Independence

Hi S., One of my 3 kids is 6 and he just started kindergarten this year. He goes thru stages where he does every single thing by himself, and other days, he can't seem to function on his own! On the days he does do things by himself, I really praise him and go on and on about how big and smart he is and what a great job he did getting dressed or whatever it may be. I have 3 kids to get up and ready in the morning. I have decided to pick my battles and if my 6 yo needs help doing something and it's faster for me to help him, I just do it and remind him that he's a big boy and can and should do it himself. My oldest daughter is special needs and although she can do everything by herself, she needs reminded of what is "next". So having a schedule in the morning where you do exactly the same thing each morning might help move your daughter along by herself. For example, my special needs daughter gets up and we all have breakfast, then she goes in her room and gets her clothes on. Sometimes she comes out without her shoes and sock so I say, you need to put on your shoes and socks, and she does. Then she comes out and she brushes her teeth. after that she might forget that brushing her hair is next, so I remind her to do that. Its like one task at a time instead of just "get ready for school". So you may try a schedule and stick to it IN ORDER every single morning. She is old enough that you should not be doing so much for her I think. I hope that helps and good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Hello S.,
I can see your point. You are making it easier on both of you to help her with her needs so she gets out on time. However, she has to see that these things have to be done if you were there or not. And all these things are importamt to do so she can go to school. I do not believe cutting up her waffles will stunt her growth =D because I still have my man cut up my steak for me..LOL (lose feeling in fingers and cannot do it 100%)
Try to make a less as you have to do in the am as you can. Have her bathe at night-lotion at bedtime. You guys can pick out the outfit & everything she will need to put on, laying out ready for her to just pick up & put on. Laying it out helped me remember to not forget to do/use/wear that day when I was a kid.
You also may wanna try a "checklist"(on her door to her that may help her remember to do. You could do something quick n simple on the computer. Easy as finding large simple graphics that are easy for her to know what chore that would have to do with. ex: pictures of a tooth brush,hair brush,backpack(not to forget to take out the door)etc. Or make one from clippings or can buy them at craft & I do believe Wal-Mart. You could do a dry erase for her to checkoff. Either way, I think a daily routine or a structured type order of important duties that she needs to follow and do each day would help her get independent.
You want to show her that you want to see HER do it(getting ready)& her able to do it "all by myself" and what a big kindergartner she is! When she is taking her time on doing something on her own, try to tell her that doing them is good but X,X & X have to be done too so make sure she will have time.
I also have found that it worked when I gave them an incentive to want to finish getting ready & not go back to bed. It could be a favorite songs played(home or car),tv/cartoon on, special breakfast option etc.
I would also "test" how much time she actually needs. I know we all know someone that takes an hour shower and 2 hours to get ready-just to go to the store.LOL She might be a diva and needs more time-even if she does not like it. More she can do at night that she does not have to do in the am is less for her to worry about. She may get flustered if she feels she is rushed(not by you but the time itself)
Try giving her cereal bars,yogurt/gogurt/fruit to give her on the go if she is waiting at the bus stop or in the car. Let her discover things and experiment with hairstyles without hoovering over her. She will be able to gain independence when she is able to express herself. Give her your opinion but let her see for herself that you were right.=) I am dealing with this myself. I have really tried to be understanding on what HE likes and not make my opinion known/noticed but supportive and he has shown some confidence in himself for doing it. I like seeing this. My son is into this skateboarder look with the "hair in the face & cannot-see eyes" & he can proudly sport pink (not everything)because it is "cool" for them too & I can swear he has his phone glued to both hands for easy text messaging back n forth..WHILE HE IS LOOKING AT ME!!!LOL=D
But he loves that I do not call him a girl or a gay assumption for the choices his style has and that I let him be him.
Email me if you needed anything.=)

I think I would pick one thing at a time to work on...sounds like you have a list of possibilities, and you would not want to overwhelm. (Or be late to school)
It would probably be good if you had your daughter "buy in" to the (broken down to small steps) plan too, by explaining the advantages to her and you and family.
I hesitate to recommend the sticker chart or little tangible reward stuff too soon. I think, an "aren't you glad you did that all by yourself!" response would be a better reward. Maybe then point out how by taking care of herself, you (mom) had more time to do (whatever). Her independence in care helps everyone.
Good luck.

Hello,
There are some things that 6 year olds still need help with. I have a 5 and 7 year old and they both have jobs to do on their own in the morning: make their bed, brush their teeth, get dressed (buttoning and everything), get homework ready for me to sign and put everything in their backpack. I still ask them if they have done these things because this age still needs reminding. I have a job chart of all the things they have to do on their own and they check it off as they go. They get lots of praise when they remember to do things on their own. My children brush their own hair, but I style it, since this is still difficult, especially ponytails! They both are able to cut their own waffles also. If you want to start creating a little more independence, start on the weekends with one task at a time and when she has mastered it, add another. Sometimes it is hard to know when to let go and let them be independent, especially for us Moms! Have a great day!
K.

Hi,
My kids are older...and I really cannot remember what we did when they were small. What I can tell you is that I work in a school. I have 4 KG classes at my school and kids range from not knowing their name to reading. I can tell you that most kids look like their parents GOT them ready at that age. As I am a cafeteria manager..anything you can do to help them feed themselves is great, teach them their last name and so on. As far as getting dressed and ready for school..I dont think they stop needing help till about 2nd grade. hehe I hope that helped.
M.

Hi S. -

My son will be 6 in February, and he too is in Kindergarden. I wake him up anywhere between 6 and 6:30 depending on how early we have to leave that morning. He is completely responsible for dressing himself and the other "getting ready" things. And if he decides that he wants to eat before we leave, he also gets his own breakfast (unless it's toast - he'll put the bread in the toaster, but I take it out for him because the toaster is hot). He is also responsible for his homework every night - I might remind him once, but I really believe that kids need to learn to be responsible for themselves.

