Hi. I am a single mom of a 12 year old boy. I have raised my son entirely on my own. No help from his biological father (I will refer to him as "The Donor") except very mimimal child support. We dated for a very short time. The pregnancy was a total shocker to us both but I took the responsibilty and have enjoyed every minute of raising my wonderful child. He made a choice to not be involved but I did sue him for child support _ Girl Power!! Still he graciously and without concern, pushed my son aside and moved on with his life. DId I mention he neglected to tell me he was engaged? She found out, dumped him & he moved onto another gal that he married within 3 months of my son's birth. She found out about my son when she was 4 months pregnant herself. Great guy!
He has been inconsistent with support payments, lied, cheated the system and done some pretty awful things to TRY to get out of paying child support....an occassional "I want to be in his life" letter (2x a year) with no real actions behind it...He lives in another state too. My son has a Dad (my boyfriend of 5 years) but wants to meet his biological father- mostly to get near his son...so he has a brother. The Donor is a liar and I don't trust him. I told him in Oct that he needed to tell his son about X and 7 months later, he still has not done so...and is now saying that he will when a relationship is expected and supported?? Hasn't that been my question all along?? How will he support a relationship without hurting X? I have no idea how to go about setting up a first time meeting with him... A counselor said a "Neutral place"... drive 1/2 way to meet him for lunch? Has anyone else been in a similar situation?? I don't have any hopes that he will remain in his life - I know my son "X" will be hurt.... What and How do I do this to ensure that one little heart is not broken again by an "Absentee Father"?
Thanks ladies for your feedback and I have gone over all of these options numerous times in my head and some I've discussed with my son too. We are very close and I have given him appropriate answers (age wise) to his questions. My family and I believe that in the long run, it will be very difficult for the 1/2 brothers to maintain a relationship like normal sidlings being many states away...I also don't have high expectations for the Donor to finally be a stand up guy. And we've prepared X with this possible outcome. I promised him at birth, that I would support him if he ever wanted to know him, I guess I was hoping I would fill that void ya know? How do you honor someone's wishes that doesn't deserve it? It is soo hard... Regarding his wife, I heard thru his brother that their marriage has not been healthy for a long time (shocking! Tee hee) and he says that his wife is supportive but I doubt it. She called ms once when my son was 2 and threatened to take him away from me given MY past ( I suspect she was pissed that her new hubby lied to her and of course I'm the guilty one not him). I would hope she's over it... But the Donor likes everything to be about him- not my son.
Ive explained to Him numerous times the accountability factor & what is expected of him... But it gets pushed aside and there is no clear plan. I'm bitter huh?
Could you start with letters? Have your son write to his biological father and/or half brother and see if they reply? You could also "screen" the letters that come back before your son reads them to make sure the "donor" is being honest and not making promises he can't keep. Sometimes letters are easier than a face to face... it can build to that later if things go well.
I'm commenting out of the pure hatred i have for my AMAZING husbands "donor". Please protect your son, it's such a fine line and I know the hell you must be going through is breaking your heart. My husbands biological father would call him up, invite him "home" for the summer (from the ages of 7-13) they would get packed and my MIL bought the plane ticket, they'd get to the airport to send him off and he'd call as they were going through security to say he had to cancel.. this cost my MIL thousands of dollars over the years and was horrible on my husband.. even to this day we've gotten married had a kid and my husband almost died in an accident and didn't get so much as a phone call. I know it kills him, he doesn't expect anything from his dad and knows he's a loser but it still hurts. I know you have to give him access but please make a point in your head when you will deny access so it doesn't hurt him, he may get mad at you and when he's older he'll see for himself but nothing good will come out of him hurting your baby on a regular basis. This coming from being married to a 30 year old kid (at heart) with a dad who doesn't care. You sound like an amazing mom!
