In-law Holiday Issues

They are annoying, I get that.

But, you can still carve out a time to do special family traditions with you kids and husband. Wrap presents with hubby at night in your bedroom. Still do the cookie thing.

It's a great idea to give them the girl's room and have her sleep with you. That's what we do when guests come.

As for the food, just be blunt and say very kindly the first day or two they are there, "I'm going grocery shopping in an hour, how do you all want to split the food bill for the week?"

As for cleaning up, just ask. Every night, take turns making dinner, the people who sit dinner out cleans the kitchen. Implement new rules, do it kindly, but don't take no for an answer. Your husband just gives him the scrub brush and say, "hey brother, lets go clean up the dishes and give the women a break, afterwards we'll have dessert."

You have to set the law down with people up front so they know your expectations. If they can't handle it, they can get a hotel. When we have house guests, we always talk about this stuff the first night... it may sound weird, but it gets all that tension that is likely to build up out of the way so we can have more fun and not feel like we are slaving away for ungrateful people all week... and they know what the rules are.

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My youngest brother is a mooch too, and has no problem with letting us foot the bill for his good time when he comes. So, I have decided that when he comes, he will earn his keep. Instead of taking him out to dinner, I make him help me COOK the dinner. If I need to run an errand, I have him babysit while I am out. I have him watch the kids while I shower, and make no effort to cut it short. I have him shovel snow, mow the lawn, etc. It has helped make the visits less stressful for me, and he now even has started to wash his bedding and towels before he goes home!

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Well, I guess you could take your cue from your husband who has already stated his opinion (Brother is his "only family and he's not going to tell him not to come") so really why are you trying to push that?
Free up a room for brother & girlfriend so they are not camped out in the common areas, all their stuff goes in there....
Also, why not speak up when they need to clean up after themselves? Just point out to one of them (or both of them) what needs to be done, cleaned up, etc. If you don't speak up and allow yourself to be treated like a servant, don't be surprised if you are!
This is the 3rd time, in what, 2 years? Is once every 8 mos. too much for your husband to host his brother?
If he doesn't have a lot of money then of course he's not going to take you all out for dinner!
House guests can be a drag, but this is your family now too.....why put your husband in that position?
You can still do all the stuff you want to do with your kids. The Norman Rockwell images are largely a myth anyway--try to incorporate the uncle into the scene.

2 moms found this helpful

I don't think you are selfish, I think you are having normal feelings and trying to have your vision of what you want Christmas to be. However, sometimes life gives us circumstances different than the vision and adapting to those circumstances can make us and our loved ones happier. Having your daughter sleep with you while they are in town is a great example of adapting. It will be easier for you that they aren't spread out in the living room, and your daughter will think it's extra special. As your husband only has his brother, I would put up with the holiday visit. Your daughter won't care, she'll still be super excited. And it's probably hard for your husband to not have his mom and dad at Christmas so if he likes to have his brother around for the holidays, those are the cards on the table. Maybe you and your husband can make a tradition of Christmas shopping and wrapping together one night during December. I have a friend that does this and she really looks forward to it. Just make some traditions that fit with your circumstances. Oh and maybe you can give BIL a gift certificate for Christmas to take his girlfiend out to one of your favorite local restaurants and give you and your husband a night alone while he's in town.

2 moms found this helpful

I would just explain how you feel to your husband and have them stay in a hotel ha! You have good reasons. I would feel the same as you! Remind your husband if momma isn't happy noone is!! It's your home; no reason you should be miserable especially during the holidays. That is not right if your husband can't respect that. His brother is grown. I'm sure he can handle getting a hotel for a few nights! Good luck!

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Tell them since they do not have any children and the kids will be up early they can come any time after 10am on the the 25th make it a matter of fact not that you do not like them or want some special time with the hubby on the eve. Good luck!

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is there no way they can stay at a nearby hotel? My parents are always welcome at a holiday, if they stay at a hotel. I love them, but too much time with my mom puts me in a pretty bad mood.

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Could you perhaps rent anRV and set it up in your back yard? It would give them a place to sleep without displacing your daughter. It would keep them out of your space some, and you could offer them a chance to borrow your car to make a run to the grocer store to stock it... so you are not feeding them all their meals for seven days. Offer to your husband Choice A they come the 25th, choice B they stay in a motel, or Choice C the RV...

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Ask them to stay in a hotel. I would think they would be more comfortable having privacy. Tell your husband you don't mind their visit but they must stay at a hotel. Have your husband talk to his brother.

