I'm Wondering If This

I know you want everything to be just right for your daughter's special day but, she is an adult. Tell her you are here to help her if she asks you for it and the problem is you don't see her making good choices and you will not be bailing her out at the last minute running all over the place like a chicken with it's head cut off to save this event for her. She is an adult and can suffer the consicuences of her decisions. My mother just helped my little sister with her wedding this last July 28th and my little sister was very organized almost every detail was finished two months before the wedding. It's her wedding let her plan it her way if she wants to be lazy, then let the chips fall where they may. You have way too many other obligations for this to be your top priority.

Hi there -
I hope this helps give you a little piece of mind. We did not decide on our ceremony until a week before the wedding and then were still "hammering" out the small details at the rehersal like who goes when ect. I found the music people for the ceremony in that last week as well. Mind you, I planned EVERY detail and then some for my wedding and had most everything done 6 months in advance because I wanted things to be "just so". I had plan A,B,C for everything that could possibly happen. We did have the person who was performing the ceremony lined up way in advance, but when it came down to the ceremony itself, that was something that I wanted to let evolve and not "micro-manage" if that makes any sense. But, you don't want any friction to develop between you and your daughter. Things are going to get more stressful as the wedding gets closer and you both want to enjoy that time rather than be running ragged and cranky with one another. If you can find a way to ask your daughter about it and even say, I am not trying to be pushy but this is something that is concerning me that we haven't thought about and I want to help in any way I can type thing, hopefully your daughter will understand (and get to thinking about it). She may be feeling overwhelmed as well. My mom and I worked out our to do lists together so that we knew who was doing what and what needed to be done. It worked for us and made us realize that there was more done than we thought that last week, luckily. Good luck and just remember to enjoy the day. Ultimately you and your daughter are the only ones who know what did or didn't get "done", so sit back and enjoy it. Take care, TC

Maybe it is all just a little overwhelming and she NEEDS you to take charge...? Just ask if she has thought about all of those things and suggest making lists...anyone would appreciate that sort of help! I know I needed it when planning my wedding! Don't wait too long, April is CLOSE! If she doesn't want help she will let you know, just don't be too sensitive:)

Do you need a photographer? :) I may be able to help out with some resources??? (Im a wedding photographer, and I know a lot of great local business!!)

I think if she wants any of that stuff, she will figure it out, even if it means last minute. I would let her do it on her own unless she asks for help. You might offer to find a place to have the rehearsal dinner, which would act as a reminder that it needs to be done, give you something to do, and help her out a bit, too. If it comes to rehearsal day and she still hasn't figured things out, offer more help. I know it's just words, but hearing "Would you like me to...? (as opposed to "Don't forget that...") will help her stay relaxed and make her more willing to get some stuff done. Nagging/constant reminding will probably just irritate her and drive her away.
Good luck!

It sounds like you are feeling plenty of stress already. Take a breath, step back and let it go. Ulitmately, it will be fine. She and her fiance will have to work it out before the wedding and even if they wing it the day of, it will be fine. I wouldn't even concern myself if I were you. I guarantee she hasn't forgotten and I wouldn't add to any of her stress by saying anything. Your job really should be to show up with a smile on your face and enjoy the day only helping where they wish you to.

Hopefully she has booked a minister or JP by now. If she is not getting married in a church and using the minister of that church, then it can be difficult to book a minister or JP that she likes. I was looking 8 months before my wedding and our first choice was booked (granted it was in July and not April). Ususally the minister or JP will meet with the couple and lay out the ceremony with them. Then at the rehearsal, everyone gets a chance to practice. If she doesn't choose, the minister or JP will just do their standard ceremony. I didn't do this part until we were ready to print the programs. Music was easy, but writing the vows and choosing reading waas hard! You can hire a wedding planner just to do the day of. Lots of people do that to take the stress off. If you are in tghe Seattle area vendors and locations book quickly! Good Luck!

My brother got married December 29th and it was very last minute. They have 2 children, Christmas and a wedding. It ended up beautiful but was stressful to the end. I found my self between sister in law and wedding planner, so it took a great deal of diplomacy. If you want you can e-mail me ____@____.com and maybe some of the suggestions I made to them might help you.

Also if you visit www.andrewpankow.com, that is my son's website for wedding videography. My daughter is also a wedding singer if your daughter would like her to audition, which would move music selection to the forfront which goes hand in hand with candle lighting, entrances and exits.

Let me know. I love this stuff.

C.

Sorry if this comes through twice. It looked like I lost my first responce.

