45 answers

Inconsiderate Husband

How do I put my foot down and tell my husband he can't do something? He went to play basketball today after I told him I have a final due on Tuesday. We've had the conversation before that he'll stay home while I do my homework and that works for about a week and then he plays basketball again. I understand that he wants to get out of the house but it's not fair to me. I never go any where except to class one night a week for 4 hours. I always make it clear to him how much it upsets me that he goes and doesn't consider my feelings. I really don't think I'm asking too much. I'm finishing a business degree so we can have a better future. I just feel as if I'm always the one who sacrifices and he doesn't. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

Get divorced now, it's not going to get any better....or just keep reminding him what it's all about.

Hi M...It can be hard sometimes to be taken advantage of, exspecially in todays time of sharing responsibilities of work & home. Do you know the quote "You can get more flies with honey then vinegar"? I use that quote all the time with my family. It has to be his idea to stay home & help while you study. Tell him how much you appreciate him working & doing hat he does do, but you really need his help and wouldn't ask if you didn't. If you demand him stay home OR give ultimatums, it never works.
Blessings....D. P

Unfortunately you can't control him. So, hire a babysitter and go to the library to study. He'll either stay home to keep from lossing the money or continue to play. Either way, you both get the time you need.

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Kim is being a bit harsh...don't you think? We can't all have PERFECT hubsands. Go on strike...don't do anything for him...tell him you didn't have time...don't clean his shower, only cook quick simple food for the kids. Make sure there is enough for him, but nothing that he loves...DOn't be mean. Just don't go out of your way to do anything for him, and be very nice about it. It works wonders....A degree is how to help secure your future and your families future. No one can take that away from you. Anyone that tells you any different, is only jealous becuse they don't have one.

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Your husband & you are supposed to be ONE. His actions don't seem like he is considering anyone but himself. Obviously, he doesn't really consider getting your business degree a priority. In God's house of marriage we are to function as a whole, not individual's, which we often so fail, including me. I would say have a heart to heart talk with him & discuss the issue & keep discussing it even when you both fall short of each other. As husband & wife you are both accountable to each & to God. It's our actions that built the house that God wants!!!!
A great marriage book that helps couples who seems to be struggling is "Rocking the Roles" it really helps to see wives as husband-child lover's, yet the husband is held to a higher standard of his wife & that is servant leader!!!
It's also deals with women not enabling their husband, yet loving them enough to truly become their helper for God's purpose not man's. We talk about accountability in every other relationship except marriage, yet that is the most important foundational relationship in building & ordering the 'house of God'. May God give you compassion & wisdom in dealing with his mission.

blessings, Jo

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Why do you feel that your husband shouldn't get a little time to himself, just because you are in school? You weren't clear, but are you asking him to watch the children so you can study? Or are you just irritated that he burns a little steam and you aren't getting out of the house?

In my opinion, if all he is doing is playing basketball with buddies you are lucky. Many, many guys are off drinking in bars & strip clubs leaving you on your own. If he is truly being a partner and a support for you and your goals you should be thankful and support his needs, too.

You do need to come to agreement on what is a good balance for you both. If school is your "job" (& I assume he has a job, too), then you need to work out options for childcare and adult playtime. Get a sitter occasionally, swap with other moms, do on a date with your husband. If you don't work on positive things, only nagging about what he isn't doing you both will get resentful and that will only go south. Simply stating that he "isn't allowed to go out" isn't a fair, balanced adult relationship.

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Do this first...

Take a breath for a minute. Think about the positives about your husband and don't look it as trying to put your foot down. Don't hold him responsible for you not getting out of the house.

Now, make it a point to get out of the house and go to Starbucks or the library to study. Give him fair advance notice when you are taking the time to do this so that he doesn't make plans. As long as you have a phone with you, he should be fine. This will also ensure you are focused on your class.

Men don't think! If you are available he won't feel the need to be there. He's thinking he has worked all week and needs time to himself. So he does his thing to destress. We as women think a man should look at the whole situation and step into our shoes. This will never happen. If you want a spouse that thinks like a woman, then you have to marry a woman. Don't play the martyr... just take away the options.

Good luck!

