In Need of Advice for My Fourteen Year Old Son Who Is Not Doing Well in School

A. my son is now 28 and did the exact same thing at the exact same age first off you must take him to the doctors and make sure he has no underlying illnesses even something as dumb as an allergy can trigger some crazy stuff and second sit quietly with yourself and try to figure in the past six months when this behavior started because unfortunately it doesnt just come out of nowhere go over all of his friends new and old and hard to believe at this age any girlfriends he may be having problems with boys at school and this behavior may be a way for him to fit in because of confidentiality the school will not tell you any of this now the first thing the school will say is to medicate and i did the same thing noway now that he is 28 i sometimes wish i had but the school has programs for him to get into for his education use them take advantage of them and if they fight you on it scream lawyer it is his right to an education tutor or anything else go right to the superindendents office. please dont let him hang out unsupervised,on the computer and even in his room once i took the phone t.v. etc out of his room he had to come into the family i broke my back to make sure they had all of the luxuries and kept up with the jones it is the worst thing you can do my doctor told me this age is the worst time to give them privacy and being the mother of five ages 6 to 28 yes i still have a six year old next is 19,20,24,and 28 what they do right there with you sitting next to them on the same couch is preety scary kids are different now a days they dont have to sneek a joint out of there bedroom window they just go in and pop a handful of tylenol and get high between t.v. and school informing them of what not to do so they do it this is what we deal with please keeep my email address and name if you need any help at all contact me i know what you are going thru good luck L.

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A. S, I do not have a child the same age as yours...but I was fourteen not to long ago. This is what my parents did to my siblings and I, and I coldheartedly believe it could work for you. This is what you do...instead of taking one or two objects from him take any and everything that has enjoyment, for example any electronics, talking on the phone to buddies, and goin out. And during the duration (depending on what you feel should be the duration, 1 week was what was dished out to us) its nothing but study, chores and reading. Everyday after school have study time. This is time to make sure all homework is done. Then have him take in part of some daily chores. Which would include household or outside the house thats totally up to you. Your a stay at home mom so find something around the house that he can do to help YOU out. Once the daily chores are done there is nothing allowed but school studies or reading a book. I could remember telling my Dad that, "I dont have homework and I dont want to read a book.". So inturn he would tell me to sit in my room and do nothing. So after a week or so of not being allowed to DO nothing, I felt like I better DO what I am suppose to do to keep myself from getting put back into this situation. I feel this may work because there is no fighting, it is what it is. But make sure he understands completely why he is in this situation. I think that a common mistake that parents can make is only taking one fun thing away, so the child can just move-on and find something else fun to do. But if there isnt anything fun to do at all, then there is plenty of time to think about doing the right thing. But we must remember that all kids are hardheaded and there going to find one way or another to get in trouble. Heck there human too. lol. i hope that this helps you out. And if you decided to do it then write me back and let me know how it went. GOOD LUCK. -S.

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i dont know why a principle is asking you to medicate your child! is your principle a doctor to? medication is not something to fool around with, there are alot of good medication out there, but you have to monitor it yourself along with your doctor. i would first ask myself some basic questions; does he have a learning disavantage? has friends changed? has there been any life changing events? if you answer no to the above question's maybe he is trying to figure himself out, and doesnt find school challanging enough. my oldest is diagnosed with ADD, she is extreemly smart, but hates to sit and be taught. she hates to read, so i had to adjust my own thinking, and try other routes. first i went to the school and had her tested, through testing they found that she was eligable for an IEP (which is an individual education program) we were able to modify her learning experiance. we used this from 6th grade till 9th grade. every school has this program, check into it. sometimes the child is just overwhelmed with the changes of school situations, and social atmosphere. but remember it is not the end of the world.

I have a son that has ADHD and I take him to a behavior concalor and he also goes to karate and between the both I hve seen such a big improvement he is not getting great grades and is not as hipper as he was I hope that helps you. L.

Are you sure that there is not something that could be causing the problem? I mean does he seem depressed or is the class he is in too easy and causing it to be boring. Maybe he is more advanced than where he currently is.

You need to determine whether it is laziness or something more deep. There could be things in the future you could mention (like driving or going out with friends who drive). Of course, that means you would be driving everywhere unless you state that you would not (other than to school).

Does he play sports? If so, maybe he should be allowed to until his grades come up. If he is not playing in sports or involved in after school activities, maybe he needs to so he feels more a part of the school.

Basically, it is really hard to give advice if the root of the problem is not known.

HI A.,
i have a 17yo son who i did choose to medicate. he did have more involved issues in school and has had several diagnoses including aspergers syndrome. I learned the hard way to be extremely careful about meds. He took risperdal which gave him type 1 diabetes. He may not die from his behavioral issues, but most likely his life has been shortened and the quality of it by diabetes. SO BE CAREFUL.

Having said that, I also know there are meds that do help and do not cause problems if prescribed and given under a watchful eye. if he has problems with attention, or organization, etc., sometimes a small dose of aderall or ritalin may just shake things up enough. certainly if you find yourself in a position of giving him more and more and different kinds of meds, you should stop and regroup.

Hope my experience helps you and good luck.

I believe that where there are consequences, there should be rewards. You're son might respond to doing what he's supposed to, if he has something to work for. Once he is successful and is rewarded he will probably keep working for his rewards. A reward could be renting a videogame over the weekend, the movies, etc. As he earns more rewards you could make it harder for him to earn them. I know people don't believe in rewarding kids for doing what thye're supposed to do, but sometimes our hands are tied. Good Luck!

