Instead of Dead-Beat Dad - We've Got Everyday Dad...

I also agree with Teresa C even though you want your son to know that daddy still loves him you husband needs to know that by ya'lls speration he gets to spend less time with you son. Its part of the results of not being a husband anymore.

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Wow, I'm so sorry for what you are going through! It does sound to me like he wants his son to know that he still loves him and that this doesn't have to do with him. I think he also probably feels guilty and is pouring all his love onto his son to try to help him through it. But I have a couple thoughts to share (and maybe this won't be popular - I have no idea!):

It almost seems like your husband doesn't realize that part of leaving means that things change. By leaving, he is choosing to have the time with his son change to be different than the way it was when he lived at home with you guys. It means he isn't going to be there when his son gets home. He doesn't get to tuck him in each night, etc. This is a consequence of his decision to leave, though he doesn't seem to notice it yet because he's spending so much time with him. I think it's good he wants to, but at the same time, he can't have everything he wants. Either he needs to come home and be the father/husband that he needs to be and get the time he wants with his son or else he can be "free" and spend less time with his son. There are consequences to his actions and that means he is going to eventually end up with less time with his son. I agree with the idea of setting up a schedule for him to visit his son. There needs to be predictability and routine...for your son's sake if nothing else.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I find his reasoning to be rather lame (I know you aren't asking for opinions on that!) because marriage is not solely about romance. Romance is certainly great, but duty and responsibility to family is also a big part of marriage. I hope whatever happens works out the best for you and that you are able to deal with things. Things like this are so hard! My parents divorced when I was a teenager after 26 years of marriage. It wasn't a good time. I wish you the best and that you can find the strength you need through all of this.

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I know this must be hard for you. He left and he's supposed to be gone but isn't. I think what it is saying to your son, I hope, is that his Daddy still very much wants to be part of his life. It says that this thing between Mom and Dad isn't about him. He is affirming his son the very best way he can and probably feels a great deal of guilt about hurting you and your son. I know too many dads who, because of guilt or some other reason, don't see their kids enough. My dad left me and my twin sister and broke promises throughout our whole lives about visiting us. I commend you for trying to be strong about this but something has to be said about a guy who tries so hard not to let this affect his kid. That being said, he does need to set a schedule with you and stick to it. You need to know what's going on and when. No surprises. It's hard enough to keep a schedule with a busy child without Dad coming along and changing it all up. I hope you are able to talk with him and work things out in a way that is good for all of you. Lots of love.

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You need to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!! I had this same situation, tried to be nice and work with him, and all it got me was big trouble!! You need to get an attorney and file for divorce right away, to protect yourself and your assets. That does NOT mean the divorce will be final soon or anything like that. What it DOES mean is that the court will set a visitation schedule that you both must stick to; the court will set a child support arrangement (you didn't mention if he was still helping to pay for your house and ongoing bills, so I assume he is not). After you get the initial arrangement set up, you can let the divorce case sit for a while if you want to; they will let it wait until it comes up on the docket without setting a firm date for final negotiations. But, you must do something - you CAN NOT let it continue like this any longer - not for you and not for your son. You may think all this "together time" is great - but what your son needs more is stability and a schedule. It is very disconcerting for children when everything is out of what - who will pick me up, when is dad coming over, who will take me to school, etc. DO IT TODAY!!!!!!

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For one thing, I think it's AMAZING that dad is still taking on the responsibilty of his child. He's a rare one.

I'm sorry that you're going through this... and it's sad. Make sure that you are still able to get your OWN QUALITY time in on this game. Try not to find yourself fighting to get the time, yet make sure it's there. You don't want your son to feel as if he's being "tugged" or fought over... Good Luck Mom, we will be praying for you.

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K.,
I will be praying for you. I would never have made it through my divorce without God. My ex left after 15 years and my son was only 3. Just reading what you wrote brings back a lot of memories. My divorce will be final 3 years in May. I held my head high and tried to be the bigger person. My ex just wanted out. I would love to talk to you or should I say let you talk. If you want someone to listen give me a call....###-###-####.
He may seem nice now but just wait until he actually files for the divorce. You need to do what's right for the kids, but there also need to be some boundaries. He cannot come and go as he pleases. Maybe he will change his mind when he sees that it is not always greener on the other side. Stay strong and stay busy.
My prayers are with you,
L.

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While it's great for Dad to be involved and around...at some point there will need to be more defined bounaries. For now, if you think there's any chance of reconciliation, you don't want to get too definite on "visitation" in the event he comes back and this is just a "phase". But I wouldn't think it unreasonable for you to suggest to Dad that you guys plan a little in advance so you can plan dinner, activities, etc. Also, he should always call (or make arrangements) in advance, not show up unannounced, knock & wait for an answer (not use his key or walk right in).

