In Laws Disrespecting You and Your Child by a Previous Relationship

Somehow, I suspect you are Drama. "they are nice to my child but it's just fake." No matter what happens, you feel "less than". That's a problem they can't solve.

Counseling might help you and your child because you are passing this on to your child by being offended at everything. Find a way to be happy.
If that includes increasing boundaries and spending less time with your inlaws, then do it. You can't change people. You can only change yourself.

I completely disagree with them treating the children differently. I personally would never do such a thing.

HOWEVER, You are making too much of a big deal over this.

It doesn't matter what names they are called by whom. If you simply told your child, "They want you to call them (whatever), so just call them that" your child probably wouldn't think anything of it. But the fact that you make this such a big issue is the thing that is going to hurt your child, ultimately.

You need to lighten up, or you are going to cause a lot of problems. Not everyone in the world is going to do things the way you (or your children) want them to. It's good to teach your child to be easygoing about these things.

it sucks, but i don't really know what you're asking. i would absolutely stand my ground on all the kids calling them the same name. trying to cut your older child from the herd is really, really mean-spirited, and no way would i stand for it.
the rest is just......meh. the savings account is no skin off your nose. the fake-nice is aggravating, but better than outright rudeness. the wedding is over, and they can't erase whatever it was they said about you in the past. you can't, nor should you, force them to apologize.
since your husband is with you on this (yay!) i'd just keep the contact very limited, but not start more drama.
you need to find ways of letting go of the toxic anger and resentment, which is perfectly understandable but damaging YOU far more than it is bothering them. you already stay away as much as possible, but i don't think you actually are 'over it' yet. i hope you get there soon.
khairete
S.

I wonder if some of your answers would be different here if they had read your SWH first.

Your inlaws are the biggest losers in this. Your husband feels differently about his parents because they are racists. They don't see their grandchild as much as they would because of their racist views about his sister. Your son won't be as close to them as he might have become BECAUSE they continue to foster this us versus you demeanor, and they take it out on your daughter. They refuse to apologize even though they have treated all of you badly because your child is of a race that they didn't want to have in the family. They now pretend that they are treating you well. They aren't. They rub into your face that they are supporting their son's child, but not yours BECAUSE OF HER RACE. For those who think it's just because she's not their biological granddaughter, they made it perfectly clear to EVERYONE that they didn't want a bi-racial child in the family. They still don't, so they ostracize her by demanding that she not call them the same name as her sibling. THAT IS WRONG.

The college fund is a different thing. I am not defending it. I am saying that there are plenty of people who don't do this for kids who are not actually kin to them. It IS rude and cruel of them to continue to write in the card your daughter sees when you have already asked them not to do it.

Truthfully, they probably aren't going to let you all see the bank account because this is a way of controlling their son.

I truly think that the best thing that your family can do is to visit them together. If they bring up to your daughter that she can't call them a certain name, your husband should simply say "It's time for us to go" and then leave. If they want to see their son and their grandson, they will have to behave.

You will NOT get an apology out of people who aren't sorry for their behavior. They will not love you or your daughter the way you want them to. The rest of the family will continue down the path they are going, and you and your own family will need to just continue down your path.

When your son starts asking questions, you'll have to decide what to say. I think that you and your husband should ask the counselor how to have that discussion before the questions start coming.

Stop wanting things between you and them to be different. You and your husband need to just stand strong on what you decide to NOT allow from them. The name thing is absolutely inappropriate and any time they start it up, that signals time to leave, hang up the phone, etc. Foster love between your children and don't allow your inlaws to hurt their relationship with each other.

As to your question of whether or not you are making this bigger than it is? No, you aren't. However, you are expecting pie in the sky if you think that they will EVER say they are sorry. You are expecting pie in the sky if you think they'll ever love you or your daughter. Quite honestly, if you are nice to them and act respectful, yet draw a line when they are hurtful to your daughter (along with your husband), then you are in the clear and in the right. You and your husband have every right to have boundaries that protect your nuclear family. And those boundaries include spending less time with them when they continue to marginalize your child because of her race.

Until your husband CONSISTENTLY tells them that intentionally hurting HIS daughter (and he should call her that to them) is inappropriate, and ends the visit each time with all of you, they will not have any incentive to behave so that they can see their son and grandson. I hope that he will have the tenacity to do this. It will speak VOLUMES to both of the children when they hear daddy taking up for your daughter. Your son will also know that you two will take up for him whenever the time comes that someone is cruel to him. Don't for a moment think that the thought wouldn't enter his mind "My parents let grands treat sis this way. I wonder if they would let someone else be mean to me..." Kids are pretty smart.