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First, even if he is wrong, I don't think a marriage partner should put their (foot) down. Your aren't each others parent, this could backfire, like a thought of, your aren't my parent, I'm in control of myself. Now, have you had a talk with him when not angry asking if he agrees that it would be good for your family for you to work for now, or have you both thought the age of your children , it would be good for awhile to be a stay at home mom? Also, another thought, if he played ball,but was just consicerate enough not to go on the one day?
None of these ideas may apply to you, I'm trowing them out as thoughts that may help.

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Try working out an agreement where he get's one night a week to play basketball. Have it a set day if possible so each can work around the schedule. In exchange, he agrees to stay home keepng the kids so you can do what you need to do on one or two nights a week. The night of classes don't count, that's a given that you will be out of the house.

I'm a grandmother, with his and ours kids and grandkids and compromise is a wonderful thing. It sets the expectations of what, who, when and where. Be Blessed. Momma Billie

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Listen to all these very wise women! Never try to MAKE ANYONE do anything. Least of all your husband. He is a grown Man. You have enough just to try & control yourself. I understand how frustrating it can get. I have been in your shoes. Most Women have. I like the advice for you to get a sitter. Even if you have to pay for it. What is the quiet time worth to you? What is the peace of mind worth to you? What is your relationship with your husband worth to you? What is your education worth to you? What are YOU worth to you? I think ALL of those things are worth at LEAST little extra pocket change. I BELIEVE YOU are worth it!! And so is your husband. And so are your kiddos.

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M.

I've been there, done that in my youth with my most dearest husband (now! : ) of 40 years. Wives should never even THINK of putting their foot down and telling their husband ANYthing - no matter how unfair he is being. The husband is the one who will stand before God and answer for his behavior. YOU cannot do anything to "make" him do something or "change" the way he is.

The word says that they will change their behavior due to their wife's soft words and godly attitude. This is because if the wife steps back and gets in line with what God tells "you" to do, then God will get after the husband! He can make those changes you so desperately want. The Creator can ring your husband's bell, I promise! : )

It was amazing one time when I was SO upset with my husband and knew 100 out of 100 people would say I was right and he was wrong, but God was telling "ME" to do the changing of MY ways! I remember hollering at Him that it wasn't fair, but none-the-less, I pledged obedience to Him and did as He said. It was extra-ordinary! Almost like I could "SEE" God dealing with my husband and him changing.

Today, we've been married 40 years and he always is considerate and loving and wonderful - why as I was in here this morning typing away and checking emails, he cleaned the Sunday kitchen after company. We had left it all and gone straight out to the ranch to ride horses after dinner and I was too pooped to pop when we got home last night - plus I had to get a couple of loads of laundry done so the boys (we're rearing 4 grandsons ages 11, 9, 8, and 5 now) would have uniforms for school this morning.

I truly feel like Mary must have - blessed among women for God giving me such a wonderful and remarkable husband.

Blessings
G.

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My suggestion is....on the nights you need to study leave the house with him there watching the kids then he has no choice but to watch them. Leave and find a quiet place to study...local library or even a Barnes and noble etc. You might find a friend or family memember that will let you use a room to do this. Your studing is very important so don't let anything stand in the way. Dont give him the chance to leave the house before you do. If that doesnt help tell him he has to pay for someone else to watch the kids since he is choose'n to be selfish. Make him take the baby sitting money out of his spending money.
Good luck

Princess

Hi M...It can be hard sometimes to be taken advantage of, exspecially in todays time of sharing responsibilities of work & home. Do you know the quote "You can get more flies with honey then vinegar"? I use that quote all the time with my family. It has to be his idea to stay home & help while you study. Tell him how much you appreciate him working & doing hat he does do, but you really need his help and wouldn't ask if you didn't. If you demand him stay home OR give ultimatums, it never works.
Blessings....D. P

Well I have a several part suggestion I guess. First of all at the first of the week, or month whichever works best for you guys, you need to work up a schedule, certain times for him to play ball, certain times for you to study, and certain times for the two of you together (no kids), and some family time as well. You could also study while the kids are napping or after they go to bed, that is when I do my work. At least that way if you have a schedule then no one is put on the spot at the last minute when a pick up game comes around, he will know ahead of time when he can play so maybe he can organize his games early. It also keeps you from feeling like you are his mother instead of his wife. I know there are certain times during the week that my husband does his thing, and he knows that there are certain times that I do mine, it cuts down on lots of unneeded conflict. You can also find with that kind of schedule you don't feel near as stressed.

