Inequality in Gift Giving Between Siblings

Updated on January 04, 2010
M.K. asks from Glendale, CA
15 answers

hi everyone - i have something bothering me, and would like insight from others as to whether I should bring this up or not.

A little background - my parents divorced when I was 13 and my sister 15, my father remarried within a year to a woman who already had one son, they then had another 3 children in quick succession. My father had custody of us

I left home at 16 to live with my mother because I didnt like the school I was going to, I went back to visit my father most weekends until I was about 18 and went to university - after that he didnt keep very good touch with me, if I didnt call him he didnt call me, if I didnt visit he didnt visit me. I usually made an effort about once a month or so to go and visit or phone.

2 of the other children have now left home, one is in school, the other lives at home and has a good job.
the problem I have is that my father and stepmother (probably my stepmother as she is the gift buyer) have a huge inequality in the monetary value of the gifts they give to me and my sister, versus the gifts they give to the other 4 children.
this has been going on for years - an example would be, last year my oldest brother (who is an officer in the army and earns stacks) got a radar detector (around $150), my other brother got an i pod, my other sister got an elliptical machine, and my youngest brother got a laptop.
I had a $20 gift voucher for walgreens.
its not just the money that widly differs, its that there is no thought going into the gifts, its like an afterthought - its so wildy different I cant help but wonder about it.
I have never said anything about this to my father, Im not sure he even realizes - you know how men are, they sort of leave these things up to the women - but I am sorely tempted.
this year they have already sent me and my sister our present - a small food basket between ALL of us - including our children, 9 altogether - it says in the catalogue that came with the gift basket it cost $79, so divide that by 9, its about $8 each.
my sister lives close by my dad, I live far away but try and keep in touch - even though he rarely makes an effort for me - in fact he hasnt visited me in 3 years.
Im starting to wonder whether I should just tell him to forget it - and I cant help thinking it is my stepmother who is trying to ensure that I do

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So What Happened?

well thank you all for open and honest advice - i will try harder - i think my father did feel rejected when i left home, and he was never good at showing emotion even when my parents were together, so i think just more effort on my part is needed, even when i think he should call me at least sometimes

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L.B.

answers from Corpus Christi on

You did not say what kind of gifts you have gotten them, if you gave them about the same thing next year (she may get the hint)

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K.L.

answers from Houston on

Merry Christmas first of all. You say that you left at 16 because you didn't like the school but did you ever tell your father and stepmom you weren't rejecting them? Also have you ever invited them into your life now or do you so resent the fact that of their marriage and the fact that you ended up with 4 step-siblings whom are favored (which I'm betting you were prior to his 2nd marriage) that you have never really accepted any of them including your dad in your life. Girl its time to let go of the past hurts and move forward with or without your father. That is his choice but honestly look at your own attitude about it. I wish you the best.

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R.N.

answers from Houston on

This is very sad, and I'm sorry you're feeling this way during the holidays. It's not fair! I think you should talk to your father, but after you have really examined your and your sister's roles in the family. A previous poster was, I believe, correct in stating that your father probably doesn't keep in touch, plan visits, or pick out gifts b/c in his view, that has always been 'the woman's job.' It is unfortunately just a fact of life that most older men (and a lot of younger ones!) feel this way. And, his wife has always been happy to oblige, even though she doesn't give it much thought. So, if you want want a relationship with your dad, I'm afraid you and your sister are going to have to put in the effort. It doesn't take much to give him a call, or, if he is technologically up-to-date, send him a text or email. Just make an effort to keep in touch. I know it isn't fair but trust me, you don't want to have regrets down the road. When your dad is gone you don't want to find yourself thinking 'gosh, I wish I would've...' Then, when you have a closer bond with your father, you can gently bring up the inequity in gift-giving and explain that it makes you and your sister feel like acquaintances rather than family members. I think if he sees you really WANT to be part of the family, then he will want to do whatever he can to make sure you FEEL like part of the family. I hope this makes sense--good luck and try to enjoy the holidays anyway!!!

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J.T.

answers from Victoria on

it sounds like the other kids are around college highschool age. this is a time that parents usually still keep there kids spoiled. if i am caculating correctly your about 35 or 40??? my parents dont buy me expensive gifts but they splurge on eachother. I do think you father might have felt that he was rejected when you moved. but i also feel that your an adult and should just say thanks for what ever you get. with the exception of the ipod the other gifts sounds like something the kids really needed ( exercise machiene..is the girl struggeling with her weight? lap top wouldnt a college or about to be in college kid really use a lap top, the radar dectector can be bought some what cheaply on line. Those gifts them selves dont add up to being in the same price range. unless they bought the most expensive exercise machine and the cheapiest lap top. but radar detectors are what about fifty bucks? i say get over it and work on building a friendship with your dad and step mom.

