16 answers

Intrusive Mother Crossing the Line!

My Mother is always undermining me in front of the kids. She talks bad about me, and makes up problems where they do not exist. For example.... she says thing like.... your daughter needs more attention, or you need to do more for your husband...blah blah blah. The other night she actually told my daughter that I gave the other kids more attention than her! You have to know my children and my mother to really get this but IT IS COMPLETELY UNTRUE. I find myself sticking up for myself for things that are not even REAL? When I confront her, she turns it around and subtly puts me down and never takes responsibility! I also feel like she tells other people these lies! I have not talked to her in a week! What do I do to make her shut up?

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

I am NOT talking to her and she is FLIPPING out because she is losing control. She sent me a text message of I Love you but I think she is still in manipulate mode! Then she called my husband balling like a baby andtrying to manipulate him too. Its not working this time. I have to stay away until she "gets" it. Lets just hope she does get it eventually for everyones sake because I won't be treated this way anymore.

NEW UPDATE: I am talking to her, and she knows where her boundaries are. And if she crosses them. well, I am prepared with new defenses. I READ the book "Children of THE self absorbed and it changed my life! Its a good one on how to deal with Narcisstic Parents. A MUST READ!

Featured Answers

Hello G., I honestly think you are handling it well. I too have a mother who has so many strong opinions on how I should be living my life. I'm a good mother,person,wife,friend and daughter, but through the years she has often made me feel like I wasn't. So now when she tries to get controlling or exhibits behavior I dont care to have my kids or myself around, i just simply stop talking to her until she gets the point. Through the years I've resorted to this a few times and now things with her have improved so much. I think you should let her know whats bothering you and if she can't change then she need not be around you or the kids. They will benefit more, as will you, by not being around a negative influence. Hope things work out for you and Good luck. Happy Holidays, D. :)

More Answers

honestly i think you should tell your mom to mind her own business and if you need her advice on anything then you will ask her. sometimes you have to put your mom in place so that she knows you mean business. or if that dont work try staying away from her. i hope this advice will help

I empathise with you dearly. My mother was the same way and I had to eventually cut all ties to her cause I could not deal with the lies and the deciept anymore. I would not allow her vision of life cloud mine and hurt me or my children. Of course my children saw the way she was and they stopped contact with her when they got older. I did not have anything more I could do to make that woman happy so I left her life. She looked me up a couple of times to say she was ill or whatever but I never responded because honestly my life has been so much better since she is gone from it. My girls and I well we are so much happier and I do not regret washing her from our lives because she was never happy with herself or anything she ever did so she was taking her (what she saw as a failed life!) out on me and my kids and at the same time supporting my adopted brother like he was her own. Yes there are plenty of resentments but she has now passed on and I am honestly free of her and I hope she is a happier person now wherever she is. Bless you hon and keep on keeping on but that decision to remove someone from your life is a difficult choice however I could not see continuing to live like that!

I hate to say that you need to keep your Mother from your family, but the truth of the matter is that you need to keep anything that could tear your family apart away from your family. If that is her, then that is her. You are a nurturer and protector to your children and they rely on you for those things.

This is probably one of the hardest things you'll ever do, but if your Mother loved you, she'd respect you and your family. She is the one choosing to put a wedge in the relationships, not you. She probably does not even know any better. Maybe that is how her mother was to her or something. Maybe she has learned how to be a better parent as she grew up and is not allowing you the same. Whatever it is, you need to be strong and never talk bad about her to your children, but definitely tell them that she is having problems being happy and that we all just need to love her through her trials.

I know that was kind of vague, but it is hard to put into words what my experience has been. It would also take up way, wayyyyy too much space here. :)

Good luck!! Protect your youngun's!!!
Have a very Merry Christmas!!!

i know what u mean, my foster family trys to do the same thing to me, i tell them that they do not pay my bills or help out, and when they start helpin me then they can say something but untill then the can shup up, there are times that i go months with out talkin to my family, but if they love me they will be there for me know matter what,
u sound like a great mother dont let anyone put u down, keep ur head up and just keep on doin what u are doin, someone day she will come around,
best of luck

G.,

The only thing that has worked with my parents is seriously limiting contact with them. Good luck to you!

T.

