In the Wedding and Tight on Cash...

I would send my regrets and tell the MOH you can help (if you can) with x or y, but due to travel costs, you will be unable to participate in person/in any other capacity. If you have a far flung wedding party, you have to expect that they won't all be able to do everything and if the bride cannot understand that, then she needs to elope.

Someone said (and a few mamas gave her flowers) that you should be on the phone with brother right now. I get that you first want to try it out with us first.

Isn't that what we do here on this site?

Wow-you ladies are not nice sometimes.

I think you should skip the bachelorette party and explain to them nicely why you can't make it. There was just an article in the Mpls Star Tribune within the last several days about bachelorette destination parties. The article specifically said that it's o.k. to skip them if you can't afford it. I think the article even gave examples of how you could handle it or what you could say to the bride. I bet you could find the article on the Star Tribune's website.

My SIL was in the same boat for my wedding, and she just came out and told me she could not afford the shower and the wedding since she would have to travel as it was in my home town.

Of course I understood and told her that I would much rather have her at the wedding than the shower. Just be honest with them. If they cannot understand that is on them.

I think you need to have a conversation with your brother and his fiance and explain your situation.

Yes, you should offer some $$ towards the cost of a bridal shower. It's part of your responsibility. However, that does not mean that you need to fly there for the event. And yes you could offer to mail out the invitations, you could even do some research and make some phone calls.

Instead of being honest with us, you should be on the phone telling your brother what's going on and why you won't be able to make the bachelorette party. No need to feel bad....it is what it is....you have no resources right now. You didn't plan it, you're in the wedding party, you are doing what you can and technically what you can't. I'm sure he will understand, once you put it in perspective.

I would have a straight-foward talk with the maid of honor. She probably won't be surprised to hear that you are already going broke just trying to make it there for the wedding, much less a bachelorette party on top of it.

Sounds like having the bachelorette party at the actual destination might be a good option for all involved. Might have to be scaled down a little bit, but that can only be expected when you plan a destination wedding.

If they are good people, they should be happy you are able to make it at all. I wouldn't sweat it.

Just explain to the MOH what your situation is - she will understand! With your husband out of work, nobody expects you to shell out all kinds of money for someone else's wedding, not to mention that traveling all that way is not practical for an event (bachelorette party, wedding shower, etc) that will only last a few hours. Being that you are not local, nobody will think twice about it. I wasn't able to go to my college roommate's bachelorette party (she lives in NYC, I live on the west coast) even though I was a bridesmaid; everyone understood why I could only be there for the wedding, and not all the other events. It was no big deal.

No, not rude at all. I would just be frank with him, his fiancee, and others involved by saying "I'm spending $1K to fly my family to the wedding so we simply can't afford another trip. It's that I wouldn't love to come and be there to share this experience, but I just can't swing it".

I would certainly send a shower and bachelorette party gift though.

Traditionally the shower/stagette are the MOH responsibility. Destination weddings are asking ALOT from the wedding party. You are not the first or last person to feel this financial pressure. I would skip the shower and have a blast at the wedding to show how much you care. They will understand.

Tell them that you love them and support them but are unable to come to the party etc. I would be honest with your brother and let them know whats going on and why you can't come. Be there for the wedding if you can make it work,but forget the extras.

The reality is that you have a tight budget at this point in your life. Don't blow the wad on all the festivities.

The wedding is the most important part to attend. Scrimp and save for that and pass on the bachelorette stuff. Send a bottle of champagne or sexy nighty and your wishes for a great time for all. And don't feel bad for not participating in everything, especially when you live in a another town.

In our big family, where many of us live in other states, we traditionally have the bachelorette parties the same weekend as the wedding so all can enjoy it together. Otherwise, it's a skeleton crowd from the the family :(

No, I don't think it would be rude. Weddings are expensive for everyone involved, not just the person having it! ;) I think it's nice and I actually don't think it's rude at all for them to be asking you to participate, but I think a simple conversation will prevent any confusion or hurt feelings.

I would talk to your brother first and then I would speak directly with your soon to be SIL and let her know that although you'd love to be able to attend all the showers, etc. you can't afford that plus flying your family to the wedding. The reason I say to talk to her directly is that men aren't always the best communicators. You can talk to him and he may never tell her what the deal is, or he may deliver the message in a way that seems doesn't provide the details you wanted to convey. I sometimes just think it's safer to get the message through yourself, if you know what I mean! :)

When it is time for the showers and stuff I would send a card and a small monetary gift (or gift card) or small gift from their registry just as a symbol that you're thinking about her and can't make it.

I am in my bffs wedding in april. As well as my daughter the flower girl and my son the ring barrer. So thats the cost of three diff outfits as well as hair and shoes and bach and shower and on and on.

The brides maid was planning this elaborite party with pin up style photos with a professional, hitting the Austin Texas 6th street bars. It was outta controll and I finally told her I am broke and dont have alot of money but just tell me what I need to pay and we can get it together some how.

Recently her car went out and is setting her back...which is calming the grand bash down to a simple party. which is great as this is what we can all afford.