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S.O.

answers from San Antonio on

I know you feel hurt by this. When I was a teen, my grandmother, (the one who was a bit bitter and held a grudge) showed a lot of favoritism to my brothers. My younger brothers would always play cards with her when we visited. I would play for a little while, then want to finish my homework or read a book. She got mad at me when I excused myself. (she was a little off her rocker.) She would tell me, "your brothers are fun to be around. you are not."

She would give them VERY nice gifts and she'd give me slippers or pj's. This affected how I treated her, and the whole cycle continued. It wasn't until much later in life that I realized I could not change the inequality in her eyes. I could not change anything about her.
I could only change me and my reaction to it.
So for my peace of mind, I decided to change my outlook on cheap gifts. If we dwell on the negative things people do to us, we can get real involved in "negative." Or you can try to change the relationship, by calling or visiting or emailing more often and take comfort in the fact that you have tried to change your reaction, not others.

Good luck.

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D.A.

answers from Houston on

I would tell talk to your father and tell him that it disturbs you that no thought seems to go into your gift. (How about you - do you put thought into their gift?) Tell him that if it's coming across as just a duty or an obligation, and at this rate you'd rather just not receive a present at all. You can even frame it as a way to build your relationship. Tell him you'd rather have his presence than his presents. I'm sure it hurts you that not only does your father not pay attention to you, but to his grandchildren as well. Mark on a calendar when you'll get together. Yes, it's kind of forced, but it's a start.

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M.B.

answers from Colorado Springs on

I am sorry. That would bother me too. Divorce is such a terrible thing, and reading your story makes me want to work even harder to ensure it doesn't happen to my family! How old are you and your sister now? It sounds like this women doesn't consider you and your sister as family. She has her own family, unfortunately with your father. Sadly, I can see her point of view. It's just an unfortunate situation. I think you should write your father a letter and explain how you feel. Not about the gifts, but about how it bothers you that you are not a part of his life. He is probably unaware of it.

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B.S.

answers from Killeen on

I think you should focus on improving the relationship instead of focusing so much on the gifts you receive. You mentioned that you live faraway that could be the crux of the issue that you have with the gifts and your nonexistant relationship. When you are not present physically it is harder to maintain close bonds if the relationship was not that strong to begin with. It is also harder to heal past hurts because you never really ever deal with them when you are not around. Most of the time you just glaze over things and deal with things on a superficial level when you finally do get together. I think you need to lay your cards out on the table and let you Dad and your Stepmom know that you want a closer relationship with them. It is obvious that you are hurt by this and I think it is more than just the inexpensiveness of the gifts. It is the lack of interest. Let them know how you would like the relationship to progress and you make the first few moves to make things better.

I live faraway from my family and never receive gifts for birthdays or Christmas celebrations, but I do not give them any either unless I am there on that day. However, I have always known I was loved and valued. Love is shown by actions, not necessarily by the cost of the gift. Meet your folks where they are right now mentally and try to get them to where you want them to be. Most of the time when you let people know what you actually expect or need from them, if they really care about you then they will try their best to do it. Give them time and opportunity and level-set your expectations. Good luck.

I hope this helps.

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L.D.

answers from San Antonio on

M., I know you've already posted an update, but I feel the need to share a similar story that may help you.
My parents divorced as I left for college, leaving my 4 younger siblings to deal with the bitter and prolonged situation. As yours did, my dad remarried and got 2 stepkids, whom he then catered to and treated so much better than he did his own (at least in our eyes). There has been a lot of resentment between father and kids, and very little communication. Any calls or visits are 99% initiated by the kids, and if a visit doesn't "fit in" to his schedule, it doesn't happen. This really peeves me since I'm out-of-state and only can visit once/year with his grandchildren! Then he wonders why his grandkids don't flock to him, why we don't call for birthdays or Father's Day, etc.
After over 5 years of this, us kids all got a bit older and wiser, and we realized things are the way they are and that you can't change people if they don't want to change. You CAN change the way you view it and respond to it. Sometimes the best response is none at all. As for me, I still call Dad once or twice a year, and give him the opportunity to meet up with us when we visit my home state. If he wants to make the effort, he has the chance. If not, he can't say we didn't offer. After talking frankly with him (and to his wife, who desperately tried to get him to "connect" with his kids at first-but it never worked, because SHE would do all the shopping, calling, emailing, etc for him; I finally told her to back off) things have been better.
For you situation, I would ignore the gift thing. Accept them as gifts, say or write a brief thank you, and leave it at that. Talk to him about how you feel -he probably doesn't have a clue, or have any inkling about how to connect with you, or even if you want to connect. If your stepmom is behind the gift-giving, he'll probably say so, along with something like "well we don't know what you like, etc etc" Don't compare yourself to your step-siblings and their gifts/etc. Stick with you and Dad's relationship. If you want there to be something more, take the first step. Give him two chances to respond to your efforts. Be honest and open - he's a grown man and a father! If he chooses not to respond, then you have your answer.

Sorry this was lengthy, but speaking from experience it can turn out better for both of you. At least in some way you will get reasons and hopefully be more comfortable with your relationship. Best Wishes!!

