In-Law Problems.....

Hi H. -

If they are consistently making you uncomfortable and guilty why would you want to be around them anyway? Your reactions are teaching your son how he should act and feel as he gets older. You don't want him to harbor guilt and distress. Trust your husband and honor his wishes. If they really want to be a part of your son's life then they need to make the effort and change their ways. You have done the best you can. As far as you feeling guilty about them not being a part of your son's life, consider this... he will be around lots of people that are a good influence on him and that love him over the years. He will become a great person even without their input. It is their loss, not his, if they don't know him. You and your husband are all he really needs. You can teach your son what it is to have extended family when he grows up and has kids of his own. Kids should be in their own home for Christmas anyway. I wish you the best. God bless and Merry Christmas!

S.

PS. Since my divorce my ex, my ex-in-laws and my family have all abandon us for various reasons. I am raising my three boys alone. We have the love of good friends and great influences with members of our church. The boys don't really know what their missing so it's no loss to them. As they get older it's their father and extended family that are now finally realizing what they are missing. I hope they will come around soon but I'm not holding my breath. Family should enrich a child's life not create havock.

Man, that's rough. I had problems with my in-laws too, only for different reasons. The only thing I could suggest is that you and your husband should sit down without your son and talk to them. Let him get everything off of his chest. Once my husband and his mother sat down and talked to each other about what was bothering both of them, things got better.

You say that you feel guilty that your son may not have a good relationship with your in-laws..., but even if they were in your lives, would he have a good relationship with them? Where is the guilt coming from, are the in-laws putting it on you, or is it coming from you? It sounds like you are talking about a dysfunctional family( his mother/sister), a cycle that your husband is taking great strides in not repeating, and doesn't want your son to experience. Do you think your huband is avoiding them to protect himself, or your son? From an outsider's view, it looks like there is a conflict here; your vision of what extended family should be, and your husband's reality of the family he has. Since your husband has struggled with this, it seems that your role would be to support your husband. However, seeing that it is very important to you to have his extended family a part of your child's life,(if it is) may I suggest that you also seek the professional help your husband has sought, so that this conflict can be resolved before any additional strife is added? Sometimes all it takes is a few sessions together to see things in a way that a solution becomes crystal clear. I hope the 2 of you can work this out in a way that both of you are comfortable and happy with. If you don't want to go to counselling, then take your husband's lead on this, he has been there and knows what it is like, and has the wisdom not to slubject his family to it.

First, do NOT let this affect your marriage. Do not give your mother in law and sister in law that kind of power over you.

Ok, now onto the issue. You do need to respect your husbands wishes regarding his family. Let me ask you this... you are worried that your son will not have a good relationship with your in laws. However, what kind of "good" relationship can he have if they are continually undermining you in front of him? Is that the kind of influence you want them to have with your son? I don't think so.

A good relationship goes both ways. It takes BOTH parties to make it work. If they are not willing to step back and evaluate their actions and how they affect other people, there is little you can do.

Your husband had very strong feelings regarding his family. You can not minimize those feelings and say your son NEEDS to have a relationship with them.

It sounds like your mother in law and sister in law have not really changed much over the years. Your husband has worked hard to overcome his issues, why introduce your son to a similar situation.

In addition, it is not reasonable for his family to insist that YOU make all the effort and go to see them. You are the one with the baby! As we all know it is easier to travel without kids.

Frankly, I would sit down and talk with your husband. Ask him if he would be willing to sit and talk with his family, lay out your concerns, and wishes. If they are reasonable and willing to listen and make an effort at change then you can move forward. However, if they are unwilling to recognize their part in this drama, then how can you move forward.

Talk with your husband, let him know how you feel and find a way to come together. In the end however, if his family is not willing to make changes, then I would not expose my children to that. I really don't think that is the kind of influence you want your son exposed to. Try not to mix up YOUR family experience with his. Just because they are "family" doesn't mean that your son should be around them.