In all honesty I don't think you should feel bad about telling your mother that she either follows what you say, and your rules around your children, or she doesn't see them or you. Her talking to your children in this way and them seeing her talk to you in this way, will damage the view your children have of you. Especially if she's telling them there's favorites when there's not. I had a friend who temporarily had to live with her mother-n-law while her husband and her were getting ready to move into a new house. Her mother-n-law took to calling herself "mommy" to my friend's son. She eventually pushed it too far, and went over the line, and my friend laid it down. Told her she learned to say grandma, or something related to that, and nothing related to mommy, or she wouldn't see her grandson. Took her time to understand and accept what she was doing to hurt my friend and her son...but eventually she figured it out. I think our parents always think they know what's best for kids, whether it's us, or our children. They can't let go of it. And if parents were over bearing on us...they will be worst with our children. Difference is, you have a choice now. These are your children, and if your mom doesn't like the way things are...then TOUGH. Hope things work out for you!

Hello G.,
Has your mother always been this way? My mother has some very notable traits that I don't necessarily agree with but that is my mother. She is much too old to change now and now looking back, I don't even think she realizes she is doing something offensive. Obviosly your mother loves you, whether she upsets you or not or she would not come around or invite you to spend time with them. Perhaps that is how she shows her love to you, the only way she knows how. Perhaps in her own way, she feels she is going to improve your motherhood skills. However, at some point, I think we become too old to be mentored in that fashion. Hopefully this disagreement the two of you have had will pass and you can work on a different form of relationship. I suggest the next time it happens, you simply tell her something and move on..."That's not true", "Please don't say that", "Please stop". But, move on! Don't stick around for an argument from her. She will soon see that you are not feeding into this and she will soon stop. She will be hurt because she will feel you don't want her advice or help.

I have to do this with my father-in-law because he can be very negative and says things like mommy and grandma are mean, come with me. He seems to think this is a way winning the kids over, but I do not allow. I started by asking him to stop and of course we had to go through the 50 questions..."Stop what". But now I just mention one time and move on and it is over.

Try it if it worked on him I am sure it will work on most anyone else...whew!

I can't help but feel that from your description, your mother has always been this way.
It's good that you stand up for yourself and you must not let her berate you in front of your children.
I do wonder though, could there be the tiniest bit of merit in what she says? Sometimes other people see what we don't. You mother may be the type to make a big issue of a small point because it gives her something to complain about. Not that that makes her right.
I am wondering though, how did your mom feel about you adopting the other children?

G.,

.... unfortunately, even though you can really love your Mom or Dad, they can do or say things that hurt, or are just plaint toxic.

I went through the exact same thing with my Mom, and I also confronted her, and like you, it was always put back on me, with her not taking responsibility for her behavior. So, what you have to do is basically be just say something like, "Mom, I love you, but what you are doing is hurting me and my family, and if you continue you are leaving me with no choice but to leave you alone for awhile because I won't be hurt like this anymore. Now if I have done or said things to hurt you and I'm not aware of it, then let me know and we can sit down and talk. But until you can see what you are doing and how it hurts me this is what I have to do, otherwise something might happen causing us to never speak again and I don't think either of us want that."

Oh, when your bring this up, tell her you want to have your say WITHOUT interruption -- and if her response is defensive or made out to be your problem not hers, then say "OK, there's my answer" to yourself and leave her alone for awhile to let her know you mean it (and you're also setting boundaries for the future).

Now, here comes the hard part -- IF she continues, then you have to just let her go from your life, which is really, really, really hard. I had to do that, then my Mom passed away and let me tell you, it was pure hell because despite her behavior I loved her very much. But, if I were faced with the scenario again, I would do the same, because my job is to protect my children... period.

Also, if you are married or have a partner, ask him for his input and help. Some Moms respond better when a man makes a request or lets it be known that he WILL NOT allow anyone to hurt his wife/partner, not even her mother.

IMO, the most important thing is protecting yourself and your kids from toxicity, even when/if the source is your Mom.

... hope this helps.

A.

hi first i would talk to your kids and tell them that she it just trying to make you all get into fights and help them to understand i'm sure they are confused then i tell your mom that if she can not respect you in your house and in front of your cildren that she sould not come over till she can and dont let her talk bad and put you down tell her it would be nice if she could not be mean to you anymore and do not let her donanate the conversation hope this helps if you are ever interested in a home based buissnes let me know email me at ____@____.com S.

