In-laws Issues

I have a GREAT idea (and I am serious). Why don't you schedule a family counseling session with a therapist while they are here to make some progress with your situation? Don't e-mail them to invite them or un-invite them. Schedule the session with you and your husband, and if your in-laws show up, include them; if not, go without them. Explain to your in-laws that you took their last comment to heart and are committed to doing something about it to improve the quality of your life and they need to be a part of it. If they refuse to go, go without them to let them know you are serious.

J.,
I too have insane in laws and it is a very hard situation. Trust me when I tell you that this a issue that your HUSBAND must deal with. It sounds like you and your mother-in-law are very strong willed and both trying to stake your claim. I had the same problem until I realized that in MY house she had NO POWER! It is your house you make the rules! If her spring break dosen't work simply (and kindly) say so. You don't even have to give an excuse because you don't owe her that. Just say or have your husband say (so you are not the b----) those dates don't work for us, these dates will be better. If she cannot change her ticket she will have to find hotel accomodations and she can visit her grandkids at times set by you and your husband. It is very important to make bounderies with this woman and to still let her have a relationship with her grandchildren (as long as it is not toxic). The moment I stop giving my mother-in-law the power to make me angry and feel insecure and cause tension between my husband and myself our entire relationship changed. We are still not best friends but she knows at my house I rule and I give her the same respect in her house. It is better for me my husband and my children!

J. J. J., The In-Laws are the absolute hardest part of a marriage and believe me you have a blessing that your husband recognizes his parents miserable ways where you are concerned.
I love my in-laws, I really do, but boundaries is something my MIL still crosses. I really feel most times it is her intentions to stir the witches brew and start something just to see my reaction.
The very best thing you can ever do, no matter what the situation is be graceful.
Regardless of everything it is not your place to put your husbands parents in place...it's his. If the table was turned you would let your parents have it so let him do it. The last thing you want is to give your in-laws an opportunity to get between you and your family. Let him deal with them and if your in-laws say they booked tickets to you...simply reply wow, you know you should have called first because we are going on a cruise or any where that week and we won't be around.
My MIL used to call and say I booked tickets for the week of the---to the----I was so furious that she even had the nerve to intrude on newly weds with out speaking to us first. Come to find out she'd run it by my husband and he'd say yeah OK and never tell me. That was well over 3 years of marriage.
Good luck and pick your battles.

I have learned over the years that the husband should deal with his parents and the wife with hers. Maybe trying to discuss the situation before hand with your husband (should they come at all, should they stay at a hotel, should it be a rule that if they want to visit they must check with you all first before discussing with the kids/buying tickets, they need to respect your lifestyle/home, etc.). Once it is agreed upon what you both want, then he needs to tell his parents. Then in the future whenever anything is said to you about visiting, stress, etc. you just tell them to talk to your husband. If you and your husband have agreed in advance what you expect from his parents then he can set them straight every time. And it's important for your childen that they have a relationship with their grandparents that is healthy and happy and not tense and stressed every visit. I hope that helps. Good luck. J. K

For starters be happy yours live in another state, just tell them you guys are taking the kids on a trip then and that time frame doesn't work for you.But that would only be a short term fix, your husband needs to handle the long term situation. Good Luck -much sympathy

Hi J.!

I feel for you. I can't complain about my in laws, but every single friend of mine has it just as bad as you. Having a counseling background, we talk about this all the time!!!!

I would try to make a list (either by yourself or with your husband) of all the pros and cons to your in-laws coming and see what you come up with. Obviously your kids and your relationship with your husband comes first and if the visits are too stressful and causing too many problems then it is not worth it.

Is there any chance that they could stay somewhere else besides your home?

I can relate to having to be the one to always address problems, but I think that if your husband is feels so strongly that they should not come, then he needs to address that with his parents!

Good luck to you and keep us posted!
K.