Email him to remind him the day before and the same day. Then have your stuff ready or already in the car so when he gets home all you have to do is say "hi honey, see you later" and head off to BnN. If he heads off right after work, find out where he's PLAYING at and drop the kids off and let him know that while he's PLAYING you'll be getting ready for a final.

First of all, why do you need your husband to stay home while you study? To do chores? To baby sit? If not for some reason to directly benefit you, I would say let him play ball with the boys. I would think that him staying home would be a distraction. I've been there--done that and I always studied at night after my 3 children and husband went to bed, so that it was nice and quiet and I could concentrate. You sound as though you might be somewhat jealous that he may be having a little fun without you. Would be a good idea for you to get a babysitter, if only for a couple of hours, so that the two of you could do something fun together once a week,or at least every 2 weeks.

M. I understand what you are going through. My husband is not the most considerate either. I am working on my two year degree just now after twenty years. My kids are older than yours so it makes it much easier but
he still expects me to cook, clean, shop, laundry, etc.
Last night I had homework which meant I got on the computer at five and was on until ten. He got a sandwich for dinner. Some nights he knows that if I have deadlines he has to be flexible. I can't imagine doing it with little ones, I admire you for it. You hang in. I would talk to him and just try to explain it is not forever and you are only asking for a little extra time to get your work done so the degree can benefit the entire family.
If that does not work then on the night you go to school I would either leave early or stay late so you have some extra time to catch up what you can not do at home with the kids there. It is imperative I think that you do what you have to do to help him realize how important this is to you and the future of the family.
Fortunately my boys are all teenagers, one in college and, one recently graduated High school and one in 7th grade.
they actually help me with homework when I need it.
I know how hard it is with little ones.
Maybe you could ask a family member to sit with them for a few hours a week so you can catch up, or work on your homework when they are napping, etc. I am trying to be creative. I do remember how stressful is is having little ones and being able to accomplish the necessities but homework and little ones, a different story. What about another Mom, a neighbor that could come over and watch them or take them for a few hours at the park?
Every little bit helps when it comes to homework. I do mine on my lunch break at times. First I would talk to your husband and just let him know how important it is. Maybe work out something where he has a day he spends with the kids so you can do your school work and then he has a day that he goes and plays basketball with his friends.
I don't know... I hope that helps!
Good luck and don't give up on school it is so important.
You CAN DO IT!
C. M

Well, I graduate in may and I tell my husband that if he wants me to get a job so we have more money he can either go play videogames (our basketball) or he can stay home and watch the kid while I study. I would also get out of the house to study and leave him with the kids. If you can schedule time for BOTH of you to leave the house without the kids. That would help you and him out.

Why not split the day up you study half and he plays bb for half. I strongly suggest going to barnes and knobles on your morning to study You will get more work done not having the distractions. I did that and if oppurtunities came up for my husband to play golf he had no choice but to wait for me to get home. You can also look into their reading program during the weak they have puppet shows and story time for the 2 year old. You can get out of the house a bit and not have to spend money. It may be hard but dont forget you and your husband should have a date night at least once a month. Your relationship is imporatant.

U have a right to be upset. No matter wat any other person up here says. U asked him to watch His Kids. An I think thats wat their missing U didn't make them on ur own .Yes he works all day, An Yes he needs a break. Its not a point of puttin ur foot down it's a point of him seein that if U fail the class thats money an time wasted. An U finishin school Is not selfish or only thinkin of ur self. But if U guys don't talk this out ur never goin to finish up anything. Been there done that... GOOD LUCK

M. I can only give you a suggestion. I would suggest that you tell him that when you have something like this that the boys are his to take care of if he wants to play basketball then he needs to take them along if possible or find a sitter.
I was very lucky I met my husband his senior year in high school. he went to the military for 4 years while I went to college. We were married 4 years before we had our daughter. We have been married 14 years this june. You might want to ask if he has some problem with you finishing college. Maybe he has some fears about it and if you talk to him maybe he will open up about it.
M.