I felt like I should offer up some advice based on personal experience. My mom is/was an alcoholic and is bi-polar. After many years of her antics and with the help of a great therapist, I finally said enough is enough and cut off all contact with her. This was a few years ago. Now my husband and I have kids and she has not had any contact with them. I struggle everyday with the idea of letting her back in to my life. But I am reminded of what my therapist told me which was "Just because someone is family, doesn't mean you owe them anything especially if they are hurting you emotionally".
If you are not ready for that, perhaps you could ask them to participate in family counseling. If they refuse....then it's my opnion that they don't value a relationship with you enough to work at it.
Good luck!

I have a similar problem with my in-laws, (except it's me who doesn't wany my kids to have a relationship with them), and here's how we solve it.
To save our sanity and out marriage, we left it up to the in laws to contact us regarding their grandchildren. It was my opinion that if they wanted us in their lives, they would find a way. Don't get me wrong, I tried to solve some problems that arose, but in the end I left it up to them since what I was doing was not working.
Long story short, it's been over 3 years since they have seen our oldest daughter (she's almost 4) and they have never laid eyes on our son (who's 5 months).
It's sad to know that your in laws seem so much like mine, and all I can tell you is...hang in there. Don't feel guilty that your son may not have a great relationship with your in laws. Concentrate on the fact that he'll have a great relationship with his other grandparents/aunts/uncles. Focus on the positive (how many people in your family love him?!) and trust your husband in this case to be able to say no. I'm sure he doesn't want you or your son to go through what he went through.
Good luck, God Bless, and have a safe and HAPPY holiday season.

I feel for you. We have a very similar situation. My husbands parents divorced when he was very young. His mom moved back to Michigan, his dad stayed in Canada (Calgary, Alberta to be exact). My husband flew out to see him when his dad had a massive heart attack (my husband was 15 then). He hasn't seen him the 17 years since. We got married almost 6 years ago and our oldest joined the family 9 months later. I would love for my father-in-law to be a part of our family, my husband wants nothing to do with him. I would email pictures of our girls and family updates every few months. Early on, I got responses, by the time our second daughter arrived I didn't get any responses. However, Herman (my father-in-law) would never make an attempt to see us. He would even be in Michigan and not call. He always said we could fly out to see him. Finally about 2 years ago, my husband emailed him and told him that if he wanted any contact with us, or our children, that he needed to make an effort as well. If he didn't respond to my husbands email, we would never email back. He didn't and we haven't. We have however, made contact with Herman's sister, have visited her, sent letters, pictures of our daughters, that sort of thing. She has in turn bragged up our children to her brother!!

My advice, find a sitter for your son, and leave him home (if they are within driving distance). Tell them your feelings (include your husbands). Tell them that if they want to continue to be in your life, they need to change. Also tell them that they need to make the next step. You are no longer going to contact them to visit, they need to contact you. If they do contact you, make it a public meeting place like a restaurant and keep it short. Over time you can make it longer visits at a home, but only when you are sure they can "behave the way you want them to". This way, if your son should ever ask, you can tell them what happened and that they made the choice for it to be this way. You gave them the option to be a part of his life (yes with conditions, but as parents we have that right), they chose not to.

Finally - good luck and stay strong. I know it's not easy, and we're starting to have to answer questions from our 5 year old. But she seems to be getting it.

I would lay both your feelings and your hubby's feelings on the line to the other family memebers. Put the ball in their court to contact you. If they feel this is stupid, or don't feel it's their place, then it's on their shoulders not yours. You don't have to feel guilty about it and it shouldn't effect your marriage. I have been through a similiar situation with my grandfather, who wants nothing to do with his son, my dad. I recently contacted him after having my second child. He told me, I wasn't his granddaughter and he didn't have any great grandchildren. I, of course, was sad, however, I no longer felt guilty about not contacting him or at least putting the effort out there. My husband was a big push for me to contact him, and yeah we fought about it, but not to the means of having marriage troubles. Good luck and don't feel guilty!

