In-home Nanny

If I ever win the lottery, I'll be the first to let you know! Wow, maybe not, it seems as emotionally taxing as wondering if I'm doing the right things with my kids. Even if I had it like that, I don't think I'd get a nanny unless she looked like that Nanny McPhee chick, anyway!

What a wonderful opportunity for you all!

While I'm sure that there may be a difference between live in nannies and au pairs as far as etiquette goes (obviously there are technical differences)... here is what my friends with au pairs do.

- Au Pair is *always* welcome to take dinner with the family, but never expected to.

- Au Pair has absolutely no chores or other household tasks assigned to him or her *except* their own (meaning that they do their own laundry, clean up after they cook for themselves).

- Au Pair has complete expectation of privacy. (Meaning their room or rooms are treated like a seperate apartment. NO ONE ever enters unless the au pair is there and invites them in. Some families I know go so far as to install exterior grade door knobs so that the room(s) can be locked when the au pair goes out.)

- Au Pair is welcome to be in *most* parts of the house (aka parts of the house end up being "public" like living and dining, and "private" bedrooms / bathrooms

- Au Pair can come and go as the please whenever they are not on duty. No notes, permissions, or anything beyond casual inquiries into their personal lives (like "Have a good time?" or "How was the beach?") Meaning that interest is okay, but that the host family has no "right" to any knowledge about the au pairs personal time.

- Whenever possible a separate fridge is arranged for the au pair. When not possible, a dedicated shelf in fridge and freezer are allotted. Host family is *not* to use au pair's food without permission (although he/she obviously uses host family's food for themselves and the kids during the day)

- When asked to travel with host family, host family pays all travel expenses (travel is different than moving, however)

- Au Pair's living quarters are fully equipped with cable & phone jacks.

- Basic Furnishings are supplied by host family. Aka, bed - absolutely (but you nanny may have her own?). The "extras" list is between the host family and au pair (as in what the au pair wants to supply). A basic room list is bed, nightstand, dresser or closet, tv, desk or computer stand, mini fridge.

I would also suggest (especially since this isn't travel, but moving) that you continue to pay her the same wages, since her moving costs will be considerable, and she'll need to save and or pay back credit cards for those expenses. As well as get first and last and security for a new place when her fiance arrives plus pay to ship anything she isn't carrying, or buy new when she arrives. For *myself* having my wages cut, would be a tipping factor over whether or not I would move... even if it was only temporary... since I'd be making a huge leap of faith and several sacrifices in order to follow a job. The new job would need to be *worth* it to me to move, regardless of what the job was.

((I should add... unlike a PP I don't see how on earth a childcare / living situation isn't related to motherhood... on the contrary, I see it as HIGHLY related. As far as I'm aware mums are allowed to be poor, middle class, or wealthy... and that this site is not designed for only *some* moms in *some* positions, but rather ALL of us. A Q in regards to nannies is as valid to me as a Q for HeadStart or subsidized childcare... ditto how to be deal with / show your appreciation/ find out what is standard or kick around ideas with that childcare provider.))

You've got lots of good questions. There may be "standard" answers that other moms can offer. But my take on it is this:

You value her and it sounds like you'd be hard-pressed to find anyone you like as well. She's picking up her life and moving to stay with your family – a pretty heroic effort on her part. This is a new situation for both of you, and I strongly suggest you negotiate it together. Be sure you have an agreement in writing before she moves, or there will be a huge potential for misunderstanding, confusion, and hard feelings on both sides.

Personally, I'd be hesitant to pay her less unless she's comfortable with that arrangement, but do talk about it. Considering what a blessing she apparently has been to you, you wouldn't be "taken advantage of" to treat her generously. If you do pay her well, she'll be very likely to step up for a little extra duty now and then. You could even consider putting that in your mutually-agreed contract.

As far as her role in the household after hours, I'd be inclined to treat her as a visiting aunt, a rather formal member of the family. She should have freedom to use the kitchen during her off hours if she will live with you. And perhaps be permitted access to a reading or sewing or television room. She may or may not need to stretch out a bit if her room is small or isolated. I'm guessing that if you like her, she's already pretty sensitive to your needs and not too likely to be overbearing.

You should also consider scheduling regular reviews, maybe every three months, to exchange your notes and observations and see whether modifications to your agreement are in order. And probably outline a clear process for quitting or dismissal – so that either of you will have a reasonable time to make adjustments should you ever need to go your separate ways.

Most of my thoughts on this are surely influenced by the fact that I've always lived on a very low income, jumped through every possible hoop an employer put up for me, and asked "How else can I help?" Most people living in service to others don't make nearly what they're worth.

You shouldn't pay her any less. You are the one wanting her to move.

I was a live in nanny for almost 4 years for a family with 3 kids.I was paied $500(that was 6 years ago), had 2 days off, car and cell were provided by the family. I started at 7 am and was done after the girls went to bed 8-9 pm. I did laundry, made beds in the morning, did light clean up, dishes, took girls to school and picked them up, helped with homework, with dinner, baths ect. All my nanny friends had the SAME responsabilities. On my days off I was never asked to do anything, I was always invited to eat with them if I wanted though. I had friends who were live out and did get paied more, but not by much(no way it was by 50%). It was a wonderful experience for me .You just have to make sure you talk it over with the nanny, so everybody's happy:)

Yes you pay less for live in nanny because you are paying home and utilities, and a lot of your food that she eats. Are you providing her car, car insurance, and cell phone? If yes to all then you pay 50% less than what you are paying now (going rate is $200-$250 per week, and you'll rarely find people paying even $250!, whereas going rate for live out nanny is $500 and up FULL TIME). If you are NOT providing car (for her to use while working AND not working, thus you are not paying car insurance you need to increase $25 per week AND reimburse her gas she uses while working. As far as how you incorporate her into your family - rule of thumb: if she is not on the clock don't expect her to be around your family, have a conversation with her what her and your expectations are. Set guidelines, leave times that are just for your family, and times when she can be included. (It's nice to say she can always stay for dinner, BUT you should set times where it is only your family too). If she stays around for meals, yes she should share in the responsibility of cleaning up and such...
Best thing you can do is make a rule that when she is off duty the kids need to give her her privacy and not burden her with things, and you too! You need to remain the mom when you are on duty! Special outings that you invite her on are kind of an exception though, everyone helps out! Another rule of thumb is to make her room and bathroom off limits to the kids and family, let her have her privacy and know she has a place to "get away". And of course you may need to make a schedule for things like laundry, if you do laundry on the weekends, have her get her laundry done during the week. It's also nice to allow her to eat whatever is in the house, but you don't have to buy her groceries for her (maybe keep her favorite beverage in stock). There is a great nanny manual at the book store for employers...if you have any other questions, feel free to send em a message. Just remember to keep open communication so everybody doesn't get on each others nerves.

Hello,
I wouldn't, in fact, depending on the area, that changes her salary for cost of living, I run an agency and would be happy to let you know what the current market value is for your area. If she is willing to uproot her whole life including her fiance, docking her pay wouldn't be prudent. All cost for her to move should also be covered, you can also check with the International nanny association for further assitance, its a great resource. Time is money and your childrens well being is worth having someone you love and trust, good luck.

J.

Is there anyway you could convert her room or basement to a mother in law apartment...that way she could leave at 5:00 and have her own place to go to. you could then use that as part of attraction for next nanny. Yes you do pay less if she is living with you. however in your case I think you shouldn't since it's short term and since you are having her move cross country for you. If it is just for a few months why not just sit down with her and talk it out....What are you planning on doing a few months from now. I agree with another poster that said you should treat her as a visiting aunt