Me and my husband went through this stuff last year, I know exactly where you are coming from. I suggest that you ask him to set aside one night a week for playing basketball and then let him know that you will be studying on another night so he must be at home that night. Then you should leave the house and go study somewhere else because let's be honest, you still can't concentrate if you are at home with the kids even if they are in another part of the house. I suggest gooing to a local coffee shop or the library, if possible and doing your work that way. No distractions works best and you learn more when you are not interupted. You can get more done that way.

Also explain to your husband that it's not just you who is a parent and You aer not the only one to make sacrifices in you new roles as parents. I know it is very impotrtant for you both to have your own hobbies, but guys too cought up in their own selfishenss that they forget that while they are away from the house you are at home raising the kids and it's not fair. My hubby had to realize that saying no occationlly to his friends offers led to a happier home life. It's much more balanced now and Iv'e started a girl's night once a month for me and It gives me a break too. I hope this helps I know I'm rambling on.

Good Luck

I don't think negotiating with him will work. He is obviously not keeping the bargian. I would hire a sitter or drop the kids off at a by-the-hour day care center. There are plenty around. If hubby thinks the cost is too much, he will be more willing to stand up to watch the kids. You also just need to get out of the house to study. If you are home, you are going to get interruptions. No doubt about it. If you need a quiet place, head to a public library or a college library. If you can work with noise, there is alwasy a Starbucks nearby.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!! First of all honey...you are so VERY right it's not even funny!!!!! I am an equal partner in my marriage and I do work FT - as a SAHM! I am on call 24/7 and let me tell you...going to school in addition to being a SAHM must be killer! Also, for the women who call getting a babysitter "pocket change", when was the last time that you hired a sitter - 1975!!!! Get real...it $12-$14 and hour where I live to get a decent sitter for two kids! Also, to the woman who mentioned "holding your husband hostage" - PLEASE - I call it "raising and spending quality time with your children". I am SO surprised by the COMPLETE sound of subserviant behavior that is being exhibited in these responses. How would your husband feel if you left a couple of hours and went to go scrapbook while he had to work? He would be angry and he would let you know about it. Stand up for yourself girl...and don't fall into the subserviant housewife trap!!!

Hi M.,

You've received a lot of varying suggestions. I've been married 6 years now. With marriage and really any kind of relationship, communication is so important. Men tend to be more literal and concrete. If you need to sit down together with your husband and work out a schedule of when you need to study and when you would like his help, get it out on the calendar so that there's no room for misunderstanding.

I agree with the one mother who shared about respecting your husband, and the other who said you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Wise advise from mothers who have been married for awhile.

Also, men are wild at heart. They tend to need something physical to get their aggressions/frustrations/stresses out. Look at his basketball outings as his way of staying healthy. Not healthy only physically but mentally and emotionally. Don't take that outlet away, encourage it. He could be doing much worse. Now of course, that doesn't mean that he shouldn't also be considerate of your needs. If he can get out and go play basketball, then you too need to get out with the girls or on your own and have time to rejuventate. It's so important so you take that time for yourself too!

The suggestions other mothers made about asking family members, neighbors, or even hiring a babysitter so that you can study are good suggestions. Yes, it would be good for your husband to help out too but again, just like you or anyone, we all need time to rejuvenate and basketball is his thing. I refer back to the suggestion of mapping out a schedule on a calendar.

And a little unsolicited advice...
Marriage takes work. It's give and take, sometimes more give than take. If you want a fulfilling happy marriage then make sure to communicate and work with your husband to find something that works for you both. As time goes by, you'll grow and learn and you'll hopefully be like the other mothers who are happily married giving out wise advice to newlyweds.

I wish you all the best in your studies and in your communications with your husband.

Take care, A. Henderson

Unfortunately you can't control him. So, hire a babysitter and go to the library to study. He'll either stay home to keep from lossing the money or continue to play. Either way, you both get the time you need.

Go buy the book "the five love languages" by Gary Chapman it is usually at Christian book stores. It is the most simple easy to read book and you will both find yourself in there. This has been a big help to us as well as all our friends. (we buy it for everyone we know that is married and give it as a gift to newlyweds) IT IS AWESOME!!! it will open the doors for a great discussion and hopefully change. Good luck

Get divorced now, it's not going to get any better....or just keep reminding him what it's all about.