They sound like absolutely dreadful people. I can't imagine treating your oldest child so blatently different from their biological grandchildren. That is just mean. Stay away from them and tell them why you can not be in their company. If they really want to see their biological grandchild they will change. If not... good riddance.

You are too upset. Yes, they are wrong, but you need to care a lot less. If my in-laws were making my kids acknowledge them differently based on who was biological and who wasn't-sorry, they wouldn't see my kids anymore except extremely rarely and I'd let them know it was because they don't treat them equally.

As for the "acting fake". Well what can you do? They don't like you and your first child. They have issues. Let it go and avoid them. And I mean REALLY avoid them with a light, forgiving heart and stop trying so hard to "make them" behave how you want them to. My in-laws were horrible horrible people. I'm divorced now, but a few years into the marriage, I quit even trying to be nice to them and just let my husband deal with them and visit them without me. It was SO NICE not to engage in their drama on any level.

My dad has college accounts for all three of my kids. I don't have access. He sometimes sends me the balances to look at, but it's none of my business. It's his money for them. Not mine.

I think I'm with Suz-- what are you wanting from us, from this?

From my reading of what you have written, they have done a lot of mean, stupid things which reflect poorly on THEM. I think this is one of those times in life where we teach ourselves and our children: we can't change others, all we can do is decide how to respond to them.

I grew up with lots of step-siblings and have been a step-silbing, and sometimes the names are the same (My grandma had my step-sibs call her by her first name, they could use the word "grandma" in front of that, she didn't cringe if they called her that, but they also had another 'grandma' on their mom's side, if you see what I mean.) It sounds like your in-laws are hung up on something, have something to prove....

.... the sad thing is, if you look at the biggest of pictures, they will eventually be limiting their relationships as time goes on. Your first child will likely NOT want to keep in touch as an adult, because they have been made to feel badly. Their bio grandkid may also grow up to be very turned off by that behavior. Their own son is hesitant to spend time with them, etc.

The other side of the coin: some of the moms on this site would attest to, that this may perhaps be better than your child being completely ignored, forgotten at holidays, no presents while their bio grandkid gets showered with them, etc. Some families have such extreme treatment of their children from previous marriages by their in-laws, it's astounding. You have to wonder how those in-laws function without a beating heart, because they are terrible. Sometimes, that preferential treatment will even extend to one set of grandchildren from a favored child and the other grandkids are basically ignored.

All that to say-- and I'm not making light of your situation, just trying to put it in perspective-- things could be better or they could be worse. I have been the recipient of some *wonderful* grandparenting by my mom's second husband's family (they are Filipino and wouldn't you know? Once their son had adopted me, my grandmother wouldn't hear of me not being her son's kid, no matter how white I am!), I've also had other family members treat me very, very poorly. In the long run, they reap the end result of their behavior.

Whatever your child was calling them when you your younger child was born is what I would have your younger child call them (regardless of how they sign cards). Your younger child would likely follow big brother's lead anyway.

Hubby needs to politely but firmly tell them that he expects both children to be treated the same...they are both his children (even if not biologically) and he will accept nothing less. As for the savings account, I can see that a bit. They did it relatively soon after the child was born but wasn't in the picture when your son was born. It's normal for whomever opened the account to be the one that can control and check on the account. If you don't tell you son, he will not know of it to feel left out. If he knows, you can explain it as a "new baby" thing.

I understand how you feel and I personally would have put a stop to it PRIOR to the marriage because I was that child (not bi-racial but was the step-child that was treated differently)...luckily, my inlaws have NEVER treated my son differently and in many ways have been more grandparenty than his father's parents (he sees them more so that helps).

You and your husband need to decide how you define yourselves as a family. You need to have a frank detailed discussion about this, and how these situations are going to be handled. This will also set realistic expectations for others and your response to them. Your husband needs to take the lead in this. He and your son are the inlaws "coinage". Your husband setting boundaries with them (that you and hubby define) will help you feel protected from them.

As Lola mentioned, does your daughter have contact with her paternal grandparents? What does she call them? What do they call your son? Maybe help her build a relationship with them or have special time with yours? Your inlaws are very controlling and cruel. It is hard enough being a blended family then to add this stress. Again you and hubby need to decide how you want YOUR family to be treated by others. Explain to your daughter that you can't change people, just how you respond to them. A sad lesson to be taught at such a young age.