How old is your daughter? Is this the normal way she executes projects? Does she have a wedding planning book? In there it will tell her when to do what. It is set up so that your wedding will come off almost stress free. There is sooo much detail to cover, it needs to be done ASAP. I have been a wedding planner for years and this last summer, my son was married. I spent a whole year in the planning. If she just won't listen to you, maybe put a plan for yourself aside and if she is in a fix, put your plan into effect. Dresses take at least 4 to 6 weeks to order, if you don't have a venue yet, you will probably need to have it in your house, that is the very first thing to do as they get reserved a year in advance. The other decisions made are good. Music would be next. What to put where in the ceremony and get it down on a list for the musicians to practice or burn it to a CD. I don't know what all you have and don't. If you need me to send you a list of what needs to be done, give me your Eddress and I will send you one.

If this sounds a little insensitive, I am sorry. But, if your daughter is old enough to get married, isn't she old enough to take charge of her wedding details? Will she just wait for you to come in and rescue her at the last minute? If you start this now, at the beginning of her "official" adult life, how many times will she come to you to fix lifes' other detail orienated experiences, i.e. debt issues, house repairs and/or challenges with her future children? I would let her know you are stepping back and offering help only after she seeks it. Let her succeed or not as an adult.

I wouldn't worry too much. I think you have all of the time consuming, reservations, the assurance of professional services things done. To me, the things that are left to do, she already has somekind of idea what she wants. I think that will come together in the last two weeks or so. I did it in a week. She probably was more concerned about the getting it all lined up - like the foundation and the building materials for the house, THEN the decorations come into the picture-

Don't worry.

It sounds like you have done a great job helping her out.

Happy Wedding.

Don't forget your handkerchief.

Usually for the actual Ceremony she needs to talk to the Preist or whomever is performing the ceremony( my mind went blank for the real word). Usually when she decides who is going to marry her - they sit down and talk about what and how it's going to roll. And is she having a dj for the ceremony as well? Sometimes if you are having it at a church they have a sound system for all of the different music. But if you are having it all in one place (the wedding and the reception) - you can talk to the dj and ask to have them do the whole thing - usually for a discounted price. Then they don't have to move the equipment much - I used to run Karaoke at night and then dj at weddings - before my son was born. Anyway - where I am going with this is that some of these things should have or should be getting set. I don't think you are being pushy - you want to know that everything is set and ready to go so you can plan. But maybe she is feeling that you are and that's why she is getting flustared. You are mom - right. I would simply ask her - how are you doing with all of this? What are you thinking about? Maybe she is shutting down and shutting you out. You had mentioned that you are doing all of the leg work. Maybe she is feeling overwhelmed by everything that needs to be done. Or feeling kindof left out. Does she have any say on what her colors are, what kind of flowers, and/or what food? But you are right that she does kindof need to get a move on with actual Ceremony details. Maybe you can talk to her fiance' and see what he has to say. April is not that far away - especially in wedding time. Good luck. If you need any help on what to do or suggestions on the music side of it. Shoot me an e-mail.(reply). T.

Oh, Marie, breathe . . . I am a minister and conduct weddings that have been created and developed a year in advance and a week in advance. Any minister worth his or her salt will be able to swing with whatever your daughter decides when she decides. One thing I tell all of my potential brides and grooms: "No matter what your intentions at this moment, the day of the wedding it will all fall into inevitable chaos in the excitement and nervousness of the moment. It is to be expected. Relax and enjoy it. Forget putting on a show". So I tell you this also. Relax and know that even if she decides about the ceremony only weeks before any minister will be able to pull it together with you. If the minister cannot, find another one.

Blessings,

Toni Petrinovich PhD
www.sacredspaceswa.com
www.angelichuman.com

Yes, as told before, breath. My daughter got married this last July 7 (7-7-07) that was crazy but she didn't do any planning on the actual ceremony because most of the attendents were comming from out of town and she was affraid some might not make it.

It all went perfect and the actual plans were set the evening before with just a talk threw with everyone, no practice.

So please don't worry, all will be o.k. and be great. Just enjoy the day and your daughter!!!!!!!!

My daughter was married 4 years ago at age 22. We sat down together and made a list of what needed to be done. I told her I would help with the tasks she wanted me help with. I felt that this was her wedding and it wasn't my role to make sure it came off perfectly. From experience I knew that if I offer suggestions that she uses then I get the blame for anything that goes wrong.

If I were you I wouldn't even have a back up plan unless your daughter wants to make it with you. As so many people said, "it's her wedding."
It's the officially recognized beginning of adulthood." The wedding is her responsibility with you there to provide the assistance when she asks for it. Have a quiet talk with her telling her you're feeling anxious about unmade plans but that you realize the responsibility is hers. Tell her you're willing to help but only with specific requests. You're no longer going to be anxious about what is or isn't done. And then LET GO.

If you're paying for the wedding you may need to be involved when the cost of services is discussed. Or you can tell her how much you're able to pay and stay out of that part too.

