In Laws in Pre-divorce

My advice stay neutral. Be kind to both parties. But don't take sides. You don't have to meet your sisters boyfriend,but also I wouldn't help the husband find a girlfriend either. They are both adults and are responsible for their own problems and for taking care of this sort of thing themselves. It would be unfair for either of them to expect otherwise. Be a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on if you can and that's it. This will save you alot of drama in the long run.My concern would be for the teenage son. Talk to him about how he feels about this. Let him know that you are there for him no matter what. Perhaps take him out to lunch or plan a day of some activity he likes to get his mind off of everything. Kids are always the ones who suffer the most when the adults in their lives are going through problems.
H. T.

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Tell your brother-in-law that you support him and agree with him but you must maintain the appearance of fareness for the sake of you sister. You can eventualy decide that you want to meet her anyway and talk to your sister about it, but, she obviously does not have a grasp of right, fair, ect. at this point and would, most likely, be mad at you. If you brother-in-law dates one of your friends that does not need to be something that involves you.

You may find later that your sister gets upset with you no matter how this plays out.

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Sounds to me like you sister wants to have her cake and eat it too. This is not ok. She cannot keep her husband on hold while she lives with her boyfriend. If he wants to move on, I see no problem with this. Even if she does come back, I would not take her back. Your sister probably will be mad because hes moving on, its sounds like she wants to keep him in the back ground on hold in case this relationship doesnt work out. I dont mean to dis on your sister, but I had a best friend who would do the exact same thing. It doesnt change. She was married to one guy and when they started having problems she went out and got another one on the side and left her husband, but didnt get divorced in case this one didnt work out. Her husband was so inlove with her he just hung on the side waiting for her. Only problem was she finally decided to divorce him and then repaeated the same thing with her boy toy. Married him and then moved on to someone else, and then decided to divorce the other one. She alwasy has one waiting in the background in case one of the relationhips dont work out. I see no problem with letting your husband set him up. Yea your sister will be mad, but she made her bed and now she needs to lie in it.

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Your sister sounds like she has control issues and maybe a drug problem. Your brother-in-law can get a divorce without her consent. It just takes longer. At least the process would be underway and he could get legal custody of their child. As for you...well, I would definately not go out on a double date with him or your sister. Your general friendship with you BIL is enough and you can see your nephew. Tell him that it's not personal you just don't want to be anymore in the middle. Good luck with this and go with your gut.

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Just my opinion, but it seems like you already know what you feel comfortable with. It sounds like, as much as you love your sister, she's deeply offended you in her disregard for both her son and her marriage. It may be easier to deflect that onto her (rather questionable) boyfriend and refuse to see him than to let her know how disappointed you are. It sounds, too, like she really needs to talk to someone, who could listen without judging her. It's hard to imagine a person that feels good about themselves would allow themselves to be taken advantage of in this way. She may have felt very scorned when your brother-in-law moved out, and made some bad, but complicated choices, in the wake of feeling rejected.

In regard to your brother-in-law, he certainly has the right to choose to date someone your know. You don't have to be the person who connects them. However, for you nephew's sake, on whom I am sure this has been extremely painful, kindly suggest that your brother-in-law use a bit of discretion. Having your parents involved in an acrimonious separation is very hard, and he's at an age when he's less likely to share how hurt he is. He's the one that needs your support most of all.

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Personally, I would support the brother-in-law by meeting any dates that he brings on his own and support your sister by not setting him up with your friend. Besides - do you REALLY want to get a friend wrapped up in all this too? What would you do if they hit it off? THEN you're stuck between trying to support your sister, brother-in-law, husband AND friend.

You can tell her brother-in-law that you are happy that he has found the strength to move on with his life, but that in the end, his soon to be ex is your family and you would prefer not to be an instigator in setting him up. If he's a good person, than he has to to understand the position that you are put in.

Good luck.

A.

HI T.,
Wow, it sounds like a lot is going on. I wonder if your sister is okay mentally. I am not sure how she was before this all has gone on, but I would ask yourself if this is normal kind of behavior for her or not. Then I would evalute and see what might be going on. Is she possible doing drugs, or has she had something gone on in the past that might be leading to her behavoir?
I feel for your brother in law as it is not fun, but I would really recommend that he gets counciling as well as get the divorce final before moving on. I would not want to be a woman going out with a man who is still married, though should be divorced. That is hard on anyone. I hope things get better. Take care

That is tough!! With the divorce thing, I would recommend the brother in law get a lawyer, you don't both have to agree with getting a divorce to get one. He can do it on his own and your sister doesn't have a choice. It is hard to draw that line with sister and friend... I don't even know what to recommend. Good luck, L.