G.,

I had to just lay it all out for my mom... when she comes to my house to see her grandchildren, "My house, my rules, and if you don't like them, there is the door." I was 35 before I finally had enough of my mom and her mouth. We didn't talk for over a month, and then she realized that she made the mistake and said she was sorry.

Sometimes parents have issues about letting go, or have control issues with their children. If you can solve the problem with just having it out, and getting it all off your chest then do it! But, don't go without having contact, what if something happens to either one of you or your children???

Life is too short!

Good look,

T.

I'd let her know(when the kids arent around) what that could possibly do to your daughter. every time she is saying things like your mommy gives more attention to the other kids that's putting it in her head that mommy does not love me as much and she is gonna have self esteem issues when she grows up and you might have a future pregnant 13 year old on your hands. let her know that you dont want to take "grandma's" privliges away but if she does not stop you'll have to do so and you'd go so far as a restraining order to protect those kids. Tell her that. it's a threat but it's a damn good one. see if it's possible to get a restraining order for that. let her know what she is doing is hurting there prespective of there mom and you are there world. you don't need someone comming in and destroying your kid's world when there so young. Good luck

I think the best thing you can do, you are doing! Do not talk to her, at least for now. You have already asked her to stop. She has chosen to ignore you. And there is no way hearing all that negitivty is good for your children. Hopefully, for her grandchildrens sake, she will get the point. I am sorry if that sounds harsh, but I truly believe she will get the point that it is not okay to do that, escpecially in front of the children. If she has a problem with something you have done she should discuss it with you privatly. Not undermine and be rude in front of her grandchildren.

When I was young, my grandmother bad-mouthed my dad to my sister and me all the time.
My father and mother both worked, so we'd stay with my grandmother until they got home.
Because of all the negative garbage we heard, it had terrible effects on our relationship with my dad that lasted years.

My advice is, from being the child in a situation like that, if you value your daughter and your relationship with her, you'll distance yourself from your mother.
I know that sounds harsh, but trust me when I say that her words have more affect on your child than you can know.
Your daughter wont respect you and she'll look to your mother as her authority figure.

I know from my own experience.
If you keep letting your mom have influence on your kids, she'll destroy your relationship with them.
You're going to have to choose your kids or your mom.
Your kids need you... they don't need someone bad-mouthing their mother.
They need to respect you and trust you, and your mother is destroying that.

You've got to do something to stop it.
It's up to you.
You have to take charge and do something.. for your kids sake.
Please don't let your mom destroy you in your children's eyes.
If you love your kids, get them away from her.
Doesn't matter that she's your mom, you kids need you more than they need a grandma who will tear down their relationship with mommy.

G., You are doing the right thing by putting your foot down! My mom said something’s about my children and I behind my back, was beyond anger, I was hurt. I never said anything to her, it would just start a fight and make things worst. But I did tell her that I heard a rumor about me from a friend. When I told her what she had said, she just looked at me in shock that someone could say something like that, I knew she was acting because she said it. My mom loves the DRAMA, and I, even with three boys, don't have much DRAMA, so she had to make up some DRAMA to feel like she was doing something, or at least had something to talk about. I have sense been repeating things to her that she has said in the past when ever she start in on my mothering skills or something else, she seem to wither under her own words (that I think deep down she KNOWS aren't true!) The only other thing I can say is hang in there and remind her in a real casual way that you are in adult, you know then list things that you do that are adult about you. And if it gets really bad, remind she did rise you, well at least she be quiet for a little while!!;) Take it easy, E.

Hello G., I honestly think you are handling it well. I too have a mother who has so many strong opinions on how I should be living my life. I'm a good mother,person,wife,friend and daughter, but through the years she has often made me feel like I wasn't. So now when she tries to get controlling or exhibits behavior I dont care to have my kids or myself around, i just simply stop talking to her until she gets the point. Through the years I've resorted to this a few times and now things with her have improved so much. I think you should let her know whats bothering you and if she can't change then she need not be around you or the kids. They will benefit more, as will you, by not being around a negative influence. Hope things work out for you and Good luck. Happy Holidays, D. :)

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