You have your hands full with taking care of your grandkids. And those cats. If I were you I'd ask their owner to find a place for them. Taking care of pets takes time and money too.

I suspect that you need some help learning to be assertive. I have taken classes and read books that have helped me to state what I want and have the other person to agree with me. Not always to they honor my boundary and I have to repeat it. In the end it's worth it when you've been consistent. You've taught the other person how to treat you. And you stop feeling so guilty when you're not able to do what you think you should do in order to be a nice person. Nice people are also assertive. And they leave the responsibilities to the person who benefits from taking charge. You are not in charge of the wedding. That is an assumption. If you've agreed to be in charge then you remind yourself and your daughter that she needs to make the additional arrangement because she knows what she wants. The in charge person tells everyone else what to do. That is difficult when it's a mother/daughter relationship. You might want to tell your daughter that you're turning everything over to her;that she's in charge; not you. Then help in ways that she asks and you're able. The success or failure of the wedding depends on her. YOu don't need to have a back up plan for her.

I did order the flowers which her father picked up. She and I went together to a couple of hotels and she decided on where and what services to have. She went with her father to order the cake which she picked up. We did all of that in a couple of weeks.

She did purchase her dress 2-3 months ahead of time. It was a full length white dress with vale and the men in the part wore tuxes. Her finace made those arrangements after I chose the store and decided what I could afford. And then made other plans as she went along. Her finace' chose the minister. They decided how the service would be performed when they went to the site the day before the ceremony.

She chose the music from a CD the day before. She had no live musicians, not even a pianist.
The wedding was small with 25 guests not including parents and the Maid of Honor, Best Man or minister. She had her daughter be the flower girl. She was 3 and a cousin was the ring bearer. He was also a preschooler. My daughter arranged for her usual babysitter to watch the kids before, during and after the ceremony. The baby sitter also guided the kids to where they should stand.

Another convenience to use a hotel is that her finace' rented a room which we used for changing clothes and the babysitter used for watching the kids and then the bride and groom switched to a different room after the reception for their honeymoon. The reception was in the same room as the wedding and the hotel provided the appetizers and wine as well as doing all the decorating except for the flowers.

My daughter and I did this in 2-3 weeks by walking thru the process together and doing something everyday. I did accept main responsibility for follow thru after she made the decisions. I went with her when she chose things so that I would know how to follow thru.

Unless you're have a large formal wedding You don't need to be anxious about how it'll turn out. You can always rent a meeting room at a hotel and if they have a restaurant the can provide food. A minister may be more difficult to find. But one judge or another can usually work your time into his schedule. If you haven't made arrangements early enough you may have to go to several judges offices.

I just reread your message. All you have left to do is planning the ceremony and all that entails which includes who walks down the aisle, the unity candle, music, and vows. Your daughter has plenty of time to do these. Once you have a venue(s) and a minister/judge everything else will fall into place.

I'd recommend having the reception in the same location as the ceremony. If they don't get their vows written there are the traditional vows that anyone who marries couples will know. If they use a church the church will have musicians who can provide either what your daughter and finace' have decided but if they haven't decided on anyone the church musicians will also have a list to chose from.

I wonder about "who walks down the aisle." I'm thinking that your daughter and fiance'have their attendants chosen if you've arranged for dress and tuxes. But if she doesn't have attendants picked and is wanting several she is behind in that area. She'll have to find ones who are available on her date and willing to be involved.

Good Luck, Marie My final word is you are not responsible for how this wedding turns out if you tell your daughter that you'll help only when asked and then only if you can do it considering your other responsibilities.
LET GO AND RELAX

this is ok she will make up her mind also sometimes the just so u know here are some ideas approach is a good way to give iders not this is the way i think u should do this approach

Hi there...both my sons got married within four months of each other.(One in May, other in August, and their best friend in July!) My oldest son's fiance was freaking out about everything and was so worried about everything. My youngest son's fiance was more laid back and her mom was really worried. As I told both girls, it's your wedding...the couple should do what they feel is right for them. It is an important day, but it is just a few hours in one day. It may be that it is more important to you than to her (the details). You might want to step back and tell her that she is in charge, and what she doesn't decide on or get done, won't get done. If she's oldest enough to get married, she's old enough to know that no action also has consequences. But it will all work out. If you are too stressed, you won't enjoy it either.

As frustrating as it may be, it's your daughter's wedding, so she needs to make those decisions...or not. If they're not made, her wedding will be chaotic, but that's her responsibility not your. I think you should sit her down and calmly explain that you see this, this, and this, has yet to be done, and since it's her wedding, you believe it's her job to make sure they happen. Then sit back, grit your teeth if necessary, and let the chips fall as they may. If it's chaos on the day of the wedding, so be it. Good luck.