Your husband seems to know what he wants. Forget those people. I'm quite sure that you and your husband love your children enough to make up everybody in the world who does'nt even know your children, and sometimes that's all you need. if your side of the family loves your family then hey sometimes you have to 1 out of 2. Happy HOlidays!

I believe you need to let your husband decide what the relationship will be. I know you think a relationship with them is important to your son but I believe that no relationship is better than a negative one. I don't see them as a postive influence and I don't know what they would have to offer your son or your husband. I think that distance is key here. You and your husband show his love and that is what is going to matter, not miserable visits to see them where everyone is unhappy. I know it is hard and I know you wish it could be different but some people never change.

My question to you is, why do you want your son to have a relationship with such toxic people? I doubt it is even possible for your son to have a "good" relationship with them! This is your husband's family. If HE wants to stay away from them, I think you should respect his wishes! They don't even make an effort to contact you! Why do you want to be with people who don't want you or your son? I'm sorry for being so harsh, but my in-laws are the same way. For the sake of our marriage and our son, we stay away from them as much as possible! They are not nice people and I don't like the example they set for my child. Don't let this ruin your marriage! It's so not worth it!!!!

You should absolutely let your husband make the decisions when it comes to his family. Do not feel bad if he decides not to have his family play a big part in his life, if any. Do you really want these people doing the same thing to your son as they did to your husband? Put each other, and your son, first. No relationship is better than a bad one. Believe me, I speak from experience. As far as feeling guilty, you should only feel guilty if you've done something wrong. Sounds to me like you have made many efforts; sometimes you just need to step back and let other people take responsibility for their actions. In the meantime, treat your husband as well as you possibly can and help him to feel good about himself and his relationship with you. Good luck.

I completely understand your concerns. I have the same sort of situaion. What I have learned to do is let my husband deal with his family. I stay out of it. I open my home to them for holidays and birthdays even though I feel like they never make an effort in return to be apart of our lives. I always put on my pleasant face and just try to enjoy the day for my son's purpose.
I REALLY wanted my son to have a relationship with them but I realized he did have one just not the one I invisioned. He loves his grandma and relatives on my husbands side even though he see's them only a couple times a year. I always talk in a positive way to my son (who is 7yr)
about my inlaws. I think the way I present them to him is how he views them. So I think the key is to give your child postive energy towards you husbands side of the family and then let it be what it is.
I know sometimes it is extremely hard not to let your feelings or disappoitments surface but I try not to let my own feelings carry over to my son. My burdens are not his.
(I know that is easier said then done).
Best wishes.
M.

One has to wonder ~ why do you feel that your son needs to have a relationship with people who make you and your husband feel bad?

Something to ponder.

Take care.

S.

I won't tell you what to do, but I'll share my story from my childhood. My mom had a similar situation with her parents, they hated who she married and that she moved away and every time we saw them/talked to them there was drama. In fact, I remember when I was about 8 writing a letter to my grandparents from camp and her response was..."oh you know how to write, how nice you never do it so I thought your stupid mother hadn't taught you how to write" ridiculous!! I was 8...I just didn't take time to write letters every week! They lived out of state and wouldn't fly so we only saw them 1 or 2 times a year at most.

Anyway, by the time I was in 4th grade and my younger sister was in kindergarten my mom had had enough...she couldn't handle what my parents did to her or how it affected us...so we just stopped talking to them. I honestly only really have 1 memory of visiting them and talked on the phone to my grandmother before she died when I was in college, she apologized for not being more forgiving and getting to know us better. Honestly the phone call was wierd. Did I miss out on knowing my mom's side of the family...sure (We also don't talk to her brother or their 2 kids)...but honestly I believe that knowing them would have been worse than just not knowing them. We had a smaller family, but it was full of love. My grandpa is still alive as well as my uncle and cousins, but I feel it is them who are missing out, not me.

