August 01, 2009,
E.S. asks from Aurora, IL on July 31, 2009
Inappropriate Friendship with Co-worker
My spouse had an inappropriate friendship with a co-worker and they still work together in an office of about 65 and work together on the same team. Of course I don't know all the details but supposedly "nothing happened" and I have to say I probably believe that but lines were crossed and a romantic relationship formed.
For those of you who have been through it... What advise can you give me. What should I expect from him and what should he expect from me. At what point do you stop looking at emails, phones etc. It is really akward because they were in the same office so they see eacher other daily. I go back and forth in thinking about a divorce. We have three kids. We have done counseling and I can't say we are getting anywhere we go forward and then backwards. He blames me for being a "cop".
D.K. answers from Chicago on July 31, 2009
I'm so sorry about all this. I am on the flipside. When we were first married, I got too close to someone and nearly blew my marriage! My dh was kind enough to see that I meant that nothing had happened and forgave me. That was 12 years ago and we have a strong marriage. His forgiveness has allowed me to be strong for him as he battles his pornography addiction, which I believe to be very destructive likewise.
My sincere advice is this, forgive him from the bottom of your heart. Be strong & kind, don't put him in the doghouse. Your family is stronger than some flirtations. Show him what he was missing when he was being so foolish. It sounds unreasonable, just love the father of your babies. Give him the chance to prove you're the woman for him, he will probably surprise you.
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K.Z. answers from Chicago on August 01, 2009
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It never feels good to think that your spouse has an interest in someone else- whether something happened or not. My question for you is can you trust him and move on? If the answer is yes, than you need to put it all behind you and not bring it up again (as hard as that may be). If you don't think you can get passed it then you need to find a better counselor or go to you pastor. There are may ways in which you can mend a broken marriage. Marriage is hard work- it is a lifetime commitment. I think too many people today are too quick to throw in the towel and divorce. I hope my advise is helpful. My husband and I went through many trials and tribulations during our marriage, but we have made it work, because we take our commitment seriously. We have done many marriage studies- Biblical and otherwise, and I think we get stronger each time. I would be willing to talk to you furhter, if you would like an outsider perspective. I hope all goes well for you. God bless!
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M.J. answers from Chicago on July 31, 2009
Great advice from Donna, my husband tends to get too close to other women too. I put my foot down and insist on family time. I haven't experienced a work thing though most of his relationships are with people from his past high school and college. Stop checking up on him, it makes it worse for you. I focus on our relationship and our family. If he cheats or has inappropriate relationships and I find out he is gone! so focus on the family, forgive him, try to mve on, insist on family time and stop checking up on him you will find out if he is doing something wrong, then you have every right to leave him then. Also can he or the other person be transfered or reassigned? have you confronted the other person or told their spouse?
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C.S. answers from Chicago on August 01, 2009
Please get the book "Love must be tough". If this isn't dealt with properly it can be a cancer in your marriage. This book may help you get a game plan and give you confidence in your decisions. I personally would not be satisfied until I saw geniune repentance, where he admits what he did was wrong and is committed to change. I would require accountability and make it very clear that you won't tolerate unfaithfulness of the heart (not just physical uunfaithfulness). Also 1800-afamily is the number for Focus on the Family, adn they will send you resources even if you can't aford them.
I have not beent hrough this, but saw a friend go through unfaithfulness. It wasn't dealt with fully and I believe it still affects there relationship 7 years later, even though the relationship was ended years ago.
L.C. answers from Chicago on August 01, 2009
I would have him send an email to the coworker telling her that he can only have a professional relationship with her because he values his wife and family too much to risk losing them. I would have him send it while you are there so you know he did it. And i would insist he gets tranfered to another team. If he wants his marriage to last, he will do it. And never let it happen again. Does he know you are thinking of divorce? Be firm and tell him what you expect or he will just take this all too lightly. How would he feel if you had the inappropraite realtionship??? I dont think he'd be too happy.
P.G. answers from Chicago on August 01, 2009
Sounds like you're the only one who does not want to believe this. tough with 3 kids ..... but don't you think that you deserve better. Talk to an attny maybe his little honey won't find him so appealing when he's paying on 3 kids. She's 28 I bet you're not. Let her have him. Do you want to live like this checking up on him all the time. Can you really ever trust him. Women that put themselves out for married men are pieces of sh@#&*! P.S. I read the others responses they talk as if it's ok for a man to cheat. And yes I MISS YOU means he cheated sorry. How would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot. There are men that will love you and your kids. Don't sit back and be made a fool of. Honestly ask yourself can I trust my husband!!!!!