Your inlaws have boundary issues. They manipulate people's feelings for their benefit and punish those they don't follow in line. This will not change over time. Your husbands' feelings do not matter to them, and probably won't. This puts him in a position of picking you or them. This is how the family breaks.

You and hubby need to come up with a long term plan, stay on same page, and back each other up. Let the small stuff go, accept your inlaws for who they are and follow the values of YOUR family.

Stay away, and have your husband explain exactly why you will all be staying away and let them know that if and when they can treat the children equally that you all will start spending time with them again.

i see your point but i also see their point. doesn't your oldest child have a set of grandparents that your other children don't? does that set of grandparents do stuff for your children with your current husband?
the truth is that your oldest isn't your inlaws grandchild, hence they don't have to do something for your child, except show respect when around the child.
edit: none of the above has to do with race, rather with blood ties.

There are two issues here (racism in the family and treatment of stepkids), but I see how they are related.
My advice is to focus on the racism in the family. You need to bolster your daughter's self-confidence. Surround her with positive messages/images about African Americans and about being biracial (these are overlapping, but not identical identities for many people of color). Limit her interactions with people who are prejudiced and would treat her as less because of her heritage. If possible, foster a healthy relationship with her paternal relatives so that she is cherished by two sets of grandparents. I have a friend whose biracial daughter spends the entire summer in California with her African-American maternal grandparents because that is when her in-laws take the white grandchildren on a pilgrimage to Confederate monuments and the battlefields that were victories for the South!
If the grandparents are civil, but do not treat her as equal to the biological grandchild, there really isn't much you can do about it. It's common in families where the step-child is of the same ethnicity and race as the bio-kids. Yes, it's the beard they are using to hide their racism, but it's almost impossible to force them out in the open as a result.

I don't believe your in-laws have handled things in the best way, but neither have you. You're still holding grudges from years ago when your in-laws have tried to move on since the day of your wedding. You're not going to get an apology, which is clearly what you want... so stop expecting and hoping for one.

Your in-laws have the right to request that they be called something specific by their grandchildren. It may not be fair to your eldest child, but your in-laws don't consider non-biological children to be their own grandchildren. Your in-laws aren't going to change their minds on this so you have to change your reaction. Making demands that they change will force them to dig their heels in deeper.

I think that every grandchild should be shown love, whether by blood or not, but I think it's far too much for you expect that your in-laws would set up bank accounts for your eldest child unless your husband adopted her and officially made her their grandchild. They don't consider her their grandchild. Therefore, you need to change your expectations.

As long as the family unit that lives in your own house treats every child equally, fairly, and with as much love as everyone else then isn't that what matters? If you can't handle the way your in-laws used to be before your wedding, then you have a decision to make. If you can't handle that they won't apologize for what happened before your wedding, you have a decision to make. If you can't handle the little piddly things that they do have a right to do (ask kids to call them something specific; set up bank accounts with their own money for their biological grandchildren and keep the banking information to themselves and not give it to you) then you need to make a decision.

The decision is you reduce your time with them, thus reducing the frustrations, or even cut them out of your life versus changing your expectations. These are the in-laws you have. Your expectations of them are simply too high, so you have to lower your standards. Lead by doing. Stop trying to impress them. Stop trying to figure them out.

If you think they need to be "put in their place" well... who do you and your husband think you are to put anyone in their place? You're not your in-laws parents. All you can do is let them know how you feel and how you want your children to be treated equally. Lay out consequences, but be prepared to follow through. But you also have to be prepared that their sense of equality will be different than yours.

Do you want to be right or do you want a family that's whole?

My grandparents treated the 'steps' different. They set up college accounts for all 'bio' kids, but not the steps.They even excluded them from their will. I was sad for them. Their feeling was that they steps had another set of Grandparents that could do for them.

As for what your bio child calls them, I would have your bio child call them the same thing that your pre-teen calls them. One name for your family. It doesn't have to match the rest of the family.

My inlaws have 8 grandkids, some steps, over 3 kids. Each 'kids' family has their own name for Grandma and Grandpa. It's consistant in the family, just not the same. So my FIL has like 4 different nicknames.

Do you think they would treat the nonbiological child the same if she were white? I don't think so.