So, I guess what I'm saying is don't have a relationship just b/c you have to...if it's worth the drama then it's worth the drama (we do have a crazy aunt on my dad's side we put up with b/c we love her...)but if your child isn't going to benefit from the relationship is it worth the time?

Hi H.. Your first responsibility (besides God) is your husband. Secondarily, your son. Your in-laws are absurd if they think that your family should do all of the effort. Go with your husband on this one. Ultimately, your son will pick up your husbands attitude about his family and will act accordingly. You don't have to "fix" everything or worry about it. Hope this helps, L.

The one thing that sticks in my mind is that you feel guilt over your son possibly not having a "good' relationship with those family members. In reality, if this is how they treat you and your husband, no matter what you try to do to please them - how likely is it that he will have a good relationship in the long run? I would leave it to your husband to feel comfortable with the situation, and your son will figure it out as he grows older - if he chooses to have a closer relationship with that side of the family as he grows, which seems unlikely, he will work on that too. Good luck!

i had issues with grandparents and other grandkids and with my child (different dads)But just give them time. And if they treat your kids badly dont suject them to that. There adults acting like badly behaved children be the bigger person and happily keep some distance. They may grow up some day.

H.

You've already gotten some great feedback from others. I also have a sort of similar situation although in mine I would be your husband. My mother was emotionally abusive to me and in general just not a nice person at all. When I was 15 I left her and moved in with my Dad. To this day; and I'm 30 now, I do not have any contact with her. She tries, especially now that I have kids but at this point in my life she is just a stranger to me. She was not there for me as a mother should be, as it sounds like your husband was treated, and I felt that she forfeited all rights to me as her child and to my children as her grandchildren because of how she was. I have decided that in my home, I will not ever speak of her, but if my children ask what happened to their other grandma I will be honest with them (at least by not lying and telling them she is dead). If it comes to the point where my children want to know her then I have decided that I won't keep them from her. Maybe she would be a better grandmother than a mother. But I can't even imagine my husband forcing a relationship with this woman. Most people I know come down hard on me and don't understand my decision to not have a relationship with my mother. I think unless you actually experience it growing up then you can never fully understand what it's like. It sounds like your childhood was good and family is important to you. Don't chance ruining your family over this - if it's not important to your husband then it shouldn't be important to you! And I think by trying to force things, you are making your husband feel just like he felt as a child that once again, his sisters/mother are more important than he is.

Seems like your hubby grew up in a female dominated house hold. One where the girls were catered to and he sorta got lost in the shuffle.
Let your hubby make the final decision.
Your hubby knows what his childhood was all about and more than likely your SON will be treated the same way. Don't go out of your way to cater to people who do not return the favor. Your son even at 18 mnths old will pick up on the derogitory tones and will act out because of the tensions in the family.
Good luck and don't let THEM come between YOUR family.

stop controlling things... why would you feel guitly about not having your child have a relationship with people that don't value your husband. Be a good wife and stay out of it! Cherish your son and husband yourself and bring into your life people that are good and healthy for you and especailly your husband. Friends sometimes make the best relatives...

Hi H.,

I haven't read the other responses so I am not sure if I am repeating things, but we have a very similar situation. This may be long, but hang in there. I am an only child and very close to my parents. They are very active in my children's lives. My husband's parents live 10 hours away and belong to a religion that is very extreme compared to our beliefs. He chose to leave his parents' church when he was 13 along with his older brother. The 3 younger siblings remained. There is a very distinct divide in how the older 2 are treated vs. the younger 3. It all stems around religion in his family. The problem is that this treatment is now extending to the grandchildren. I posted something about this last year because it is so upsetting. The granddaughter that is of the "chosen" religion got about $300 worth of Christmas gifts last year, in front of my children who were 4 and 6 at the time. They received nice $20 gifts which was more than adequate, but they could see and understand the difference. Many, many other things happened last year that left my kids referring to my parents as grandma and grandpa and my husband's parents as "mean" grandma and grandpa.