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J.P.

answers from Houston on

Please don't close that door to a relationship with your
father and step family. Perception is a tricky thing.
You don't know what they think about your moving out at
16. They may have cut some strings with you at that time.
Without communication, there is no understanding.
I would make an effort to try to get to know them
better, their likes and dislikes, show a real interest.
Instigate more time with them; individually, is best.
They may surprise you by showing an interest in you also.
If they continue to disappoint, you can only expect them
to continue to hurt you. Learn your lesson and take back
their ability to hurt you by knowing what to expect from
them without any higher expectations. My husband does
not know what we gave our kids this Christmas or any
Christmas. He knows it's money but doesn't know how much.
He gladly has given me that responsibility. If you need
to confront, I might say, "You clearly don't know me
very well. We need to spend more time together. I appreciate your gift, but it seems kind of generic (not
unique)." It is hard not to compare favoritism; it is human nature. But you probably would do well to not compare gifts. It is probably not the gifts that really
matter to you, but how it is significant to your relatiosnips. Keep that door open to opportunity for a
better relationship. Don't expect any changes without
real effort on your part or communication. I wish you the
very best.

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W.W.

answers from Houston on

I would be really angry. I would throw it in the trash and not contact them again. Who needs a family that treats you like that. Please don't think that everyone is like that. I am sure you are a nice person and there are plenty of people that love you. Your step-mom must not be such a nice person. Your father made his choice and may not have know what it was going to be like. No one can replace your mother. It is a hard one to answer. I Let your dad know what is going on. Let him know that it is not the gift but the lack of consiferation that is so hurtful.

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N.H.

answers from Houston on

Well, we had the same issue at first w/my in-laws (the stepmother & his father, not the biological mom). The first time I met them at Christmas, I & my mom spent some money for their gift, it was a very expensive baking dish set (not knowing what else to get them). I rec'd a mini-writing note pad & a golf pencil. Talk about cheap. I felt really stupid giving them such an expensive gift. After that, it was small, inexpensive gifts like a manicure set, etc. Now we just receive a check w/an equal amount on it but for a while, me & my b-friend (now hubby) & his sister felt really shafted b/c they would lavishly spend money on her kids & grandkids. We felt like outsiders. What I would suggest to you is talk to your stepmother, not your father at first. Just ask her "why is it that you receive such poor gifts compared to her/their own kids?" Remind her that you realize it's the thought that counts but tell her about the Walgreens certificate compared to the lavish gifts the other children rec'd. If no luck w/her, then talk to your father or you may want to sit them both down at the same time initially. That may be a better idea, that way you can broach the subject in his wife's presence. You may hafta resort to sending her the same type of gift & if she asks, just tell her that you're just sending a comparible gift to what you rec'd. True, sounds childish but sometimes if nothing else works, you may hafta resort to such measures. I wish you the best of luck.

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A.T.

answers from Houston on

Life isn't fair; forget the inequalities and be grateful that your step-mom still gives you a little something. Maybe you are more bothered by the fact that you feel "forgotten" by your dad. Now that you should definitely bring up.

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L.G.

answers from Austin on

It doesn't sound to me like your stepmother is trying to distance herself, it just sounds like there isn't a natural bond between her and you and your sister. Don't ever compare and then read into the gifts. Be thankful that they get you something. I'm sure it is hard for your stepmother to buy something for people she doesn't know, hence the gift cards or food baskets. If you were around her daily and you kept mentioning that you would like a laptop, maybe you would have gotten one.

Divorce leads to awkward situations like this. I would be thankful for the family I have, assume the best of intentions in what everyone gives and enjoy the season. Choose to keep a positive attitude about it all. If you want a relationship with your dad, then plan opportunities to get together. If he doesn't make the plans, don't assume he doesn't want to; he may just not be the planner type. Just assume they love you and don't know how to give gifts.

Hope you are having a wonderful Christmas.

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N.D.

answers from Houston on

I'm sorry. It's wrong no matter how you look at it. It's very obvious that there's favoritism.

As far as visiting and keeping in touch, it's been my experience that men, in general, don't keep in touch. (My first husband claimed a best friend he saw once every few years. When my present husband talks about old friends he assumes they never moved or changed, like they'll be there if/when he wants to go see them.) I've also seen that the older generation expects the younger to be the one to visit and call. It really does seem the natural way once your children grow up. And I often didn't want to intrude on my adult children's lives, but if I had waited for them to contact me we wouldn't be near as close. So, I choose to work on my end to keep relationships strong.

Sadly, it's like people don't really get it that we won't be around forever and we need to value and cherish our loved ones. It appears you've been getting that better than the older generation in your family. So, I say, pray and ask God to help you forgive, have good boundaries, try to be a blessing and don't expect what others aren't able or willing to give. That's their loss, don't let it be yours.

Have a blessed Christmas! You are very special to God!!!

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