You need time with your son as well and your son needs a somewhat stable routine he can count on. Also, you need to be able to plan for your free time and use it wisely.

Counseling might not be a bad idea. Even if your husband has made up his mind, it's important that you guys are in sync as parents.

Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and your son - but pick your battles. The more you're able to rise above the situation (both of you), the sooner the healing begins and the better you'll get along going forward.

I was the iniator in my divorce. My husband made the decision to move 1,400 miles away about a month after we separated and moved 5 months later - our son was 4 at the time. It's taken a long time for both sides to heal but my sticking to my guns about what was important and rising above the situation as much as possible has contributed to a much more positive situation. I eventually moved so my son could be closer to his Dad, grandparents and my family. We still don't necessarily approach things the same but my ex has seen that I always try to do what's best for #1-our son and #2-me. I have not put "winning" ahead of doing what's best for our son. And I believe that has caused my ex to trust and respect me - which is difficult after going through a divorce which pretty much disintegrates trust.

If you get to the point of needing an attorney, I can recommend one. I haven't used her (I was in MD when we divorced) but she's a friend and she approaches the process as positively as possible. Also, be careful about who you vent to and/or get advice from. If you're talking to your best friend who is angry at your husband because of the situation, she might encourage the wrong response. If you're talking to your grandmother who thinks you should be singing a Tammy Wynette song, that might not be good either. Try to talk to folks who sincerely care about you and your son and will respond in a balanced, productive and positive fashion.

This too shall pass. Not as quickly as you'd like - but it will pass. Meanwhile, continue to ask for prayers and grow in your relationship with God.

Peace,
C.

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The parent in me says that he seems like a great guy who just wants to be in his son's life, & that is so rare.

The pessimist in me says to be careful because he could be gearing up for a custody battle. Sit down with him to make a schedule (a fair one) to show that you are trying. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING!!!! If he shows up early or late, how cooperative he is, is he changes the schedule constantly, etc, record it all. Record when you talk & about what. I hope all that documentation will be worth nothing in the end because I hope you don't have to use it. But it will be there if you have to use it.

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Well, I thought about it last night before I posted.
I think that boundaries need to be set, for your sanity and your sons... I mean, HE WALKED OUT! He is NOT a good man. Sorry.
Perhaps he is a good father... but not a good husband. I don't know.
But I do know that since he chose to leave, you should file for separation (maybe it will jar him back to reality)... and set visitation. He can go to his son's games, etc... but you don't need to be looking over your shoulder wondering whether the man who walked out on you is going to be standing there.
Change the locks.
Get an attorney.
Get some counseling...
and move on with your life.
He get's to have his cake and eat it too, and it is time for you to take that fork away.
YES... I'm happy he wants to be involved with your son. But your son is TEN... sit down with him and tell him, daddy left our house and though I am so happy he loves you and you all have a good relationship, he can't leave us and then come/go as he pleases... we need to set some boundaries. It will be hard, but in the long run, I promise you that things will get better. Get him counseling too... whatever you have to do.
But please, squash this man's ego now...

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Be careful. It sounds to me that he is trying to prepare for a custody battle. When you get to court he'll be able to say that he was with your son every day & you did nothing with him. You need to set boundries. Sit down with a calendar & mark off the days when he sees him & when you see him. If he wants to see him everyday then tell him he has to move back in & reconcile your marriage. If he's not willing to do that, then I would let him know that it's important that you have equal time with your son as well. Don't be tricked!

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Hi K., you see controlling and i see love for his son. It sounds more like he really loves his child and wants him to know this thing he is going thru isn't about his son. I think a lot of woman who end up splitting with their husbands after 17 years would be in a lot of pain and be very confused. But your ex still loves his son very much and wants to be in his life. I know a dad who thinks he is the best dad in the world. He never arrives at his ex's house when he says he will. Hasn't paid one cent in child support. Makes empty promises, and makes his son feel guilty about the split with his son's mother, and this little boy is only 9. Who would you rather have? Let them love each other. Your son will love and repect you for it later in life.

Mom of five - 12,10,7,5,2

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Please go to counselling. This sounds much too complicated, as well as painful for you, to get all the answers you need here.

17 years is too long of a time, too much of an investment, to let it go.

Counselling, at least for you, if not BOTH of you, would really help.

There are all kinds of places to go that have reduced cost or free if you don't have insurance or can't afford it. If you can afford it, Doug Smith in Lewisville is very good.

Good luck.

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