In Desperate Need of Advice

I am not sure what you really want to hear. A relationship based on fear doesn't serve anyone. Not yourself, your husband or your son. But I get that you would love someone just to listen and understand your feelings. I am a life coach and I would love to do that for you if you are interested. My number is ###-###-####.

2 moms found this helpful

Hi S.,

Leaving WILL hurt your son eventually, and will cause you lots of problems. You should seek professional help from a counselor for you AND your husband together to learn how to meet each other's needs and learn how to communicate better. Running away from the problem will not solve it. You'll most likely have to deal with this man for the rest of your life and if you really love him, you'll stick to your promise of "for better or worse".

God bless you and your marriage,
M.

1 mom found this helpful

most of all you need to consider what is best for you and your baby boy.
would you want your son to treat you the same way as your husband does?
i have been there and done that and started over several times. i have been married previously and had to "wake up" one day and realize that my children were treating me just as bad as their father treated me and not respecting me for who i was and NOT what i was.
YOU CAN DO IT!!!!....make the conscience decision to have a better future for you and your son.
my spouse accepted me with 4 kids and no college education and workng a deadend job with no benefits...
i know there are agencies that will help you with a job and education along with childcare...
check it all out and keep your options open and your head held high (no matter what he says or does to you...protect yourself and your son!!)..

1 mom found this helpful

Hang in there. First, think of your son, what would be best for him. Then think of what you can do to make your marriage better. You can't change your husband, you can only change yourself. Not many guys like to talk about problems, I think it's commom. You can tell him how you feel and leave it at that. Focus on treating him just how you want to be treated and hopefully in the future he'll catch on. Hope this helps a little.
T. :o)

1 mom found this helpful

It doesn't sound like you and your husband got married for the right reasons, I hate to say leave him, is he willing to do therapy? If not maybe look into it for just you, if you are really as unhappy as you say, there won't be anything he can do to help. It really has to start with you, no matter what you decide, your son will feel it or live it. Get some outside help, someone who has no ties to you or your husband, someone who is completely objective. Good luck, I hope you find some answers!

1 mom found this helpful

You need to be the best you that you can be, for yourself and your child. If that means that you need to find another way to live that should be what you do. I'm not saying it is easy but it is worth it if you need to do it.

My ex was similar and I stayed for 24 years before deciding it would be better without him. I have never been happier than I am now. I had similar fears - supporting myself and our children being primary among those. I have found that it was more frightening thinking about it than doing it. Now the kids are grown and doing better than I even hoped as well.

You need to know that you are worthy of respect, and the best one to offer it is yourself. Others will follow.

Good luck. It can get better and only you can make that happen, either by staying or by leaving, and creating your own happiness either way.

1 mom found this helpful

Follow your heart. I know it's not the greatest advice but sometimes it's the most solid. You may not know what your heart says to do yet, but hang in there and you will. What option would be the best for you, as an individual and as a mother, and what would be the best option for your son.

Have you tried talking to your husband about this?

1 mom found this helpful

be like you and be afraid to even Hello, I am not going through want you are, but i do know several others who have. My only thought is to tell you that your friends are probably right. If you are not happy, and he is unwilling to work with you to fix things, than you have to let him go. If not for you than for your child. I am sure of one thing your son will either be to like you and scared and olonly his wholl life, or he will be like your husband. I know you are scared but unless you want to see your child turn into someone you hate, you need to get help and get out. please remember it is never better to stay just for the child, that just makes you and evertone else miserable, and in some casses even dead.

1 mom found this helpful

I do not mean to be a stick in the mud, but marriage is hard. Too many people end their marriage because it is hard, it was never said to be easy. Your husband may be having a hard time coming to grips that he does not have a perfect marriage, he does not want to recognize the faults because that means he has to help fix them.

Parenting was never meant to be done alone. We are meant to have a “help meat” in a spouse. We are not meant to be alone, regardless if we are parents. My advice might not be popular, but I hope it is good. It may seem the easy way out to just get a divorce, and may people have done it and have been happy (so they say). How many people do you know that have been married for 25 years? 50 years? No one is completely happy all the time in marriage. I will say it again, marriage is hard. It is worth it though. When you finally get to that place in marriage when you have talked out all the hard things and have started working on it, together, it is fantastic. It is indescribable to love someone that much and to have that trust in someone. No one marries and is that way right away. It takes years of hard work.

I have been married for almost 12 years. One thing that worked for us when we just couldn’t talk or would just end up arguing and not getting out the right things, I started by writing a letter to him. He couldn’t argue with me in a letter and I could get everything out I wanted to without him interrupting me and distracting me from what I wanted to say. Now, saying that I also told him how much I loved him and why I love him and what I loved about him. That way it is not just a negative letter, just a letter to show him that you want to work this out and he needs to know how you are feeling and that you need help. Marriage is a two way thing, there are two people in a marriage and they both need a voice.

As far as your friends that are telling you to leave him, are they really giving you good advice? Are they just saying that because it seems easier than dealing with the problem, to run from it? Trust me, it is better to deal with the problem and try to resolve it than to ignore it and run away. He is in your life forever, it is better to deal with it. Sometimes our friends give good advice but sometimes they do not.