After leaving there I was in tears because I really want that loving relationship for my children, but what I figured out is that I am doing more damage by trying to force a relationship that isn't going to be healthy. By keeping my children away from that environment will at least give the illusion that things are OK and that we don't see them because they are far away, not because they are "mean." The women here gave me great advice and they were right. The problem lies in them, not you and you aren't going to change them or the way that they have treated your husband for the past 3 decades. I have learned that no matter how hard you try, you will rarely change people. I think you need to let your husband decide and focus on making your own little family a strong family unit.

Merry Christmas!! I know it hurts and I have been involved in my husband's family for 13 1/2 years. We have been battling this for 13 years. My husband doesn't call his family, he recently shared that he has learned to love my parents as his own and loves what they do for our kids. Foster your son's "healthy" relationship with your parents or other family members.

Sorry I babbled. It just hit home.
C.

First off DON'T ALLOW THIS TO AFFECT YOUR MARRIAGE. Remember to talk this out with your husband. I was raised with a similar problem. My mom had a horrible relationship with both of her parents but mainly her father. When I was born they claimed they wanted to be apart of my life and my brothers when he came along. So my parents moved back here to Michigan so they could be in my life. My mom didn't really want anything to do with them as they were making her feel similar to how you are feeling with you inlaws. However you are not blood to them but your son is. He does need to know who his grandma is. Not so much the aunt and cousins but his grandma yes. It does make it hard beings its your inlaws. Allow your son to spend the time he does with them, but you have to somehow ignore what they are saying about your parenting skills and how often you call them. My mom wanted us to have a good relationship with my grandparents. Never spoke ill of them to me or my brother, but neither one of us have anything to do with them. More than likely neither will your son when he gets old enough to relize what they are doing. At some point he will sit back and see what is going on and make a decision for himself if he wants them in his world or not. And you should allow him to make that decision as much as possible. So now it may be annoying and fustrating. But you and your husband have got to remember the source and how little he has to do with them. And unfortunately no matter what you do these people are going to be in your life. Blood more than likely will win everytime. Which makes this an extremely difficult line that more wives half to walk than is necessary. Hope this helps you.

i have had inlaw problems. i feel a relationship wvwn with them is a 2 way street. why can't they call or take the first step. if it is getting that bad then maybe you should go with your hubby and not bother for a bit and maybe they will wake up and realize that it works both ways. if not i am sure you have plenty of family who your little family can create memories with without all the stress. good luck and merry christmas.

M.

As hard as it is the contact you have with them may have to be limited. Thing of all the great loving people your son DOES have in his life. I would avoid it for the sake of my husband too. Is there a great aunt or a "grandma" like neighbor? You can create your own negative energy. You don't need someone that does it for you. Good luck and happy holidays!

Stay out of it. If your husband doesn't want to be around them, you should support him. When the time comes and your son asks why he doesn't see grandma and aunt, tell him it's because mommy and daddy don't agree with them. Leave it at that and as he gets older, you can add more detail.

My personal opinion on this is to let your husband handle it because he is the one that grew up with them and knows how they are. Especially if he is having to seek therapy over it. I know it is important to you for your child to have a relationship with his grandmother, but it seems to me from what you said that they would not be a benificial addition to your son's life.

My father was very mentally and sometimes physically abusive as I was growing up. I was still (and still am a little) scared of him as an adult. I was told that I was stupid and would be nothing but a ditch digger as a child and that I was fat and nobody would ever want me. As an adult in my 30s I got pregnant with triplets after 2 yrs of trying with the help of the fertility dr and was "yelled at" by my father in front of my 10 yr old daughter that how dare I get pregnant with multiples. Who was going to take care of him and my grandmother if anything happened to him. He brought me to tears. He has gotten a little better after I was pushed to the point of telling him off about 3 years ago, he just keeps his issues to himself. Up until my grandmother passed away 2 1/2 years ago he had never been to one of my triplets' birthdays. The first birthday he attended was when they were 4 years old. There was even a year that my step mother got fed up with him and told him it was his problem and she was coming and bringing my grandmother. I never found out what his problem with me was but I told him I didn't care and it was his problem. My father lives 20 minutes away and my mother lives in FL. My mom has spent more time with my triplets (who are 6) than my father has. it is pretty sad. I am not keeping him away but again like you. the contact is a one way street. I get yelled at when I don't call often enough but God Forbid he pick up the phone. Good luck with this problem. Please trust your husband. I hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas and come to a resolution with this. Don't let it cause problems with your marriage.

