throw a flag and ignore me; I may not have understood the entire picture. I"ll speak plainly so you dont' have to read between any lines. Here's what I'd do in your situation, -
Sounds like you and BF need to be talking really soon about what BF's thoughts are on these recent developments and requests/demands for support of a wedding she wasnt' even told about - if you vaue BF's friendship, make sure your approaches are hopefully simliar, and perhaps the same strategy for both of you, your hubby, and all other adults who have been contacted to support this in a socially coercive manner. BF may be be not-that-clear with her daughter on what standards are acceptable for demands on friends and where the line needs to be drawn; you will have some decisions to make and keep in mind "what is the real goal here" - hint, it's not to make a fun wedding, especially if participants feel uused.
Beware of attempts to divide and conqour if you two are in agreement and D decides she is owed by family members and friends catering a wedding/reception. There may have been some politics afoot to attempt to get everyone pitching in for a wedding project, yet it could be something none of them really agree with. (find out who else has been contacted and given tasks to do for the wedding, and see if they are being told that "everybody wants to do this" or "everybody agreed to this" to push them to help out with the wedding.) - and if BF wishes to go this way, help her talk individualy with each coerced adult, find out their feeligns, , MEET each other without D, for a "planning meeting", kindly, to see if there is coercion and social engineering going on; dont' be used unless you really want to reward this behavior and potentially sell out whowever else may be getting used by a guilt trip for their "not goign along with the fun".
I applauded your husband; he is a smart man to wait until you all can talk before any wedding support is given or committed. - You are both awesome for listening to your feelings, and being clear with your potential cost and conseequences of jumping through hoops for someone who you now don't know as well as before and appears to use people - Hubby probably recognized an assignment for what it was when it was given. Why was a wedding invite given by phone to him if you are the person with the relationship with D?
BF has been required to go through some tough love situations for an adult daughter who is not behaving responsibly, she has given a message (by babysitting) that she tolerates some of this behavior, and now she and you appear to be getting a serious coercion effort by that same daughter (and/or fiance) to donate time, money, support and use of facilities for a wedding that D is dropping on your doorstop as if she is entitled to the social obligation, yet without establishing any emotional connection or involvement, no matter how close you were before her teenage years.
This sounds like all the adults need to meet NOW and sort out what, if any emotional extortion is being attempted or acquiesced to. I would explore who is really supporting this, and who is thinking they ought to pitch in if everyone else is. If everyone wants to, great! - but if they are being used, they will resent the apparent support by BF, and that's the real relationship hit if BF allows the appearence of support when she doesn't agree wtih her friends being used by a less responsible daughter.
One of my tendencies is that if they (D and fiance) appear to be establishing healthy relationships with you and BF and other adults (and each other), that may influence what you do. It sounds like there is none of this. Rather, a free wedding party may be in the making, and my tendency is to gather all the (formerly known as family and friends) caterers who have been handed chores and expenses for the wedding without volunteering for same, to draw up an estimate of expenses, and (with BF's agreement on some specific stragety with not just BF, but an authority figure as well since BF got used some by D for the rent) sit the young couple down and let them know that if they expect a wedding of their choosing as they appear to be doing; they have the associated cost or loan to repay over and above back rent expenses and college expenses to grandma, for your catering work, since you planned to give different gifts to them of your choosing (like paying parts of their back debts instead of giving them funds and picnics up front)
A wedding does not absolve people of back debts ESPECIALLY TO FAMILY or friends, nor using others by social engineering a party.
Meanwhile D, who may have been your close buddy years ago, is not earning the kind of respect that would come with a fellow adult female with friends support of a wedding. Can you talk about the role of a woman in managing her own responsilbiites and relationships? The consequences of using people? Heck, have you met her fiance? Has D shown up on your doorstep with evidence she is a responsible adult mending fences and relationships with you?
Ensure you are not being used by someone calling a wedding and leaning on your past (but not sustained) relataionship, and therefore you feel personal and social guilt, and so feel comopelled to jump to the occaision and comply with demands for support and expenses.
It cheapens friendship, lets your family (and possibly others who feel helpless) be used, and you will resent it if you dont' get a grip on it and get aligned fast with the other adults who may be in the same boat as you- it's a touchy tangle, and they seem to be moving fast to get exactly the kind of wedding they want by social engineering, and it will work unless you are aligned with all the other adults on what you all decide to do and how.
If the wedding/caterer "invitees" can agree, I recommend you have some tough decisions for you and BF in your relationship, and then you and hubby need to talk and agree on your family stance.