I hope I have helped in some way, if not I apologize for the long posting!

1 mom found this helpful

Hi S.,

One of your questions was, Is anybody else out there doing it all on their own?

I am a single mom, doing it all on my own. And have been pretty much from conception. It can be done, but its not all flowers. My daughter is now 3 years old and right now I'm doing quite well for the both of us. I know that I am doing the right thing and I've got my family's emotional support telling me that I am. I have to tell you that I wish that I could give my daughter her dad everyday. But the fact is, I can't. I tried for a very long time to encourage my ex to be a dad and a husband that my daughter and I needed. But the facts are we are better without him and he won't change and it didn't matter how hard I tried. He wasn't trying and is too selfish of a person to see how much he was needed.

Some of the highlights of my relationship are the following.
We got married 4 months after we met.
Pregnant 2 months later.
Our daughter was born just before our first christmas.
He got fired when our daughter was 4 weeks old.
Moved out when she was 7 mths old.
Divorced when she was 10 mths old.
Tried to reconcile when she was 18 mths. - 27 mths.
I kicked him out April 11, 2007.
Because on that day our daughter was very sick. She had been to the ER w/ fever was given IV fluids, on tylenol and motrin every 3 hrs. Had me scared to death, after all I was already scared of her having fevers, because she had a "Fever Seizure" at 10 mths old. He was unemployed. I had miss nearly a week of work. I finally had her temp under control w/ regular medicine and thought I could trust him to give her medicine and care for her while I returned to work. Well the concerned mother that I was, I called to check on my daughter. He wouldn't answer the phone. I finally left work and went to check on her. I walked in the front door, the lights were out, the heater was cranked up. He was sleeping on the couch. I could not find my daughter.
I looked in every room of the 2 bedroom apartment. I couldn't find her. I woke him up in a panic and asked where Reeanna was. He began looking and checking the outside doors. I was screaming Reeanna's name begging her to cry out, something. I finally heard her cry...and I still couldn't see her. I asked her to come to mama, she finally crawled out of behind a chair in the living room. She was on fire with fever. She hadn't been given medicine since I left. Had not been able to wake her dad, whom I had already woke up for the day and made him promise that he wouldn't go back to sleep.

I wish that my daughter wouldn't have had to suffer because of my stupidity. He hasn't seen her since, but for a couple of visits. Once he realized that this time, I was done, and he wasn't getting me back, he hasn't called, wrote, anything for about 7 mths now.

I hope that your situation isn't as severe as mine. But I knew when she was 4 wks old and he came home with no job, and didn't go get another, that I couldn't trust him. I tried so hard, but I loved him and I wanted an intact family and if I tried just a little harder, maybe he would love us back.

I wish you the best and if you'd like to chat let me know.
T.

1 mom found this helpful

First of all, Congratulations on the new baby. You are both still adjusting to the change. Not sleeping and post partim takes its toll on us ladies. And men, they begin to stress about taking care of their family and the new noisy household.
As little as you feel appreciated believe it or not he feels the same way. Guess what, neither of you can give appreciation if you can't give it to yourself. So, know that you are both doing the best that you can, and your child will always be grateful for that. You must give up the baby for a few hours each week and get some "me" time for yourself. If he won't take the baby for a few hours get together everything he will need for a few hours sit it down with a note if necessary and walk out leaving the baby in his care. If he didn't have an appreciation for what you do, he certainly will by the time you come back. Let him know he is doing a good job as a provider, you are able to stay home, that is a privilege. Know that this to shall pass. You 2 have the rest of your life to get it right and as the baby gets bigger and becomes more independent it will get easier.

K.
working mom of 3 yr old boy and girl twins. Can you believe Dad stays home with the kids so I could go back to work and he does a great job.
Love wealth faith abundance

1 mom found this helpful

My husband and I started our family very fast and very young. It was a long hard road. And there were many many times I felt as you do. But, we love each other and we don't want to be apart. I think that fact alone has gotten us through all of these years. You have a brand new baby and your life, your self has changed so much. It's hard to take that kind of change in a new relationship. That doesn't mean it can't be done. My advice, if you love him, if you don't want to be without him, don't give up. Find your strength and hold on tight. It is a bumpy ride, but it is so worth it. It takes men a lot longer to mature and appreicate what they have. Give him enough time to try to figure it out. My family actually took bets on my wedding day on how long we would make it. No one expected us to get through the first two years. We'll celebrate our 10th anniversary this summer. If you want to stay married, stay and fight. The best things in the world are worth fighting and waiting for. You are strong enough. Marriage is often about war and peace. You pick your battles, you prepare for war, and you enjoy peace while it lasts :) It's not a fairy tale, but it can be a lot of fun.

1 mom found this helpful

I agree with Kate P. Your son deserves an intact home with mom and dad together, and you owe it to your son to make it work with your hubby. Having a baby puts a new strain on a marriage, but it's nothing you can't work through. Your husband just may be adjusting to the newness of being a family. Do your best to be your best and your husband may follow your lead (and you'll feel better about yourself). I also recommend the Dr. Laura books. It's worth a try to give your son a family, isn't it?