Hi A.,
I noticed your posting and can I relate to that. Although my son is only six he does the same thing with the idea of punishment. Also my neighbors son is having the same problem. For me I finally took everything out of his room all he had was his mattress and the bedding for it for three days. he had to stay in his room also for those three days. I went out and bought work books he had to complet in a time limit and if he didn't complete the worksheet in the amout of time i gave him I added more. this sounds so harsh and it was very difficult for me to do this to him but in the long end it worked. He didn't mind it for the first two day and by the third day he was so upset and wanted to get out. My nieghbor did the same thing and her son is now doing his full potentional in school work. Its just a suggestion. Also as my mom tells me Its the Age. I think that age is a difficult age to go through.So many things are happen at that age and for me it sucked being 14. Good luck and I hope I was some what of a help.

I suggest asking the school for a Behavioral Assessment. Explain that you will not be medicating your son and that you need to find the root of the problem.
If you need more help with the legal obligations of the school contact the Parent Information Center at http://www.parentinformationcenter.org/
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A.,
My son is a little younger than yours, but I have the same problem. Something that I would recommend is to have him accademically tested. What was found out with my son (who administrators thought was stupid) was that my son was borderline genuis but has a processing problem. Mentally he is a genius, but in writing he is behind grade level because he can't convert what he knows mentally/verbally to the written very well. He learns everything very quickly, gets bored (distracted), then gets frustrated that he can't write it so he acts up. I did the same thing with rewards, taking away things, etc. it did not matter to him because those things made no change in his frustration level at school work. My school suggested medicating my son, too. I said no because why would I medicate a child just because he was too smart and got frustrated. Instead, they modified his work to accomodate his learning disability. My son is nowing passing school (which they had been failing him before because he was stupid and couldn't learn). He has settled down tremendously and now works just as hard as the other students because he now does his work the right way with a few simple modifications. I am not sure if any of this helps you, but it sounded so much like my son I had to write. By the way, this testing is federally mandated as the no child left behind act- so the school system has to give him the testing if you force it and it is free to you. It falls under the Title 20 program. I hope this helps, C. G.

You have some really great advice here....I wish I could help my little guy is only 4 and I have an 11 year old girl, have not had these same issues yet. I responded because I cannot beleive your principle suggested medication!!! It just drives me nuts with people who think the magic word it MEDICATION!! You seem to be doing the right thing by taking stuff away, one thing I do with my little one he is challenging :) love him!! I actually throw things away, if he does not listen I take something not just take it away I throw it away! Maybe you have to take things away on a permanent basis! Good luck!

Hi A.,
Have they evaluated your son yet? He could have a bunch of different reasons why he is doing poorly. If he has not been tested I would hold off on any suggestions of medications, and medication suggestion should come from his doctor and not school.
My 13 year old is having problems in school but they are meeting his needs. Medication came second to the school making an effort to meet his needs and all testing being completed. He is a 100% different student today and how he feels about himself has changed just as much. Good luck!
K.

Hi A.,

First of all, a doctor needs to become involved. A principle isn't one who should advocate medicating students, that is for a doctor and parent to decide together.

It is a very sensative situation. 14 is a tough age anyway! w/o adding the pressures of doctors and stuff. Just a tip, it's very important for your son to feel as though you are on his side, not his enemy. He's more likely to work with you and not against you if he feels as though you are a team. Good luck, this could be tough but you'll both be fine, and maybe look back one day and laugh!

K.

Has he always been like this in school? If not, maybe counseling? There could be other things going on that he feels he can't talk to you about. They would also be able to diagnos (if applicable)any needs that he may have (Ie; ADD, ADHD, etc.) With that info, you could bring it to the school and have him tested at the school to see if he needs and IEP or even more challenging work? Perhaps he couldget a mentor, or be a mentor (if he needs something more challenging) to help him stay on track or focused. Have you tried rewarding positive behaviors?
There are other things too, such as night school, attending an alternative school, earning a GED instead. There is also JOB CORPS~ they house you, help you receive your GED and train you in a trade (Ie; electrical, plumbing, etc). (I'm not sure what the standards are to be applicable. I only know about it because I work with teenage boys in shelter care~they are there because they got themselves into trouble with the law some how.) Good Luck!

could it be that he is not doing well because he is board with what the teachers are giving him? My daughter was like that in elementary school and we had to give her more and harder work. He may also not be getting a lot of praise for the work he is doing from the teachers...I can not beleive that a principal would tell you to medicate him.....what happened to stimulating the kids and giving them praise for the work they do....good luck

My oldest had issues of poor grades, and bad behavior in school when he was younger. I did several things. Yes, I had him tested for adhd, he showed positive. He also has hypoglocymia, a sugar imbalance common among adhd children. I chose not to medicate. I changed his diet to less sugar, and pastas, and a better balance between meats and vegitables. I tought him how to notice his mood swings, and body changes. (usually he acted out when his sugars dropped). He kept crackers with peanut butter at the nurses office so he could get snacks if needed and I also gave him more activities after school that kept him physically active and not in front of the tv. It took a few years, but you'd never know now at 17 that he was that same tween who drove everyone crazy. oh, he also became accountable for his behavior, yes i took things away, vidio games etc... and his teachers doled out detentions. Good Luck.