The surest way to get what you need is to make yourself hard to refuse. I can see how you feel but I think you must do these classes at least a little because you enjoy them and not just for your future together. I assume that you are receiving some benefits to your self-esteem there as well. So it is not just you giving. Try not to see what you do as a personal sacrifice, it is what you have chosen to do with your time. I have always thought that when my husband spends time doing other things he comes home to me a happier mate. You must provide him with an environment that he wants to be in. If every time he returns from his time away you "put your foot down" how will he want to be there?

I know how hard going to school while having kids is. I just graduated not too long ago, myself. I had three older and 1 newborn during that time. You have to give yourself mini-vacations. Even if it is just 10 mins. of magazine time in the yard while the kids nap. It might be helpful to have a set time that you go away with friends like his outing is. That way it is always scheduled and he knows it is valuable to you. Phone time at night is helpful too. For a while I had a phone club called "Work Widows." It was a lifesaver for us all. We had a group of gals who called various members each night like a phone tree. When you didn't have time to talk you could refuse the person calling. But you had to talk to the person you called if they needed it. Gals just need more adult conversation than men do.

Finally, I don't know where you are spiritually but God has a plan for you in all this. Sometimes it is the difficult things that teach us the most. Learning to serve one another is a very long and precious process. You have not been married that long and so it may still be harder for you to lay your own will down and accept His for your life. Walking this path with joy as unto the Lord would be a huge step towards your maturity with God. Forgiving him for not doing what you think he should will move that process along more quickly. Mostly, you have to do what is required of you despite what he does. He will get the idea as the Lord speaks to him. Pray for him and ask the Lord to show him what you need instead of complaining to him. My mom told me, before I got married, to be a lion of Judah in my prayer time and a lamb everywhere else. It has been wonderful advice and works with many things. If you go to a church it would be good to discuss this with an older woman as a mentor of sorts, or you can contact me too.

well, what are the consequenses for his actions? i know it sounds stupid, but when your kids act up they get punished and then they don't do it again. sometimes it takes several tries, but if you stick to your guns it works. as adults we experience the same. if you don't study you don't pass and it's just a waste. consequences. so if he blows you off and does what he wants knowing how you feel about it what are you going to do about it? if the answer so far is nothing...yell for a little while. np. he can take that. it is worth it to him to get yelled at to have his time. so, what are the consequenses for his actions?

First, kudos to you for squeezing classes in where you can. Ok, I agree with several of the previous posts about not asking and just taking the time you need and I agree 100%! I'm a FULL time student and still have to remind the troops occassionally that we all have to give priority to homework time if we want mom/partner out of school in this lifetime! ha!

M., give yourself permission. That's it. You're there all day and every other time, now you put your foot down and take the time you need. No fight, no argument, no negotiations. Good luck!

First of all, I can understand how you feel. I'm sure you are stressed out and having to study with 2 kids around just is impossible. (I've had to do it too) If you are studying all day today and he's watching the kids, you need a break too. You guys should agree on a schedule or something. Hey, I really need to study most of Sunday, but if you want to do basketball- let's try and make it only 1 1/2 hours or something like that. During that time, you can get some time with the kids to play or better yet- have him schedule his game during naptime! Then, you can still study while he's gone. I know, I know, why should he get a break, you don't go out much- but you should. Schedule girl nights with your friends. Go see a movie, play bunco, get a brownie sundae! You deserve it. I really believe that in a marriage it's important to have your time with your friends. Both of you need breaks and some guy/girl time. He should watch the kids. If you aren't meeting up with friends, go get a pedicure or something- just get out of the house and and have some time for yoru self- WITHOUT KIDS. :) You might even consider having a girls weekend. From what I can tell from the email, you are more upset that he goes out and you don't than the studying part. ( I might be wrong) Now, that doesn't let him off the hook about your studying. He agreed to watch them while you study and he should stand by his word. ;) Have a talk with him and tell him how you feel. If he feels like you're giving a little (ie) he gets a hour break, then I'll bet he'll be more receptive too. You don't want either of you getting resentful- it will push you away from each other.

Honestly you can't MAKE him... but you can hire a sitter and show him if he can't consider you that YOU can. Hire a sitter, go to the library... let him know he should be home by ___ to relieve the sitter... and leave.
Turn off your cell and show him that you mean business.
GOOD LUCK!