I think you are being a bit selfish and should understand your husband's perspective. However, I do understand how you feel. I would suggest that you tell them, upfront, that you know they think the traditional stuff is corny but you would appreciate they keep negative comments to themselves. Also, it is reasonable to ask them to pick up after themselves especially since they are coming at a hectic time of year.

let them come this yar since the tix have been purchased. make sure you tell your husband (not ask) that next year it will only be your close family because kids are getting at that age when you would like to start family traditions that will create memories forever and with people hanging around you're not able to do so.
just tell him.

My in laws ruined 8 consecutive Xmases in a row acting like this, and they too stay at least 7 days whenever they come. One year, we went to see my family, and they insisted on staying in our house while we were gone so they'd be there when we got home. My hubs never stood up for me. It was all his MIL's wishes all the time. She had her husband standing up for her AND my husband standing up for her. Finally I grew balls and forbid it myself and everyone hated my guts and I didn't care.

You cant' say anything this year for next year. Let it go and get through this year. Then put your foot down to your husband for next year stating that after x Christmases in a row, it's someone else's turn, even yours, to have a quiet family Christmas. Then send a card or email saying "Thank you so much for coming this Christmas and last Christmas. Just for the sake of politeness I'm letting you know in advance that next year we are having our first quiet family Christmas together, just giving you enough notice so you won't be surprised to be missig our corny tradition."

There's really no way you can say it without offending people, but either that and you'll never have a say or a nice family Christmas. Your husband sounds like the type to not care how you feel about it. Remind him whoever he sticks up for in life is who he will have to grow old with him on the front porch and if he wants that to be his brother, then fine.

Offer to let them come stay a different time of year, and his bro has the girlfriend, he's not home crying alone in a beer-they think Christmas is corny anyway.

My husband eventually gave up fighting me about Christmas, and since we have the kids now, the in laws aren't as forceful because they don't want to lose kid privileges for their other WAY TOO MANY long visits per year.

If you're going to be firm on Christmases from now on, then let this one go as "the last one for a while" and don't mention the housekeeping and dollars. If you think you may end up never escaping this tradition, then tell them You're not cooking or cleaning up after anyone but your own kids and you guys don't have extra money for them for groceries and dinners out and stuff. Then DON'tT buy stuff or take them out. Period. Maybe they'll stay a shorter time next time if they're not getting the deluxe treatment.

Hi,

Wow, you are in quite a predicament! I would talk with your hubby and tell him while you agree that his family should come, they should come at a different time--not the whole christmas week. This is memories in the making for your kids and they won't want to remember the uncle who sleeps over the whole week and doesn't help out etc. for their christmas memories. As far as getting them to help-this is what I would do.

Say I know we haven't really talked about this since you started staying here, but my kids are of a certain age now where they pick up on everything-we are really working on manners,self-respect, and responsibility with them. It would be so helpful if yo would pick up after yourself, do your dishes, and make some meals while you are here. That would really make my day a little easier and help us reinforce to our kids the right things to do. Could you help us with that? The only answer he can give is yes---and he most likely will be a bit embarrassed because he is so sloppy! But maybe he will wakeup and help out with you guys. As far as next years concerned, be clear and say what potential weeks are ok for them to come. If they ask why not christmas, say you would like to have some private time and that week won't work. period. I hope this works out for you. Keeping my fingers crossed....

M.

I think I would tell him that it won't work to be there over christmas as you already have plans but that if he wants to come on the 26th that would be great. your right that you need to make your own christmas traditions and one of them should not be hosting a family member who is a mooch for a week. although you could suggest to him that you would be glad to get him the numbers for some local hotels.

maybe if you politely ask them to clean up after themselves, and keep reminding them (like youre their mother) that they forgot something on the couch, or wherever.........and keep nagging, but politely, and discretely----they won't WANT to come back next year :)) hehehehe good luck.

Make it about them...WE thought you would be more comfortable at the Hampton Inn, WE didn't want to wake YOU so early, sleep in and give us a call when you need to be picked up (if you will be their only transportation). I do this for my husbands uncle. We do have a guest room but he opts to spread out in the living room. I schedule our stuff to do and invite him or let him know when we will be home. Hampton inn also offers free continental breakfast and fresh made waffles. Uncle bob appreciated this as I have to cook special for him AND I get hime somehting small but use the hotel room as his gift. Maybe a bit rude but it works for us, hope this helps!