I hope that you and your husband can come to a good compromise! Raising children is not easy at all, so it's very important that the parents are a team :)

good luck,
M.

My daughter is also 6 and in kindergarten. I used to try and pick her clothes and do her own hair but she never wanted me to and it was always a fight. I started letting her get herself ready about 3 months ago. She is so proud when she gets ready by herself. sometmies she looks like a raggamuffin but at least she feels good about herself. I didn't want her to grow up thinking that she had to look good in order to be accepted. She feels good about herself and that's all that matters. And as far as the buttons etc., I would let her try herself and if she needs help, she'll ask. She's at an age where she can do all of that stuff by herself and all the while she's developing her self esteem. Stand back and see all the wonderful things she is able to do in her own. That's what we raise them for. Good luck.
PS. I do make her change if she looks totally unacceptable.

Hi S.,
I also have a 6 year old girl, and I think that it is a good age to encourage their independence and sense of personal responsibility and accomplishment. They are in school now, and are being expected to accomplish tasks and be somewhat independent while they're are at school, so it's probably time to help them further develop those traits at home, too.

Our routine is that I wake my daughter in the morning, and ask her to start getting ready. Her before school responsibilities are to: get dressed (I lay-out the clothes the night before), brush her teeth, brush her hair (then I style it), make her bed (to the best of her ability, anyway), feed her fish, and eat breakfast (which I make for her, although she likes to get her cereal and milk for herslef if that's what she is having).

Sometimes it is probably more of a pain to have her get herself ready, as 6 year olds often get distracted, or they can't complete some tasks as well or as quickly as Mom could, but I think that it also builds character and a sense of personal responsibility which are good things to start early. Plus, like you, I also have a 2 year old and myself to get dressed as well, and I need all of the help that I can get some mornings! If you do decide to start giving her some morning responsibilities, I think that it is important to remember to lay out a set list of responsibilities that she will have every morning, and maybe even make her a chart of them to help keep her on track. If she's anything like my big girl, she will get distracted sometimes or dawdle and do things so much slower than you would, and you'll still have to help motivate her and keep her on track if you want to get to school on time. It's also important to keep your expectations reasonable for her age--my girl won't be able to make a bed like I prefer it to be (I make sure to recognize and praise her greatly for her best efforts on it). Six year olds are still developing their muscle control in their hands, so she may still need help cutting those waffles (but maybe she could get the syrup out for you). But, when my daughter gets her morning list done with time left over, I give her free play time before school and she is SO happy and proud of her accomplishment!

I have a 7, 4, and 2 year old. My 7 year old is in 1st grade and does take her sweet time to get herself ready in the morning (I will say she is a lot faster than she was in Kinder) but I do help her out a lot in the mornings. I dont' see anything wrong with it children don't have a concept of time like adults do and you will find next year she will be a lot better at getting herself ready in the mornings. If you don't already maybe you can set her clothes out the night before and ask her to get dressed first thing when she wakes up. Also on the weekends I have my children do small chores around the house and let them get themsleves ready (even do their own hair as crazy as they may look) so they learn a little responsibility.

all i can tell you is that if you continue to do things for your kids, its a lot easier for them to just let you do them. i have taken a kid to school in his pjs , one with no shoes because it was time to go and he didnt have his shoes and couldnt find hem because he didnt put them away the night before, they will not starve it they dont have breakfast but you can be sure they will remember they were hungry the day before and eat breakfast the next day, all on their own. if they dont wake up on time then they go to school in their pjs with nasty teeth, no breakfast and they wont want to do it again. make sure you talk to the teacher and tell her what you are doing. it only takes a couple of times. even at that young age they need to start learning responsibility and consequences. if not it will be harder as they get older. if she doesnt button her shirt then it goes unbuttoned until she does it because she knows how to do it right?

Me again, the parent educator here. This is a great question by the way! I haven't read the other posts yet, so I hope I’m not repeating. At the age of 6 I would agree with dad and say she can do more for herself than what she’s doing.

Each step a parent makes to help a child move toward independence is a pretty big-huge leap for the child. You know what you want her to do; she’s just learning how to do it for herself.

One great way to take this step is to have practice sessions over the weekend. That way if it takes longer than it would on a normal day, it's a weekend day and there’s no need to rush in order to make it to school on time.
Step one: Make sure to show her what you want her to do, and then have her show you what she's learned.
Step two: If you’re the kind of family that does this, you can have her make a list of things that need to be accomplished before she gets in the car, kids love to make lists and draw pictures next to the words.
Step three: Have a race to see how fast she can accomplish getting ready when there is no rush. This shows you and her what she can do.

This process comes with a warning. There are only a few things that children can be in complete control of at this age. Sleeping, eating, how fast they move and potty habits. So when your child realizes that she’s doing this for herself, she may decide to slow it down a bit, that’s normal. You can sit in her room the first week and support her as she gets ready herself. Then slowly try and pull the involvement back. Also, talk with her teacher and let her know that you guys may be late, and tell her what you’re doing. Teachers tend to support this type of growth and will excuse any lateness. Doing things this way provides the perfect experience for your child. She will come to see that going slow makes her have to walk into class late as well. This is a true natural consequence, and you can be as supportive as you want, as long as you don't fix it for her. You did say you didn't want to enable her, didn’t you?
Good luck. There are many more tips and ideas like this on my website. The idea from this question came from seminar number 8, and there are more tips in that seminar as well. Check all the seminars out, they're short, and inexpensive, only $8.95! Go to: www.proactiveparenting.net