Listen but don't give advice, no matter what you say the other person is bound to be upset. You are in a no win situation. The only one who is truly blameless is their son. I would try to be with him as much as possible. E.

Hi T.,

I think Holly is right on the money!

I hope everything works out for everyone involved, particularly the child involved. Poor kid.

K. W

It seems pretty straight forward to me. They are still married until they are divorced. They are not "acting" married but they are. People with integrity don't "date" outside of the marriage. Once you are divorced you are free to date.(they are making a mockery of marriage, don't help them do this) Brother-in-law needs to file papers and get it taken care of before you hand out any phone numbers of friends to him. Once he is no longer married to your sister and she has no hold on you through him then why would she be mad?(she doesn't want him or her son anyway...)
I guess my point is even though they are not doing the right thing you still can. People sometimes get mad when you do the right thing but that does not change the fact that it was right.
Learn from their mistakes...best wishes.

I agree with a lot of the other moms. Let the adults handle their own problems and be supportive to the one who really needs it, your teenage nephew. I also agree that dating while married is totally disrespectful and I wouldn't support it, for either side. They are family but that doesn't mean you have to condone their behavior. Trust your instincts and focus on your nephew at this point. You are in my prayers.

T.,
You and I have similar things in common. My sister was married to my husband's best friend. She cheated on him while they were married and proceded to make him out to be the bad guy. After they finally divorced, she left him in shambles. Since my husband and he are best friends, we did a lot of the 3's going out and spending time together. I think this made my sister jealous too. It was always the 3 of us everywhere. My sister has always made me feel guilty and like I was wrong for keeping in contact with her EX even though he is my husband's BF. She would also procede to tell me that I was picking sides and not being loyal to her. Well, 14yrs and her two other marriages and her many boyfriends later I don't speak with her. She and I used to be close and now I don't care if she drops off the face of this earth. She doesn't even ask to see my little boys. She used to spend every other weekend with them. Now she has her new husband do her dirty work, I mean gift dropoff. He is so sweet and my husband really likes him. She doesn't deserve him. He is also 10yrs younger than her.
In your situation I would feel uncomfortable about having your BIL bring a date. It would make me feel like I was betraying my sister. I completely see the situation as your sister being ULTRA SELFISH, wanting her cake and eating it too. Perhaps you could ask your BIL to wait until he has filed the papers for a D or even a formal seperation before you all go out. That way you will feel good about meeting his friend.
As far as your sister, I just can't go there. She sounds exactly like my sister.
Since your hubby and BIL are BF talk to your BIL about how you feel. I know he will understand. In the long run everybody will win except for your sister. Sorry to say.
I wish you well and hope you don't have to go through the mean spirited nonsense my sister put me through over the last 14yrs.

This might be useless advice, but you might give your sister the book "The proper care and feeding of husbands" and ask her to read it to see if she wants to make another "go" at her marriage... The book transformed my marriage from one of much bickering to one of much bliss.

If you are uncomfortable with your b-i-l bringing a date while he is still married, you and your hubby might insist to him that he's not a third wheel (and even that it would make you uncomfortable for him to bring a date while he's still married), or just let him and your hubby go out alone, or bring along his kid as well, so there's an even number. Just some ideas - good luck!

T....

Only you know the relationship with your sister...but having said that...do you see anything hipocritical in the fact that your asking about your bro-in-law going out on dates with you and your hubby but saying you refuse to meet your sis' new man because you "have no respect for someone who dates a married person"...wouldn't your bro-in-law be considered a married person too??? Come on now...
I personally think that you should be able to stay friends with him if you want, and you will be putting yourself in the middle especially if he goes out with one of your friends, has your sister said she has a problem with him dating? I would just talk to her and if it is o.k. for her to move on, it should be o.k. for him as well. I suggest that you try to cut your sister the same amount of slack that you are giving him and remember that really it is their business,not yours. I am sure that your sister is aware of your friendship and if she hasnt expressed an issue with it, then dont worry about it! I didn't mean for that to sound so harsh, just my opinion, life is too short to make problems where there might not be any....

K.

Your sister is an adult. Did she have concern for hurting your feelings (or other family feelings) when she left your BIL? Did she worry about breaking up your husband's friendship with BIL? It does not sound like it. That said, it is not good to continue making a bad situation worse - I am not encouraging you to fan the flames. Just realize that she has made decisions which she is entitled to do, and she has to learn that she gets the consequences of those decisions as well - be they good or bad.

I would not go passing out my friends' numbers to my ex-BIL or going on double dates (and I heartily encourage him to go through with a divorce before he starts dating). However, if he ran into someone he was interested in while at my house for say a group BBQ...well, more power to him.