Hide the basketball and tell him he's not getting it back until he does what you've asked! If that doesn't work, throw away his tennis shoes. If nothing's yet changed, girl, just take away sex! I know it sounds juvenile, but he's acting like an inconsiderate, teenage boy. So fight juvenile with juvenile!

You should NOT have to stay up all hours of the night, either. He needs to be at home, taking care of the kids so you can get some study time. Good luck!

I know what you mean and sometimes I think it's a man thing. They just don't think. With me and my husband it's him helping around the house. Although I have a pretty laid back job and get to be home and with the kids most of the day, I still have a 'full time' job. He comes home and leaves a trail from him undressing! lol. Shoes in the hall...shirt by the recliner...pants by the bed when he goes to sleep. He doesn't do dishes and doesn't help clean or help much with the kids and getting them fed and ready for bed. The list goes on. Anyways, I'll finally break down and mention it to him and he'll do better for about a week or so and then it's back to the same old thing.

I think right now it's just really stressful for you and so it's going to get on your nerves more then any other time. Also I think guys when they work all day are just big babies when they come home and think about themselves. He's probably going to play b-ball in unwind and not really intentionally doing it to hurt you.

I would say just remember to relax and try to calmly explain how stressed and exhausted you are and let him know for sure the times that you need help.

Good luck sweety!

Since he thinks you don't need a back-up with the kids to study, take your studying to the library or a study-pal's place and let him play Daddy. Or announce that you will be studying in the locked bedroom during such and such time and that he is expected to be Daddy to the kiddo's during that time.

Maybe he will see what child care is all about without you there.

Debbi

Some of these women are too forgiving in my opinion. If I were you, I would simply tell him that your class is actually on 2 days (or 3) per week. Then disappear on that extra day that you made up so that he has to stay home with them. That way he will think it is an obligation that the school set in place and not you so he can't resent you, but the class schedule. When you disappear during that time, use it for study if you want, or if you are caught up, do something fun instead. May be the cowards way out, but that is the way I get my free time!

I have been there before, and it still comes around every now and then. My advice my sound crazy because you are already giving so much, but continue to give. Husbands are a lot like your little boys. I have 2 as well, soon to be 3 and soon to be 6. They intend to do what you discuss, but seem to forget shortly after. Just wait, you'll see soon as they get older. I have heard and seen that if a woman respects her husband he will in return show her love. The man needs respect and you need love. His "respect" is possibly that understanding of time with basketball, and your "love" is possibly your need for him to stay home and help the kids while you do school. I have learned that when it is something you are in need of, the other person is not going to change because you need them to. They will change when you are willing to sacrifice for them and love them anyway. I know this may sound really weird, but it works and it is true. I have been married for going on 8 years and when I find myself in a situation like you are in now, I put this into practice. I try and think of it everyday. In this way your husband will know that you respect who he is and appreciate him, and he will soon be willing to find a different time that is more convenient for everyone for his basketball. The change won't happen overnight, but it will happen. Good luck!

I feel for you. I have been there goin to school when my children were small. They seem to want to not do anything to help you. I suggest to you is that if things don't get better make a life for yourself. Hire a sitter when you get your degree and this might just wake him up if not. Tell so long and good ridance. Been there and done that. Don't let him get you down. It's not worth it. This is a way to control you.

What if you left first? Go to the library to work on your final.

Kiss him, tell him thanks so much for your support honey, dinner's on the stove - I'll be back as soon as my final / homework / whatever is done... I really appreciate you being willing to share the work while I do this to help us get ahead.

Marriage counseling seriously. It may be something you can deal with at this moment but in a few years it will wear you down. A marriage ESPECIALLY one with kids is ALL about compromise and give and take. If he takes from you but gives nothing in return after a while you will have nothing left to offer him and he will not understand since you never fought for it. My husband and I went to counseling and insurance pays for some of it and it still was a bit expensive but I really think it opened a door in my husbands head that all the complaining and crying I did never opened. Men sometimes do not understand the emotions and the women's verbage of explaining so a counselor was able to shed some light on the area and he understood. Good luck and maybe next time he plays and you have to study get a babysitter so you can shut yourself in your room and study then he might think twice the next time.