Hugs

In a perfect world, your son would have a great family to nurture him and love him but we all know that we don't live in a perfect world. Trust your husband when he tells you that he doesn't want anything to do with them. You wouldn't want your son to grow up and need counseling like his father. These people are very disfunctional. Protect your son from them. You know in your heart that you had the best intentions and you tried. That's all that matters. Surround your son with great friends and good people. Make your own little family for him to grow up with. I wish you the best. Please.........let your hubby make the decisions when it comes to his family and trust his instincts.

Good luck and God bless! :)

Yes it's absurd. You're getting an idea, now, how it's been for your husband.
Look, if he's in therapy to get past insecurities, inadequacies, and guilt, realize that visiting mom and sis are breaking back down everything therapy is building up in him. He's now learning the tools to fight back, but until he's able to visit and defuse the potential dramas, he's not ready to be in those situations.
You have good intentions with wanting your child to know grammy and auntie. But is it really worth it if they systematically break you and hubby down right in front of your child? They're not good role models. And personally, if they make no effort to call or visit, I don't see that you're under any obligation to them. When they change, and hubby's strong enough, then it's time. But the first obligations are to hubby and child and yourself. Explain that there is a "disease" with auntie and grammy that isn't good for daddy or your child. It's true. Controlism, superiority, break downism are types of diseases. They should be avoided.

H.; sometimes we just cant do anything right, i remember being in the same kind of situation me in your husbands shoes, where i cant do anything right, yet i was the one inthe family who was the stable right minded person not in any trouble, yet i still did things wrong, however, i also had in law issues, the best thing to do is he knows his family best, youd think going over there with their nephew or grandchild would change things, but it dont, if they are bitter people that cute little guy will not change anything, all you can do is be a good person and train your son to love them from afar, have him send him little pictures, or whatever once ayear, if they need to be in his friendship they will create one, they are adults and know if they appreciate grand children or nephews, just create his own relationship without all the drama, some people have family that live far way, and never get to see them they dont suffer, they write, send notes, gifts etc, he can do this too, when old enough, my kids were not around some family yet, they are civil and learn of them as well, at family reunions and such, just be your own little family and enjoy life, dont make it a big deal, those who want to be around will be, if they can, D. s

In my opinion, you should let it go and let your husband handle it. If they don't choose to be a positive part of your life and your child's life, then they shouldn't be a part at all. That is their choice, not yours.

I have had similar issues with my in-laws because I want my husband and his family to be close like my family is, but they just aren't. I finally decided to let it be, we see them and love them, but I don't push too hard. I felt as though the harder I tried, the more hurt I would be when they still turned it around on me. And, at the end of the day, we are all so busy and there are so many people who love all of us that I wish I could spend more time with, so I focus on the ones that make a positive impact!

Don't let your inlaws have a detrimental impact on your child like they did on your husband.

Please don't make your husband do things that he isn't comfortable with. I have a similar situation. My family can be very difficult for me to handle. I am in counseling to unlearn the guilt and insecurities that they have instilled in me. My husband used to push me to go visit when I didn't "feel" like it. As a result, the relationship with my family was worse and I resented my husband for it.

1) Don't push your husband, it's his family after all. You can say that he should just say no, but isn't he learning how to do that in counseling? He was taught to obey women and be submissive, he will be that way with you too, if you push too hard. Then resent you for it.

2) Don't expose your children to abusive relationships, it will just teach them to allow themselves to be abused.