One bridesmaid wont be able to fly in till the actual weekend. She bought her dress where she is out of state. We have plans to skype with her as she cannot afford to come to the other parties! We dont really know her either its just everyone doing what we can. I would tell your brother your able to afford to go to the wedding but truly you cannot afford the other things. Understand they might ask you to back out. Tell them you would still love to be in the wedding if they would like you to but you understand if they need someone who can do all the other things as well.

Talk to the bride (if it's not a surprise shower) and the MOH. Explain that while you would love to be there and physically participate, you can't. Offer to help in anyway you can...planning, arranging details, sending invitations, collecting RSVPs, organizing others that are close by to help out.

Just be honest likd sweetchaos said. Being downsized is no fun and they need to be understaning about it.

I don't think it would be rude to forego the shower or bachelorette parties. You could always send affordable gifts in your place.

However, with your husband out of work I would contact your brother and strongly consider backing out of being in the wedding ASAP. If you don't feel right about that, then consider leaving your children and husband at home and rebooking your travel and lodging plans. Your family needs the money much more than you need to be in your brother's wedding and more than your brother needs you in the wedding.

Your brother will be able to get married no matter what. Your family needs to be able to rely on that $1200+ to survive. Your brother will understand.

just be honest with your brother and tell him you cant afford it-ive never understood how ppl can do this-yea great its their wedding day-if you really want folks there-be in a neautral zone-friend of mine got married in italy-wanted me to be her maid of honor-REALLY?..they didnt want to pay for my round trip ticket which was pretty spendy or my lodging expenses-i dont have that kind of cash-she just couldnt understand or believe it..never heard from her again..pretty damn selfish if you ask me..!
DO NOT GO INTO DEBT FOR SOMEONE ELSES SPECIAL DAY!!..jmo
if you cant afford it-dont do it-your familys needs come first and foremost.

If it's not a local wedding for *most* people, can you do the events the days leading up to the wedding? My older sister lives in SC and got married there. Three bridesmaids came from MD, where the rest of the family lives, and one came from Boston. We had the bachlorette dinner on Thursday night, the shower on Friday, and she got married on Saturday. So it wasn't two trips for everyone.

My younger sister is getting married in May. Our older sister and I are both matron of honors, and we are doing both events in one day so that those traveling from out of town (older sister, aunt) can be here for both, but only come one time. Maybe that's an option you can put to them?

Also, if you simply can't afford it, I'd let them know you are really sorry but the situation is what it is. Don't feel bad.

Be there for the wedding if you can. All the other stuff is extras, they should understand if they love you just as much as you love them. When I got married, none of my maids could afford anything so I paid for the dresses and didn't expect a whole lot, just that they help me and give me their time rather than money.

When my ex-bf got married, the economy just crashed, one of us was losing her home and then my ex-bf demanded she get the wedding she's always dreamed of and that we were selfish for not spending the money. There's a reason why she's called the ex-bf.

Family and friends should understand that you try your best. Offer to do other things but if they value the money more, then it's going to be a long future of them asking for more than you can handle and they won't care if it tears you apart. Not worth it. Be happy.

how about J. flying down and not contributing? i'm sure if you told them you would love to be there but cant affodr to conrtibute theyd be happy J. to see you?

NOW is the time to talk to your brother. The longer you wait, the worse it will be. Be straight - you very much want to be there, and you're sad that your circumstances have changed, but you simply can't afford it due to the downsizing.

If you'd be able to pull off 1 person attending, perhaps you could go to the wedding while your kids and husband stay home.

WOW! I think it is extremely rude of your brother to expect so much from you!!! I would explain the situation to him; he might understand a little better than to talk to the bride. That is absolutely insane to expect you (and your children) to not only be in the wedding but to have to spend so much on everything to make it happen.

If this were me, I'd be sending a nice gift with a card. I would never go above and beyond what I could spend just for someone's wedding or any other event; I don't care who they are. They are being very selfish!!

Good luck!!

I would contribute in some way shape or form. Maybe offer to send out the invitations and take the RSVPs. Tell them that you can not afford to be there for the shower or bachelorett party. They should understand.

Umm. I never heard of all members of the wedding party paying for the bachlerette party and wedding shower. They should understand financial stuff being a burden now with your husband not working.

Be open and honest, if you can't afford it that's it. Your brother might be able to help you out. If not, just offer to help in ways that you can.

Here's what I'd do: forget the bachelorette party (a casualty if everyone scattered around), offer to get & mail the invitations and offer ABC amount of money towards the shower, even though you can't attend. Send a gift to the shower. With your sister if she's going. Otherwise mail it ahead of time.
Sounds like the wedding is in your brothers current town?

Updated

Here's what I'd do: forget the bachelorette party (a casualty if everyone scattered around), offer to get & mail the invitations and offer ABC amount of money towards the shower, even though you can't attend. Send a gift to the shower. With your sister if she's going. Otherwise mail it ahead of time.
Sounds like the wedding is in your brothers current town?
Just be honest with the MOH.
All you can do really IS all you can do!