Ok. Make dinner & have it waiting when he gets home. Leave him instructions for bathing the kids, bedtime story, how to run the dishwasher, etc, & tell him that he left you no options, but to go to the library to study! Then pack your school stuff, a water, snack, whatever else you need & go to the library, Starbucks, or wherever you can get your studying done! Don't feel guilty about it. He obviously doesn't! If your class is over soon, do the same thing anyway, only just go window shopping or to the bookstore, a movie, the library, whatever a couple of times, just for fun, & see how HE likes it! :) I don't want to get you in trouble or instigate anything, but if he's not a violent guy, & is pretty easy going, maybe this might open his eyes!?? If he DOES start to "get it", maybe he will consider getting a babysitter once in awhile & you two could go out together! Then it's more fair & you both get a little break! Just an idea!

Hi M. believe me I understand your frustration, but you can't treat your husband as if he were a child by "putting your foot down" when you start demanding and threatening it just causes more stress for such a young and fragile marriage. Maybe you could ask him if he would consider not playing basketball on the nites that you have to go to class , and if that doesn't work would it be possible for you to get a baby-sitter for that night.You know a lot of times our husband don't know how to be the husbands they are called to be, but you ask God to show how to pray for your husband, and ask God to soften his heart so that he will be the husband and father God intended him to be

Sounds like you are a bit of a martyr. Who is working to pay for this degree? The term "put my foot down and tell my husband" doesn't sound like loving conversation between a husband and a wife. And it was obvious that the word "I" was used a whole lot. Is there a time limit for this degree or for those last six classes? You might need to work on being a stay at home WIFE to your husband.
Just my humble opinion. Good luck. Dr. Phil would ask "How's this working for you?"

That does sound very inconsiderate. It would upset me as well. This is what came to mind as I read it...he NEEDS to be there when you need him to be. Is it at all possible for you to let him know in advance what days you need him home to study, like is it possible for each week to be the same as to what nights you need him to be home so you can study? Also, can you schedule one night a week for him to be able to play basketball - have it be a set night each week? Maybe if he knows he gets to play basketball, he'll be more interested in being there when you need him. But basketball should ALWAYS come second to your school needs.

Also, do you guys go out on regular dates? If not, I would start scheduling that! For sure do one at least once a month, more often if possible. I think that'll help a lot. You need to be able to reconnect with each other and if you're not getting to do anything fun, hopefully that can be a night you look forward to!

Personally, I would work out a nap schedule with my children at home that would allow me to study during the day while my husband is out of the house doing his job. Being "dependent" on another isn't one of my strengths, and I find it works out better when I don't put pressure on someone else to fulfill needs such as the one you mentioned. It's important to understand that your husband needs this basketball time as well as understanding that you need your time... and you should take some weekly as well. I agree with the lady who said there should be no "putting your foot down". You're not his mother, nor would I think you want him to think of you as. Be respectful, supportive, and kind, and it will come back to you someday (and patient). Also, if you haven't prayed for advice from God, now would be a good time. His advice trumps all of this. Peace.

I feel for you. I can't offer any advice since I am in the middle of a divorce. Men can be so ...................you know, selfish? or whatever else you want to fill in the blank with. It doesn't sound like putting your foot down will do any good since he doesn't seem to respect you.
Sorry I couldn't offer more.

Questions:
Does he go play everynight? How many times a week?
What does he do on his day off?
If he does this everynight...it is time just to talk
to him that he is a father and husband and responsibilities
in that respect. You going back to school was for the better
future for the whole family. You only need him a couple
of nights to help you by taking care of the children while
you go to class and do homework. Also, it sounds like
you may need to make it 3 nights a week so you can get
out of the house to do extra homeword, studying.
It is not selfish of you to want 2 or 3 nights of hime
being the one incharge while you take care of education.
Also point out, you appreciate when he does it.
Put in, that you feel taken advantage of because he does
not think of you or his kids when he takes off. What if you
had something planned and he just took off with or without
knowing you had a romantic evening set for you both...
a sitter coming so you both can go out for a few hours.
He is a party to this family and talking to him as an
upset equal is better than putting foot down...putting
your foot down...like a child he is going to test it.
and that is not healthy.
Be honest, be open...even ask him why he does it...does
he remember he is a father/husband?

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