I have a 12yo girl, and she just met her dad about 4 years ago. He's still not a great father, but she does go and visit every summer. I also have a step-brother who when he was about 12 or 14 sought to find his biological father. Both situations turned out completely different. My daughter has some kind of relationship with her "donor" although not the best. While my step-brother's "donor" turned down the oportunity of getting to know his son. I myself didn't meet my own father till I was 13. However, I think keeping them apart is wrong. I understand it's to keep your son from getting hurt, but that could build up a lot of resentment toward you. My mom didn't approve of me meeting my dad, and I kind of did it behind her back (even with him in another state). Don't let your son do it alone. I have a decent relationship with my dad now, so it worked out for me. But, what it hadn't and my mom wasn't there to support me in whatever decission I made about seeing him. My daughter and her "donor" went through reunification therapy before she went and spent any time with him. But, he was the one that saught her out at that time (not that he keeps much contact now except when he is ready for her to come visit for a week or two). Maybe simply start out with your son giving the donor phone calls or emails. See if he responds to your son, and they can build from there. If he doesn't respond, then that will be enough to start detering your son. If he does EVENTUALLY go for a visit, then you split the cost of the plane ticket. No two ways about that. If "donor" doesn't want to pay half, then he can just come to your neck of the woods for a visit. Hope my 2 cents helps.
I have been a single mother to my son since he was born 14 years ago. His Father lives less than 20 miles from us, but has been in and out of my son's life for years. My son's desire for a relationship with his father peaked at about 11 years old and I began to initiate and facilitate more interactions between them. My son needed to know what kind of man his father is and develop his own opinions about him, both as a father and as a man. Now, at 14, they once again have limited interaction, but that is my son's choice. They simply don't have much in common. It is unfortunate, but his father has reaped what he sowed.
Long way around the bushes for me to say, that as painful as it is, for us, the Mothers, it is important for our sons to know their bio-dads. Early teens are beginning their journey into adulthood and establishing the type of man they will become. They know us, but the Dad, the male half of themselves, they need to come to terms with - to accept what type of man their bio-dad is and to understand that they are different and are not bound by their father's actions.
Your son knows that his father is a flake - unreliable and distant. But he wants to know his 1/2 brother - I think that is commendable. And understandable, as we all have a deep seated desire to know our family.
Take the counselor's suggestion - set up a day trip to, or near, the bio-dad's home. Talk to his wife, if need be, and set up a time and place, a park, restaurant, somewhere, to meet. Let the boys meet. In this day and age, with email and online gaming, etc. if they want to they will be able to keep in touch.
If it fails, and they do not respond, remind your son that when he and his 1/2 brother are both over 18, they can have any contact they desire.
Your son is aware of the reality that is his Dad - he will be hurt if he is not allowed to meet his 1/2 brother - but, don't let yourself be the one who prevents it.
Good Luck and God Bless
Wow! difficult situation, but this might be the first step in allowing your son to make some real life decisions on his own -and see the results positive or negative.
There does come a time when you cannot continue to protect your son from the absentee father and the hurt of rejection. A neccessary life lesson, sadly.
I would encourage the meeting, recognizing you can't control how it will go (or even if the donor will show up!). Then, take it day-by-day and possibly set up some counselilng or time with a trusted adult for him to process the visits after.
Good luck on whatever you choose to do!
I think that you just need to be totally up front with your son about his "donor" and that meeting him may not be what he is expecting it to be. You need to speak with him in a worst case/best case scenario type thing. Ask him in his opinion what is the worst thing that could come from meeting his dad, and then ask him what he thinks the best case scenario would be. There is no way that you can keep him from getting hurt. If it is going to happen, it is going to happen. I hope it all works out for you and your son.
Just be there when his world crumbles. Best predictor for future behavior is past behavior so this doesn't look good. Your son's expectations are going to be high regardless of what you say so I would just listen to what he has to say. I would not interject your personal thoughts too much. I would just say "I know you are excited and apprehensive and I will be there for you". You and I both know how this is going to end and you really can't stop this train wreck. However, there is the off chance that "the donor" may see the light and realize what a great son he has, thanks to you, and want to be a part of his life. Good luck!!!!
